As bereaved parents, we make meaning with the words we assign to our experiences. This is, in most cases, an unconscious process. Many times it is based on how we used to process our emotions (and experiences in general) as a child, how our parents managed their emotions and how we saw the society around us deal with life.
Many of us have heard the following sentences, either spoken out loud or in our thoughts. Some we said ourselves, some we heard others say.
“He lost his battle with cancer.”
“My baby died too soon.”
“I am trying to escape the pain of grief.”
“My partner does not grieve properly.”
The more you think or say something, the more you believe it. This will and does affect you emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. The interesting side effect is that by thinking something over and over again, it becomes a belief. By courtesy of our Meta programs (mental processes which help guide and manage and direct other mental processes), we then foreground those situations that match our beliefs and put apparently irrelevant and opposing situations in the background, therefore getting (apparently) proof for our beliefs in daily life.
The tendency of human beings to favour information that confirms their beliefs is referred to as confirmation bias. This effect is stronger for emotionally charged issues and deeply entrenched beliefs. We habitually interpret ambiguous evidence as supporting our existing beliefs.
Listen to yourself
Once you start to listen to yourself and become sensitized to the verbal flow, you start to wonder whether what you hear is actually what you want to listen to. “This won’t get any better” and “I’ll never get through this” often go unnoticed as part of our post-loss mind chatter. Is it doing you any good to continuously have those negative, downward-spiralling thoughts?
Listen to others
When however we hear others speak to us in less than favorable terms, we notice it often more quickly and feel it stronger. Derogatory statements hurt. Comments delivered without grace, even though they are meant well, leave their painful scars. When others continuously speak to us in a way that leaves us feeling unsatisfied, we question or leave the relationship. We are quick to blame ill-delivered well-meant comments from others, but what about your self-talk?
Re-think your self-talk
The words and thoughts we as bereaved parents, as well as everyone else, use impact our healing. If you choose to actively partake in your healing, you want to start rethinking your habitual self-talk.
Presumptions in sentences we hear or use and how to question them
“He lost his battle with cancer.”
This sentence presumes that
a) dealing with cancer is a battle (sounds a bit like war) and
b) death equals losing the battle and
c) the situation was/is him against the cancer.
Re-thinking about the presumptions, ask yourself:
- What else could it be, rather than a battle?
- What other word would make you feel better, or less defeated?
- What if the situation was him and the condition side by side rather than against, what would that be like?
“My baby died too soon.”
This sentence presumes that
a) There is a right time to die
Re-thinking about the presumptions, ask yourself:
- What if there isn’t a right or wrong time to die?
“I am trying to escape the pain of grief.”
This sentence presumes that
a) grief captured me
b) it needs to be escaped
c) trying actually means not succeeding
d) grief equals (only, nothing else but) pain
Re-thinking about the presumptions, ask yourself:
- What if the emotions experienced were right and useful for the process?
- What else does grief mean?
- What other gifts does the grieving process bring?
“My partner does not grieve properly. He never talks about our baby.”
This sentence presumes that
a) There is a right way to grieve
b) The way my partner grieves is not the right/proper way
c) Not talking about the baby is wrong; he should talk about the baby
d) Talking about the baby equals grieving
Re-thinking about the presumptions, ask yourself:
- What if there isn’t a right or wrong way to grieve?
- Could it be that he grieves without talking about it?
- Is it possible he talks about the baby with someone else?
- What other ways are there for him to express his grief?
Let me be clear: All those questions only need to be asked if you want to change something and it feels better afterwards. If this is not the case, simply stay with the thought patterns that serve you.
Finding ways to create helpful and supportive meanings is part of my book GRIEVING PARENTS – Surviving Loss As A Couple.
