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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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intimacy

Relationship Wisdom – Create A Relationship Vision

November 20, 2013 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

view into the sunset
Photo by Matt Noble on Unsplash

Many couples head into a relationship with lots of enthusiasm. This is good, right? This is what makes most relationships so interesting and exciting at the beginning. There are a lot of assumptions created from the honeymoon period hormones, which are then turned into expectations for the remainder of the relationship. Let’s have a look at how we can start with a bit more openness, reality check and clarity.

You used to tell me every day how beautiful I am

If receiving affirmative comments to you is a high priority value you will have been sold by those statements and swept away into feeling loved. He fulfilled one important need and turned the key and unlocked your heart. This is a beautiful way to start a romance but what if those beautiful words were just present at the happy beginning?

Starting over

Creating a relationship vision, like any other vision for life or business, has the potential to move you forward in life as a couple and support you in a satisfying partnership. When this vision in based on your personal values, the things that give meaning to your life, it will also ignite and bring more meaning to you as a couple. You can do this any time, the sooner the better.

What is a Relationship Vision?

By creating a vision you make clear what you want. You are describing in words what you can see, feel, hear and smell, based on your values and purpose. This vision can be a one-year, three-year, five-year or ten-year vision.

How can we create our Relationship Vision?

It is an advantage if both partners equally desire to create more meaning and put the time aside to work on a relationship vision. It is also possible to create a relationship vision if you are still single and want to imagine the kind of partnership you want to invite into your life.

Step 1: Identify your personal values

Values are those things that truly matter most to you. It might be honesty, openness, creativity, freedom, etc. Start by making a list of the 20-50 most important values for you and rate them from 1 to 5, 1 being very important, 5 being less important. Notice all the values scored as 1 or 2 and make a list of the top five core values that you cherish the most.

Step 2: Identify your relationship values

Relationship values are those things that truly matter most to you in regards to your relationship and your partner. Do this alone before sharing with your partner. Do it in the same way as you came up with your personal values but remember that there are specific relationship values that you might like to add, for example, intimacy, creating a family together, physical proximity etc.

Step 3: Compare your personal and your relationship values

Notice whether both of your values work together. Be honest with yourself and whether you are compromising your personal values for your relationship values. If necessary, align them so there is no compromise.

Step 4: Write your relationship vision

Pick a time frame: 1-year, 3-year, 5-year or 10-year and write from that moment, describing what you see, feel, hear etc. Use present tense and state as if you are looking through your eyes. Make sure you include the values that are most important to you. Remember to make this vision achievable and believable for you but let it stretch your imagination.

Step 5: Read it aloud

First, read it aloud to yourself. Then, if you have a partner, read it to them. Ask them to listen attentively and encourage you with their whole being.

Living according to your personal and relationship values and being aware of your partner’s values will give you greater relationship satisfaction in itself. Once you have openly shared your vision with your partner there might be goals you want to set together or other conversations coming up regarding what you want to achieve together.

Remember that this might bring up insecurities as well as excitement. Being truthful to yourself and to your partner will make your relationship more real and propel you towards your personal vision and purpose.

Filed Under: love/relationship/marriage, self development/motivation, sexuality/intimacy Tagged With: intimacy, relationship, vision

Relationship Wisdom – My Wife Does Not Want To Have Sex

October 16, 2013 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

woman behind curtain
Photo by Monika Kozub on Unsplash

Lack of sexual desire is a common relationship challenge that couples face. It does not always have to be the female partner who has the reduced sex drive. Couples facing this issue however do seldom have an erectile dysfunction. This article will look a bit deeper into these different issues.

Clarification of different terms

  • Erectile dysfunction or impotence is the term used when a man is not able to maintain or develop an erection of the penis during sexual intercourse. This can occur as a physical impotence or psychological impotence.
  • Libido, also referred to as sex drive, is a person’s (male and female) desire for sexual activities such as intercourse.

