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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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grief and time

Grief 10 years on

January 19, 2022 By Nathalie Himmelrich 4 Comments

Even though the time that has passed since death
does not determine the amount of grief left to be felt,
it still gives us information
on the length of time
we managed to survive without them.

Nathalie Himmelrich
From Nathalie Himmelrich´s private archives

What does grief and grief work look like 10 years on?

Today is my mother’s 10th year death anniversary. She died from suicide following years of depression, just 4.5 months after my daughter’s death.

First of all, it feels partly unreal that it’s already 10 years and partly I’m in sort of disbelief about the fact that she died at all.

Let me be clear: I’m cognitively absolutely clear that she is dead. And still, it’s somehow strangely unreal.

Grief still works through me

Today, I noticed feeling on edge, easily annoyed by trivial things. That’s normal and to be expected when the layer of ice over grief is thinned through an anniversary date. Honestly, I think my physical body is aware of and reacting in response to the approaching anniversary way before the mind catches up.

Feelings come and go

I let myself sit with feelings as they come and go, choose to look at memories and photos in honour of her, become teary looking at certain ones, plan to visit the cemetery, and leave ten roses for her. I feel restless, a bit lost, and let myself be in it. And then I do something else for a while and let it rest.

How long has it been for you? How do you feel around your loved one’s death anniversary? Share with me here.

Grief over time

If you want to read more about how grief changed over the years, you might find the following articles interesting to read:

10 years into grief (child loss)

  • The Purpose of Grief
  • How Did You Survive Child Loss?

7 years into grief (child loss)

  • The Evolution Of Grief: Grieving In The Seventh Year
  • Death Anniversary: The Body Remembers

6 years into grief (child loss)

  • The Birthday Of The Child Who Isn’t Alive

5 years into grief (child loss)

  • Learning To Live Without You

4 years into grief (sibling loss, mother loss, child loss)

  • Gusts Of Grief – 4.5 years into grief seen through the eyes of a surviving twin (sibling loss)
  • You Have Got To Be Strong Now – reflections on my mother´s death 4 year into grief (mother loss)
  • Dear Child Of Mine – 4 years into grief (child loss)

3 years into grief (child loss)

  • It’s 3 Years Today That I Held You In My Arms: The First, The Last, The Only Time

2 months into grief (child loss)

  • Grief – A Very Personal Experience

Filed Under: child loss, family of origin, from personal experience, grief support, grief/loss, grieving parents Tagged With: death anniversary, grief 10 years on, grief and time, time heals

Stop That Grieving!

January 7, 2015 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

NICU
Image from Nathalie Himmelrich’s personal archives (Photo by Cassandra Deep)

Many times during the dark periods of my grieving I wished for it to stop. “I can’t take any more!”; “I hate my life,” and “I don’t want to be like that.”

In one specifically dark moment I remember telling my husband: “You have the luxury to decide whether you want to stay with me or not, I don’t have that option.”

There were so many times I wanted the whole thing to just be a story or a film that would end, preferably with a happy ending. And neither did I want to become friends with my New Normal self, nor with my New Normal life. Why was it called ‘normal’ at all?

In a conversation I had with my mother after her first suicide attempt I urged her to think about and consider what it would mean to me, being pregnant with HER twin granddaughters and having to deal with the grief of losing MY mother. She said: “I know it would be hard, but with time, you’ll see, it will get easier.”

I shook my head in disbelief.

This conversation occurred eight months before she died and four months before Amya died.

This January, it will be three years since my mother left and I finally know what she meant. I feel that it is due to my extensive personal grief work and my process of writing my book Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple that I have come to find myself in a good place with what concerns grief.

“With time, you’ll see, it will get easier…” applies to grief. It does however not apply to loss. Since my latest article ‘Being a Better Parent After Loss?’ and some interesting experiences I have had with certain people’s apparent discomfort with my outspokenness about ‘grief matters’, I realised that there is a huge lack of understanding of the difference between grief and loss.

Loss is a permanent, non-changing reality for a parent who has lost their child.

Grief is a process that is different for any parent and changing and evolving over time.

Loss will never ‘stop’.

Loss can not be ‘let go of’ or ‘moved on’ from.

The fact that I have a daughter who died is part of my history.

And even though it’s in the past, it’s also here with me.
It is not something I will or can forget about.

Grief, on the other hand, is a process.

It changed me and my outlook on life.

Grief will ebb and flow, it comes and goes.
With time, it comes less frequently and is less intense.

I won’t get lost in grief.

I resolve to let go and process grief, every day.
But I will grieve the loss

when needed and as long as needed.

And I resolve to remember Amya.
One thing I cannot lose is her memory.

“With time, you’ll see, it will get easier…”

~~~

THE GRIEF GETS EASIER.

THE LOSS JUST IS.

~~~

This article was first published January 7, 2015 in Still Standing Magazine

Filed Under: authenticity, child loss, emotions/feelings, from personal experience, grief/loss, grieving parents, parenting Tagged With: child loss, grief and loss, grief and personal identity, grief and time, grief gets easier with time, grief versus loss

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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