Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

counselling

The Difference Between Counselling And Friendship

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‘Luckily I’ve got a friend that I can talk to, I don’t need Counselling!’ I have thought this myself at times and it might be true for certain situations. There are however clearly challenges where you cannot expect your friend to take the place of a therapist or you will jeopardise your friendship.

I can talk to my friend

We all hopefully do have a special someone, either a friend, family member or your partner, that you can talk to no matter what. These are the true gems in our circles, those who have the gift of active listening mastered without necessarily being a therapist. Some of them might just listen, some might give you support, some might even give you suggestions on what to do. Depending on what it is you need, you will feel very comfortable and feel supported by this person.

So why would I need to see a therapist?

Friendship is based on an interchange that is somewhat balanced. You will rarely feel comfortable for long with a friend who talks non-stop or who gives you advice when you’re not ready to hear it. You might even feel quite the opposite of friendship if that person curses the boyfriend who just left you but you still dearly love.

A therapist is someone you pay to fully attend to you, to actively listen with compassion to your troubles. Usually, he or she doesn’t share his or her opinions about your recent boyfriend or give you advice but help and support for you to find out what you need and want to do next.

But my friend understands me

How fantastic – keep talking to them and sharing the beautiful journey of your friendship. Seeing a therapist doesn’t mean that you suddenly have to stop this mutual understanding with your friend. A therapist is always something additional, a support person outside your system, someone who doesn’t know the boyfriend or the boss, or whoever you have a challenge with. This means that the therapist and your session will be on neutral ground and therefore allows exploration as opposed to finding who is right or wrong or applying judgement.

You’re still talking about that?

In general, people often need to talk about a serious challenge for a longer time than their friends are capable of hearing. Imagine meeting your friend for coffee and for years they complain and moan about the same thing.

Giving your issue the time and space it needs with a person dedicated to assisting you in moving beyond is the biggest difference in the relationship with a friend or with a therapist. Your friend might like you to move on, but is rarely equipped to help you and neither is it the purpose of the relationship.

A skilled therapist will feel like a friend and you will know whether he or she is a good fit for you once you have given it a chance. Have a phone or email conversation with them, get a feel for how they speak to you, what experience they have, how well they listen to you and address your questions. In the end, only you will know, when and whom you want to trust with helping you overcome your problems.

Knowing When to Get Help

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As a counsellor, coach or another therapist we are not exempt from needing help, just like any of our clients. We all do face life issues that we cannot easily deal with ourselves and need an outside expert to support us. Even though we work in the field of supporting people it does not mean we can easily fix all our own problems.

Like any doctor who at times needs to see a colleague, so do counsellors. But when is it the right time? This is the exact same question that you will be asking yourself, before calling and making an appointment with a counsellor. Let me share you my experience in making the decision to make the call.

With the recent challenges I experienced with the passing of one of my twins two days after she was born I was facing the hardest times I ever had to go through in my life. The grief on one side and the joy of new motherhood on the other side, including the sleep deprivation and learning how to be a parent put me under big strain, emotionally, mentally and physically. Even though I was coping most of the times, there were times when I was not. In the good times I would think ‘it is fine, I’m able to do this on my own’ but in the tough times I really wasn’t all that fine – understandable under the circumstances.

There came the time that the tough times were too frequent and unsustainable over time. My life normally was built on the base of good times with sprinkles of challenges and annoyances. The life that I was living now however was the opposite; it was as if tough times were the undercurrent of my life.

If you were to compare your ‘normal life’ with how you are now, how different is it? Can you really live with how it is now? Is it just an exception or is it a trend? Answering these questions made me seek help.

I do not expect the person I am seeing to solve my problems or fix my issues. Some of the things that I am dealing with cannot be solved ever. That is not the point of seeing someone. She helps me deal with the challenges I am facing, she supports me in gaining a different perspective and think about upcoming potential pitfalls before I fall in again. And the most important benefit I get from the sessions is that she normalizes my situation, my emotions, and my reactions. She makes me feel normal, where I am an expert in being hard on myself. She does not make my life easy but she definitely helps to ease and softens my tough side or challenges my judgmental side.

All in all, I would say that if you are asking yourself the question of whether it is time to ask for help, do it. If you were in victim mentality, you probably would not ask the question anyway…

What I have learnt from my clients…

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As many of you working with couples and individuals in relationships is my passion. Many of my clients come because they experience challenges and some are going through separation or divorce.
Through my work, I also learn a lot FROM my clients, which in the end supports other clients. Thank you.

Here are some of the things I’ve learned…

1. Things don’t always turn out the way we expect

While I was overseas, one particular couple who seemed to be heading in the direction of separation and divorce decided to give it another try. They had already convinced me, that they were better off alone…

2. Commitment can heal many hurts

Affairs, betrayal, or secrets can leave a couple reeling and dealing with challenges. Couples have shown me that if there is commitment, dedication, acceptance, and a willingness to grow and learn together many challenges can be met and dealt with.