Reasons for reduced sex drive

There are various reasons that can influence the sex drive: physical factors such as hormones like testosterone, psychological factors such as personality, beliefs, stress or social factors such as societal beliefs, as well as family ideas and imposed rules. Other physical factors to keep in mind are smoking, alcohol and drug abuse, which also cause imbalances in your hormones, as well as medications, like anti-depressants, so check with your doctor. A women’s libido is strongly related to her menstrual cycle.

The duration of the relationship, as well as transitions like becoming parents or getting a new job or losing one’s job greatly influence the sex life as well as other areas of the relationship. Fertility problems, being pregnant, having a new born a baby, personal changes like menopause etc. all influence not just the personal emotional, physical and mental balance and well-being but also the couple’s.

Effects on relationship

Changes in desire for sexual activity or erectile dysfunction often have a big influence on relationship satisfaction. In both situations it is recommend getting professional help after checking any potential physical problems with your doctor.

Differences in libido between partners is not just common but the rule in most relationships. It does not always have to be gender stereotypically the man who has more sex drive.

When is Couples Coaching or Counselling required?

Once you have out-ruled any potential physical components it is time to look at the individual and couples patterns of interacting, communicating and strategies for creating intimacy. Often we continue to live and love by out-dated rules and beliefs we acquired from our parents and have not yet learnt a new and more suitable way of interacting in today’s relationship.

Just because you are an adult does not mean that you have got all the keys sorted out in relating well to your spouse. Having been together for five or more years also does not mean you know ‘everything’ about him or her. Most importantly I can promise you that ‘things that worked at the beginning of the relationship’ won’t work for ever. And – you change over time and so do your partner and your relationship.

Another interesting observation I have found in couples work over the years is that fear of intimacy might actually increase with the duration of the relationship. Knowing the soft or sore spots of your partner does not guarantee that you will always treat them accordingly.

Can the relationship be saved?

Every relationship needs to be cared for like your garden needs constant watering and weeding. This is the time when you need to update your way of relating if you don’t just want to throw it all away and start again with a new relationship. Sooner or later, you will get to this point with a new relationship, so it’s up to you whether you want to resolve the issue or postpone them.

Filed Under: emotions/feelings, gender/sexuality, love/relationship/marriage, sexuality/intimacy Tagged With: intimacy, lack of sex drive, libido, no sex drive, sex, sex drive

How Relationships Are Affected When Communication is Poor

June 4, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple
Photo by Kelly Searle on Unsplash

The quality of your communication is directly proportional to the quality of your relationship.

This sentence says it: when your communication is poor, so is your relationship. All of you who read this article will have experienced or are currently experiencing a relationship affected by poor communication. This article will look at how specifically it can affect the relationship.

Starting with the first affects it has on you personally I will then move to the later affects and also the implication is can have on family and the wider community.

Low satisfaction

First and foremost: communication is critical, if not the most critical building block of a relationship. If communication is poor, lacking or challenging, then the relationship suffers and does not satisfy human basic needs of connection. On a personal level, you might feel sad, disillusioned, upset, angry or frustrated.

Lack of support

Couples also notice a lack of emotional, physical and mental support when communication is disintegrating. Talking to each other is an important way to download the daily grind which supports the psychological and physical wellbeing of the individual.

Reduced intimacy

With the lack of stimulating communication and connection, we will also notice a reduced or lack of intimacy. Both partner, but especially women need to feel connected and understood which happens when communication is working well before they feel like being intimate. Your frequency of sexual intercourse will most likely be influenced by poor communication and will reduce further if the problem is not addressed.

Affected health

If communication is continuously poor or lacking there could also be implications on your state of health. Unhappiness, depression, lack of motivation are only some common example of people living in relationships that are defined by inadequate communication. When you think about elderly people living on their own with very little opportunity to communicate you will notice their general state of health will immediately be positively affected when they have interactions.

