baby loss

table with coffee and letter — Photo by Freddy Castro on Unsplash

Writing a card for a baby who died? If yes, what shall I write?
I don’t want to upset the parents…

Today, this great and important question reached me by email.

I have a friend who has just given birth to twins very prematurely. One of them was unfortunately born dead and the surviving twin is understandably very ill. I want to send a card to them but also want to congratulate them on the birth of their surviving daughter at the same time acknowledging the death of the other. Any thoughts of a message I could use?

I can only answer from my personal experience and my preferences.
Obviously you should always take cultural, religious and societal differences into consideration when writing a card.
Think about the parents’ situation and not yours (in terms of religion, for example).

Acknowledge the babies and parents

First of all: always acknowledge the babies born, born alive and born still.

When I gave birth to my twin girls, I loved and appreciated those people who sent me cards congratulating me to twins.

“Congratulations to the birth of your [two] daughter, sons, children.”

“New parents are being born – congratulations to the birth of [names].”

A baby born still

As for the situation when one has been stillborn:

“I’m [so] sorry to hear that [name] was stillborn” or

“I’m sorry to hear that he/she died before he/she was born.”

I personally wouldn’t use ‘born dead’, even though it’s the reality, it sounds harsh.

A baby that is ill or unsure to survive

As for the situation where the surviving twin or a single baby is very ill (being premature or otherwise):

“I send you [courage, strength, love, hope… (chose one or two)] for the time ahead.”

Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Neonatal death, SIDS

A loss is a loss, no matter the age of the child.

If you feel close to someone and know they had a miscarriage, you could write a card. I would.

I have written cards to people for miscarriages and they have been very touched to be acknowledged in this way.

Remember that as a supporter you are supporting the parents by acknowledging them and their baby.
By talking about their baby you don’t ‘remind’ them of something they would otherwise have forgotten.

Don’ts

Refrain from using

Any sentences starting with “At least…”
Clichés like “Maybe it was for the best.”
Advice like “You need to…”
Comparison “I know how you feel, I lost…”
Thoughtless phrases like “At least you have your other children” or “You will have another baby.”
Silver linings like “At least he didn’t suffer.”
Advice on how to grieve
Beliefs and spiritual phrases like “It was God’s plan” or “She did what she came here to do”

Any of those statements may be said (and believed) by the parents’ themselves – it is their privilege.

grief quote — Image by Nathalie Himmelrich

The experience of grief is with no doubt one of the toughest life lessons you have to master. Having lost one of my twin daughters on her 3rd day, as well as my mother through suicide following her depression I speak from personal experience. Being able to accompany my daughter in her passing has been an experience that no words could do justice. The gifts unveiled have been and still are beautiful and painful alike.

The greatest teacher of all

The other day, someone asked: Who is your biggest teacher in life? Without thinking I would have to say, my two daughters. The experience of giving life and observing the transition between life and death have been the deepest experiences in my life so far. Processing grief is a road frequently travelled, yet I have not met many travellers enjoying the trip. Finding new, different and meaningful perspectives is my intent and reflecting on grief has been the inevitable journey of the past 3 years.

Grief Reflections

Reflecting on your journey of grief, looking at the challenges families face while grieving for their loved ones will allow you to gain awareness and insights above and beyond the pain. There is no way to stop or shortcut the grieving process, no way out. There are however ways to make the journey survivable.

Who’s dying?

Death brings up existential questions: Who am I? What’s the meaning of life, and death? Why are we here, what is our purpose? Why do loved ones have to die? Reports brought back from people with Near Death Experiences recall the beautiful aspects of the transition and those I have read mention that they would not have come back to their earthly lives, did they have the choice. This, to me, means there is nothing to fear in death. In fact, since holding my daughter while she took her last breath, I have lost the fear of death. Really, the people who stop living after a loved one has died, are the ones who are dying.

Why would we want to reflect on something painful?

Because that’s what painful experiences require. A blister on your foot asks you to stop walking, to attend to your wound and look after its healing. The same applies to emotional pain. It is a normal human reaction to want to stop the pain. Avoiding might temporarily stop the pain but not resolve it. Reflecting on pain will help you gain perspective and insight and work towards a resolution. Whatever way you choose, both take time. Remember that ‘doing the right thing’ does not necessarily instantly mean ‘no pain’. If the blister is there, not walking will stop you from creating more pain but what is already there, must first heal.