relationship

Tips For Rebuilding Trust in a Marriage

May 18, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich 2 Comments

man touching woman's face — Photo by Taylor Deas-Melesh on Unsplash

Trust in a marriage is an important factor to keep the relationship smooth and satisfying. It gets damaged through what we call ‘trust breakers’, incidents ranging from lack of information, deliberately leaving out details of what has been happening, lying through to deceit and affairs. If you are committed to making your marriage work after such an incident, you must make rebuilding trust a priority. In the following article, we will look at ways to rebuild trust.

Building trust

Trust builds up with time in gradual development. It is dependent on the following factors: reliability, consistency of actions, words and behaviour, truth and honesty and confidentiality.

Breaking trust

Sometimes trust breaks because of something we fail to do, for example letting our partner know that we are planning to stay out late, and sometimes it breaks because of something we do, like having an affair. Trust is a delicate structure that can more easily and quickly be broken than repaired. Once it is damaged, it takes much longer to rebuild than it originally took to create it.

Rebuilding trust

Rebuilding trust needs to be a joint goal. Both partners need to be prepared to accept that a ‘trust breaker’ has happened and that the intention is to continue in the committed relationship. Remember that this is a process of time, depending on the severity of the ‘trust breaker’.

Choose from the following tips. Some might apply to your situation, some might not.

Tip 1: Be attentive to your partner. Both of you are hurting or feeling guilty and it is important to be mindful of your partner’s present state.

Tip 2: Be honest and speak the truth. In most cases it does not serve to re-build trust if you leave out important details that might be revealed later. If trust is once broken and then rebuilt, it might not survive another break due to the same issue.

Tip 3: Stay true to your word. Stay away from empty promises, no matter how small they are. If you can’t follow through, don’t promise!

Tip 4: Allow time to heal. Rebuilding trust will take time and it might take different amounts of time for your partner. Don’t rush yourself, don’t rush them.

Tip 5: Think carefully who you talk to. Your friends will give you their opinion and perspective on your issue based on their history; it might not necessarily be helpful to you. You then have to not only deal with yourself but also with their view on it.

Rebuilding trust can deepen and strengthen a marriage if you both support each other in dealing with it.

They Cheat – How a Relationship Can Survive an Affair

March 26, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

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Affairs can be exciting adventures that can have detrimental effects on the primary relationship, as some readers might well know from previous experience. There is however hope for reconciliation if both partners do their share of the healing and forgiving.

In my practice, I encounter many couples that have been suffering as an effect of an extra-marital affair or another form of ‘breaks in trust’. I am continuously astounded at the resilience couples to have shown over the years. This is only partly due to the support I offer them and mainly to their own work and preparedness on dealing with the issue in a way that supports both partners.

Healing emotions

In regards to the past affair, sufficient time for healing is needed during which various emotions might surface for both partners. For the ‘cheater’ these might include guilt, sadness, anger at self or even grief over the discontinued affair. For the ‘cheated’ these might include anger, rage, blame, disbelief, sadness or despair. All these emotions need to have their place, which might not necessarily have to be within the relationship itself. Consider confiding in a good friend, family member (not your children) or a therapist. Working with and through these emotions can take considerable time and it is important to know that you need to let your partner deal with theirs in their own time. Allowing and dealing with these emotions will assist the healing process.

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10 Key Principles About Relationships

March 23, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couples hands — Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

# 1: Intimacy: The only difference between a love relationship and friendship is intimacy. Ask yourself: With my current partner am I living in a friendship or a love relationship?

# 2: Personal evolution: Relationship is the fastest way to personally evolve. Your partner has VIP access to your hot buttons. Once you are past the honeymoon period you will be pushing each other’s buttons, whether you like it or not, for the purpose of growth and expansion of who you are.

# 3: Knowing one another: The basis of a sound relationship is to know another. It is not about what you know from the past, it is about what you discover freshly every day. Are you referencing your partner through past experience or through what is showing up in the present?

# 4: Affection: Do not assume your spouse knows you love and admire him or her. You need to communicate it frequently. Especially (but not only) in a volatile marriage affection is the key to marital happiness.

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Working Long Hours – The Effect on Your Relationship

March 4, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Business man — Photo by Hunters Race on Unsplash

Being part of the ‘Living in Australia’* research study I recently received their information and insight brochure. According to the their research study ‘Working long hours – it’s good for your marriage’ and you now have reason to work more! The research implies that being obsessed in your job is no longer the sin it used to be.

Reading on I’m getting a bit confused:

‘Many people believe that working long hours is damaging for personal relationship. However, recent studies have shown that the likelihood of divorce falls with the number of hours worked by the husband.

Research using HILDA data from 2001 to 2006 has found that men in jobs with long hours are more likely to divorce that anyone else. This research has also found that the optimal work arrangement is where a male works a 41 – 49 hour week. Beyond this the risk of seperations rises, but is still lower than for couples where the male works a 35 – 40 hour week. The likelihood of separation declines with the duration of the marriage and with higher household income.‘

Given this article, I’m wondering how the research data is being evaluated. Given that I’ve answered their question for the last 6 years I’m familiar with the structure of their research and the thoroughness of their questions and still, it leaves me in amazement at how they come to this conclusions.

What do you think? How do ‘working hours’ affect your relationship?

(* The Living in Australia study began in 2001. In this study, we collect and analyse information from thousands of different families and individuals across Australia. We ask questions about life in Australia including your employment, family relationships, education and wellbeing.)

Working Through Childhood Issues

November 5, 2009 By Nathalie Himmelrich 2 Comments

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Have you ever realised that you have different attitudes in bringing up your children than your partner? I bet you have, otherwise you might be partly in denial or not be too involved in the education of them. The reason why the attitudes differ might be connected to the differences in your unresolved childhood issues.

Through my experience in therapy, it has become very obvious that many of our attempts to ‘do the best for our children’, be it by teaching our children, supporting them in finding their own way, showing them the right way to act, being mindful of our fellow human beings etc are a way to resolve some of the unresolved issues of our own childhood. This obviously does not just apply to child-rearing; we could in fact look at many other areas in life and find the same pattern operating.

Let’s have a look at an example: John is taking care of his 14-year-old step-son Mark while his wife Julie (the mother) is at work. Mark asks to go to a friend’s place to which John agrees under the circumstance of Mark returning at 5.30 pm. When Mark has not returned home by 6.30 pm John is worried and mentions to Julie that they should pick him up. Julie does not see the problem in Mark being out at this time and does not understand John’s worry. They start to argue the point to which in the end Julie storms out the door and goes to pick up Mark.

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How to Manage the ‘Wanting-to-fix-my-Partner’ Pattern

April 21, 2009 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

After the glow of the honeymoon period in a relationship wears off and we regain the full awareness of our reality by taking off the rose colored glasses, we slowly become aware of the small and not-so-small imperfections in our partner.

Depending on our need for perfection we slowly but surely start to work on repairing our partner.

Usually it is one partner that more feels the urge to suggest improvements and these might range from an updated wardrobe, removing excess hair, squeezing pimples to picking on the shirt that is tucked in too tightly. Besides the personal improvements there might also be suggestions on books to read, encouragement on courses to join, engaging with a specific set of friends, or softly controlling your partner’s choice on the amount of time spent alone or with other friends.

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