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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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relationship challenge

The Argument Is Never Just About the Issue

December 10, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Photo by Kleiton Silva on Unsplash

This past week I had an argument with my husband. What was happening between us is what I regularly see happening with my relationship coaching clients. I will use my personal experience to show you what I mean.

Present and past issues

The present issue was about something I had asked him to do before we went out that evening and it wasn’t done when we were about to leave. I was annoyed as we stood there in our winter coats, ready to leave and we couldn’t because we were missing the item. This is the present issue. What happened from there onwards was that past issues were added on.

We argued but really, it wasn’t about the item itself.

It’s never about one thing

We argued but really, it wasn’t about the item itself or at least not just about it. I don’t like being ready to go out into a cold winter night, being dressed for outside temperature and having to look for ‘that missing thing’ inside, where it’s warm. The same way as we were getting more and more hot in our clothing, our conversation got more and more heated until we parted our own way.

Different cooling-off periods

[Read more…] about The Argument Is Never Just About the Issue

Filed Under: communication, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: relationship argument, relationship challenge

It Is the Relationship Journey That Counts

November 13, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple two women
Photo by Shingi Rice on Unsplash

Today in a client’ session I heard myself say: A happy relationship with your partner might be your goal but it is not the purpose of (relationship) life. Let me explain.

The journey that counts

The famous quote “It’s not the destination but the journey that counts” leaves some questions unanswered:

  • What is on the journey?
  • What specifically counts as part of the journey
  • What does it really mean?

Quotes are nice but often leave a lot to personal interpretation. Let’s have a look at that quote in relation to your relationship life.

Relationship struggles

Whether intimate, casual or relationships with siblings, parents, friends, colleagues, or employers – relationship are seldom easy. Even the best of friends struggle with each other, have misunderstandings or fights.

This is normal and to be expected.

Relationships, and specifically the closer they are, have the potential within themselves to trigger and bring up any unresolved issues.

On your journey with relationship you will encounter struggles, sooner or later, if you are not just leaving any relationship before it gets close enough.

You see Mum and Dad

“Whatever you do, where ever you go, you see Mum and Dad and they see you.” This quote describes the transference we deal with in life on a daily basis. The person you meet might remind you of your mother or father, consciously or unconsciously and you are challenged with similar topics to those of your relationship with your mother or father.

You receive the chance to finish up the business you still have open (=left unfinished) between you. These are the stops along your relationship life, which will allow you to grow personally, no matter who you are in a relationship with and learning the lesson.

What’s the connection between relationships and the purpose of life?

In an intimate relationship, specifically with the person, we feel closest to, we want to be happy, understood, seen, appreciated, nurtured, loved, admired, listened to… basically have our needs met. The goal might be this ultimate relationship. The purpose however is that the same. The purpose of your intimate relationship is to heal those wounds that have been left unattained. To become aware of them, we are triggering each other’s sore points (=wounds), mostly without mal-intent or conscious knowledge.

Wounds you will encounter

There are only a few basic wounds or topic that the issues you’re facing will fall under:

  • Rejection
  • Abandonment
  • Humiliation
  • Betrayal (of trust)
  • Injustice

Some of those five wounds will interact or be experienced in combination.

In fact, it does not even really matter who you are relating to. If you can embrace the purpose of learning and growing while relating, any relationship will make a lot more sense.

Filed Under: communication, counselling, emotions/feelings, gender/sexuality, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: relationship, relationship challenge, relationship communication, relationship conflict, relationship struggles, relationship wisdom

Misunderstandings In Multicultural Or Multinational Relationships

July 25, 2013 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

multicultural relationship
Photo by JD Mason on Unsplash

Being in a relationship where two people are from the same culture and country is already a challenge – imagine those couples that are from different cultures and countries! I am in one of those relationships.

Multicultural relationships versus multinational relationships

Multicultural relationships, as the name says, are when two people from different cultures meet, for example, an Islamic man who is in a relationship with an American woman.

Multinational relationships are when two people from different nations, but not necessarily from different cultures, meet, for example an English man who is in relationship with an Australian woman.

