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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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conflict

Drama Triangle And How To Avoid It

April 16, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Drama and winners triangle
Image by Nathalie Himmelrich

Getting hooked into a drama happens quickly, especially in close relationships. The following article will help you understand the different roles played and how to step out of the cycle altogether.

What Drama?

Stephen Karpman has first described the drama triangle in an article in 1968.  The model shows the three positions people have often taken in interactions: the victim, the persecutor and the rescuer.

The situation usually starts with a person taking the role of a victim or a persecutor. Once the bait is out, other people are lured into playing the game and take on other roles. The game then continues by the two (or three) players switching roles: the victim turns into the rescuer, the rescuer switches to persecutor or the rescuer becomes a victim exclaiming: I just wanted to help!

See what you made me do?

Recently a client described an interaction between her father and herself.

He found her folding boxes and said: “You can take my cardboard to the recycling as you’re just doing yours.”
She responded in an assertive way by saying: “If it all fits into the car, that will be fine.”
He added: “But otherwise I have to take it all the way to…”

She said: “The recycling place is open tomorrow morning, you can take it on your way.”
He, in an annoyed, angry tone of voice: “Oh well, just forget it. If you don’t want to help me then I’ll just take it all the way to…”

As the example shows, the father switches between the victim (poor me) and the persecutor (passive-aggressive tone of voice). The daughter answered assertively, which is the way out of the drama cycle. At a later stage, however, she became really annoyed at him and his reaction and noticed that he was able to pull her into his game. It didn’t verbally come out but she felt the effect while discussing it in our session.

Let me out of here!

Get over to the Winner’s Triangle! The same triangle has three winner’s positions: The vulnerable one also seen as a creator, aware of their own needs and being able to state them; the challenger, who assertively makes their point without becoming dominating or aggressive; and the coach or nurturer, someone who sees the individual as capable of making their choices or solving their own problems.

Awareness and a conscious shift to the positions mentioned will interrupt the drama cycle and allow you to make informed choices and focus on outcomes instead of problems. This dynamic is much more empowering and will leave you feeling satisfied.

Filed Under: coaching, communication, counselling, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: conflict, drama triangle, karpman, persecutor, rescuer, victim

Relationship Wisdom – 6 Steps To Take When In Relationship Conflict

February 19, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple reflecting in a puddle
Photo by The HK Photo Company on Unsplash

Conflict in a relationship is often the pivotal point that leads to unhappiness and dissatisfaction of the relationship. Let’s have a look at conflict from a different point of view to turn it into an opportunity to grow and learn instead of an ‘I win – you loose’ scenario.

Relationship purpose

The ultimate purpose of every relationship, whether it is an intimate one or not, is to enable both of you to grow personally and interpersonally. Whenever we enter into a relationship there is this meeting place of two human beings finding out something new about themselves and each other. It really is the evolution of your own consciousness as well as the consciousness of interaction at large.

Avoiding conflict

Conflict is often seen as the opposite of intimacy. The reality of “me-against-you conflict” is that it reduces the feeling of safety, ability and willingness to be vulnerable. Avoiding conflict therefore is what seems like the most logical solution.

Conflict can also be seen as the opportunity to know more about yourself and the other person; to know about your likes and dislikes, what you are made of, your boundaries, your needs and wants and the same things in the other person.

Misunderstanding

When we start to see conflict in a different way, we can stay connected while having a different opinion to your partner.  Rather than imagining a fight, conflict or argument as a “me-against-you” scenario, we can visualize it being a fight against a common misunderstanding.

Every conflict is really engaging in a misunderstanding, which the two people in it don’t yet realize or understand. It is not about the money spent or the mother-in-law. It basically boils down to not having your needs and wants met around “being loved”:

  • Not loved (enough)
  • Not respected (enough)
  • Not seen (enough)
  • Not feeling important (enough)

Conflict as part of a real loving relationship is only a temporary misunderstanding, which, if analyzed, will allow you to understand yourself and your partner better.

Emotionality in conflict

Your anger (or other emotional expression) during the conflict is always a cover for hurt. Behind that hurt there is an important and sacred need or value that has been trespassed. If, instead of attacking or defending, you start investigating and inquiring into what is really behind, you will learn from conflict, rather than being tired out by it.

Start being curious

This might mean putting your own hurt aside and asking your partner: “I can see you’re really angry and hurt, there must be something really important here for you that I do not yet fully understand, what was that?” This curiosity, spoken with true empathy rather than sarcasm, will bring you back into an intimate and vulnerable space from which you can then learn to turn this conflict around.

You need to be in love, to alchemize conflict, because in conflict your darkest parts come out.

What do to when in conflict?

  1. Take a couple of deep breaths and ground yourself
  2. Take a time-out if needed, with an agreed time and place to return and finish the conversation
  3. Reach out and touch your partner, touch helps to feel safe and continuously loving even though we have different opinions
  4. Asking yourself: What is it that I need right now that I’m not getting. Give it yourself = re-parent yourself
  5. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict
  6. Show leadership in offering steps to resolve the conflict

Filed Under: coaching, counselling, gender/sexuality, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: conflict, conflict resolution, relationship conflict

Stages Of A Relationship

October 30, 2007 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Photo by Nadine Rupprecht on Unsplash

1. COURTSHIP

‘Falling in Love’, a very passionate, very romantic, idealised relationship. The challenge at this stage is for each person to allow themselves to become vulnerable, to take the risk that by opening themselves to the other person they may hurt. Usually the partners are blind to any problems and there is no other reality.

2. HONEYMOON

The relationship is happy and stable at this time. The emphasis is on the couple’s ‘sameness’. They do everything together. The challenges are being able to separate enough from their family and developing the expression of their positive emotions, love and sexuality.

3. DIFFERENTIATION

Some differences start to emerge. The couple do less together and more as individuals. Each is able to see aspects of their partner that they may not have seen before. They no longer are perfect. It is a challenge for many people to be able to tolerate the decrease in the intensity of the relationship and an increase in the emotional distance will be perceived as evidence of the partner being selfish, stubborn, uncaring or withdrawn.

4. CONFLICT

It is common during this stage to feel quite disillusioned with your partner and to tend to blame them for any difficulties. ‘If only they would change, everything would be alright.’ There are many challenges to face during this stage, developing the necessary skills:

  • Express negative emotions to their partner; hurt, anger, fear
  • Communicate openly and honestly
  • Raise issues as necessary
  • Resolve conflicts constructively
  • Open themselves to self examination and to increase their self awareness
  • Take responsibility for their own part in the interactions of the relationship

The risks for this stage are that many couples lose faith in each other, lose their sense of hope for the future, deciding that they have ‘fallen out of love’ and decide to separate.

5. MUTUAL INTERDEPENDENCE

This stage is characterised by the following aspects:

  • Both are able to act independently, feel capable and competent in their own right
  • Both are able to provide support for their partner when needed
  • Both partners feel that their needs are being met both physically and emotionally
  • Both partners are staying in the relationship by choice – not because of expectations of others such as family or religious beliefs or to avoid the fears of leaving.
  • Both are able to take individual responsibility

The couple should now have increased respect for both themselves and their partner, increased trust in the strength of the relationship and increased hope for the future. The challenge now is for the couple to be flexible and adaptable enough to adjust to all of life’s changes over time. They should be able to tolerate closeness without fearing suffocation.

Filed Under: love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: conflict, courtship, dependence, honeymoon, interdependence, relationship, relationship stages

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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