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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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authenticity

Understanding Self-Overwhelm Pattern

November 13, 2013 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

chaos
Photo by Ricardo Viana on Unsplash

Who does not feel overwhelmed at times? I certainly do, more often than I would like to. Today, I have achieved a higher level of insight on the recipe that leads to a number of my overwhelming moments, which I would like to share with you. Have a think about what aspects of this recipe might also apply to you and you might shift it for tomorrow!

I am feeling so overwhelmed!

In many cases, or from experiencing feelings that you do not like. It also keeps you from achieving things that you really would like to but entail some uncomfortable steps or to get things done that are clogging up your energy because they remain on the ‘to do’ list.

What creates overwhelm?

If you are like me, then too many visual or auditory (or other senses) stimuli will overwhelm you. My 2 year old daughter talking like a chatter box and repeating the same questions like “Mum, scissors, mum, want to cut, mum, mum, mummy, scissors… ” or imagining a task like creating a photo album from the last 2 years of her life with literally thousands of photos stored somewhere on my computer. It can also be a task, which has too many unknown components or steps, or one that needs to be finished in too short a time frame. In your case you might find some loosely related topics that create your overwhelm.

Response and result

A not analyzed or automatic response to overwhelm is something like stress, impatience or thinking ‘this is too much for me’ or ‘I cannot handle this anymore. This may lead to avoiding the task, becoming emotional (angry, annoyed, impatient), suddenly feeling sleepy or finding yourself doing other things (like watching a movie) or turning to food.

Thinking pattern creating havoc

Often, our thinking patterns or ‘cognitive distortions’ are forming a big part of the problem. If you are an ‘all-or-nothing’ thinker you will already have one ingredient for the overwhelm recipe. Another one is being overly ‘other-reverenced’.

What does this mean?

Let me show you how I have done it in the past (until today): information (visual, verbal stimuli) comes into my system. My ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking says: “I always have to respond” and my ‘other-reference’ adds: “… to my daughter” (for example). If I would add another distortion of time, I might add “now” and/or “immediately”. Given my daughter is only 2 year old this might seem very reasonable but thinking about her latest pleasure of cutting anything into small pieces it is not really an emergency to get the scissors now and always.

What and how to change?

First of all, make a list of the stimuli that lead to your overwhelm. Find your personal response and result pattern. Then ask yourself: What would I prefer to have instead? What would I like to feel instead?

In my case, the new desired response was to feel relaxed. I also needed to get clear on HOW to get relaxed because it seemed too impossible to even imagine.

I inserted a ‘self’ check: ‘Do I have enough to give right now?’ If not, and it wasn’t an emergency, I would be allowed to set boundaries and take time to look after myself. This is the antidote to being overly ‘other-referenced’ and it is called being ‘self-referenced with an outside check’. ‘Do I have enough energy?’ is the ‘self’ check and ‘is it an emergency?’ is the ‘outside’ check.

The second step was to ask myself whether I had to or needed to respond to everything she wanted at any given moment.

Often, with an ‘all-or-nothing’ frame we also look at the whole picture, which might become overwhelming, rather than looking for incremental steps to the end result.

It is important to always try on the changes that you envisage and see whether it fits for you. If not, or not yet, you might have to include another step or make some adjustments to the process. Then, when you think it fits, it is time to practice it in real life and get feedback from there.

Give it a try and let me know in the comments how you are going.

Filed Under: authenticity, coaching, counselling, self development/motivation Tagged With: overwhelm, stress, stressful

The Lie of Strength

November 19, 2012 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

fist
Photo by visuals on Unsplash

Have you ever thought about NOT having to be strong?

I found this on a blog and I think it’s well worth considering:

I don’t think it’s a virtue or an accomplishment to hide or deny your pain so that you can take care of others. We tell people they are “strong” when we are uncomfortable with their pain and would prefer that they shut up and not bother us with it. To say “but you are strong” is telling someone “I don’t think you should feel that way,” and it’s not a compliment. I don’t think that strength means being invulnerable, or pretending that you are. The belief that silence and stoicism are inherently good qualities is how you end up dressed up like a bat punching criminals in an alley – it’s not a good road to emotional health.

You don’t owe it to your friends to be the “strong” one. Just because you have always been the good listener and the shoulder to cry on, doesn’t mean you have to maintain that role now when you need a good listener and a shoulder to cry on.

