Nathalie Himmelrich

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Love Language Part 3 – Receiving Gifts

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A gift is something that you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or “She remembered me.” You must be thinking of someone to give a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn’t matter if it costs money.

Gifts need not too expensive, nor must they be given weekly. But for some individuals, their worth has nothing to do with monetary value and everything to do with love.

Within every language, there are many dialects. Here below you will find just a few but in the end, you need to understand your spouse’s dialect.

Purchased Gifts

Anything you can imagine, how much it costs is less important than the thought that goes with it. If a millionaire gives only one-dollar gifts regularly, the spouse may question whether that is an expression of love, but when family finances are limited, a one-dollar gift may speak a million dollars worth of love.

Gifts you find

For example a flower from the yard or side of the road, a shell from the beach, a special stick etc. Anything that you add meaning to.

The Gift of Self

There is an intangible gift that sometimes speaks more loudly than a gift that can be held in one’s hand. This is the gift of self or the gift of presence. Being there when your spouse needs you speaks loudly to the one whose primary love language is receiving gifts.

If your spouse’s love language is RECEIVING GIFTS:

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Love Languages: 10 Tips For Your Relationship

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couple on beach dancing

Based on Dr. Gary Chapman’s work, there are five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Here are some tips to help you become more satisfied with your relationship using these love languages as a guide:

Tip #1: Fill up your partner’s love tank

Ask your partner: ‘What could I do today that would make you feel loved and appreciated?’ Start making a list of the things that work best for them and you’ll soon have more ideas about their primary love language. Commit to doing what your partner wished for, given you want to, and agree to their suggestion.

Tip #2: Listen to your spouse’s criticism

Your partner’s criticism will give you clues about their primary love language. People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.

Tip #3: Love Language Physical Touch

Remember that the touch that brings you the most pleasure might not also bring your partner the same pleasure. Ask each other for feedback: ‘Do you like it when I touch you here like that? Or what would you prefer?’

Tip #4: Love Language Quality Time

Each language has its different dialect and so do love languages. A dialect of quality time is quality activity. Ask each other to complete the following statement in writing: ‘I feel most loved by my partner when …’ and then when you are both finished, read it to each other.

Tip #5: Love Language Words of Affirmation

We all do need encouraging words, even if this is not our primary love language. If you hear your partner asking you many questions like ‘do you like the dinner?’ or ‘what do you think about this idea?’ you might also sometimes hear ‘you don’t give me any feedback!’ It’s obvious, you need to give your partner more verbal affirmation. Find something each day to affirm them with.

Tip #6: Love Language Receiving Gifts

Even if your spouse’s primary love language is not a gift, still give them something once in a while. It’s the thought that counts and in whatever way you give it can include another love language, for example, if you write a card with lots of affirmation then you’ve got already two covered.

Tip #7: Love Language Acts of Service

How balanced are the chores in your relationship? What are you doing for your partner without them having to ask for it? Do you realize what your partner is already doing for you? Simple: acknowledge what’s already there.

Tip #8: Do something at least once a week

Plan something special for your spouse at least once a week and notice how they react. Have a notebook where you record the things and how impactful they were, and how they were received. This will give you a gauge on which deposits into your partner’s emotional bank account have the biggest return.

Tip #9: Loving someone is giving them what THEY need

Often we automatically fall into the pitfall of doing what we would like to be done to us. Loving someone is becoming aware of their likes and dislikes and giving them what they want, as opposed to thinking about us.

Tip #10: If you don’t know – ask!

No matter how long you’ve been together, it’s never too late to get to know your partner better. Dare to ask what they like, appreciate, long for, need…, and if you’re prone to forget things, write them down so you can look things up!

Gary Chapman: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages and their use in the Workplace

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love in a coffee
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Gary Chapman’s approach to the five love languages has multifaceted usability, even in the workplace. If you want to read more about the different love languages, you can find plenty of my articles about them here (click here). His approach to teaching us how different people show love and how different people feel the love that you’re intending to show them has been an integral part of counselling couples, families and children to understand themselves and each other better.  When I’ve worked with this model with couples I have many times that they come back reporting how it not only improves their relationship with each other but also taught them something about how to relate to their work colleagues, employees, friends, children etc.

Personal Benefit

I also found that it is of great benefit for your own self knowing to understand how you search for love and admiration. It surprises me, again and again, to find myself fishing for treats that fulfil my strategy. It’s like your ’emotional love account’ has the highest return on investment when payments in Euro come in and people around you seem to be wanting to pay in US $. It just doesn’t give the same return, even though it might be their favourite currency.

So what’s your primary ‘love currency’?

You can read up on them by clicking on the link provided.

Experiment

Do you know the ‘love currency’ of the people you closely interact with? How about an experiment: If you have a good sense of a person, you might be able to guess their primary ‘love currency’. For the next week, go ahead and pay them with their primary ‘love currency’. Remember that this might not be what you’re most used to playing with so it might mean that you have to be a bit creative here (change some of your $ into their currency). The links above will give you some ideas on what you can do or say in each of the love languages. Note the change in your relationship with that person. If it has improved, you have most likely guessed right, if not, try again.

Have you already read about the other Love Languages?

Here they are all listed:

Reference

Please also refer to the book ‘The five Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman

Love Language Part 4 – Acts Of Service

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Actions like cooking a meal, setting a table, washing dishes, vacuuming, taking out the garbage, mowing the grass, changing the cat’s litter tray, etc are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love.

Within every language, there are many dialects. If you have a spouse with Acts of Service as her primary love language, find the specific things she would like to you help her with by asking her. If you are the person with that specific love language, make a list for your spouse of the things that would help you most.

Remember: love is always freely given. Love cannot be demanded. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.

Overcoming Stereotypes

Learning the love language of acts of service will require some of us to re-examine our stereotypes of the roles of husbands and wives. Our actions are influenced by the model of our parents, our own personality, our perception of love, and our emotions, needs, and desires. Only one thing is certain about our behaviour: It will not be the same behaviour we exhibited when we were caught up being ‘in love’.

A willingness to examine and change stereotypes is necessary in order to express love more effectively. Remember, there are no rewards for maintaining stereotypes, but there are tremendous benefits to meeting the emotional needs of your spouse.

If your spouse’s love language is ACTS OF SERVICE:

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Love Language Part 2 – Quality Time

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Giving someone your undivided attention is spending ‘quality time’ with them. A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. Togetherness has to be focused attention. The important thing emotionally is that you are spending focused time with each other. The activity is a vehicle that creates a sense of togetherness.

Within every language, there are many dialects. Here below you will find just a few but in the end, you need to understand your spouse’s dialect.

Togetherness

Spending time together with focused attention. What happens on an emotional level is what matters. It communicates that you care about each other, that you enjoy being with each other, and that you like to do things together.

Quality conversation

Quality conversation is a sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feeling, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.

Some practical tips:

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Love Language Part 1 – Words Of Affirmation

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Verbal compliments, or words of affirmation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation, such as:

“You look sharp in that suit.”
“Do you ever look nice in that dress! Wow!”
“You must be the best potato cook in the world. I love these potatoes.”
“I really appreciate you washing the dishes tonight.”
“Thanks for getting the babysitter lined up for tonight. I want you to know that I don’t take that for granted.”
“I really appreciate your taking the garbage out.”

What would happen to the emotional climate of a marriage if the husband or the wife heard such words of affirmation regularly?

Within every language, there are many dialects. Here below you will find just a few but in the end, you need to understand your spouse’s dialect.

[Read more…] about Love Language Part 1 – Words Of Affirmation
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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach. I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

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