... my dead child... Sometimes I fall into the trap of what I believe other people must be thinking when reading my posts and ask myself this Q. Today I came across this song and something in me happened. I remembered why. And it touched me deeply. I actually cried just now as I was watching the 'only few' pictures we have from A'Mya.And I realised: Grief doesn't have to be 'fresh' to be felt Remembering matters because it is the only time we have with them This is the time when I mother my daughter A'Mya The only place she lives is in my heart and in my memory. By sharing her with you I keep myself sane and authentic And if this - by any chance - triggers you It is not because of my sharing or because of me 'still talking about her' It is because something in you is touched and this feels uncomfortable Because truly - you can imagine losing a child even if you say 'I can't imagine what you went through' you could - if you'd so choose to - but you'd rather not meet that pain and anguish that deep inside you, you know Because let's face it: Loss is inevitable Grief is a given you are human and bound to experience this On the other side of birth is death On the other side of a hello is a goodbye Embrace it, lean into it Grief is Love
Part of anyone’s personal development will be getting to know yourself and learning to tap into your intuition. At the beginning of that endeavor this can be a not so easy challenge to sort out “what really is intuition and what is all the other ‘crap'”?
To shed a bit more light on what’s driving you we need to understand conditioning. The way you are today, the way you think and behave is the result of your conditioning, your upbringing and your education. The sentences you heard from your parents, all well-meant and intended, will have left a mark on your unconscious mind. Some of those statements have become guiding principles, like the policies of a company that are stored somewhere in the archive cupboard.
Years later, in the present time, you are still running your ship with guiding principles and policies that might have been useful at an earlier time, but are outdated now. The crux of the situation is that they don’t update themselves, they quietly influence your everyday thinking, emoting and behaving. It’s time to clear out that archive cupboard and throw out those not really useful beliefs!
How to find limiting beliefs or guiding principles?
Start by listening to your mind. For example, you might be standing in the kitchen, preparing breakfast, intuitively reaching for the passion fruit yoghurt when a voice says: ‘You should first use up the blueberry yoghurt or it goes off.’ Alarm bells! ‘Should’ is always a good indication that you’ve just uncovered some old belief or guiding principle that was created by someone else. In the example it might be something like ‘You shouldn’t waste food’ or ‘You must always eat up what’s on your plate’ (later ‘in your fridge’). Does this make sense?
Even though those principles may not be ‘wrong’ as such, it is questionable if you are in the process of honing your intuition. For whatever reason, you were reaching for the passion fruit yoghurt. Often there is no clear logical explanation for intuition so don’t bother searching for one. It just is.
When you are at the point where you notice what I’ve just explained in the example above, you are now at the point of being able to make your choice. This is the process of getting to know yourself and finding your voice of intuition.
If you find yourself overthinking a topic, there is a good chance that intuition has already been surpassed a while ago. Intuition usually is like a subtle voice, sense, or feeling that comes immediately when you do something. Also if you find yourself tossing and turning between two options that sound equally good and you find it hard to make a decision, just step back for a moment and when you come back to it, go with your gut instinct – that’s practising following your intuition.
1. Happiness is accepting “what is” and getting on with life. Recriminations or regrets have no place in happiness.
2. Happiness is a natural state of being, just choose it and make it happen. You will never be happier than you expect to be, so raise your expectations.
3. Happiness is savouring every moment in the present. Spending too much time in the past or the future is robbing you of your NOW.
Time NOW is your life NOW. Treasure it.
4. Happiness is developing the wisdom to know what is in your control and what isn’t and accepting it. Knowing that you can only control yourself.
5. Happiness is making time for yourself every day in any way you choose and allowing others the same right.
6. Happiness is appreciating what you ALREADY have and not dreaming your life away.
7. Happiness is letting all of the people in your life know how much you love and appreciate them now. Live each moment as if it is your last.
In the end, what matters is;
How well did you live
How well did you love
How well did you learn to let go
How do you make sure you experience happiness?
Happy to read your comments 🙂
Sometimes life seems like an endless struggle from one challenge to the next. In such times we might either need to work through it on our own or learn to ask for help.
I have recently heard the song by Miley Cyrus called ‘The Climb’ where she sings about those times of challenge. Let’s have a look at her message and what we can learn from it.
There’s always going to be another mountain
The truth is that after one challenge is dealt with and finished you can count on the fact that there will be another one sooner or later. Clients who come to therapy often want to have problems go away, believing that ‘if only I have dealt with this, I’ll be happy’.