Arguments, separation and divorce

At the end of the scale and when arguments have continued over a long period of time, relationships will often end up in separation and divorce. If there are children involved it can lead to numerous additional problems like parenting disputes, child support challenges and academic or behavioural school problems for the children.

Filed Under: communication, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: communication, family relationships, intimacy, relationship, relationship challenge, relationship communication

10 Ways to Develop Intimacy in Your Relationship

May 12, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple
Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

Intimacy is part of every close relationship; this can be between lovers, husband and wife, friends, sisters and/or brothers or other parts of the family. Intimacy itself means a ‘close familiarity, closeness or togetherness’ in general and ‘intercourse, lovemaking’ in sexual relations. In the following article, we will look at ways to develop intimacy specifically between a couple in a relationship; however, they might also apply to other relationships mentioned.

1. Make room

In order to be able to allow intimacy, we need to be in the right environment. This depends on the kind of intimacy we are looking for and on the personality of the people involved. Mostly we need some private space where we can be undisturbed.

2. Reserve some time

Intimacy is also related to time in the sense that it develops with time. As with creating the space, we need to allow time for it to flourish.

3. Be present

Let your thoughts of the day drift away and be present in this moment and space. Specifically, draw your full attention to your partner.

4. Focus your attention

In tantric exercises, couples are asked to look into each other’s eyes and start to breathe together. This encourages presence and attention to be focused on each other which allows intimacy.

5. Speak from the heart

Complete the following sentences: ‘What I appreciate about you is…’ and ‘What I love about you is…’ while you look into your partner’s eyes.

6. Listen – inside and outside

Often people have unconscious fears about intimacy and being seen. Listen to what is happening inside of you (your internal thoughts) and to what your partner is saying.

7. Allow vulnerability

Intimacy also brings up vulnerabilities about who we are at the core. This is where you can develop yourself and your intimacy by allowing any related feelings and truly stay open.

8. Practice acceptance and welcoming

Just as you are opening up your ‘innermost’ self to your partner so will they. Developing more intimacy goes hand in hand with the feeling of acceptance and welcoming that we receive from our partner.

9. Share your fears

Opening up about your fears and failures can develop intimacy if it is mutual.

10. Make it a habit

Continue and repeat steps 1 to 9 and make it a habit. Intimacy does not just happen by accident; it is a result of two people being committed to making their relationship deep and meaningful.

Intimacy has also been transformed into ‘in-to-me-I-see’. To me, this means that in an intimate relationship what we ultimately become aware of and develop is what we see in ourselves.

Filed Under: communication, listicle, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: couples satisfaction, developing in relationship, intimacy, relationship intimacy

They Cheat – How a Relationship Can Survive an Affair

March 26, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couples hands on table
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Affairs can be exciting adventures that can have detrimental effects on the primary relationship, as some readers might well know from previous experience. There is however hope for reconciliation if both partners do their share of the healing and forgiving.

In my practice, I encounter many couples that have been suffering as an effect of an extra-marital affair or another form of ‘breaks in trust’. I am continuously astounded at the resilience couples to have shown over the years. This is only partly due to the support I offer them and mainly to their own work and preparedness on dealing with the issue in a way that supports both partners.

Healing emotions

In regards to the past affair, sufficient time for healing is needed during which various emotions might surface for both partners. For the ‘cheater’ these might include guilt, sadness, anger at self or even grief over the discontinued affair. For the ‘cheated’ these might include anger, rage, blame, disbelief, sadness or despair. All these emotions need to have their place, which might not necessarily have to be within the relationship itself. Consider confiding in a good friend, family member (not your children) or a therapist. Working with and through these emotions can take considerable time and it is important to know that you need to let your partner deal with theirs in their own time. Allowing and dealing with these emotions will assist the healing process.

[Read more…] about They Cheat – How a Relationship Can Survive an Affair

Filed Under: love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: affair, cheating, intimacy, relationship, relationship breakup

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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