memory

woman in a field — Photo by Hector Gomez on Unsplash

Today is the seventh death anniversary of my daughter. As I’m typing it, I feel the strangeness of this sentence. I stop mid-sentence and find myself somewhat confused. How do I deal with something that I wish wouldn’t be real, year after year?

Death Anniversary: The body remembers

The week leading up to today was a mix of waking up in the early hours of the morning, usually, around 4-5 am* without being able to go back to sleep, general lethargy and lack of motivation. ‘What’s the point anyway?’ was the thought that kept circling in my head, without any place to rest.

The body remembers more than we think or are conscious of and not just because Facebook memories remind us. During the year, I don’t consciously think of my pregnancy until the week or days before the date I gave birth. It’s as if the body gently gets in touch with what happens during that time of the year, last year, or even many years ago, especially when it was highly emotional.

Replaying the memory

This year, my daughter serendipitously asked about childbirth the day before her birthday. “Mummy, did it hurt?” she asked gently. “No, it didn’t hurt because I couldn’t feel from my tummy down to my legs.” Our conversation led to me role-playing what happens during a C-section and in our specific case. We went on to have a look at pictures from that time, pictures I hadn’t looked at in a long while.

After a while, she started to stir on my lap and I knew she had seen enough. I continued for a while on my own, being swept away by the memories. Looking back, I notice I went beyond the point of ‘it’s enough now’.

Signs and symptoms

There are some signs that seem to repeat themselves over the years in the days around the death anniversary:

Lack of or trouble sleeping
Change in appetite
Increased tendency for inner reflection
Increased moodiness
Avoidance of social activities or chatting
Heightened fear of my child being forgotten

My way to deal with those signs is to give myself space to defer any self-expectations. This is not as easy as it sounds. Life still happens around me.

Last year, on the 6^th anniversary I made this video which still rings true today. I speak about the ways you can support me or another bereaved parent. Watch it here: Death Anniversary

What helps you on a day like this?

thunderstorm — Photo by Micah Tindell on Unsplash

It is fairly common to avoid what we experience, specifically if we don’t like what the experience brings with it. Often, dare I say ever, it is the emotional component that is disliked, unaccepted or denied.

I don’t like anger

I am aware of this right now. Today marks what would have been my mother’s 70 birthday if she had not chosen to end her life prematurely in January this year. Today is a heavy day for me and I struggle with the mixture of anger at her decision to leave, her not being physically present and celebrating with her and her one-year-old grandchild, the feeling of missing her and on the other side the desire for me to be compassionate, accepting and seeing the positive in everything. Right now, the anger is much more prevalent and in my head, I hear the screaming voice saying: ‘What the hell is there positive in this???’

I just want to feel better

I’m reminded of one of my client’s session this week where my clients said: ‘I want to feel better, I don’t like feeling the way I’m feeling and it doesn’t make sense anyway.’

As a starting point, the desire to change isn’t wrong. It might just be premature to want to change from anger to joy in one step. There is a good reason for the emotion at the moment, whether we like it or not. There must be, otherwise, we were we as human emotional being constructed this way? Besides the obvious, the release of the various emotional responses helps us deal with what is and release tension. Tears help you heal. So do the emotion that is present, with or without tears.

Charge versus memory

If you look back along the timeline of your life you will notice that there are memories that have no or little emotional charge. These are the events that you have dealt with and emotionally released. No matter how far back in time, those which still hold some emotional negative emotional charge have not been fully released. These are the topics for therapy or self-awareness and processing.

Present situation, past charge

Often we are reminded of past charges when something happens in present daily life that is somehow connected. This does not have to be logically understandable. All that matter is your awareness of the past memories coming up and relating to the present situation. This is your invitation for release and allowing.

I feel so bad

The other end of the scale from avoiding the emotional experience is prolonging it. If you enjoy ‘feeling bad’ or have some secondary gain attached to drama, then you’re living the other extreme. It’s not better than avoidance, it’s just another strategy to get what it is that seems more desirable. In the case of a drama queen, it might well be what others avoid.

What to do in the present moment?

Coming back to my present situation of the emotional components of my mother’s 70 birthday – what shall I do? I don’t like anger as it alienates people, I’m short-tempered and impatient with my daughter and husband. These are behavioural projections of the anger, whereas I’m reminding myself to stay with it, without needing to express it beyond informing my husband: “I’m angry today and if I might project please don’t take it personally.” His response, knowing of the effect of the date: “It is totally understandable that you’re angry.”

There again, I’m reminding myself that acceptance of what is, is paramount. Not just from others, but from myself first and foremost.

Death Anniversary: The Body Remembers

Death Anniversary: The body remembers

Replaying the memory

Signs and symptoms

Avoiding the Present Experience

Death Anniversary: The body remembers

Replaying the memory

Signs and symptoms

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Nathalie Himmelrich