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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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relationship

Relationship Wisdom – Skillfully Disagreeing With Your Partner

March 27, 2012 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple on couch
Photo by Mike Lloyd on Unsplash

Let’s face it: disagreements are a natural component of every relationship. If you are one of those people saying: ‘I just don’t want to argue’ you have to get real. You can work on your style of how you handle disagreement or arguments but rarely (never) will you live in an intimate relationship without any of it.

Differences are the norm

You might have entered into your relationship looking for someone who is similar to you. Even though you might have a lot of overlap of values, beliefs and life views there are also the differences, which, if you were able to filter them out in the beginning they will become more obvious once the relationship has progressed past it’s initial honeymoon stage. Don’t fool yourself – they have been there all along, you just skillfully, with the help of your hormones, managed to avoid them.

How to deal with them?

There are naturally people who are more easy-going and accepting of differences. Some because they want to do everything possible to please their partner, others because they are not so tightly attached to their own opinions and find it easier to accept another point of view.

The closer however a value is to your core, the more you will be willing to defend it. Think about what is most important to you in life and now imagine someone close to you asking you to change this or saying that this is not right. This will stir up some kind of self-defense in most people.

So wherever you are on the scale, there will come a point where you might want to or have to disagree with your partner. Here are a couple of important points to remember:

1. It is ok to disagree

Disagreement does not mean that you don’t love the other person, it simply means that you have a different point of view.

2. Acceptance is required

If you are truly dedicated to your partner, you will need to practice accepting their differences, no matter how big or small they are. Depending on the topic, this might be most challenging and in some cases it might not be possible if the situation at hand is below your bottom line. That’s when you have to seriously rethink your relationship.

3. Communicate acceptance

One of the most skillful and helpful components of disagreeing with your partner is if you communicate what you understand and accept. This will make your partner feel heard and most probably less defensive.

4. Continue discussion

Disagreement, when not too heated with emotions, needs to be discussed. If you notice that you get too agitated, ask for a time out and discuss it at a later point in time. Masters of relationship show that they are able to continue talking about points of differences without needing to agree.

5. Find compromises

For some disagreements you can simply allow them to be, others might need compromises. Remember that a compromise is not always in the middle. For example if one partner wants a child and the other doesn’t you cannot find a middle path.

6. Better to be right or happy?

In some cases you need to think hard about the importance of your position. Is it worth defending yourself?

In the end, ask yourself whether the issue is worth more than your relationship harmony or whether you are able to let the problem go. Sometimes arguments do not have an origin in the relationship but in our history, our childhood or our own state of mind.

Filed Under: communication, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: communication, dating, different point of view, partner communciation, relationship, relationships

Relationship Wisdom – You Need To Change

August 29, 2011 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

hands on table
Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

Wanting to change our partner is a very natural part of any relationship. Having said that, it still does not make it right or achievable. Let’s have a look at this conundrum.

Your values and conditioning

Who you are and what you believe has been shaped by your upbringing, your experiences, your past relationships, your social and economic surroundings, past and present. This is how you come to believe what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’. Based on those values you evaluate the world around you, including the people, places and things.

But isn’t it normal?

Clients that I am working with in relationship development often ask me this question. ‘Isn’t it normal that…?’ and you can add any of your firm beliefs, for example ‘you ask questions when talking to someone rather than just talking about yourself’. I am sorry to rain on your parade but there is truly nothing ‘normal’, meaning ‘fitting the norm’. Any norm that you hold true for yourself is just a rule that you have either adopted or created to fit with you and your life. Every other person has got their own, some of which might be the same as yours, some of which actually might be quite the opposite or some do not have a rule around a certain topic.

You need to change

If you think that anyone, including your partner, needs to change, you assume that your rules are right and should be followed by them. A rule for example can be ‘putting the paper into the recycling bin rather than in the general rubbish’. This is a very simple rule and there are many of those that you might not even be aware or conscious of.

Imagine your partner would have the same expectation from you and wanted you to adopt his or her rules. How does that sound to you? I bet you would not want that, if you strongly believe in what you deem important.

Learning to accept differences

It is natural that in any relationship there will sooner or later be differences that are challenging. With some of those differences you will need to live and learn to accept them. Accepting does not necessarily mean that you agree with them, but you have to at least allow the other person to have their own viewpoint.

Compromise

Some of the differences need compromises and will be topics of discussion. Remember that compromise does not mean that your partner always comes over and meets you on your terrain; it also means that you shift your perspective at times.

Filed Under: love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: change your partner, comprommise, relationship, values, you need to change

Relationship Wisdom – Compatibility

August 23, 2011 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

two hands intertwined
Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

How much should you and your partner have in common? How much are you trying to change your partner? How often do you say: Well, you cannot get everything from one partner? These statements and questions are frequent when I work with clients dealing with relationship challenges. Let’s shed some light on compatibility. 

