Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

communication

Nathalie with Melo Garcia on Compound Grief and Finding Someone Who Speaks Grief | Episode 3

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Melo Garcia on Compound Grief and Finding Someone Who Speaks Grief

‘When you decide that it is yours, you’ll understand that along with that grief comes an amazing life of living after loss because you have something that no one else can ever, ever have. And that is the love, that is the love – that’s the love that remains.’

Melo has experienced three multiple significant losses in a short time frame. In this interview, she explains how through grief it felt as if she lost her mind and found it again in her journey with grief and trauma.

About this week’s guest

Melo Garcia, a grief specialist, assists those who have lost what isn’t replaceable. She created After Chloe, an online community that provides support, resources, and assistance through the difficult grief journey, in honor of her daughter Chloe who passed away in 2011, and after losing both her parents.

Melo felt it necessary to help others deal with the grief and loss life presents from death, divorce, identity, age, fertility, and empty-nesting by creating various types of solutions that the grieving finds a life worth living.

In 2021 she started the podcast, The Resilience of Grieving, and hosts an annual online Summit during the holidays to provide resources to grievers.

Melo allows you to speak your grief in your way, a way that will assist you and inspire you to live and grieve. Find out more about Melo on After Chloe on Instagram.

Topics discussed in this episode

  • Compound grief: The death of Melo’s father, mother, and baby daughter Chloe in the time span of two years
  • How to deal with therapists who do not speak grief
  • How to understand trauma and how grief and trauma have changed her and shaped her life
  • Self-help through bibliotherapy

Resources mentioned in this episode

Links

–> For more information, please visit Nathalie’s website.

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Thanks for listening to HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA. If you’d like to be updated on future episodes, please subscribe to my newsletter on Nathalie Himmelrich.com

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HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA is produced and edited by me, Nathalie Himmelrich.

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 Remember to keep breathing, I promise, it will get easier.

This really hurt

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image from personal archive

With a pain in my stomach, I write to you today. This week I received an email from one of my subscribers that really hurt.

She wrote:

I wish ppl would stop trying to make money off us. If you’ve known this kind of tragedy (losing your only child) you know there are setbacks, depression, loss of job, spouse, etc. It’s so unnecessary. So I’m unsubscribing and marking spam.

It pains me to be misunderstood, my passion to be taken the wrong way.

I do know of setbacks: I have experienced the loss of a child, dealt with trauma from the aftermath of my mother’s suicide, sexual abuse, and burnout. And – most recently – divorce.

This is part of why I’m doing what I’m doing!

I want to be honest with you: This is my passion:

–> to support YOU who are dealing with grief and trauma.

It is my life’s work.

My heart is in my work

Still, I also earn my living from supporting people: working with clients, writing and selling books, giving courses. All of this requires my time and my creative work.

It requires investment in my personal as well as professional resources outside of myself. For example:

  • costs for book self-publishing: cost for a editor and interior designer,
  • costs for my therapeutic work: on-going professional training and memberships,
  • everyday business expenses such as: web hosting, book keeping and accounting, membership for the platform that sends you email newsletters.

…just to name a few.

I also do and have done a lot of unpaid work for the community and outreach work, donate my books regularly to grief support groups, give away free spots on my courses, etc. I feel in balance.

My work is not only born from personal life experience, it is grounded in solid professional training and years of professional experience.

Making money from people’s pain

If you believe, people like me ‘are making money off people in pain’, you’ve got it the wrong way around:

We are not making money off your pain, we are supporting your healing because we are passionate about healing and are earning our living while doing what is our passion.

Unsubscribe

The subscriber I quoted above did not unsubscribe. I deleted her email address because I do not need to pay to send her stuff she does not want.

Please, if you no longer benefit from the content I provide in my newsletters, unsubscribe through the link at the bottom of the email. No explanation is needed.

And: I’m surprised you’re reading this far.

Much Love ♥️

Relationship Wisdom – Being a Literal or Inferential Person

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Photo by Jimmy Dean on Unsplash

Sometimes it is just that knowing something additional, even if it is a seemingly little thing, can alter a relationship pattern that makes a big difference. The following article will hopefully provide you with one of those meaningful pieces of wisdom in terms of how different people perceive the world.

