Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

love/relationship/marriage

10 Key Principles About Relationships

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Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

# 1: Intimacy: The only difference between a love relationship and friendship is intimacy. Ask yourself: With my current partner am I living in a friendship or a love relationship?

# 2: Personal evolution: Relationship is the fastest way to personally evolve. Your partner has VIP access to your hot buttons. Once you are past the honeymoon period you will be pushing each other’s buttons, whether you like it or not, for the purpose of growth and expansion of who you are.

# 3: Knowing one another: The basis of a sound relationship is to know another. It is not about what you know from the past, it is about what you discover freshly every day. Are you referencing your partner through past experience or through what is showing up in the present?

# 4: Affection: Do not assume your spouse knows you love and admire him or her. You need to communicate it frequently. Especially (but not only) in a volatile marriage affection is the key to marital happiness.

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Love Language Part 4 – Acts Of Service

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Actions like cooking a meal, setting a table, washing dishes, vacuuming, taking out the garbage, mowing the grass, changing the cat’s litter tray, etc are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love.

Within every language, there are many dialects. If you have a spouse with Acts of Service as her primary love language, find the specific things she would like to you help her with by asking her. If you are the person with that specific love language, make a list for your spouse of the things that would help you most.

Remember: love is always freely given. Love cannot be demanded. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.

Overcoming Stereotypes

Learning the love language of acts of service will require some of us to re-examine our stereotypes of the roles of husbands and wives. Our actions are influenced by the model of our parents, our own personality, our perception of love, and our emotions, needs, and desires. Only one thing is certain about our behaviour: It will not be the same behaviour we exhibited when we were caught up being ‘in love’.

A willingness to examine and change stereotypes is necessary in order to express love more effectively. Remember, there are no rewards for maintaining stereotypes, but there are tremendous benefits to meeting the emotional needs of your spouse.

If your spouse’s love language is ACTS OF SERVICE:

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The Five Love Languages

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So what are the 5 Love Languages? Each person feels and shows love in different ways. Let’s see if you recognize yourself and your loved ones by reading the description of the 5 Love Languages.

Click here to read the description of the 5 types. Please leave a comment, if you wish. Once you’ve read the article you can answer the question below:

1. What is my primary love language?
2. What is my partner’s primary love language?
3. How can I show my partner, my love, in the way she/he understands the best?

If you’re not sure, ask your partner: ‘What would make you feel loved right now?’
You might choose to start a list with ideas on what makes him/her happy and use the ideas on a daily basis. Watch how your relationship is blossoming!

Words of Affirmation

This person needs acknowledgment for who they are and what they do. They draw heavily on verbal compliments, encouragements, and words of appreciation such as ‘thanks for doing…’, ‘you look good in…’, ‘I really appreciate you doing…’ etc.

Quality Time

This person needs time together. This means having your partner’s undivided attention, e.g. looking at each other and talking, or talking and walking, just the two of you. Just proximity such as watching television is not enough. This person needs to know you can engage in a quality conversation where the two of you are sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted environment. It also involves doing things together. This may include any activity e.g. cooking, going to markets, and playing sports – as long as the focus is enjoying being together.

Receiving Gifts

To this person, gifts are important symbols of love. What is important is that your partner thinks of you and makes the effort to translate that into a gift. This also includes yourself and your time, e.g. being in a caring way at significant times or when needed emotionally.

Acts of Service

Nothing means as much to this person as giving and receiving practical support. This includes the myriad of tasks such as cooking, cleaning, walking the dog, working to provide etc. You seek pleasure by serving and express by doing.

Physical Touch

To this person, physical touch is a powerful vehicle for communicating emotional love. This includes a wide range of behaviours from tousling your partner’s hair, a squeeze, a touch, a massage, holding hands, kissing, and sexual intercourse. They particularly need touch or holding at times of distress. This person feels most secure in their love when it is expressed physically.

Remember that each language has different dialects. Start to pay attention to the way your loved ones feel most loved and appreciated. Now you have the choice to use that knowledge to make the most important person in your life feel loved…

(Please also refer to the book ‘The Five Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman)

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach. I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

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