developing in relationship

circles — Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Many of my clients in relationship counseling either wonder how to find the right partner or whether the one they have is the right one. Where are you at: in your search or in your questioning of whom you are with?

The Right Partner

Imagine two circles. They symbolize two people, two individual people. That is the situation before you meet: You are each a unique person with likes and dislikes, interests etc.

Once you meet someone imagine that the two circles start to overlap. You will find common elements that you can relate to in the other person. This overlap is what symbolizes your commonalities.

The fact is that you will never be equal to anyone else. Some people need more overlap with another person to feel comfortable with them, and others need less.

The question whether you found the right person for you is whether you are comfortable with the overlap and the parts where you don’t overlap. This will always be an answer for this point in time.

The factor of time and development

Over time you will change, the things you are able to perceive, how you perceive them change and so does the content of your circle. The same applies to your partner. At some point in time you might no longer be willing to share time and space with your partner because of this change or because you have changed your perspective of what still might be the same content. What might have seemed ‘right’ at one moment might not be later.

Sustaining relationship

Knowing the key is your decision to sustain a relationship. Sometimes the parts that don’t overlap might be such a deal-breaker or the parts that overlap are simply no longer sufficient that it leads to a break-up. At other times it means that the time has come to put effort, time and energy back into your relationship. Sustaining love is not something that just happens to you, like falling in love (you might think). Things in a mature relationship rarely happen spontaneously. Like you don’t just find yourself randomly at the gym at 6am, you plan for it and make it a routine.

Relationship success and longevity is not a mystery, which works for some and not for others. It starts with your decision to do so, to make the person you found the person you love, learning to inject daily love and attention into your relationship and work on areas that need improvement.

The right person will be the right person as long as you decide so and are willing to give it your focused time and energy.

couple — Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

Intimacy is part of every close relationship; this can be between lovers, husband and wife, friends, sisters and/or brothers or other parts of the family. Intimacy itself means a ‘close familiarity, closeness or togetherness’ in general and ‘intercourse, lovemaking’ in sexual relations. In the following article, we will look at ways to develop intimacy specifically between a couple in a relationship; however, they might also apply to other relationships mentioned.

1. Make room

In order to be able to allow intimacy, we need to be in the right environment. This depends on the kind of intimacy we are looking for and on the personality of the people involved. Mostly we need some private space where we can be undisturbed.

2. Reserve some time

Intimacy is also related to time in the sense that it develops with time. As with creating the space, we need to allow time for it to flourish.

3. Be present

Let your thoughts of the day drift away and be present in this moment and space. Specifically, draw your full attention to your partner.

4. Focus your attention

In tantric exercises, couples are asked to look into each other’s eyes and start to breathe together. This encourages presence and attention to be focused on each other which allows intimacy.

5. Speak from the heart

Complete the following sentences: ‘What I appreciate about you is…’ and ‘What I love about you is…’ while you look into your partner’s eyes.

6. Listen – inside and outside

Often people have unconscious fears about intimacy and being seen. Listen to what is happening inside of you (your internal thoughts) and to what your partner is saying.

7. Allow vulnerability

Intimacy also brings up vulnerabilities about who we are at the core. This is where you can develop yourself and your intimacy by allowing any related feelings and truly stay open.

8. Practice acceptance and welcoming

Just as you are opening up your ‘innermost’ self to your partner so will they. Developing more intimacy goes hand in hand with the feeling of acceptance and welcoming that we receive from our partner.

9. Share your fears

Opening up about your fears and failures can develop intimacy if it is mutual.

10. Make it a habit

Continue and repeat steps 1 to 9 and make it a habit. Intimacy does not just happen by accident; it is a result of two people being committed to making their relationship deep and meaningful.

Intimacy has also been transformed into ‘in-to-me-I-see’. To me, this means that in an intimate relationship what we ultimately become aware of and develop is what we see in ourselves.

Relationship Wisdom – The Right Partner

10 Ways to Develop Intimacy in Your Relationship

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Nathalie Himmelrich