It’s always going to be an uphill battle
It still surprises me that after however many years people have lived and collected life experience, there is still the glimmer of hope that dealing with issues will end. ‘Happy ever after’ might be portrayed in fairy tales and movies but is not life’s reality. You will have realised by now that those challenges will always be an uphill battle and sometimes you going to have to lose. The question is: How are you going to react or respond to this fact?
It’s not about how fast I get there
Miley reminds us about the secret that has been out for decades if not centuries: It’s the journey that counts. In her song she says: ‘ain’t about how fast I get there, ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side, it’s the climb.’ The truth of the matter is that most of us keep our struggles to ourselves. Vulnerability and weakness are neither accepted nor welcomed. With the question ‘Hello, how are you?’ no one really wants to know that you are currently struggling.
Lost with no direction, my faith is shaking
Assuming that this girl, or whoever is writing her songs, is talking about real challenges faced it shows that even the stars that always look so glamorous and happy are facing their stuff. Once in a while, we hear about some starlets’ drug abuse or challenges in a relationship but most often we focus on their perfect body shape or flawless make-up and seem to forget they are human after all.
I got to keep trying
As I have said before, the question is how you are going to react or respond to your challenges. The problem itself is never the real problem; it is what we make of it. I remember one of my clients who came to me with breast cancer as her health issue. When I asked her how satisfied she was in relation to her health, she said 9 out of 10. I asked her: ‘So where does the breast cancer fit into that?’ and she responded: ‘Oh well, besides that I’m healthy and I know I can handle it!’ Wow, what an attitude!
The moments that I’m going to remember most
The song brings it to the point: You might not know it but those challenging moments are the ones that really make you grow. It is when you have no choice but to do something, to change, to rethink, that is when real transformation happens.
Keep your faith. And ask for help.
Relationships are the fastest way to personally evolve if you are prepared to stay a continuous student. Any relationship will, sooner or later, bring up and highlight areas in which you can learn more about yourself, your partner and your ability to truly relate to what is.
What is a long term relationship?
In order to find out how we can stay happy in a long term relationship we need to first clarify the meaning of ‘long term relationship’. Personally, I would consider a relationship to be long term somewhere around the time when it passed the two to three years mark. The reason for that time frame is that the initial honeymoon period, in which we start out as a couple, lasts anywhere from 6 to 18 months, at the most – and if you are lucky – 3 years. For more information on the different stages in relationships refer to my most popular article called ‘Stages of a Relationship’.
‘Staying happy’ means that you mostly feel comfortable in your relationship without having to deal with any major crisis on a regular basis. Staying happy should also include a healthy attitude and acceptance towards arguments with your partner. If, on the other hand, you expect that you will never be upset at your partner or that there will never be a negative feeling between you, then you are either denying human reality and/or should probably stay single.
Relationships change over time
Relationships will inevitably change with time. Initially, most couples experience a high level of passion, arousal and loving feelings towards their partner. After the honeymoon period, and when differentiation sets in, we perceive our partner with a more realistic eye, which also means that we come to realise that our previous ‘perfect partner’ might not be that perfect after all. That is the time when you are required to face up to reality and you can choose to continue with your relationship with more true openness to what is, accepting its change and grow with it.
Love and connection beyond the effect of hormones
Staying happy in a long term relationship means that you are willing to accept and work with those changes. It means that you find a love and connection deeper than the one powered by hormones. Dealing with differences and accepting disagreeing with your partner are part of any long term relationship.
Communication and openness
A long term relationship will eventually bring out your true self and that of your partner. This can be an uncomfortable evolution as you are being faced with your own, as well as your partner’s, less pleasant parts. That is when open communication, about self, others and the relationship, and acceptance of self and others become major milestones and achievements in your self-development!
Bill Gates said: ‘Life is not fair, get used to it.’ He is right. Some of you might cringe hearing this, some of you might want to negotiate over this fact and others might simply use some fatalistic sentence like ‘When it’s meant to be it will happen.’ Unfortunately, any of these approaches won’t help you when you experience really painful ‘unfairness’.
First of all we have to understand that what is fair and what is not is a question of perception. Fairness in life is not based on a rulebook with which experiences can be measured. What you mean by ‘being fair’ is your personal definition based on your values, which does not necessarily have to coincide with another person’s value system.[Read more…] about Life Is Not Fair, Get Used To It