Literal and inferential

This is a differentiation that is not as well-known as the more common ones, for example introvert and extrovert or thinking and feeling types of people. A literal person will interpret a statement literally. This means that if they have a visitor saying ‘I’m thirsty’ this, to the literal person, is simply a statement about thirst. The inferential person will infer meaning into the statement and make an assumption about the meaning behind what is said. In the example above, they most probably will offer their visitor something to drink.

If you are an inferential person, you might think ‘but this is common sense’ and some things are. Even the literal person may have become habituated to understand and infer ‘common sense’ through education or training. It is however not their natural way of thinking.

My sister comes for dinner but does not help even though I’m on crutches!

This difference might even be differentiating you and your siblings and creating unnecessary stress. If you have ever been ill you will have noticed which of your family members or friends are inferring and which ones are literal. The inferring group will go around your house, help out and do whatever seems necessary. The literal person will come visit, probably because you asked them to, sit on your bed and talk to you. They might wait for you to offer them a cup of tea but if you cannot get out of bed you need to be literal with them and ask them to make their own cup of tea.

Recently, a client of mine mentioned her sister didn’t help out while she was visiting having dinner even though my client was obviously challenged being on crutches. Having read the above what is your guess on the two sisters? Indeed, the visiting sister most likely belongs to the literal group of people, whereas the sister who was ill, to whom it was common sense to help out, belongs to the inferential group.

How to use this knowledge

This difference is usually more of a problem to the inferring person because they expect the other to do or say something they repeatedly don’t do or say. Seldom, the literal person will start to wonder why the other person comes to certain conclusions that are not reality.

Suggestion for the inferential person:

As an inferential person you have to remember that your assumptions are just that: assumptions. They do not necessarily need to reflect reality, as much as they might seem like that to you.

As mentioned above, remember to ask the literal person specifically what you want them to do: Please wash the dishes. Could you please also dry them and put them away. If your partner comes out of the kitchen without having cleaned the bench, then aim to add this specific detail. Don’t assume he or she didn’t do it to get back at you, even though that’s what you might do.

Suggestions for the literal person:

If you are unsure what your partner might mean with a request, aim to clarify. This way you avoid misunderstanding and upset. Have a clear understanding of what your partner’s likes and dislikes are and make sure you remember that cleaning the dishes also means wiping the bench afterwards.

For both:

Repeat to yourself ‘my partner is a literal person, which means he/she does things I specifically and clearly ask’ or ‘my partner is an inferential person, he/she will, for example, infer that me not coming home at the usual time means something is wrong.’

If you are both trying to see the world from time to time through the other person’s perspective you not only widen yours, you also add satisfaction and understanding to your relationships.

Relationship Wisdom – Skillfully Disagreeing With Your Partner

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Let’s face it: disagreements are a natural component of every relationship. If you are one of those people saying: ‘I just don’t want to argue’ you have to get real. You can work on your style of how you handle disagreement or arguments but rarely (never) will you live in an intimate relationship without any of it.

Differences are the norm

You might have entered into your relationship looking for someone who is similar to you. Even though you might have a lot of overlap of values, beliefs and life views there are also the differences, which, if you were able to filter them out in the beginning they will become more obvious once the relationship has progressed past it’s initial honeymoon stage. Don’t fool yourself – they have been there all along, you just skillfully, with the help of your hormones, managed to avoid them.

How to deal with them?

There are naturally people who are more easy-going and accepting of differences. Some because they want to do everything possible to please their partner, others because they are not so tightly attached to their own opinions and find it easier to accept another point of view.

The closer however a value is to your core, the more you will be willing to defend it. Think about what is most important to you in life and now imagine someone close to you asking you to change this or saying that this is not right. This will stir up some kind of self-defense in most people.

So wherever you are on the scale, there will come a point where you might want to or have to disagree with your partner. Here are a couple of important points to remember:

1. It is ok to disagree

Disagreement does not mean that you don’t love the other person, it simply means that you have a different point of view.

2. Acceptance is required

If you are truly dedicated to your partner, you will need to practice accepting their differences, no matter how big or small they are. Depending on the topic, this might be most challenging and in some cases it might not be possible if the situation at hand is below your bottom line. That’s when you have to seriously rethink your relationship.

