Why You Are Not Successful in Communicating With Your Partner

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Why You Are Not Successful in Communicating With Your Partner

The real reason for communication failures is often the lack of awareness of what is really happening. If you understand what level your challenges truly are and what you are communicating about, whether it is content or structure, you are then able to deal with the real issues.

A lot of couples struggle to successfully communicate on an issue (content) because they are unaware of the way they communicate (structure). Over time, unresolved hurt from previously escalated communication attempts to keep surfacing and dominating each conversation. This means that the lack of skilful communication structure impedes the resolution on a content level.

You are speaking lots, even while you are not talking…

Structural issue:

Un-resourceful ways of listening

  • Finishing the other’s sentences
  • Lack of supportive non-verbal cues
  • Inability to truly listen (=active listening)

Un-resourceful ways of talking

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The Argument Is Never Just About the Issue

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The Argument Is Never Just About the Issue

This past week I had an argument with my husband. What was happening between us is what I regularly see happening with my relationship coaching clients. I will use my personal experience to show you what I mean.

Present and past issues

The present issue was about something I had asked him to do before we went out that evening and it wasn’t done when we were about to leave. I was annoyed as we stood there in our winter coats, ready to leave and we couldn’t because we were missing the item. This is the present issue. What happened from there onwards was that past issues were added on.

We argued but really, it wasn’t about the item itself.

It’s never about one thing

We argued but really, it wasn’t about the item itself or at least not just about it. I don’t like being ready to go out into a cold winter night, being dressed for outside temperature and having to look for ‘that missing thing’ inside, where it’s warm. The same way as we were getting more and more hot in our clothing, our conversation got more and more heated until we parted our own way.

Different cooling-off periods

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Back by Popular Demand: Love Language Part 5 – Physical Touch

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Love Language Part 5 – Physical Touch

We have long known that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Research projects in the area of child development have made that conclusion: Babies who are held, hugged and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.

Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one’s spouse.

The touch of love may take many forms. Since touch receptors are located throughout the body, lovingly touching your spouse almost anywhere can be an expression of love. That does not mean that all touches are created equal.[Tweet “Do you know how your partner likes to be touched?”]

Within every language, there are many dialects. Here below you will find just a few but in the end, you need to understand your spouse’s dialect.

  • Sexual intercourse
  • Touching
  • Caressing
  • Cuddling
  • Holding

Your best instructor is your spouse, of course. Don’t make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings pleasure to you also bring pleasure to her.

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What Shall I Write When A Baby Has Died?

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What Shall I Write When A Baby Has Died?

Writing a card for a baby who died? If yes, what shall I write?
I don’t want to upset the parents…

Today, this great and important question reached me by email.

I have a friend who has just given birth to twins very prematurely. One of them was unfortunately born dead and the surviving twin is understandably very ill. I want to send a card to them but also want to congratulate them on the birth of their surviving daughter at the same time acknowledging the death of the other. Any thoughts of a message I could use?

I can only answer from my personal experience and my preferences.
Obviously you should always take cultural, religious and societal differences into consideration when writing a card.
Think about the parents’ situation and not yours (in terms of religion, for example).

Acknowledge the babies and parents

First of all: always acknowledge the babies born, born alive and born still. 

When I gave birth to my twin girls, I loved and appreciated those people who sent me cards congratulating me to twins.

  • “Congratulations to the birth of your [two] daughter, sons, children.”
  • “New parents are being born – congratulations to the birth of [names].”
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It Is the Relationship Journey That Counts

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www.nathaliehimmelrich.com
Your Relationship Journey counts

Today in a client’ session I heard myself say: A happy relationship with your partner might be your goal but it is not the purpose of (relationship) life. Let me explain.

The journey that counts

The famous quote “It’s not the destination but the journey that counts” leaves some questions unanswered:

  • What is on the journey?
  • What specifically counts as part of the journey
  • What does it really mean?

Quotes are nice but often leave a lot to personal interpretation. Let’s have a look at that quote in relation to your relationship life.

Relationship struggles

Whether intimate, casual or relationships with siblings, parents, friends, colleagues, or employers – relationship are seldom easy. Even the best of friends struggle with each other, have misunderstandings or fights.

This is normal and to be expected.

Relationships, and specifically the closer they are, have the potential within themselves to trigger and bring up any unresolved issues.

On your journey with relationship you will encounter struggles, sooner or later, if you are not just leaving any relationship before it gets close enough.[Tweet “Relationship challenges are to be expected”] [Read more…] about It Is the Relationship Journey That Counts

Back by Popular Demand: Love Language Part 4 – Acts of Service

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Do you know what your partner could use help with?
Do you know what your partner could use help with?

Actions like cooking a meal, setting a table, washing dishes, vacuuming, taking out the garbage, moving the grass, changing the cat’s litter tray, etc are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love.

Within every language, there are many dialects. If you have a spouse with Acts of Service as her primary love language, find the specific things she would like to you help her with by asking her. If you are the person with that specific love language, make a list for your spouse with the things that would help you most.

Remember: love is always freely given. Love cannot be demanded. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.[Tweet “Find the specific things your partner might need help with”] [Read more…] about Back by Popular Demand: Love Language Part 4 – Acts of Service