grief

Time To Grieve – How Long Will My Grief Last?

January 31, 2020 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Time To Grieve – How Long Will My Grief Last?

How long will I be grieving the death of my child? How long will my grief last? When will I feel better? Is there a time to grieve? Is it true that I need to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’? What does ‘moving on’ look like?

How much time to grieve do I have?

I have been asked these and similar questions for years. Just last week, a member of the Grieving Parents Support Network asked:

“Hi. Do you know of any articles about ‘how long the grieving process is for losing a child’? I was told ‘fresh grief’ takes about 2 years and another said it takes 5 years. My adult daughter passed away 6.5 months ago.

When I post something about her on Facebook one was telling me I need to move on – that’s what my daughter would want me to do. Others haven’t been quite so blunt, but the message is still clear.

These comments hurt and make me angry. What shall I do? Ignore them or try to respond with a message about how hard it is to lose a child and that it takes a long time? I don’t know what to do.”

The question showed me a couple of things:

[Read more…]

Comparing Grief – Can It Be Helpful?

December 19, 2019 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Comparing Grief – Can It Be Helpful?

Comparing grief is something we all have done at some point.

“But you’ve only had a miscarriage.”
“I experienced the same when my grandpa died.”
“My stillbirth was … in comparison to my miscarriages.”
“I cannot imagine losing a teenager.”

All these are comparisons: a miscarriage versus a stillbirth or neonatal death, the experience of the death of a child versus the death of grandpa, my stillbirth versus my miscarriages, the loss of a teenager versus another loss (or no loss).

Invalidating

Statements that include a comparison are often uttered without any bad intention. They are often an opinion of someone from what they understand or not understand from their vantage point in life.

In many cases, they are helpless attempts at dealing with the unimaginable grief that follows a loss, your own or someone else’s.

In many cases, however, a comparison is invalidating someone’s experience and feelings. No matter the kind of loss, it involves grief and pain.

We cannot truly know what someone else is going through, even if our losses involve the same person or the person in the same relationship (for example grandpa).

Even after an extensive exchange with our partner in regard to the loss of our child we only know what they have shared. And even then, we only have ‘what we understood’ and not ‘what they truly meant’.

Gaining perspective

If the comparison helps you to see something good and helpful for yourself, then it can be helpful – but only to yourself.

For example, Katja, one of the contributors of the book ‘Surviving My First Year of Child Loss’ said in an interview: “I know the murderer of my child, I know he’s in jail and I’ve got a trial coming up. Some other parents don’t have that option.”

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The Healing Is In The Feeling

September 10, 2019 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

The Healing Is In The Feeling

… and that is why it doesn’t help to be told ‘you should just get over it’.

So many times bereaved parents hear sentences that proclaim myths about their grieving and healing. We all have heard those myths, so much so that we have come to believe many of them. So it’s no surprise we, as the bereaved, struggle with healing after loss because it’s so different than portrayed or spoken about in society.

That’s where…

YOU (the bereaved) talking about your loss
YOU being open about your feelings and thoughts
YOU remembering your child
YOU openly sharing your tears when grief is triggered
YOU celebrating your child’s memory
YOU standing tall accepting where you are on your journey with grief

… are making a difference.

You are a grief and healing warrior

You are a hope spreader, truth speaker, way bearer, silence breaker, taboo destroyer, meaning creator, new normal ambassador and a human resilient healer.

Some of the myths, that we have heard for aeons are the following, or versions of:

get over the loss, stop talking about it, move on, forget about it, time heals all wounds, have another baby (in the case of a bereaved parent), think about… (your husband, your other surviving children), keep yourself busy.

As you all know, most of those are not helpful and deny us of our experience that we have to the point were we ourselves say “I shouldn’t be crying…” or “I’m sorry I lost it” when we feel what is a natural part of healing.

Healing is in the feeling. Healing happens one conversation at the time, thought by thought, tear after tear that runs down our cheeks. Healing can also happen by doing something, creating new meaning, putting your brainpower into a project or your physical power into building something. Healing is so varied and often happens without us even knowing it is happening. It also happens when we think ‘I’m feeling worse again’ or ‘I’ve gone backwards’.

Stop denying your experience. Stop giving other people the power to deny your experience. What you experience naturally is just that: natural.

Yes, of course, you can increase your not so pleasant feelings by doing the very thing you know increases it: for example looking at photos, listening to specific music. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do that, it means to be mindful when and how you do it.

So, how can you own your experience? By becoming and being aware of your own emotions, thoughts, actions, behaviours and spoken words. By taking responsibility on those powers and not let those be directed by what other people or society think or feel.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

10 Things About Relationship Changes With Grief

September 10, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Grief and loss changes many things and the people directly involved. There is no doubt that it also changes the relationship dynamics between directly involved people, as well as the way friends and family interact with the bereaved and vice versa.

1. The world has changed

The world of a bereaved person changes dramatically following a loss. The way they see and interpret what has happened influences their worldview.

2. I have changed

Many bereaved people are challenged with the way they personally are changed after a loss. There is a term, describing the time post loss as the ‘New Normal’, which in most cases feels anything but normal.[Tweet “Relationship change, with or without loss”]

3. My partner has changed [Read more…] about 10 Things About Relationship Changes With Grief

10 Things About the First Year of Grief

August 20, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

The first year marks the first time you experience and do everything without the person you have lost. Traditionally, society believed that it gets easier after the first year. Some still believe this nowadays. The truth is that the challenging time post-loss is as individual as the bereaved themselves. Trust in your own time-line processing grief.

1. Shock and numbness

The very first phase of grief will most likely be spent in numbness from the shock. This is a protective way for the body to help you cope with the intensity.

2. Surviving

Living through the first phase of grief may not seem survivable. It may even seem as no relief to know other bereaved have walked this path before. It is survivable and it takes time and energy. [Tweet “Grief is survivable and it takes time and energy.”]

10 Things About Grief Support

July 15, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

[Tweet “Find the support that is right for you”]Grief is an experience we all have to deal with sooner or later. Whether you have experienced it or not, you will eventually have friends and family members who are dealing with a loss. That is when you are in the role of a supporter. The following ten things about grief support are written for the grieving and at the same time they will hopefully enlighten the supporter’s role.

1. Grief is overwhelming

This applies to the bereaved person as much as to the support person. Keep this in mind and do not over-expect, neither from yourself, nor from your surroundings to know the right things to do and say in every moment.

2. Find the support that is right for you

Whether that is grief counseling, support group, religious support or talking to a friend, make whatever you chose to be suitable to you. Be willing to change, if the first thing you try does not work or stops working for you after a while. [Read more…] about 10 Things About Grief Support