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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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family relationships

Relationship Wisdom – Old Family Patterns

September 25, 2013 By Nathalie Himmelrich 2 Comments

dishes
Photo by Tracey Hocking on Unsplash

My husband, my daughter and I are currently sharing living space with my father and sometimes his new partner. Today after breakfast my father said to his partner: “I will do it!”, pointing at the dishes on the table, as she was rushing to get ready. As he carried out the plates into the kitchen, he asked me: “Can I just put the dishes here, or do you want me to wash them?”

My father is perfectly capable of doing the dishes and we even have a dishwasher. What was showing up was a little example of old family patterns playing out. Let me point them out to you:

1. I need help

Often in families, there is one pattern where a person is pretending to be incapable of doing something to enrol others in doing it for them. He wanted me to do it for him by asking nicely, stressing on ‘do you want me to wash them?’ My answer was: “You can also put them in the dishwasher.”

His next sentence was “I hate dishwashers!” What he was actually saying was ‘I don’t like that you didn’t play my game!’

2. I deserve respect

It is a common requirement in families that people respect one another but often children are required to respect their parents even more than the other way around. In our family this was and still is a royal rule, that shouldn’t be questioned. With my father’s original question he expected me to respect him by saying: “Of course, just leave them there.” When I didn’t play into his pattern however still treated him with respect he had to up the ante with the dishwasher statement.

3. You/I did it last time, so you/I must do it this time too

It has happened before that he asked the very same question. I answered: “You have to ask Chris (my husband) as he’s doing the dishes today” to which he just put the dishes away. This time he actually said out loud: “If I’m doing it this time, I always have to do it.” He saw his own game.

4. I don’t have time

This pattern can either be another victim game like ‘I need help’ or be more a bully game, depending on the force and tone of voice it is used with. After his statement of hating the dishwasher, I said: “Feel free to wash the dishes if you prefer” to which his answer was: “I don’t have time, I need to go because…” and he mentioned all his appointments.

Most of the patterns or games are to enrol people to play along with your preferred outcome. The above mentioned ones are just examples but there are many more.

Once you can identify the games you are at choice whether you want to play along or not. The way out is to not take on someone else’s drama but to detach with love and walk away from the storm. And you don’t have to even physically leave if you’re truly aware.

Filed Under: communication, family of origin, self development/motivation Tagged With: family game, family pattern, family relationships, game

How Relationships Are Affected When Communication is Poor

June 4, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple
Photo by Kelly Searle on Unsplash

The quality of your communication is directly proportional to the quality of your relationship.

This sentence says it: when your communication is poor, so is your relationship. All of you who read this article will have experienced or are currently experiencing a relationship affected by poor communication. This article will look at how specifically it can affect the relationship.

Starting with the first affects it has on you personally I will then move to the later affects and also the implication is can have on family and the wider community.

Low satisfaction

First and foremost: communication is critical, if not the most critical building block of a relationship. If communication is poor, lacking or challenging, then the relationship suffers and does not satisfy human basic needs of connection. On a personal level, you might feel sad, disillusioned, upset, angry or frustrated.

Lack of support

Couples also notice a lack of emotional, physical and mental support when communication is disintegrating. Talking to each other is an important way to download the daily grind which supports the psychological and physical wellbeing of the individual.

Reduced intimacy

With the lack of stimulating communication and connection, we will also notice a reduced or lack of intimacy. Both partner, but especially women need to feel connected and understood which happens when communication is working well before they feel like being intimate. Your frequency of sexual intercourse will most likely be influenced by poor communication and will reduce further if the problem is not addressed.

Affected health

If communication is continuously poor or lacking there could also be implications on your state of health. Unhappiness, depression, lack of motivation are only some common example of people living in relationships that are defined by inadequate communication. When you think about elderly people living on their own with very little opportunity to communicate you will notice their general state of health will immediately be positively affected when they have interactions.

Arguments, separation and divorce

At the end of the scale and when arguments have continued over a long period of time, relationships will often end up in separation and divorce. If there are children involved it can lead to numerous additional problems like parenting disputes, child support challenges and academic or behavioural school problems for the children.

Filed Under: communication, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: communication, family relationships, intimacy, relationship, relationship challenge, relationship communication

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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