Be sad. Be angry. Let your heartbreak – in the diner, on someone’s futon, in the park, on the way to the zoo, at brunch, over drinks,  in the therapist’s office, on the bus – Wherever it breaks, let it break all the way open, let it run out and down and spread out in a soggy puddle at your feet. Say, “I’m sorry, I can’t listen to you today, my heart is broken. Will you sit with me a while and I’ll tell you about it?“

Say, “I can’t take care of you today, but you can take care of me, and maybe tomorrow I will take care of you, and we can trade off like that for a while, okay?”

Say, “I love you, and I love that you think I’m strong, but I don’t feel like being strong today. I feel like being angry and crazy and sad. Can we go to the movies or just sit here quietly or take a walk or talk about it or not talk about it?“

Your friends may get scared when you do this. If you, the “strong” one can break, what does that say about them? That’s why they push back at you and try to remind you of your strength when what you need is for them to stand by you in your pain and weakness. They don’t have to solve that pain, they just have to bear witness to it. Maybe they don’t know how – a lot of people don’t know what to do in the face of other people’s pain. They want to fix everything, and if they can’t fix it they feel inadequate. As the “strong” one you can help them out with this by saying “You don’t have to fix it. You don’t have to do anything. Just be with me, and listen, and love me, and I’ll love you back. That’s all I need – to know that you love me, even when I’m sad and scared and don’t know what to do next.”

To ask for help is strength.

To admit you don’t know is strength.

To tell the truth about what’s happening is strength.

To be imperfect and to trust that imperfect people will love you despite those imperfections (albeit imperfectly) is strength.

To let the people you love see how you really feel – without trying to hide or stage-manage their perception of you – is strength.

Filed Under: authenticity, communication, emotions/feelings Tagged With: authenticity, being authentic, being real, being strong, emotional strength

Clearing Things

September 19, 2012 By Nathalie Himmelrich 2 Comments

rose
Photo by Roksolana Zasiadko on Unsplash

Today I stood in the garage with my Dad going through the remnants of my parent’s life. They have been married and together for 54 years from when they were 17 years old. My Dad tears up as he watches my Mum’s picture in what we call ‘Mum’s room’. In every little thing stored in their garage, there is history, stories about all those moments they shared.

I’m dealing with clearing the things he no longer needs or wants. He says: ‘It might be easier for you to throw these things away than for me. Or maybe not?’ He is relieved that he doesn’t have to deal with all the details.

He tells me some of the anecdotes that I might have heard before but I let him tell me again. It’s his processing time. Today on the phone he mentioned that he is good at avoiding, so I figure that I give him as much of this way of processing that he chooses to take on his own choice.

I recall another instant… 6 weeks ago we came to Switzerland and he was with us for the last 3,5 weeks at our old home. On one of the last days, we went to visit Hope’s place, the beach where we scattered our little girl’s ashes. I was surprised at the emotional reaction he had as we stood there quietly at the ocean after our ritual rose petal scattering. Again, processing time.

I’m aware again and again that grief has its own timetable as I’m standing here in ‘Mum’s room’ with my Dad. For him, the most manageable way to deal with my Mum’s suicide was and still is avoiding it. He’s been in a state of shock for the first few months, fully functioning on the outside, seemingly looking and feeling ‘well’ but inside he was probably not fully connected with what had happened. It might have been the best this way. He’s not in denial, just doing what he can.

Filed Under: authenticity, emotions/feelings, family of origin, grief/loss, grieving parents Tagged With: allowing grief, emotional reaction, grief, letting grief happen, processing time, state of shock, timetable of grief

Sometimes I Break Down…

November 18, 2011 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

beach and ocean
Photo by john vargues on Unsplash

Sometimes I break down
Out of the blue
Like unexpected storm
Which hits the land
For no real apparent reason

Grief kicks in
And surprises me with its despair
And I stand there helplessly
As my skirt gets soaked by rain

Vulnerability shows its face
The layers of ‘I’m fine’ are wearing thin
Penetrated by loneliness
I become silent

My head aches
From all those unshed tears
Which finally are released
Through the veils of self-preservation

I’m angry I’m sad
I’m frustrated
I have no patience
I shout I scream
I grind my teeth

But nothing brings back my child
Only the memory remains
Of her tiny little body
Never meant to grow
Beyond the picture in my memory

Filed Under: authenticity, child loss, from personal experience, grief/loss, grieving parents Tagged With: child loss, grief and loss, grieving a child, grieving my child, tears

Grief – A Very Personal Experience

November 5, 2011 By Nathalie Himmelrich 2 Comments

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Today marks 2 months since Amya Mirica passed away.

