mother

What Is a Mother to You?

May 7, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

mother and child — Photo by Jessica Rockowitz on Unsplash

With another Mother’s Day is just around the corner I have been invited to ponder the meaning and definition of Mother.

The definition of a mother

There is a distinct difference between mother as a noun, versus the action of mothering in the form of a verb. Reading the definition of a mother it says a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth. The verb ‘to mother’ means to bring up (a child) with care and affection, also referred to as ‘the art of mothering’. In the past to mother meant to give birth.

It is interesting to note that the person giving birth and the person bringing up a child with care and affection may not always be the same person.

Becoming a mother

Throughout my early adult life, I had a distinct feeling I would have two children before I turned thirty. I could imagine being a mother but really, this was just an idea and far from a real image of being a mother.

Later in life, once I decided I actively wanted children, I noticed a shift within me. The mother inside me was giving birth to itself.

Appreciation of my own mother

Only having a child myself has truly allowed me to appreciate the journey my mother has gone through, enjoying the beautiful aspect as well as dealing with the challenges of having children: the hugs and kisses, as well as the “No!” and “Go away Mummy” comments.

Being a mother is an experience, one that I never could have imagined. People who have children say: “You don’t know what it’s like until you have them.” They are right. I thought I did know but truly had no clue. I’m still finding out day by day what’s next to come in bringing up my daughter.

Yearning to be a mother

Not every woman can be a mother but every woman has had a mother. Many women would have loved to be a mother but didn’t have or can’t have a child due to various reasons. With my limited experience of yearning for motherhood (before I was a mother) I empathize with these women. I remember the disappointment I felt every month of not being pregnant. I remember the sadness in looking at other pregnant mothers striding along holding their bellies.

The need to be mothered

Many children never have the experience of their birthmother’s love and care. One can only hope that they find another woman to raise them as a mother. We all need to be mothered or cared for, even as adults. We translate it into being loved, understood, heard, seen and felt. It is a basic human need.

I do hope that on this Mother’s Day every woman has someone or something she truly cares for and has someone who truly cares for her, whether she has living children or not.

Mother’s Legacy

November 26, 2012 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

butterflies — Photo by Karina Vorozheeva on Unsplash

“You will in time understand the complexity of my time here on earth…” were my mother’s words.

Just this morning I had an epiphany in regards to my mother’s choices in life. I was contemplating the ways in which she said things that she wanted us to do differently, her stoic responses, and her sometimes very stubborn decisions and opinions. We as a family struggled many times with this situation.

Perspective brings healing

Now I see it all with a bit more perspective. My mother was probably brought up with little room to have her own wishes and desires fully met. She must have learnt that having her own and sometimes out-of-the-box ideas were termed as ‘being difficult’ and so swallowed them for a long time. I guess that in her relationship with my father she was putting her own needs behind everything else that the family needed. For a long time… until the phoenix rose out of the ashes.

I sometimes couldn’t understand why she would do things in a complicated way and didn’t want to change when it all seemed to make so much more sense another way. She was artistic and different in every way, even when it comes to the way she had her kitchen organized.

In her later life, I have experienced my mother’s resentment from all the years where she stood back, allowed others to come first, and had her own needs met last.

Now I see what damage her soul took from conforming to society but not following her own path.

Healing choices

Today I choose that from what I see, everyone has the right to have their own wild ideas, needs, wants, and dreams… which don’t need to be justified or explained. As I now live among the same walls my mother did, sleep in the very room my mother slept, eat on the table she dined, and am surrounded by the plants she chose to have in her garden, I am here to discover the complexity of her time on earth. Step by step.

Being Mum – Being Child

May 14, 2012 By Nathalie Himmelrich 4 Comments

For every mum there is a child and for every child there is a mum. This is one thing we all have in common: we all have a mother. There is this one person in your life you call ‘mum’. What happens to you when you think of your mum?

Eight months ago I became a mother and my daughter is just starting to say mum-um-um… to my delight, of course. Four months ago however I’ve also lost the person I called mum.

My mum’s death was sudden and as such unexpected. It left me wondering how orphans feel growing up without this one person to rely on, to talk to, to get support, love, encouragement and guidance from? Am I now an orphan?

It also made me contemplate the relationship I had with my mum over the years. I always felt close to her, even though we had our moments of disagreement and relationship challenges. I spent intensive times with her, especially in the last 15 years as I lived overseas and only saw her once a year but then for a few weeks or on holiday trips together. Growing up I always felt supported and never doubted her love for me. Still, like every mother – daughter relationship, we had our ups and downs, differentiating myself and my life from hers and practicing allowing her to be different to what I expected her to be.

Mothers, like sons or daughters, change. For me it wasn’t very easy to see her change, becoming older and partly more stubborn in her own ways. Even though I believed she had every right to make her own choices, I was annoyed at certain ones and downright angry at others. I had however learnt to keep my frustration and anger to myself, probably as I had learnt it from my parents. So outwardly I might have seemed accepting but naturally inwardly I had my human thoughts, emotions and reactions.

Having a child of my own opened my eyes to motherhood in a whole new way. I’m amazed at the intensity of what it takes to mother a child and it’s only been 8 months. In comparison to my mum, I have a very actively supportive husband who is taking his role as a father seriously, where my father, representing his time, was far less involved.

Mother’s Day has been created to remember those amazing things mothers do and show them our gratitude. (No, I haven’t forgotten Father’s Day but that’s another time of the year.)

The role of a mother (or a father) never stops, not even with death. As mentioned above, it is 4 months ago that I’ve lost my mum, but 8 months ago I also had the younger of my twin girls die. So not only do I have a child, I also have lost one and so have experienced the whole spectrum of having a child, losing a child and losing a mum in a short timeframe. I still very much feel this child of mine with me, as well as my mum. I will always remain mother to two girls, if people ask or not. I am a mother by honouring her soul who has passed on.

My mum and my younger daughter are still with me, even though not on a physical level. Neither mothering nor being a child never stops. Now I might not have ‘real’ conversations with them, but I still have them inside of me. I think of them, am angry and sad for their leaving me and my other child and I miss them.

If your mother is still alive, what are you waiting for?

If your mother has passed, what are you waiting for?

Have you found peace in the relationship with her?