• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

  • Books
    • NEW BOOK! Bridging The Grief Gap
    • Shop
      • My Account
    • Amazon shop
  • About Me
    • Media Links
    • Work with Me
      • Counselling and Coaching
  • Resources
    • Courses
      • May We All Heal 2022 – A New Beginning
    • Donate
    • Grievers Support
    • Supporters Resources
    • Grieving Parents Support Network
    • Grief Quotes (Downloads)
    • Free Downloads
  • Blog
  • Podcast
    • Listen Here
    • Show Notes
  • English

differences in grieving

Nathalie with Lisa Boehm on the Loss of Her Teenage Daughter | Episode 16

October 24, 2022 By Nathalie Himmelrich 6 Comments

Lisa Boehm
Lisa Boehm

Lisa Boehm heard a knock at the door just as she had gone to bed, and it was the police coming to let her know that her teenage daughter had died in a head-on collision.
Lisa tells us how she picked up the pieces of her shattered life and how she found ways to thrive and not just survive. From getting support from other moms in her community she now offers support to grieving moms.  

Lisa says:

I think I learned a lot from other grieving moms who were further down the path. Sometimes it was just little snippets that they would say or different things… They gave me hope and I think learning that everybody copes with grief differently, that little nugget right there was enough to carry us through.

Lisa Boehm

About this week’s guest

Lisa K. Boehm’s life changed forever when her daughter died suddenly in a car accident. She quickly discovered that our society struggles with death, loss, and grieving and has made it her mission to change that. In her book Journey to HEALING: A Mother’s Guide to Navigating Child Loss, she shares her experience with grief and how it intensified her love for her daughter. Now she focuses on gratitude and living intentionally as a way to honour her daughter’s memory. Lisa is an author, speaker, and certified grief educator who helps bereaved moms move beyond the pain to find peace and purpose.

Website: www.griefsupportformoms.com

IG @griefsupportformoms

Topics discussed in this episode

  • The loss of her teenage daughter Katie
  • Suicidal thoughts and anger
  • Surrounding herself with other women in the community
  • Journaling as a resource to deal with grief
  • Differences in grieving styles among family members
  • Teenager’s grief/sibling’s grief

Resources mentioned in this episode

  • Instrumental and intuitive grieving styles described in the book Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple
  • Grief groups by the Compassionate Friends

Links

–> For more information, please visit Nathalie’s website.

–> Subscribe to the newsletter to receive updates on future episodes here.

–> Join the podcast’s Instagram page.

Thanks for listening to HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA. If you’d like to be updated on future episodes, please subscribe to my newsletter on Nathalie Himmelrich.com

If you need grief support, please contact me for a FREE 30 min discovery session.

HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA is produced and edited by me, Nathalie Himmelrich.

Support this Podcast

To support this podcast, please rate, review, subscribe to, or follow the podcast on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you.

Remember to keep breathing, I promise, it will get easier.

Filed Under: podcast, child loss, from personal experience, grief support, grief/loss, parenting, trauma Tagged With: child loss, death through head on collision, differences in grieving, grieving a child, grieving styles, peer support, supporting grieving moms, supporting moms, teenage loss, teenager grief, traffic accident

Why Men and Women Have Different Ways of Grieving – Intuitive and Instrumental Grieving

March 12, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

grieving woman
Photo by omid bonyadian on Unsplash

Kenneth Doka, who wrote the book Grieving Beyond Gender, developed the idea of two patterns of grieving: the intuitive pattern and the instrumental pattern. Intuitive grievers express grief in an effective way, which means they adapt to it by showing emotions. Instrumental grievers experience grief physically, such as in restlessness or by thinking about it on a cognitive level. They adapt to it by thinking it through or wanting to do something actively.

More about understanding different ways of grieving can be found in Nathalie’s book Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple.

Let’s look at the two patterns:

Intuitive Grievers:

  • Experience waves of emotions
  • Express grief mirroring the inner experience: cry, scream and shout
  • Say: “I just feel sad all the time” or “I have this overwhelming sense of sadness.”
  • Are often disenfranchised later in the process: “What is wrong with this person? He or she is STILL crying?”
  • Helpful for them: therapy, support groups, talking to a trusted friend, journaling or internal process to explore those emotions

Instrumental Grievers:

  • Experience in a physical or cognitive way: by continuously thinking about the deceased, running over the things that happened, feeling like they have been punched or kicked in the stomach
  • Express grief not consciously but may talk about the deceased a lot or actively set up a charity
  • Say: “I just can’t concentrate, I can’t focus since he died” or “I cannot stop thinking about her.”
  • Are often disenfranchised early in the process: “What is wrong with this person? Why isn’t he crying? Why are they not just getting over it?”
  • Emotional expression is muted
  • Helpful for them: the “doing”

These two patterns should not be seen as either/or options but rather as the two ends of a continuum with various blended options in between.

Generally speaking, women often process grief in an intuitive style where men more often are instrumental grievers. This can and often does lead to misunderstanding in the relationship. It is however important to note that neither of those patterns is better than the other, it is just one of the ways to experience and express grief.

Blended patterns are a mixture of both intuitive and instrumental reactions and responses to mourning. According to Doka and Martin’s book “Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Mourn” there are also those individuals who show inconsistencies between the ways that grief is experienced and expressed, which is called dissonant.

When dealing with grief as a couple it is important to accept and understand each other’s different strategies and allow room for the individual’s personal experience.

Filed Under: grief/loss Tagged With: differences in grieving, grieving man, grieving woman, instrumental grieving, intuitive grieving

Primary Sidebar

Cart

Subscribe for updates
    Built with ConvertKit
    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

    Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Affiliate Disclosure

    Copyright © 2012 - 2022 Nathalie Himmelrich | All Rights Reserved

    We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. By clicking “Accept”, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. However you may visit Cookie Settings to provide a controlled consent.
    Cookie settingsACCEPT
    Manage consent

    Privacy Overview

    This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
    Necessary
    Always Enabled
    Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
    CookieDurationDescription
    cookielawinfo-checkbox-analytics11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
    cookielawinfo-checkbox-functional11 monthsThe cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
    cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
    cookielawinfo-checkbox-others11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
    cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
    viewed_cookie_policy11 monthsThe cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
    Functional
    Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
    Performance
    Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
    Analytics
    Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
    Advertisement
    Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
    Others
    Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet.
    Save & Accept