Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

children

Relationship Wisdom – Staying Together Because Of The Kids

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family in forest
Photo by John-Mark Smith on Unsplash

If you have children and are contemplating separation or divorce you will think twice about the likely consequences for them. Let’s have a look at some of the questions you need to ask yourself.

Depending on whom you ask, you will get their personal opinion of what they think is right or wrong. Let’s get this straight: there is no right or wrong in this situation. This is a very personal situation and if there was a clear-cut answer I am sure you would know it. Still, it wouldn’t make your case any easier.

Ask yourself:

  • What do I think about separation/divorce?
  • What are my past memories relating to this topic?
  • Is my concern about what others might think of me?
  • What would I think of me if I were to follow through and separate from my partner, leave the kids ‘behind’?

Children growing up with mum and dad versus single-parent families

Nowadays there are many different kinds of families out there: nuclear families, blended patchwork families, remarried, divorced and the single-parent families. Children will not necessarily grow up to become better equipped just because they have their biological mum and dad around. What is much more important is the quality of family life, the amount of presence of a parent and the quality of this time spent together that impacts the child.

Ask yourself:

  • What family structure do I regard as ‘the perfect one’?
  • What quality of family life am I / are we able to give the children?
  • How much quality time am I spending with my child?
  • If I were to ask my child, what would they miss or want me to do more often?

Role-modeling

As parents you are your child’s role model. They unconsciously take an imprint of what they see, hear and feel as they grow up and create their beliefs and value system according to this.

Ask yourself:

  • What do I strive for in regards to family and where does this model come from?
  • What does my child learn from me or us as parents? What do they see, hear and feel?
  • What beliefs and values about relationship and the role of women and men will they form and is that what I want?

Conclusion

Whether you stay together with your partner or not should not only be dependent on having children. Imagine the kind of relationship they get to witness if you do stay and the kind of relationships they might get to witness if you and your partner would be true to yourselves and find a more suitable relationship?

In the end children are resilient and will learn to deal with the new situation. Multiple families can allow a child to become more flexible as long as they feel supported and cared for. This is needed whether you separate or not.

Depression – Is My Child Depressed?

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sad child

This might come as a surprise to some of you but children can experience depression as well as adolescents and adults. For some children it is not ‘just a phase they are going through’ and these parents need to know what to look for.

History

It is interesting to note that there wasn’t even an official diagnosis for childhood depression until 1980, even though there was significant research into depression in children in the 1950s. A young pediatrician called Leon Cytryn was researching the frequency of sadness and withdrawal he observed in boys admitted to hospital for surgery. He discovered that almost half of them had symptoms, which would have been associated with adult depression.

Sadness versus depression

To clarify here it is important to note that sadness can be a healthy and normal response when the child is upset, for example when their grandfather has just died or their pet has run away. If this sadness however is observed as a continuous state in the child’s day-to-day experience then we need to look at the potential for childhood depression.

Seeing the signs

The following symptoms can be linked to depression:

  • continuous feeling of sadness
  • not experiencing pleasure in activities they liked previously
  • complaining often about stomach aches, headaches or fatigue
  • significant changes in weight or appetite
  • repeated thoughts or attempts at running away from home
  • extreme tearfulness, irritability, low tolerance for frustration
  • sadness and hopelessness (‘I’ll never feel happy’), low self-esteem (‘no one likes me’)
  • difficulties sleeping, waking in the middle of the night, not being able to fall asleep or sleeping during the day
  • decreased social contacts with friends
  • drop in school performance, behavioral problems at school, refusal or reluctance to go to school
  • excessive worrying that something bad might happen, worries about family members getting hurt
  • less energy, looking tired, everything become an effort
  • hostility or aggression which is unprovoked
  • suicidal thoughts, fantasies of death or dying which may be observed in drawings or other forms of self-expression

Is it or not?

In order to decide whether the symptoms are truly pointing in the direction of depression ask yourself: ‘To what extent is your child’s feelings of sadness and the behavior interfering with their everyday life and normal development?’ If the answer is significant, you might need to get it checked out with your general practitioner.

Remember that you know your own child best and will be aware of changes in their behaviour and emotion. You might also want to include other sources that know your child like their teacher or other members of your extended family. Trust your own instinct and if you feel something is wrong, get it checked out.