Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

conflict

Drama Triangle And How To Avoid It

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figure stretching arms out escaping chain with lock
Let me out of here!

Getting hooked into a drama happens quickly, especially in close relationships. The following article will help you understand the different roles played and how to step out of the cycle altogether.

What Drama?

Stephen Karpman has first described the drama triangle in an article in 1968.  The model shows the three positions people often taken in an interaction: the victim, the persecutor and the rescuer.[Tweet “Get out of drama…”]

The situation usually starts with a person taking the role of a victim or a persecutor. Once the bait is out, other people are lured into playing the game and take on other roles. The game then continues by the two (or three) players switching roles: the victim turns into the rescuer, the rescuer switches to persecutor or the rescuer becomes a victim exclaiming: I just wanted to help! [Read more…] about Drama Triangle And How To Avoid It

6 Steps To Take When In Relationship Conflict – Relationship Wisdom

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man and women on bed kissing
win-win in conflict

Conflict in relationship is often the pivotal point that leads to unhappiness and dissatisfaction of the relationship. Let’s have a look at conflict from a different point of view to turn it into opportunity to grow and learn instead of an “I win – you loose” scenario.

Relationship purpose

The ultimate purpose of every relationship, whether it is an intimate one or not, is to enable both of you to grow personally and interpersonally. Whenever we enter into a relationship there is this meeting place of two human beings finding out something new about themselves and each other. It really is the evolution of your own consciousness as well as the consciousness of interaction at large.

Avoiding conflict

Conflict is often seen as the opposite of intimacy. The reality of “me-against-you conflict” is that it reduces the feeling of safety, ability and willingness to be vulnerable. Avoiding conflict therefore is what seems like the most logical solution.[Tweet “What if conflict was not the opposite of intimacy? “] [Read more…] about 6 Steps To Take When In Relationship Conflict – Relationship Wisdom

Co-creators in our Life – Teachings of Abraham

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Esther and Jerry Hicks never cease to amaze me through their teachings. If you haven’t heard of them yet, please visit their website.

Today I’ve watched this video, which basically is a recording of their teaching under-laid with pictures (so you can continue working on your computer while listening to the ‘video’ – you won’t miss much in the pictures in this particular one).

The topic is ‘the people who bug you most in your life are the best co-creators‘.

Life never stops giving me those people who bug me and I guess I’m not the only one with that happening, am I? So what do we habitually do? We (our ego) usually goes about justifying and analyzing why we are ‘right’ and the other person is ‘wrong’ in an attempt to sooth the uncomfortable feeling this leaves. The feeling metaphorically is like the gap between what we see in those people that we disagree with, dislike or bug us and the nicer version we create in your mind, the way it should be, according to us.

Inspired and reminded by Buddhist practices I recently read in Pema Chodron’s book ‘Places that scare you’ I started a different approach and sat with the discomfort, letting go of the mind games. Guess what? It’s NOT easy… but worthwhile. Find out for yourself.

Watch this video now. I’m interested to hear your opinion on if and how this (the content of the video) might be helpful as an alternative to ‘sitting with the discomfort’.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmOD_YNJDKg]

Stages Of A Relationship

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1. COURTSHIP

‘Falling in Love’, a very passionate, very romantic, idealised relationship. The challenge at this stage is for each person to allow themselves to become vulnerable, to take the risk that by opening themselves to the other person they may hurt. Usually the partners are blind to any problems and there is no other reality.

2. HONEYMOON

The relationship is happy and stable at this time. The emphasis is on the couple’s ‘sameness’. They do everything together. The challenges are being able to separate enough from their family and developing the expression of their positive emotions, love and sexuality.

3. DIFFERENTIATION

Some differences start to emerge. The couple do less together and more as individuals. Each is able to see aspects of their partner that they may not have seen before. They no longer are perfect. It is a challenge for many people to be able to tolerate the decrease in the intensity of the relationship and an increase in the emotional distance will be perceived as evidence of the partner being selfish, stubborn, uncaring or withdrawn.

4. CONFLICT

It is common during this stage to feel quite disillusioned with your partner and to tend to blame them for any difficulties. ‘If only they would change, everything would be alright.’ There are many challenges to face during this stage, developing the necessary skills:

  • Express negative emotions to their partner; hurt, anger, fear
  • Communicate openly and honestly
  • Raise issues as necessary
  • Resolve conflicts constructively
  • Open themselves to self examination and to increase their self awareness
  • Take responsibility for their own part in the interactions of the relationship

The risks for this stage are that many couples lose faith in each other, lose their sense of hope for the future, deciding that they have ‘fallen out of love’ and decide to separate.

5. MUTUAL INTERDEPENDENCE

This stage is characterised by the following aspects:

  • Both are able to act independently, feel capable and competent in their own right
  • Both are able to provide support for their partner when needed
  • Both partners feel that their needs are being met both physically and emotionally
  • Both partners are staying in the relationship by choice – not because of expectations of others such as family or religious beliefs or to avoid the fears of leaving.
  • Both are able to take individual responsibility

The couple should now have increased respect for both themselves and their partner, increased trust in the strength of the relationship and increased hope for the future. The challenge now is for the couple to be flexible and adaptable enough to adjust to all of life’s changes over time. They should be able to tolerate closeness without fearing suffocation.

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