3. It is not over ‘til the fat lady sings

I have worked with couples who went through separation only to come back together after experiencing each other from a distance and realizing what actually connected them in the first place. I’m still smiling about one couple where she decided she couldn’t live with one of his habits (smoking) and after working through the whole issue they’ve now got married and committed to each other in an even deeper way.

4. Relationship is self-knowledge

Over and over I hear that my clients learn more about themselves through relationships. What really annoys them about their partner is what triggers core issues in themselves. Looking from a distance it is those gifts that help us heal unresolved past hurts.

5. I just want to know!

Personally, I can so understand when clients say: I just want to know! I have come to observe over and over that as a generalization men tend to not want to hurt their partner and retract to not telling them (for example that they want to leave) whereas women just want to know and move on.

6. I’m right, you are wrong

The biggest learning will be that in any relationship there are usually two quite different viewpoints that each believes to be ‘right’. Only through acceptance of different perspectives and the ability to change perspective can we come to realize that this paradox of opposing opinions means that it is not ‘either/or’ but ‘and’.

So to all my clients who are also my teachers, Thank you!

The Difference Between Counselling and Coaching

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Many people ask me this question – so I’ve written an article/blog post about it. Please feel free to leave your comments!

Nowadays most people take the advantage of supporting themselves with the help of a counsellor, coach or therapist through the challenges life throws at them at some stage. For people new to the field of self-development the question ‘What is the difference between a counsellor and coach?’ comes up often. Let’s find some distinctions that might be helpful to you.

What is Counselling

Counselling is the modality to heal yourself, find closure for things that happened in your past, come to see things from a healthier perspective, learn to let go of grudges and resentment and build up ego strength. Counselling often works as a ‘talking therapy’ as research has found that expressing emotions helps to digest them. A counsellor acts as a professional friend with whom you can confide your innermost thoughts. They will listen attentively and hold no judgment over your opinions or ideas. Most counsellors will refrain from giving you advice but help you find your own way, clarify the issues, bring understanding and wider perspective and support you in making your own wise decisions. Counselling mostly focuses on clearing past issues.

What is Coaching

Coaching is the modality to go forward, to plan for the future you want to create, bring an action to goal setting and eliminate any obstacles that might be in the way to reaching your goals. Coaching involves a full commitment to making the changes that will bring you closer to your desired outcome. A coach will also listen attentively and ask you powerful questions. Coaching is for people that have enough ego strength to take action. Coaching is mostly focused on creating a desired future outcome and is only involving past issues if they are important for the future outcome.

What style of sessions do I need?

Ask yourself the following questions to find out whether you want to look for a counsellor or for a coach:

Are you…

1…. dealing with issues at work, including relationship issues with your boss and co-worker?

2…. wanting to change jobs and don’t know what to do next?

3…. looking for a new partner?

4…. searching for your passion in life and how to incorporate it into your life?

5…. unsure how to be a better communicator in work and private relationships?

6…. looking for the next step in your career and how to get there?

7…. planning to start working again after having been a ‘stay-at-home’ mum?

If you have answered yes to one or many of questions 1 – 7, you are most likely looking for a coach.

Are you…

8…. getting over a separation or marriage break-down?

9…. still very angry or frustrated with your parents and want to get over those feeling to create better relationships with them?

10…. dealing with fear and anxiety that you think might stem from past trauma?

11…. working through grief due to the loss of someone close, like your parent, partner or child?

12…. dealing with reoccurring relationship difficulties in your life?

13…. having a hard time with your teenage daughter or son?

14…. not sure whether you want to stay in a relationship or leave?

If you have answered yes to one or many of the questions 8 – 14 you are most likely looking for a counsellor.

Remember that whether you are seeing a counsellor or coach you need at least 2-3 sessions to get a sense of how they are working and to find out whether you feel comfortable with them and their approach.

Working Through Childhood Issues

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Have you ever realised that you have different attitudes in bringing up your children than your partner? I bet you have, otherwise you might be partly in denial or not be too involved in the education of them. The reason why the attitudes differ might be connected to the differences in your unresolved childhood issues.

Through my experience in therapy, it has become very obvious that many of our attempts to ‘do the best for our children’, be it by teaching our children, supporting them in finding their own way, showing them the right way to act, being mindful of our fellow human beings etc are a way to resolve some of the unresolved issues of our own childhood. This obviously does not just apply to child-rearing; we could in fact look at many other areas in life and find the same pattern operating.

Let’s have a look at an example: John is taking care of his 14-year-old step-son Mark while his wife Julie (the mother) is at work. Mark asks to go to a friend’s place to which John agrees under the circumstance of Mark returning at 5.30 pm. When Mark has not returned home by 6.30 pm John is worried and mentions to Julie that they should pick him up. Julie does not see the problem in Mark being out at this time and does not understand John’s worry. They start to argue the point to which in the end Julie storms out the door and goes to pick up Mark.

[Read more…] about Working Through Childhood Issues
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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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