Some people might argue that even though the cultural background might be the same, English and Australians are still very different, which is true. For the sake of the argument let’s assume the two situations outlined above as a starting point for further exploration.

It is obviously possible to have one without the other, or both scenarios at the same time, like in my case: I’m born and raised Swiss and my husband is born and raised Australian with English ancestors. Given those differences it is also noteworthy that we communicate in English, which is my husband’s but not my mother tongue.

Challenges we face

Any combination, multicultural or multinational, will bring about its own challenges for one or both partners:

  • Not having family around
  • Living in a foreign country
  • Dealing with another culture on a daily basis
  • Having to change one’s values and beliefs to be able to live in a culture that is extremely different
  • Dealing with different value systems
  • Speaking different mother tongues

The list of challenges is far away from being complete and those of you who have experience with these kinds of unions might want to add some of your own.

Effects on communication

In regards to communication it is important to realize that given those challenges we need to spend more time clarifying, asking questions, evaluating, negotiating and practicing compassion and understanding every day. I have come to realize that my relationship has and is continuously teaching me to assume absolutely nothing. ‘That’s what I said’ is different to ‘That’s what I mean’ or ‘That’s what I understand’. Navigating through misunderstandings has become a daily learning experience. Still, after speaking English for over 25 years and having lived abroad for over 13 years I find myself saying ‘ah, I didn’t know this’ or ‘why didn’t you tell me before?’ And again, I’m reminded to assume nothing and ask instead.

My husband luckily has a lot of patience with my questioning and explains the intrinsic details of cultural habits that still elude me. I have also changed my pervious discomfort with questions to allowing myself ask anything, even twice or three times, which might push my husbands buttons once in a while. While growing up I somehow got the message that ‘I should just know’ and therefore didn’t feel encouraged to ask. Nowadays and specifically due to my profession I continuously question, even the seemingly obvious.

The most important tip I could give anyone is to question your assumptions, practice patience with each other and look at your partner with fresh eyes every day, learning and exploring continuously and jointly.

Good luck!

Filed Under: communication, family of origin, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: multicultural, multinational, relationship, relationship challenge

How Relationships Are Affected When Communication is Poor

June 4, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple
Photo by Kelly Searle on Unsplash

The quality of your communication is directly proportional to the quality of your relationship.

This sentence says it: when your communication is poor, so is your relationship. All of you who read this article will have experienced or are currently experiencing a relationship affected by poor communication. This article will look at how specifically it can affect the relationship.

Starting with the first affects it has on you personally I will then move to the later affects and also the implication is can have on family and the wider community.

Low satisfaction

First and foremost: communication is critical, if not the most critical building block of a relationship. If communication is poor, lacking or challenging, then the relationship suffers and does not satisfy human basic needs of connection. On a personal level, you might feel sad, disillusioned, upset, angry or frustrated.

Lack of support

Couples also notice a lack of emotional, physical and mental support when communication is disintegrating. Talking to each other is an important way to download the daily grind which supports the psychological and physical wellbeing of the individual.

Reduced intimacy

With the lack of stimulating communication and connection, we will also notice a reduced or lack of intimacy. Both partner, but especially women need to feel connected and understood which happens when communication is working well before they feel like being intimate. Your frequency of sexual intercourse will most likely be influenced by poor communication and will reduce further if the problem is not addressed.

Affected health

If communication is continuously poor or lacking there could also be implications on your state of health. Unhappiness, depression, lack of motivation are only some common example of people living in relationships that are defined by inadequate communication. When you think about elderly people living on their own with very little opportunity to communicate you will notice their general state of health will immediately be positively affected when they have interactions.

Arguments, separation and divorce

At the end of the scale and when arguments have continued over a long period of time, relationships will often end up in separation and divorce. If there are children involved it can lead to numerous additional problems like parenting disputes, child support challenges and academic or behavioural school problems for the children.

Filed Under: communication, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: communication, family relationships, intimacy, relationship, relationship challenge, relationship communication

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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