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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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Multiple Personality ‘Disorder’: Introducing the Selves

May 26, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

multiple personality
Photo by Joshua Fuller on Unsplash

We all have different selves or parts active in us at different times. These selves are the central building blocks of the psyche. Like different identities we take on their energy, or they run our show, seemingly without our input. The purpose of understanding the selves is to become aware of them so that we are at choice as to which one is being activated.

How so the Selves develop?

Each newborn comes into this world with a unique quality of ‘being’, which all mothers and fathers can confirm. They come in totally vulnerable and depending on adults to take care of them. Sooner or later the infant learns to establish some control to avoid painful or unpleasant situations. This is where they develop different selves to deal with whatever life throws at them.

The first self that develops from the state of vulnerability (The Vulnerable Self) is the self that watches over us: The Protector. It makes sure we act appropriately, according to what has been learned from parents and later teachers, and also ensures our safety.

From there onwards there are various selves that might come to form part of our psychic fingerprint: the Critic, the Pusher, the Perfectionist, the Controller, the Pleaser, the Judge, the Responsible Self, the Victim etc. Which ones we choose largely depends on what we have to deal with in life.

Awareness is the Key

The purpose of knowing about the different selves is awareness. Once we get to know and familiarize ourselves with our predominant primary selves, we can then more actively choose how we want to act, as opposed to reacting automatically and unconsciously.

None of the selves are inherently bad or negative. They all have developed to deal with life’s experiences and to take care of the individual. Most of the time it is either the interaction or dynamic between these selves, and the selves reacting to other people that creates stress and anxiety in our lives.

Getting in touch with the Selves

Start by reading up on the different selves – there are various articles you can find in my collection of articles: Introducing the Self. Pay attention to your everyday reactions and thinking patterns and you will notice reoccurring themes. Start by mapping out a ‘Psychic Map’ by drawing circles for the selves you’ve already become aware of in yourself. Sometimes it is good to ask your intimate partner or good friends whether they are aware of selves that are active in you, that you might have disowned or are just unconscious of.

What next?

This series of articles started out through my work with clients in therapy, where I found that working with different voices and selves is highly beneficial. I can recommend that you search for someone trained in working with different selves if you are committed to self-development and want to have a choice over who is running your life!

I would also like to thank Hal and Sidra Stone, whose work on ‘Voice Dialogue’ has influenced my work in very meaningful ways.

Other articles in this series that might be of interest to you:

  • Introducing the Self – The Vulnerable Self
  • Introducing the Self – The Protector
  • Introducing the Self – The Controller
  • Introducing the Self – The Critic
  • Introducing the Self – The Competitor
  • Introducing the Self – The Pusher
  • Introducing the Self – The Perfectionist
  • Introducing the Self – The Pleaser
  • Introducing the Self – The Judge
  • Introducing the Self – The Victim
  • Introducing the Self – The Responsible Self

See my blog for all the articles of the selves mentioned in this list.

Filed Under: self development/motivation Tagged With: multiple personalities, parts, personality, self

Tips For Rebuilding Trust in a Marriage

May 18, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich 2 Comments

man touching woman's face
Photo by Taylor Deas-Melesh on Unsplash

Trust in a marriage is an important factor to keep the relationship smooth and satisfying. It gets damaged through what we call ‘trust breakers’, incidents ranging from lack of information, deliberately leaving out details of what has been happening, lying through to deceit and affairs. If you are committed to making your marriage work after such an incident, you must make rebuilding trust a priority. In the following article, we will look at ways to rebuild trust.

Building trust

Trust builds up with time in gradual development. It is dependent on the following factors: reliability, consistency of actions, words and behaviour, truth and honesty and confidentiality.

Breaking trust

Sometimes trust breaks because of something we fail to do, for example letting our partner know that we are planning to stay out late, and sometimes it breaks because of something we do, like having an affair. Trust is a delicate structure that can more easily and quickly be broken than repaired. Once it is damaged, it takes much longer to rebuild than it originally took to create it.

Rebuilding trust

Rebuilding trust needs to be a joint goal. Both partners need to be prepared to accept that a ‘trust breaker’ has happened and that the intention is to continue in the committed relationship. Remember that this is a process of time, depending on the severity of the ‘trust breaker’.

