Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

separation

52 James Fish Gill Bringing Loving Awareness To Your Pain Part 2

By Leave a Comment

James Fish Gill

➡️ If you haven’t listened to Part 1 – head back here first.

HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA is completely self-funded, produced, and edited by me, Nathalie Himmelrich.
Consider making a small donation to support the Podcast: bit.ly/SupportGTPodcast. Thank you! 

For more information, please visit Nathalie’s website, join the podcast’s Instagram page, and subscribe to the newsletter to receive updates on future episodes here.

About this week’s episode

This amazing conversation with James Fish Gill from Australia comes to you in the form of a double episode. Fish, as he refers to himself, has so much wisdom to share, I already knew before we started recording that it would not fit into the usual 45 minutes of this podcast. I knew Fish from Instagram, where I became intrigued with his approach to conscious communication. Listening to some of the podcasts where he had been a guest, I’ve been so drawn to what he shared in his capacity as a coach and through his unique approach.

In episodes 51 and 52, he takes us through how he dealt with his own grief, using the approach of conscious communication with himself: first, he honestly acknowledged and validated all his thoughts, then felt into the actual emotional experience. From there, he entered the field of his yearning and the longing in his heart which he recognized and honored, even when it – in the case of his loss – could not be met. Bringing loving awareness to the whole experience, without wanting to change it, makes every component of the experience matter.

Fish says we are not usually bringing loving awareness, but we are trained to respond to pain by usually dismissing, minimizing, comparing, assigning fault, understanding, or fixing when what it actually needs is validating it.
Ok, I won’t say more but I can promise you with certainty that if you listened to one episode, you would want to listen to the other too.

About this week’s guest

James Gill (aka ‘Fish’) is a heart coach, yoga teacher, and transformational facilitator based in Australia and working internationally. He is committed to the global spread of conscious communication practices that enable all beings to experience love in every moment which appears to have gone missing.

Fish’s links:

Resources mentioned in this episode:

  • The Guest House, poem by Jelaluddin Rumi

Thank you for listening!

HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA is produced and edited by me, Nathalie Himmelrich.

Support the show

Follow on socials

Relationship Wisdom – My Partner Just Left Me

By Leave a Comment

goodbye
Photo by Andrey Zvyagintsev on Unsplash

Clients in relationship counselling often make appointments when their relationship life gets turned upside down following a separation. If your partner has just left you, you will most probably experience a tumultuous time trying to find your way through feelings and experiences like shock, denial, sadness, despair, trying to understand and asking why, why, why.

Shock

In many cases, especially where the separation comes as a surprise, you will experience shock and disbelief. Many of my clients describe this as a stage of huge turmoil, filled with questions of ‘why?’ and going through possible scenarios trying to make sense. Often, the situation is compounded by having to tell friends and family who are also shocked.

Differences in men and women’s experiences

From my experience working with clients I have found that in many cases men will take a while to think things through in their own head, sometimes for a long time, before telling their woman that they no longer want to be in the relationship. 95% of men do not want to hurt their woman and therefore take time until they finally open up.

Women in comparison talk more openly about their relationship dis-satisfaction, either (do you mean either?) with their female friends, their therapists and their partners. It is therefore often more an experience of shock, when a man separates from their partner than the other way around.

Who am I?

Finding your place outside of the relationship is a huge process. Many couples have had years of togetherness and become used to being part of ‘me and my husband or wife’. In many cases individuals have un-learnt to refer to themselves in any other way than as part of a couple and family. Becoming ‘single again’, especially following an unexpected separation, can be a jolt to the experience of self, having to re-learn being ‘me’ as opposed to ‘us’.

Taking time

There are various strategies to travel through the separation process. Some people keep themselves busy, some live in intense sadness and hide from the outside world. Whatever you do or don’t – take time to journey through this stage in your life. Take time and find the support you need. It might be group of friends who support you, you might find sport to be your saving activity or you might consider talking to someone not involved, like a therapist.

Whatever you choose, remember that totally avoiding dealing with the emotional aftershock is only ever a temporary solution. Often we take unresolved emotional baggage into our next relationship, so you might want to ponder your way of dealing with it.

Relationship Wisdom – Staying Together Because Of The Kids

By 2 Comments

family in forest
Photo by John-Mark Smith on Unsplash

If you have children and are contemplating separation or divorce you will think twice about the likely consequences for them. Let’s have a look at some of the questions you need to ask yourself.