Attraction

There are various different sayings or statements that go with attraction. For example: ‘Opposites attract’ or ‘like attracts like’. It seems to be suggesting that everything attracts each other. Do you think both are true or which is truer for you personally?

Whichever it is, in every relationship there is some form of attraction that is based around one or more areas of the relationship. For some it is physical attraction, for others common interests, hobbies, work or similar philosophies in life. It can be and hopefully is a mix of different areas that overlap and that you find attractive about your partner.

Disillusionment

After the honeymoon period wears off and you will see your partner with more clarity and realism. Some of the things you so adored in the first place might become less attractive or the reality of the whole person brings a bit of disillusionment. This is normal under the circumstances and you now have to ask yourself whether you feel that you and your partner are enough of a match to make a relationship work overtime.

Being ‘enough of a match’

The compatibility will be more or less between any two people and depends on the number of values that you share with your partner. Ask yourself: What is important to me in my life? Which of those values are also important to my partner? These will be the ones you share. If, for example, communication and emotional connection are two of your values and they are very important (= higher on your values list) to you it will be good and make the relationship longer lasting if you share them with your partner.

Not all people need the same amount of overlap. Some individuals are quite happy to live a big part of their lives on an individual basis and they connect with their partner on certain days only. They might even prefer to live in separate apartments and have their own physical space, friends and recreation activities. Others might need a bigger amount of overlap, they strive to have common interests and do many activities with their partner. The question is whether you and your partner have similar needs in terms of the amount of overlap you both need from the relationship.

Relationship satisfaction

Relationship satisfaction will depend on two things: a) how much overlap you need in comparison to how much you get in your relationship and b) how much of your higher values are covered.

Let’s show this in a practical example: If you are a person that would love to spend every moment with your partner and find it especially important that you can communicate about everything openly and honestly in a deep and meaningful way, imagine yourself in a relationship with a partner that prefers more time with his friends and is less of a talker. You might otherwise be very well matched, physically attracted to each other, devoted to each other and the relationship, have similar hobbies etc. but over time your primary need or high value will be left unsatisfied and potentially make you feel like there is something missing.

What shall I do now?

When you realize that you might not get what you need in your relationship there are only two options: either you accept things the way they are and potentially let go of some of your needs or you get real and face the fact that you are not as satisfied as you deserver to be. Which one will it be for you?

Filed Under: love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: compatibility, match with partner, relationship

Relationship Wisdom – What Stops You From Having Sex With Your Partner?

July 17, 2011 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple having sex
Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

Reading the statistics about how often a couple has sex makes some wonder: ‘What’s wrong with me?’ The fact is that these numbers are not necessarily representative of the whole population. Still, the question remains: What stops you from having sex with your partner?

We used to have sex all the time!

We can find a multitude of reasons why the frequency of intimacy and sexual intercourse in specific usually decreases over the course of a relationship. First of all, it depends on the libido of the people involved, so keep that in mind while continuing to read this article. One reason that applies to all of us is that at the beginning of a relationship, while a couple is filled with ‘honeymoon hormones’ the drive to have sex is the highest. Given that this state lasts anywhere from six to 18 months and then decreases, it makes sense that so does the desire. This reason is based in biology and it is said that it is linked to the average time it takes to procreate and conceive a baby.[Tweet “We used to make love all the time…”]

Other reasons

In addition to that we also enter into a different way of interacting as the relationship progresses. Some couples move in together, have babies, jobs, bills to pay and life takes over. From being very focused on the other at the beginning of the relationship we come back to ourselves a bit more. Where at the beginning of a relationship you meet and all you do is focus on each other, later you might spend time in the same location with each other and you might be doing some work, paying bills, doing some housework etc.

Maturing relationships

With time we are also less able to just show the ‘perfect me’ and become more of the ‘real me’, which at times has negative emotions spilling over or annoying habits showing up. In all relationships that I have been working with it has also been obvious that the longer a relationship lasts, the more reactions are experienced to the differences in a couple. Things that might not have been obvious in the beginning suddenly stand out as if they are highlighted. And some of these lead to disappointment, resentment and conflict.

Get your mind out of the way

The strongest block in sexuality that I have come across in my couples work is the mind. Next time you deny your partner sex, ask yourself: What’s going on in my mind? What am I telling myself about him or her, about the situation etc.? The power of your mind can stand between you and your partner’s sexual enjoyment. In addition, it is where we hold our limiting beliefs (for example I’m not sexy enough, I shouldn’t enjoy sex or sex is bad), judgments (for example He’s just not doing it right, she is not willing to be experimental etc.) and rules (for example I can only have intercourse when…). If you start listening to your inner conversations, you will get an idea of the powerful blocks you’ve set up for yourself!