Choose from the following tips. Some might apply to your situation, some might not.

Tip 1: Be attentive to your partner. Both of you are hurting or feeling guilty and it is important to be mindful of your partner’s present state.

Tip 2: Be honest and speak the truth. In most cases it does not serve to re-build trust if you leave out important details that might be revealed later. If trust is once broken and then rebuilt, it might not survive another break due to the same issue.

Tip 3: Stay true to your word. Stay away from empty promises, no matter how small they are. If you can’t follow through, don’t promise!

Tip 4: Allow time to heal. Rebuilding trust will take time and it might take different amounts of time for your partner. Don’t rush yourself, don’t rush them.

Tip 5: Think carefully who you talk to. Your friends will give you their opinion and perspective on your issue based on their history; it might not necessarily be helpful to you. You then have to not only deal with yourself but also with their view on it.

Rebuilding trust can deepen and strengthen a marriage if you both support each other in dealing with it.

Filed Under: communication, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: breaking trust, building trust, relationship, trust

10 Ways to Develop Intimacy in Your Relationship

May 12, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple
Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

Intimacy is part of every close relationship; this can be between lovers, husband and wife, friends, sisters and/or brothers or other parts of the family. Intimacy itself means a ‘close familiarity, closeness or togetherness’ in general and ‘intercourse, lovemaking’ in sexual relations. In the following article, we will look at ways to develop intimacy specifically between a couple in a relationship; however, they might also apply to other relationships mentioned.

1. Make room

In order to be able to allow intimacy, we need to be in the right environment. This depends on the kind of intimacy we are looking for and on the personality of the people involved. Mostly we need some private space where we can be undisturbed.

2. Reserve some time

Intimacy is also related to time in the sense that it develops with time. As with creating the space, we need to allow time for it to flourish.

3. Be present

Let your thoughts of the day drift away and be present in this moment and space. Specifically, draw your full attention to your partner.

4. Focus your attention

In tantric exercises, couples are asked to look into each other’s eyes and start to breathe together. This encourages presence and attention to be focused on each other which allows intimacy.

5. Speak from the heart

Complete the following sentences: ‘What I appreciate about you is…’ and ‘What I love about you is…’ while you look into your partner’s eyes.

6. Listen – inside and outside

Often people have unconscious fears about intimacy and being seen. Listen to what is happening inside of you (your internal thoughts) and to what your partner is saying.

7. Allow vulnerability

Intimacy also brings up vulnerabilities about who we are at the core. This is where you can develop yourself and your intimacy by allowing any related feelings and truly stay open.

8. Practice acceptance and welcoming

Just as you are opening up your ‘innermost’ self to your partner so will they. Developing more intimacy goes hand in hand with the feeling of acceptance and welcoming that we receive from our partner.

9. Share your fears

Opening up about your fears and failures can develop intimacy if it is mutual.

10. Make it a habit

Continue and repeat steps 1 to 9 and make it a habit. Intimacy does not just happen by accident; it is a result of two people being committed to making their relationship deep and meaningful.

Intimacy has also been transformed into ‘in-to-me-I-see’. To me, this means that in an intimate relationship what we ultimately become aware of and develop is what we see in ourselves.

Filed Under: communication, listicle, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: couples satisfaction, developing in relationship, intimacy, relationship intimacy

Instructions for Life by the Dalai Lama

May 6, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich 1 Comment

love hearts
Photo by Bruce Hong on Unsplash

1. Take into account that great love and great achievement involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:
~ Respect for self
~ Respect for others and
~ Responsibility for all your actions
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realise you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation, don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge, it’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been to before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is the one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Dalai Lama

Filed Under: communication, self development/motivation Tagged With: Dalai Lama, instructions, life, self development, self-awarenes, wisdom

10 More Key Principles About Relationships

May 6, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple hugging
Photo by Pakistani Stylish Boys on Unsplash

For more key principles about a relationship please look at my previous article called: ‘10 Key Principles About Relationships‘.