Depending on whom you ask, you will get their personal opinion of what they think is right or wrong. Let’s get this straight: there is no right or wrong in this situation. This is a very personal situation and if there was a clear-cut answer I am sure you would know it. Still, it wouldn’t make your case any easier.

Ask yourself:

  • What do I think about separation/divorce?
  • What are my past memories relating to this topic?
  • Is my concern about what others might think of me?
  • What would I think of myself if I were to follow through and separate from my partner, leave the kids ‘behind’?

Children growing up with mum and dad versus single-parent families

Nowadays there are many different kinds of families out there: nuclear families, blended patchwork families, remarried, divorced, and single-parent families. Children will not necessarily grow up to become better equipped just because they have their biological mum and dad around. What is much more important is the quality of family life, the amount of presence of a parent, and the quality of this time spent together that impacts the child.

Ask yourself:

  • What family structure do I regard as ‘the perfect one’?
  • What quality of family life am I / are we able to give the children?
  • How much quality time am I spending with my child?
  • If I were to ask my child, what would they miss or want me to do more often?

Role-modeling

As parents, you are your child’s role model. They unconsciously take an imprint of what they see, hear and feel as they grow up and create their beliefs and value system according to this.

Ask yourself:

  • What do I strive for in regards to family and where does this model come from?
  • What does my child learn from me or us as parents? What do they see, hear and feel?
  • What beliefs and values about relationships and the role of women and men will they form and is that what I want?

Conclusion

Whether you stay together with your partner or not should not only be dependent on having children. Imagine the kind of relationship they get to witness if you do stay and the kind of relationships they might get to witness if you and your partner would be true to yourselves and find a more suitable relationship?

In the end, children are resilient and will learn to deal with new situations. Multiple families can allow a child to become more flexible as long as they feel supported and cared for. This is needed whether you separate or not.

Separation And Divorce – Pros And Cons

By Leave a Comment

sad woman in bed
Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

Making a decision to separate or divorce has a major impact on your life, whether the decision is mutual or not. The ritual of marriage is a significant milestone in life and to undo or reverse this is similarly significant.

In a time of relationship crisis, separation and divorce might seem the only solution. Having said that, it is important to keep the whole picture, including all the different people affected, in mind.

Advantages

There are always pros and cons with every decision. Here are some of the advantages of separating:

Being or becoming happier: Living in a relationship that has passed its due date can significantly influence your state. It may be for the best to live apart and as a consequence, you might feel happier and livelier again.

Finding a more suitable partner: When you met your current spouse they might have been the right person to develop a relationship with and eventually marry, however, this might no longer be the case. We all change and time move on – and so do people. Divorce can allow you to spend the rest of your life, or your next life cycle, with someone more suited to who you are now.

Shared child-care: If you have agreed to shared custody you will have ‘children-free time’ which allows you to take weekends away or nights out with adult friends.

Time alone: You will have significantly more time alone, which can be both an advantage and a disadvantage.

Living more authentically: If you have outgrown your relationship you might be more true to your current authentic self by deciding to go your own way and split.

Disadvantages:

Thinking about divorce, usually, get you to easily think about the advantages of separation. It is important to also include the disadvantages to make an informed decision.

Reduced/increased time with children: You will no longer have your children with you the whole time or you might have your children at all times, with little or no support from your partner. If you have shared custody, you will see them regularly but it will never be as before when you woke up with them in the house every day.

Having to make new friends: As a couple, you will have shared friends, other couples, and other families with children. Often after a divorce, some or even many of those friends will be more friends of either you or your former partner. One of the challenges will specifically be to make new single friends for the times you want to go out without your children.

Being alone: Many of my clients find it challenging to spend so much time alone, which they are no longer used to. Some time alone might be desirable but not having the choice over how much is a different story.

Financial strains: A divorce itself will have significant financial impacts, as well as living alone or having to pay for child-care and/or support.

What is your personal story?

There will be more advantages and disadvantages as part of your individual situation. Sit down and make a list of what they are for you – this will help you through this period.

Whatever the reasons are, think about the advantages and disadvantages carefully and don’t rush a decision. It may be advisable to try mediation or couples counselling as part of your separation or to come to a joint decision and support each other in dealing with this life transition.

Subscribe for updates
    Built with ConvertKit
    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

    Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Affiliate Disclosure

    Copyright © 2012 - 2022 Nathalie Himmelrich | All Rights Reserved