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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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meta program

Meta Programs – All-Or-Nothing Thinking

December 11, 2013 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

never coffee sign
Photo by Randy Rizo on Unsplash

Do you start sentences with “always” or “never” as the second word? That is what is called ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking or generalising. If you happen to think like that you are most likely rarely (or never?) happy with what you have achieved and are highly critical of yourself and others.

Is this me?

If you think in extremes, with no grey areas or middle ground, either like someone or hate them, exercise seven times a week or not at all, then you are very likely an ‘all-or-nothing thinker. Once you start listening you will find yourself saying words like “always”, “never” and “totally”. An example could be: “My boss never listens to me” or “I always get stuck in traffic. [Tweet “Do you find yourself saying words like “always”, “never” and “totally”? Who, me? Never!”]

So what is the problem?

If you are working in a profession where perfectionism is crucial, like for an accountant, then this kind of thinking is an advantage. If however, you are not able to give yourself a break, you will most likely magnify the stressors in your life and make them seem bigger than they are. This can lead to overwhelm and stress-related illnesses such as high blood pressure etc.

Seeing shades of grey

Sometimes it makes sense to focus on seeing the ‘in-between’. For example in relationships, when one partner disappoints the other or has an affair, it is an advantage to look at the situation with more shades than just black and white.

Behavioural flexibility

The aim of meta-programs is to first know oneself and our natural tendencies. Then and if it is beneficial, we want to learn to become more flexible with them so we have a choice of how we act as opposed to re-act in our predominant ways.

I remember working with a couple, where the husband cheated on his wife who was naturally an ‘all-or-nothing thinker. Through our work together she came to a point where she was able to change her natural way of reacting. Rather than chucking him out of the house, she chose to have relationship coaching and address the underlying issues in their marriage. This saved their relationship and allowed them to stay together as a family with their two boys.

How to get out of this thinking pattern?

Ask yourself: “always?” or “never?” depending on what you are thinking or saying. The question of whether there was ever a time when this was not like that. There are not any aspect in human reality that is absolute, except if your thinking makes them like that.

Filed Under: coaching, communication, counselling, self development/motivation Tagged With: all-or-nothing, generalising, meta program, meta program

Meta Programs – Discounting and Counting

December 4, 2013 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

making a list
Photo by Cathryn Lavery on Unsplash

Meta Programs are processes that operate at a metal level, which influence other lower mental levels (meta meaning ‘above’). They help you understand how you (and others) make sense of the world, and how you shape your values, beliefs and behaviours. The term meta-programs comes from the world of NLP and is widely used in self-development, coaching and counselling.

Translated into everyday language meta-programs would be ‘thinking habits’. Depending on whom you asked there are almost 100 different meta-programs that have been identified so far (according to L. Michael Hall).

Does this count? Or not?

This meta program is called Discounting versus Counting and looks at how you habitually look at what you have achieved. If you simply think about how you look back at today’s actions, are you noticing and counting the things you have done or rather discounting them by saying something like “ah, that’s nothing” or “that’s normal, everyone has to do this”.

The famous “To Do list”…

Many of you reading this use something to remind you to get things done. It’s usually in list form and states all the errands and things that still have to get done. This list might get updated with more things to do but those items that have been delivered or finished usually disappear without much celebration. You might, for a short moment, be relieved of having done something but then the focus is on “ok, what’s next?”

Have you done enough?

If you suffer from overwhelm, truth is that you are probably sorting much more for the things that you haven’t done and discounting the things that you have. As a ‘human doing’ we have learnt from an early age that we are only ever as good as what we have done. This is a belief worth reconsidering and updating if you still fully stand behind it.

Starting to count

How about a new list called “Things I have achieved list”? This would be the first subtle change toward counting. You might wonder “but what’s the point of that?” which is just another discounting statement. The fact is once we start to really appreciate who we are, what we have and are doing as opposed to beating us up for who we are not, what is left to be done or didn’t have time, we will notice a letting-go, a relaxation and a shift to self-appreciation.

Filed Under: coaching, self development/motivation Tagged With: coaching, counting, discounting, meta programs, nlp

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