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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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grief/loss

10 Things About Grief Support

July 15, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

hands around a cup
Photo by Dayne Topkin on Unsplash

Grief is an experience we all have to deal with sooner or later. Whether you have experienced it or not, you will eventually have friends and family members who are dealing with a loss. That is when you are in the role of a supporter. The following ten things about grief support are written for the grieving and at the same time, they will hopefully enlighten the supporter’s role.

1. Grief is overwhelming

This applies to the bereaved person as much as to the support person. Keep this in mind and do not over-expect, neither from yourself, nor from your surroundings to know the right things to do and say in every moment.

2. Find the support that is right for you

Whether that is grief counselling, support group, religious support or talking to a friend, make whatever you chose to be suitable to you. Be willing to change, if the first thing you try does not work or stops working for you after a while.

3. Knowing and sharing what it is you need

I have yet to meet someone with a certificate in mind reading. Even people with pretty good intuition will not always know exactly what it is you need. First, find out what it is you need. Second, communicate your needs. Third, find those who are willing and able to support in line with those needs.

4. Apply mindfulness to your expectations in relationship

It’s normal to expect that your closest person, whether it is your family member, partner or children would be best at understanding where you are at. I’m sorry to say but the grieving experience is challenging to understand and makes sense of, even for the closest person: yourself.

5. Grief brings strangeness

Grief has a huge effect of changing yourself, so as much as you are getting acquainted with the post-loss self, so do you friends and family. Grief makes you a stranger to yourself and equally to your surroundings.

6. Be true to yourself

Grieving throws you back to yourself, to take care of yourself. This is the time to be true to yourself, to be selfish – in a good way – in looking after yourself. Do not overwhelm yourself with social outings, if you do not feel up to it. If however you feel it’s doing you good, go for it.

7. Do not let others tell you how to feel

This goes hand in hand with number six: There are no set guidelines about what, when and why in processing grief. Whether you consciously or unconsciously avoid it or go into the experience with full force, it is what it is for you.

8. Ask a professional

Your friends and family members will only be able to give you their opinion. They want you to feel better and get over it. If you need some advice, ask someone outside of your inner circle and get a professional opinion.

9. Think long-term

Against popular belief, grief is not ‘over’ after one year (or any other amount of time). Do not believe people saying: “You should be over this by now.” If you’re dealing with your grief, it may take a long time and you probably re-visit those emotions again and again when triggered. This is normal.

10. Feeling crazy is normal

The post-loss experience is a crazy ride. Lacking concentration, forgetting things, being emotional and lacking stamina is normal. People might think you’re going crazy. This is a temporary state, which is normal while processing grief.

Remember that your friends and family might not be able to support you the way you need it. Find the support that you need and don’t expect your surroundings to fill a role they don’t fit. It does not mean you have to burn those bridges unless you chose to do so.

To find out more about the latest grief resource book, Bridging the Grief Gap, click here.

Filed Under: coaching, counselling, grief/loss, grieving parents, listicle Tagged With: grief, grief support, grief/loss, parental bereavement

What You Need To Know About Grief

February 26, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

sad woman
Photo by Jakayla Toney on Unsplash

This article will cover and explain many of the terms used in relation to grief. Understanding these will help you accept what you or a person close to you is going through in this process.

Abbreviated Grief is a short-lived grief response in the way that the grieving process seems shorter because the role of the deceased is immediately filled by someone/something else.

Absent Grief is a response when the bereaved shows no signs of grief whatsoever and acts as if nothing has happened.

Anticipatory Grief is the normal mourning a person feels when they are anticipating the death of a loved one.

Chronic Grief is a response that displays as strong grief reactions, which do not subside over a long period of time.

Collective Grief is a response felt by a collective group such as a society, village, community or nation leading to mass causality. 

Complicated Grief is a response that lies outside the norm of grieving in terms of extended periods of grieving or responses that seems out of proportion. ‘Chronic Grief’, ‘Delayed Grief’, and ‘Distorted Grief’ all fall under the umbrella of ‘Complicated Grief’.

Cumulative Grief is a response when a person suffers multiple losses or deaths close together.

Delayed Grief is a response of grief long after someone has died. This can happen as conscious or subconscious avoidance of the reality and pain of the loss.

Developmental Loss is related to maturation and continued development. Developmental losses often carry a gain with them.

Disenfranchised Grief is grief over a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, mourned publicly or supported socially.

Distorted Grief is a response where the grieving person experiences intense, extreme or atypical reaction to the loss such as self-destructive actions or extreme changes in behavior. Hostility and anger towards yourself and others are common.

Exaggerated Grief is a response where the reactions and responses to grief are extreme or excessive.

Inhibited Grief is a response of a griever who does not externally show any signs of grieving for an extended period of time.

Instrumental grieving pattern is where individuals experience grief physically such as in restlessness or excessive cognitive activity. They will find adaptive strategies include being active (wanting to do something) and thinking it through.

Intuitive grieving pattern is where individuals experience and express grief in an affective way. Grieving individuals will find adaptive strategies that are oriented toward the expression of affect (=emotions).

Masked Grief is a response where the reactions to grief impair your normal functioning. You may be unable to realize these symptoms and behaviors yourself as they are often masked as physical symptoms or other abnormal behaviors.

New Normal is the term referring to the person’s experience of self and the surrounding world after a traumatic loss of a loved one. This term is often used among bereaved parents to speak about the experience post loss.

Normal Grief is when the bereaved progresses in a normal way gradually moving towards acceptance of the loss and, as time goes by, are able to reenter life and engage in daily activities.

Pathological Grief is the kind of grief that chronically keeps a person from functioning, a disabling sense of distress and impairment of mind and body that calls for medical treatment.

Physical Loss refers to the loss of something that is no longer present.

Prolonged Grief is a response where the reactions are prolonged and intensified.

Relational Loss is the end of a relationship with someone, not necessarily through death.

Secondary Loss is the loss or losses that follow as a consequence of a primary loss.

Situational Loss is loss that is usually anticipated with anxiety and brings about a change. Examples are physical loss, relational loss and symbolic loss.

Sudden or Traumatic Grief is a response when death happened sudden, without warning and therefore gives no time for preparation.

Traumatic Grief is a normal grief response to the death of your child perceived to be horrifying, unexpected, violent or traumatic.

Untimely death is when death happens out of phase or cycle of life, too early for what would be expected.

Filed Under: grief/loss Tagged With: grief, grief/loss, loss, types of grief

Grief – Supporting People Who Are Grieving

February 23, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Grief is a process that most people have experienced in their lives. It is an interesting fact that even though many of us have gone through it before we seem to forget how it was for us and lack knowledge on how to be with people who are in it.

Nathalie Himmelrich
mother and child grieving
Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash

Experiences with clients have shown that there are really only a few simple guidelines to follow to support people who are grieving. The grief cycle, which was put forward by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, contains the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Depending on where the person in grief is there might be slightly different approaches needed. The best way to find out which of the following suggestions would work, is to ask them.

Being there with them

As simple as it may sound, being there with the grieving person is the first and most important suggestions. It is true that sometimes time alone is needed or desired but more often than not, grieving people are left alone for too long, when in fact they need companionship. This might mean staying with them watching television or having a meal, asking them to join you to go out or just checking whether they wish you to come over and keep them company.

[Read more…] about Grief – Supporting People Who Are Grieving

Filed Under: grief/loss, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: grief/loss, loss, relationship breakup, sadness

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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