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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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affair

Affairs – Who Is At Fault?

January 6, 2011 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple in sunset
Photo by Azrul Aziz on Unsplash

Affairs are never pretty experiences when they have to be dealt with in the primary relationship. So who is responsible? Who is at fault?

An affair, by definition, is a dishonest relationship with someone other than the partner you are in a primary relationship with. This relationship usually involves strong feelings, affection, sexual desire, lust, or love. It is dishonest because it is usually kept a secret, and involves lying or deliberately leaving out details about your whereabouts.

Different people will have various definitions of what an affair is, often to justify their actions. If there is something involving a person of the opposite sex (or the gender you are sexually attracted to) that you don’t want your partner to know, then it is very likely to be part of an affair as it does not adhere to your spoken or unspoken couples agreement.

Emotional or physical

Affairs don’t necessarily have to include sex. There is an intimacy between two people long before two bodies even touch. You can enter into a cyber or phone affair without even knowing or seeing the person. ‘We didn’t sleep with each other’ is, therefore, no excuse if you have had strong feelings, flirtations, or other connections that involved dishonesty towards your primary partner.

Couples agreement

Basically, it comes down to what you have agreed with your primary partner. If you haven’t made it perfectly open and clear yet, it might be time to discuss what’s the bottom line for both of you. There are no set rules to follow, so each couple makes up their own agreement, which both parties need to be happy with. If sex with other people is ok, you need to both agree to it, before entering into a secondary physical relationship.

Renegotiation is needed at regular intervals. It is absolutely normal that your preferences transform over time. If one partner feels that their bottom line has changed, they need to bring this up for renegotiation.

Who is at fault?

For an affair to be instigated there will be a cause in the primary relationship in most cases. I haven’t yet seen a perfect couple anyway but with couples who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair you can trackback to the disintegration of intimacy, connection, commitment, love, understanding, or a common dream within the last six to twelve months prior.

Even though the partner who took action on entering into an affair is responsible for it, both parties have contributed to the fact that it came to this point. It is therefore vital in working through this that both accept this fact and work towards a resolution.

What do you think? Do you agree? Please leave a comment!

Filed Under: gender/sexuality, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: married men, married women, relationship

They Cheat – How a Relationship Can Survive an Affair

March 26, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couples hands on table
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Affairs can be exciting adventures that can have detrimental effects on the primary relationship, as some readers might well know from previous experience. There is however hope for reconciliation if both partners do their share of the healing and forgiving.

In my practice, I encounter many couples that have been suffering as an effect of an extra-marital affair or another form of ‘breaks in trust’. I am continuously astounded at the resilience couples to have shown over the years. This is only partly due to the support I offer them and mainly to their own work and preparedness on dealing with the issue in a way that supports both partners.

Healing emotions

In regards to the past affair, sufficient time for healing is needed during which various emotions might surface for both partners. For the ‘cheater’ these might include guilt, sadness, anger at self or even grief over the discontinued affair. For the ‘cheated’ these might include anger, rage, blame, disbelief, sadness or despair. All these emotions need to have their place, which might not necessarily have to be within the relationship itself. Consider confiding in a good friend, family member (not your children) or a therapist. Working with and through these emotions can take considerable time and it is important to know that you need to let your partner deal with theirs in their own time. Allowing and dealing with these emotions will assist the healing process.

[Read more…] about They Cheat – How a Relationship Can Survive an Affair

Filed Under: love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: affair, affair, cheating, intimacy, relationship, relationship breakup

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