How to Manage the ‘Wanting-to-fix-my-Partner’ Pattern

April 21, 2009 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

After the glow of the honeymoon period in a relationship wears off and we regain the full awareness of our reality by taking off the rose colored glasses, we slowly become aware of the small and not-so-small imperfections in our partner.

Depending on our need for perfection we slowly but surely start to work on repairing our partner.

Usually it is one partner that more feels the urge to suggest improvements and these might range from an updated wardrobe, removing excess hair, squeezing pimples to picking on the shirt that is tucked in too tightly. Besides the personal improvements there might also be suggestions on books to read, encouragement on courses to join, engaging with a specific set of friends, or softly controlling your partner’s choice on the amount of time spent alone or with other friends.

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Filed Under: communication, love/relationship/marriage, self development/motivation Tagged With: commitment, communication, relationship, self-actualization

How to Attract a Relationship

April 10, 2009 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Photo by Joanna Nix-Walkup on Unsplash

All of us are in relationships daily: with your mother, father, sister, brother, friend, employee, boss, shop assistant, etc. These interactions are there to give you valuable information on what it is that you want or do not want in relating to others. Use it!

Whatever the relationship is that you are looking to create, ask yourself: What is it that I want? If you already know, what it is you do not want, then ask yourself what you want instead.

Start with one sentence, for example: I desire a partner who loves and respects me. Now imagine …Now imagine a situation that fully exemplifies and portrays your partner’s love and respect. How would that be shown if it were a movie? See it in the way he or she looks at you, hear it in his or her words and most importantly feel it with every cell of your body. Build on that image and make it as real as possible. Imagine you are in that movie and play it out exactly as you would like it to happen.

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Filed Under: love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: loving relationship, manifesting, relationship

Are You Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship? Part 2

December 13, 2008 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Have you read Part 1? If not, read it here.

Good communication is the cornerstone of happy relationships. Learn how to talk and listen successfully. We all know good communication is at the heart of every good relationship. Whether it has been a wonderful or a rotten day, whether there has been a crisis or a triumph, sharing it in words makes you and your partner feel more understood, more appreciated, more loved. The ability to communicate well is the most important relationship skill of all.

Here are the rest of the foolproof lessons to help you both talk and listen effectively and conquer bad communication habits for good.

Lesson Three: train him to communicate

It is not your imagination. Men do find it harder to communicate than women do. Little girls literally have more of their brain devoted to using words. Men are not taught basic communication skills in the same way as women are. And they are more likely to feel uncomfortable with any communication that involves strong emotion.

  • Show him how to listen. Show him just how loved you feel when he keeps eye contact as you talk; when he responds to what you say; when he asks you questions. Tell him particularly when his good listening gets a result, when it helps you make the right decision or feel more positive about a situation.
  • Show him how to talk, particularly about sensitive issues. Look out for his signals of wanting to confide – a broody silence, more hugs than usual, seeming irritable. When you spot these signs, give him space to express himself and he will slowly learn that opening up is a positive thing to do.

Lesson Four: break your bad habits.

So often, even if you know the basics, you can get into bad communication habits with your partner. Put at least one of these tips into practice every day over the next month and you will clean up your communication by at least 500 per cent!

  • If you consistently talk about yourself, he will feel pushed out. Break the habit by asking more questions.
  • If you use closed body language, he will feel rejected. Break the habit by deliberately uncrossing your arms and legs, and smiling more.
  • If you keep interrupting, he will feel unheard. Break the habit by learning his signals for ‘it is your turn now’ – such as slowing down, looking at you, gesturing you to speak. Then only speaking when he offers those.
  • If you keep answering for him when he is asked a question, he will quite rightly object. Break the habit by agreeing a signal or code word that he can use to ‘nudge’ you if you are starting to do this.
  • If you carry on communicating when you are irritated, you will end up irritating him too. Break the habit – and avoid rows – by taking at least 20 minutes apart before carrying on the conversation.

Lesson Five: finally … get your timing right

Sometimes, communicating will actually make things worse. If there is a crisis, a rush, or you are both tired, cranky or drunk, you do not have time to talk and if you did, it would only up the ante. So do the sensible thing and wait. Agreeing that you will touch down that evening, or tomorrow is a much better deal because then you can communicate calmly, lovingly and with all the time in the world.