Yesterday Chris and I went out for the first time in the evening and left Ananda Mae with my sister. We went to the classical concert of the Brandenburg Orchestra of which we have season’s tickets. The previous concert was exactly 2 months ago, the evening of Amya Mirica’s passing and the music gently reminded me of the presence of angels in the room as the beautiful angelic voice of the soloist soprano filled the concert hall serendipitously called ‘Angel’s place’. I was once again reminded that grief is a very personal experience and will be experienced in any unexpected moment and location.

This week we also went back to the hospital, where I gave birth, where we said good-bye to Amya Mirica and from where we took Ananda Mae home with us. The hospital will always hold an interesting energy and importance for me – both joy and bliss as overriding emotions associated with the birth and sadness and despair of losing my child. This time we went back to join a Bereavement Group.

It was a deep and intense morning as we shared with couples who also lost their babies. Each and every one of us is grieving. When I listened to their stories I felt connected in sharing a similar experience. In my career as a counsellor working with clients experiencing grief I was, according to their feedback, really able to support them in their process. Now however, I doubt that I was ever able to REALLY be there for them without fully understanding the depth of their experience. I think now that this is only really possible now that I gained access to this experience on a very personal level.

A few weeks ago I met my banker, who I have been talking to frequently before the birth of the twins. When I told her my story she said: I’m so sorry, I know what you’re going through. My first reaction inside was ‘I doubt you know what I’m going through’. She then however shared with me that she lost her second child through cot death at 3 months. This statement totally changed the meaning of her empathy. I have to say that I couldn’t imagine what she must have gone through in her personal experience and even though we share the part of losing one’s own child at a very young age, it’s still a very personal story and experience. She then said: ‘It will get easier’ and, in comparison to other people who could have said the same, coming from her it was founded in her personal experience and therefore I took it on board.

I also learnt this week that there are two fundamentally different ways people feel and deal with grief: the instrumental griever and the intuitive griever. The instrumental griever, historically the man, feels better by doing things as they feel unable to fix this. The intuitive griever, usually the woman, grieve through experiencing all the emotions and crying frequently (read more about these two patterns here). This can cause discordance in a relationship between an intuitive and an instrumental griever as they are rarely in the same place. Grieving has given our relationship a totally different level of understanding of each other, as well as the ability to be with the other’s way of dealing with it.

Related article: Different Ways of Grieving – Intuitive and Instrumental Grieving

Filed Under: authenticity, child loss, from personal experience, grief/loss, grieving parents, parenting Tagged With: child loss, death, grief, grief and loss, grieving, loss

My Child Died – A Conversation Stopper

October 27, 2011 By Nathalie Himmelrich 25 Comments

mural with child
Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash

Many people are lost for words when they hear me say that my child has passed away. Losing one’s own child is one of those experiences that we don’t know how to deal with – an untimely death.

I want to encourage people to dare to speak to me about my child, to mention her name and to ask me how I feel about it now. It does not have to be the only topic we talk about but it definitely shouldn’t be the one topic to avoid.

It might bring up emotions in me and it will definitely bring up emotions in you. What you are doing with them – allow and welcome or hide and suppress them – is the question.  You are meeting your own grief. You might be afraid of what you think it must feel like for me.  The chance is that I’ve already gone through and experienced the sadness, despair,  hopelessness, anger… This however is no absolution from feeling it again and again whether you mention it or not. Sooner or later I will go through the emotions and so are you. There is no way of hiding from this experience in life.

So the question really becomes: Can you bear standing in the face of any emotions, mine or your own? Are you ready to be authentic and share your tears with me? Or are you more comfortable hiding them?

There is no right or wrong way and no judgement of mine. It’s whatever you are comfortable with in yourself.

And remember – there is no set time frame for grief.

It will NEVER be over, so don’t expect me to ‘be over it’.

I don’t want time to heal this wound.

Yes, it will (and already has) get easier.

Filed Under: authenticity, child loss, emotions/feelings, from personal experience, grief/loss, grieving parents Tagged With: baby, child, dying baby, dying child, grief, neonatal death, stillbirth

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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