Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

Love Language Part 1 – Words Of Affirmation

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Verbal compliments, or words of affirmation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation, such as:

“You look sharp in that suit.”
“Do you ever look nice in that dress! Wow!”
“You must be the best potato cook in the world. I love these potatoes.”
“I really appreciate you washing the dishes tonight.”
“Thanks for getting the babysitter lined up for tonight. I want you to know that I don’t take that for granted.”
“I really appreciate your taking the garbage out.”

What would happen to the emotional climate of a marriage if the husband or the wife heard such words of affirmation regularly?

Within every language, there are many dialects. Here below you will find just a few but in the end, you need to understand your spouse’s dialect.

[Read more…] about Love Language Part 1 – Words Of Affirmation

Name That Feeling, You Will Feel Better

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Putting feelings into words makes sadness and anger less intense, U.S. brain researchers said in a finding that explains why talking to a therapist — or even a sympathetic bartender — often makes people feel better. Researchers scanned the brains of people who were shown pictures of faces expressing strong emotions and asked to categorize the feelings using words like “sad” or “angry”. They were also asked to match the face to one of two gender-specific names like “Sally” or “Harry”.

The findings showed that when people attached a word like “angry” to an angry-looking face, the response in the amygdala portion of the brain that handles fear, panic and other strong emotions decreased. This seems to dampen down the response in these basic emotional circuits in the brain — in this case the amygdala. What lights up instead is the right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that controls impulses.

So rather than talking about feelings leading to new insights, and that understanding being what transforms you, it may be that simply naming an emotion allows you to move on from it.
Source: Psychological Science

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The Five Love Languages

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So what are the 5 Love Languages? Each person feels and shows love in different ways. Let’s see if you recognize yourself and your loved ones by reading the description of the 5 Love Languages.

Click here to read the description of the 5 types. Please leave a comment, if you wish. Once you’ve read the article you can answer the question below:

1. What is my primary love language?
2. What is my partner’s primary love language?
3. How can I show my partner, my love, in the way she/he understands the best?

If you’re not sure, ask your partner: ‘What would make you feel loved right now?’
You might choose to start a list with ideas on what makes him/her happy and use the ideas on a daily basis. Watch how your relationship is blossoming!

Words of Affirmation

This person needs acknowledgment for who they are and what they do. They draw heavily on verbal compliments, encouragements, and words of appreciation such as ‘thanks for doing…’, ‘you look good in…’, ‘I really appreciate you doing…’ etc.

Quality Time

This person needs time together. This means having your partner’s undivided attention, e.g. looking at each other and talking, or talking and walking, just the two of you. Just proximity such as watching television is not enough. This person needs to know you can engage in a quality conversation where the two of you are sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted environment. It also involves doing things together. This may include any activity e.g. cooking, going to markets, and playing sports – as long as the focus is enjoying being together.

Receiving Gifts

To this person, gifts are important symbols of love. What is important is that your partner thinks of you and makes the effort to translate that into a gift. This also includes yourself and your time, e.g. being in a caring way at significant times or when needed emotionally.

Acts of Service

Nothing means as much to this person as giving and receiving practical support. This includes the myriad of tasks such as cooking, cleaning, walking the dog, working to provide etc. You seek pleasure by serving and express by doing.

Physical Touch

To this person, physical touch is a powerful vehicle for communicating emotional love. This includes a wide range of behaviours from tousling your partner’s hair, a squeeze, a touch, a massage, holding hands, kissing, and sexual intercourse. They particularly need touch or holding at times of distress. This person feels most secure in their love when it is expressed physically.

Remember that each language has different dialects. Start to pay attention to the way your loved ones feel most loved and appreciated. Now you have the choice to use that knowledge to make the most important person in your life feel loved…

(Please also refer to the book ‘The Five Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman)

Stages Of A Relationship

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1. COURTSHIP

‘Falling in Love’, a very passionate, very romantic, idealised relationship. The challenge at this stage is for each person to allow themselves to become vulnerable, to take the risk that by opening themselves to the other person they may hurt. Usually the partners are blind to any problems and there is no other reality.

2. HONEYMOON

The relationship is happy and stable at this time. The emphasis is on the couple’s ‘sameness’. They do everything together. The challenges are being able to separate enough from their family and developing the expression of their positive emotions, love and sexuality.

3. DIFFERENTIATION

Some differences start to emerge. The couple do less together and more as individuals. Each is able to see aspects of their partner that they may not have seen before. They no longer are perfect. It is a challenge for many people to be able to tolerate the decrease in the intensity of the relationship and an increase in the emotional distance will be perceived as evidence of the partner being selfish, stubborn, uncaring or withdrawn.

4. CONFLICT

It is common during this stage to feel quite disillusioned with your partner and to tend to blame them for any difficulties. ‘If only they would change, everything would be alright.’ There are many challenges to face during this stage, developing the necessary skills:

  • Express negative emotions to their partner; hurt, anger, fear
  • Communicate openly and honestly
  • Raise issues as necessary
  • Resolve conflicts constructively
  • Open themselves to self examination and to increase their self awareness
  • Take responsibility for their own part in the interactions of the relationship

The risks for this stage are that many couples lose faith in each other, lose their sense of hope for the future, deciding that they have ‘fallen out of love’ and decide to separate.

5. MUTUAL INTERDEPENDENCE

This stage is characterised by the following aspects:

  • Both are able to act independently, feel capable and competent in their own right
  • Both are able to provide support for their partner when needed
  • Both partners feel that their needs are being met both physically and emotionally
  • Both partners are staying in the relationship by choice – not because of expectations of others such as family or religious beliefs or to avoid the fears of leaving.
  • Both are able to take individual responsibility

The couple should now have increased respect for both themselves and their partner, increased trust in the strength of the relationship and increased hope for the future. The challenge now is for the couple to be flexible and adaptable enough to adjust to all of life’s changes over time. They should be able to tolerate closeness without fearing suffocation.

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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