Filed Under: gender/sexuality, love/relationship/marriage, sexuality/intimacy Tagged With: relationship, self development, sex, sexuality

Relationship Wisdom – More About Differences in Relationship

May 30, 2011 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple on bicycles
Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash

Challenges in relationships are perpetual in 69% of cases, according to relationship expert John Gottman. The reason being that we are built in different ways, beyond just about being male and female.

The following article will show specific distinctions that might challenge you in your relationship. Think about each set of opposites as being located on a scale with one criteria on one end and the other on the other end of the spectrum.

Looking for similarities versus looking for differences

Certain people will filter the world by looking for ‘sameness’ whilst others are looking for ‘differences’. People who match for differences are also called ‘mismatchers’, which you will recognize as someone who would regularly say no to suggestions or offer the opposite point of view in discussions. A sameness person will attempt to match and agree with people. If you make a suggestion to your mismatching wife make sure to give her a choice between two options.

Screening and non-screening

This opposite has to do with your focus. A ‘screener’ will be able to get lost in an activity and no longer be able to listen to their partner. A ‘non-screener’ will be distracted by things going on in the environment, such as noises or other interferences. If you call your ‘screener’ husband to dinner and he’s not coming, go and touch him on his shoulder to make sure he’s able to take your information in. If you talk to your ‘non-screener’ wife make sure you get rid of all interferences, for example wait until the children are in bed, to have a deep and meaningful conversation.

Optimistic – pessimistic

This distinction is fairly well-known but are you aware how it can affect you and your partner? An extremely optimistic person will find it hard to deal with arguments or negative emotions. A pessimistic person will be good at looking at what might go wrong or what needs to be improved in a specific situation. In combination the optimist will see this as unnecessarily stressful and the pessimist will get annoyed with the optimist seeing things unrealistically.

If you recognize you and your partner are on the opposite side of the scales you can imagine the re-occurring challenges and frustrations you experience as a result. Remember that these distinctions are also dependent on the context; so it might be different if you are at home or at work so don’t oversimplify this.

The key to living with these differences is to work on accepting them, looking for the benefits that each partner can bring to the relationship and continuously communicate with each other about it.

Filed Under: family of origin, gender/sexuality, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: difference, female, male, relationship

Relationship Wisdom – 10 Tips On Becoming Master Of Relationships

April 28, 2011 By Nathalie Himmelrich 2 Comments

couples hugging
Photo by Gus Moretta on Unsplash

The following article is a collection of observation that I’ve collected in my counselling practice working with clients. These findings are not based on scientific research but show practical experiences of relationships that worked better as an effect of one or multiple of these tips.

Tip #1: Show gratitude

Sounds simple but ask yourself: How often do you show or express gratitude for the things your partner does, says or simply is? The little mundane things that you do for each other on a daily basis mean a lot more if the other affirms them.

Tip #2: Share daily

Couples that make it a practice to have a daily sharing time, where they stop all other activities and simply talk to each other, show longevity in their relationship.

Tip #3: Respect

The person we seemingly love the most sometimes does not get the same percentage of respect they deserve. Why do you think that is? Because they also push the most sensitive buttons. Practice respecting the person, without necessarily having to like all their behaviours.

Tip #4: Positive interactions need to outweigh negative

According to relationship expert John Gottman, couples that thrive have a ratio of five positive interactions to one negative. Even when in relationship difficulty I see couples, which have more positive interaction than negative, are more likely to get through a rough patch.

Tip #5: Attention

When couples have been in relationships for a while their attention for one another seems to become less focused. We take our partner for granted, don’t we? How about giving them undivided attention in the little things we do, like kissing the other good-bye, when leaving for the day.

Tip #6: Connect

Spend some time each day connecting with each. This might be achieved by sitting with each other and simply looking at each other, holding hands or, following a tantric exercise to place the palm of your hand onto the heart area of your partner while looking into each other’s eyes and synchronizing your breathing. Watch what happens as you try it.

Tip #7: Laugh together

Humor is such a good remedy and connector. Share a funny video with each other or tickle your partner.

Tip #8: Recognizing repair attempts

After a challenging incident with your partner there is usually one or the other offering a hand, a smile or something to re-connect. Ask yourself: Is there one of us who is more often saying sorry? How about changing this pattern? You might surprise yourself and your partner.

Tip #9: Do something unexpected

Once in a while do something ‘out of the blue’. Relationships can become stale if we follow in a rut. Write a love note to your partner and leave it in his briefcase or on the mirror in the bathroom for him or her to find later. Wash the dishes, if it is usually your partner’s chore or bring the rubbish out without being asked. Little things make the difference.

Tip #10: Be willing to grow

Relationships are your jet plane to enlightenment, as I keep saying to my clients. If you expect things to run smoothly all the time, I’ll promise you’ll be struggling. Why not instead be willing to learn and grow from challenges and open up to the possibility for change?

Filed Under: communication, counselling, emotions/feelings, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: attention, connection, presence, relationship

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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