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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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active listening

You Don’t Need To Say Much – Communication Rules

February 4, 2015 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Couple looking at each other
Photo by Davids Kokainis on Unsplash

Recently when coaching a couple regarding their communication I heard myself comment on their way of engaging with each other when listening and heard myself say: “You don’t need to say much in order for someone to feel really listened to.” Having said that, there are some things you need to do or say, even when you are the listener. Let’s have a closer look at the communication rules of active listening.

Rules for Active Listeners:

  • Maintain contact, depending on cultural traditions this can be eye contact or sitting together
  • Focus on what the other person is saying
  • Make sure you have open body language or try mirroring the speaker’s body language (without mimicking)
  • Use non-verbal cues (mm-hm, ah, OK) to let the other know you are listening
  • Put your agenda, your thoughts, to the side while listening
  • Reflect back to the other person what you think they meant
  • Do not simply rely on your assumption of what you understood, check with the other person

Don’ts for Active Listeners:

  • Do not simply stare at the other person
  • Do not pretend to listen, it will show
  • If you notice you’re thinking, for example about your to-do list, stop
  • Do not use unsupportive non-verbal cues like rolling your eyes, sneering, crossing your arms in front of your chest or sighing

If you happen to do those things, it’s best to apologize by saying something like: “I’m sorry, I was just absent for a moment” and refocus. You can be sure that if you are not interested but pretend to be, the speaker will notice something not quite right.

Are you listening?

There are some reactions you will notice in your conversation when the other person does not feel listened to. They will either repeat themselves, try and make eye contact with you, look doubtful, get irritated or frustrated or blatantly ask the question: “Are you listening?” This is the cue for the listener that they haven’t followed the rules above.

I’m overwhelmed!

People who don’t feel heard or understood tend to repeat themselves, speak more than needed and look for affirmation from the listener. If you feel overwhelmed at the amount of talking, you as the listener are required to be honest and say so. Say something like: “Too much information, I’m overwhelmed! Can you summarize that?” or “I am overwhelmed and I can’t take more in, can we speak about this a bit later again?”

You don’t need to say much, to make someone feel listened to. You need to show up, be present and suspend your agenda for later. Simply said, but not easily done.

Remember that every conversation you have is training in being a good and honest listener. It means a lot to most people to feel listened to, which is why many people search out counsellors and coaches and are happy to pay them so they are fully listened to.

Filed Under: communication, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: active listening, feeling listened to, feeling understood, good listener, good listening

Why Your Are Not Successful in Communicating With Your Partner – Issue of Structure

December 31, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Photo by Erik Lucatero on Unsplash

The real reason for communication failures is often the lack of awareness of what is really happening. If you understand what level your challenges truly are and what you are communicating about, whether it is content or structure, you are then able to deal with the real issues. This article will look at the structural issues. 

Are you truly listening to me when I’m talking?

Structural issue overview:

Un-resourceful ways of listening

  • Finishing the other person’s sentences
  • Lack of supportive non-verbal cues
  • Inability to truly listen (=active listening)

Un-resourceful ways of talking

  • Interrupting
  • Talking in monologue
  • Different structures of talking
  • Recycling old issues
  • Using any of the emotional-based strategies
  • Unhelpful situations, time or environment

Are you clear whether you are listening or talking?

Listening

The basis of every conversation is speaking and listening. Often, however, all we care about is what I want to say and not what the other person has said. Listening is something we expect to be able to do but if it hasn’t been trained and made aware, we are not truly able to actively listen.

What is active listening?

Wikipedia describes it as a communication technique, which requires the listener to feedback what they hear to the speaker, by way of re-stating or paraphrasing what they have heard in their own words, to confirm what they have heard and whether both parties understand it the same way.

In a normal everyday conversation this might feel stilted but when we are challenged in our conversations, it is a way to remove or diminish any assumptions (see also the articles on emotional issues affecting conversations and content issues).

Active listening also means putting aside your own agenda and truly focussing on what the other person is trying to convey. This will significantly help the other person feel understood – and isn’t that what we all want?

It means waiting for the other to finish, without interruptions and without finishing their statement in your own head or saying: “Yes, yes, I know what you’re trying to say.”

One last but not less important aspect is non-verbal cues: nodding your head in agreement, holding eye contact, facial changes that show you are listening, like frowning in astonishment are just examples. Some people are very stoic in their non-verbal cues and show minimal to none. Others are very expressive. The question is less about how much you show and more about whether you show that you are truly listening.

Talking

We all want to be listened to and we all want to get some talking time. A balanced couple’s conversation must have approximately equal talking time for each partner, taking personal talking styles into consideration. Women generally talk more and more often. Still, in a couple, there needs to be space for both.

Continuous interruptions will lead to frustration and subsequent emotionally based issues like stonewalling, shutting down or attacking.

Talking in monologue will lead to disinterest and cause a lack of or a lesser quality of listening. Listening gets tiring in a conversation if one person takes over.

People have different styles of talking, for example, some are very detailed and others prefer the broad view, the summary and are not interested in details. Notice and accept your different styles of talking.

By recycling old issues and using an emotional-based strategy, for example projecting, deflecting or personalising, the actual topic discussed is being diluted and avoided. If you drag old issues into the conversation you are less likely to resolve the topic at hand.

Unhelpful situations

When discussing, make sure that the time and space is suitable. Having family or children around will make it less effective because there are distractions or other people will add their opinion, asked or unasked.

Make sure you plan sufficient time, ask your partner beforehand and get yourself into the right state of mind (and emotion) for the best possible outcome.

Filed Under: communication, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: active listening, interrupting, non-verbal cues, talking

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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