Filed Under: communication, health, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: communication, relationship

Are You Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship? Part 1

November 27, 2008 By Nathalie Himmelrich 2 Comments

Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash

Good communication is the cornerstone of happy relationships. Learn how to talk and listen successfully

We all know good communication is at the heart of every good relationship. Whether it has been a wonderful or a rotten day, whether there has been a crisis or a triumph, sharing it in words makes you and your partner feel more understood, more appreciated, more loved. The ability to communicate well is the most important relationship skill of all.

Here are five foolproof lessons to help you both talk and listen effectively and conquer bad communication habits for good.

Lesson One: listen well

Though you probably listen to your partner a lot, do you listen effectively? Half-hearted attention, with one eye on the kids or the television, is often worse than not listening at all because it comes across as if you are not interested. Instead:

  • Set aside ten or twenty minutes with each other every day to ‘update’. If you have a busy life, it can seem like time wasted, but make sure concerns are aired and you understand each other. It really can avoid problems down the line.
  • When you are listening, aim to make your partner the centre of attention. Turn to him, look at him, and put other thoughts aside until he is finished speaking.
  • Use positive body language to acknowledge what he is saying with a nod or a smile. He will feel appreciated and therefore more likely to listen to you.
  • To show you have listened, repeat back what you have heard or ask a focused question. This shows him you understand and sympathise.

Lesson Two: know how to talk

Though you may talk to your partner a lot, do you talk effectively?

Women and men’s talking styles are very different. They can glaze over if we bombard them with too much talk.

  • Do not ramble on, giving him a sort of ‘stream of consciousness’ of how you think and feel. Talk in bite-sized chunks so he can take his turn and digest what you are saying.
  • Keep ‘checking in’, noticing his body language to find out whether he is still involved in what you are saying. If he seems distracted, it may be he is just confused. So make your point again a different way.
  • If you are talking about something emotional or intimate that might stress him, cut out distractions, such as children or the family dog. Then move in close and touch. He will relax and be more able to interact with you.
  • Do not be put off if he rushes in with a solution before you are ready. Women need to talk round a problem, and explore their feelings about it. Men feel better going straight for the action. His ‘fix it’ comment means he wants to help, wants to sort things out so you do not feel bad any more.

Please read Part 2 of this article for the rest of the lessons.

Filed Under: communication, love/relationship/marriage, self development/motivation Tagged With: communication, effective, lesson, relationship

Love Language Part 5 – Physical Touch

November 5, 2008 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple kissing
Photo by Natalia Sobolivska on Unsplash

Table of Contents

  • Communicating love via physical touch
  • Is touch part of your love language?
  • If your spouse’s love language is PHYSICAL TOUCH:
  • Have you already read about the other Love Languages?
  • Reference

Communicating love via physical touch

We have long known that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Research projects in the area of child development have made that conclusion: Babies who are held, hugged and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.

Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and having sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one’s spouse.

Is touch part of your love language?

The touch of love may take many forms. Since touch receptors are located throughout the body, lovingly touching your spouse almost anywhere can be an expression of love. That does not mean that all touches are created equal.

Within every language, there are many dialects. Here below you will find just a few but in the end, you need to understand your spouse’s dialect.

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Filed Under: love/relationship/marriage, communication Tagged With: five love languages, gary chapman, love language, physical touch

Anxiety and Fear in this Economic Climate…

October 27, 2008 By Nathalie Himmelrich 2 Comments

How are you handling your thoughts of anxiety and fear in these times of economic uncertainty? We hear the news (about those things that happened in the recent ‘past’) and already get a picture of exactly the future that we would NOT like to focus on under normal circumstances. So how can we deal with those doom-and-gloom thought creations that are not even real?

Photo by M.T ElGassier on Unsplash

First of all fear is a natural emotion and should be distinguished from anxiety, which typically occurs without any external threat. Additionally, fear is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable.

Fear (the noun) is defined as ‘an emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific pain or danger (usually accompanied by a desire to flee or fight)’.
To fear (the verb) is defined as ‘be afraid or feel anxious or apprehensive about a possible or probable situation or event’.

Two things become obvious in these definitions:

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Filed Under: communication, emotions/feelings, health, self development/motivation Tagged With: anxiety, fear

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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