# 1: Finding your voice: It’s important to remember that the self is continually reinvented through our interactions with others. Every relationship is a laboratory in which we can practice using our voice in new ways and observe the results of our experiments.

# 2: Communication Skills: Words transmit only 7% of the communication. 38% is delivered with our tone of voice and 56% by our body language. Remember that rolling your eyes at a statement of your partner conveys more harm to the communication than saying: ‘I don’t agree with what you are saying.’

# 3: Understanding: Remember that the goal of your conversation with your partner isn’t necessary to seek agreement, but to communicate understanding.

# 4: Self-esteem: YOUR self-esteem is unconditional, it is your birthright as a human being, it does not need to be earned – it is a given. Your partner is not able to take it from you, nor are they responsible to give you YOUR self-esteem, that is for you to realise and experience.

# 5: Accept Change: Relationships will inevitably change over time. Face up to the reality of who you truly are and who your partner is, accept and welcome change and grow with it.

# 6: Look after yourself: When two people in a relationship each look after themselves, then both are being looked after. That does not mean that you become egoistically focused on yourself but that you take responsibility for your own well-being and happiness and do not expect your partner to be responsible to make you happy.

# 7: Give in, let go, move on: Although it may not be easy, try letting go of the idea that you need to win arguments with your partner in order to prove an upper moral hand. Consider whether it might be better to simply forfeit fights from time to time.

# 8: Laugh about yourself: Remember to not take yourself too seriously in the relationship. Laughing about yourself and your patterns of reactions sometimes makes it easier to relate. And it allows your partner to join you.

# 9: Open your heart: Have you realised that when your partner talks about their feelings (even if it is that they are upset at you) it does not really help to apply logic or reason? It is better to just listen with an open heart and communicate empathy. Easier said than done? Just practice.

# 10: Love, respect and affection: The key to successful relating is not found in complex theories or convoluted formulas for behaviour. It is based on the deepest feeling of love, respect and affection for your partner, and is demonstrated simply through empathy and understanding. Good relating begins in your heart and then continues on a moment-to-moment basis by engaging your partner when feelings run high when they are sad, angry or hurt. The heart of relating is being there in a particular way when it really counts.

Filed Under: communication, listicle, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: couple, couples communication, couples satisfaction, happy, healing relationship, long term relationship, relationship challenges, relationship vision, relationship wisdom

The 7 C’s of Communication

May 5, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple in sunset
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

Communication is the basis of every human interaction, whether it is verbal or non-verbal. Connection can only occur once communication in one form or another occurs. Human beings are made to connect and communicate. Imagine if for one day you were not able to communicate with any human being – how would that feel?

Connect

Once you connect through communication your personal input will determine the quality and the depth of connection you form. Connection happens on many levels, from a mental, emotional or physical to an energetic or even spiritual level. A connection can last between moments and a lifetime.

Create

Communication is here to create a connection with others. It allows you to get to know someone new, to make new acquaintances or friends and to create new sources of experiences in your life. Be mindful of what you create with your communication, especially as it consists of body language, which is 55% of the whole communication, tone of voice, 38%, and the words, which astonishingly transmit only 7% of the whole communication.

Converse

To converse from Latin means ‘to turn around’, to engage in conversation, the informal exchange of ideas by spoken words. Every conversation consists of a speaker and a listener. More often than not while communicating we focus on our turn speaking and forget to truly listen. Active listening is a skill that can be trained and if you truly want to have quality interactions you need to become an excellent listener.

Cooperate and Compromise

As important as the content of communication is the ability of the people involved to cooperate and compromise. As mentioned in the paragraph above allowing others to speak is the foundation of any conversation. If you find this challenging, learn and practice the art of active listening. The next step is to accept differences in opinions and perspectives, which does not necessarily mean to agree with them.

Clarify

Ask for clarification! Words are only labels and descriptors for things, experiences and meanings but they are not the things themselves. Remember to question your assumptions before continuing the conversation.

Come together

Every communication is a coming together of souls. Treat it as a sacred opportunity to learn something new, even if it is about someone or something you think you already know.

Filed Under: coaching, communication, counselling, listicle, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: clarification, clarity, communication, communication issues, connection, couples communication

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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