3. Communicate acceptance

One of the most skillful and helpful components of disagreeing with your partner is if you communicate what you understand and accept. This will make your partner feel heard and most probably less defensive.

4. Continue discussion

Disagreement, when not too heated with emotions, needs to be discussed. If you notice that you get too agitated, ask for a time out and discuss it at a later point in time. Masters of relationship show that they are able to continue talking about points of differences without needing to agree.

5. Find compromises

For some disagreements you can simply allow them to be, others might need compromises. Remember that a compromise is not always in the middle. For example if one partner wants a child and the other doesn’t you cannot find a middle path.

6. Better to be right or happy?

In some cases you need to think hard about the importance of your position. Is it worth defending yourself?

In the end, ask yourself whether the issue is worth more than your relationship harmony or whether you are able to let the problem go. Sometimes arguments do not have an origin in the relationship but in our history, our childhood or our own state of mind.

How Relationships Are Affected When Communication is Poor

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The quality of your communication is directly proportional to the quality of your relationship.

This sentence says it: when your communication is poor, so is your relationship. All of you who read this article will have experienced or are currently experiencing a relationship affected by poor communication. This article will look at how specifically it can affect the relationship.

Starting with the first affects it has on you personally I will then move to the later affects and also the implication is can have on family and the wider community.

Low satisfaction

First and foremost: communication is critical, if not the most critical building block of a relationship. If communication is poor, lacking or challenging, then the relationship suffers and does not satisfy human basic needs of connection. On a personal level, you might feel sad, disillusioned, upset, angry or frustrated.

Lack of support

Couples also notice a lack of emotional, physical and mental support when communication is disintegrating. Talking to each other is an important way to download the daily grind which supports the psychological and physical wellbeing of the individual.

Reduced intimacy

With the lack of stimulating communication and connection, we will also notice a reduced or lack of intimacy. Both partner, but especially women need to feel connected and understood which happens when communication is working well before they feel like being intimate. Your frequency of sexual intercourse will most likely be influenced by poor communication and will reduce further if the problem is not addressed.

Affected health

If communication is continuously poor or lacking there could also be implications on your state of health. Unhappiness, depression, lack of motivation are only some common example of people living in relationships that are defined by inadequate communication. When you think about elderly people living on their own with very little opportunity to communicate you will notice their general state of health will immediately be positively affected when they have interactions.

Arguments, separation and divorce

At the end of the scale and when arguments have continued over a long period of time, relationships will often end up in separation and divorce. If there are children involved it can lead to numerous additional problems like parenting disputes, child support challenges and academic or behavioural school problems for the children.

The 7 C’s of Communication

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Communication is the basis of every human interaction, whether it is verbal or non-verbal. Connection can only occur once communication in one form or another occurs. Human beings are made to connect and communicate. Imagine if for one day you were not able to communicate with any human being – how would that feel?

Connect

Once you connect through communication your personal input will determine the quality and the depth of connection you form. Connection happens on many levels, from a mental, emotional or physical to an energetic or even spiritual level. A connection can last between moments and a lifetime.

Create

Communication is here to create a connection with others. It allows you to get to know someone new, to make new acquaintances or friends and to create new sources of experiences in your life. Be mindful of what you create with your communication, especially as it consists of body language, which is 55% of the whole communication, tone of voice, 38%, and the words, which astonishingly transmit only 7% of the whole communication.

Converse

To converse from Latin means ‘to turn around’, to engage in conversation, the informal exchange of ideas by spoken words. Every conversation consists of a speaker and a listener. More often than not while communicating we focus on our turn speaking and forget to truly listen. Active listening is a skill that can be trained and if you truly want to have quality interactions you need to become an excellent listener.

Cooperate and Compromise

As important as the content of communication is the ability of the people involved to cooperate and compromise. As mentioned in the paragraph above allowing others to speak is the foundation of any conversation. If you find this challenging, learn and practice the art of active listening. The next step is to accept differences in opinions and perspectives, which does not necessarily mean to agree with them.

Clarify

Ask for clarification! Words are only labels and descriptors for things, experiences and meanings but they are not the things themselves. Remember to question your assumptions before continuing the conversation.

Come together

Every communication is a coming together of souls. Treat it as a sacred opportunity to learn something new, even if it is about someone or something you think you already know.

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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