sexuality

Relationship Wisdom – What Stops You From Having Sex With Your Partner?

July 17, 2011 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple having sex — Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

Reading the statistics about how often a couple has sex makes some wonder: ‘What’s wrong with me?’ The fact is that these numbers are not necessarily representative of the whole population. Still, the question remains: What stops you from having sex with your partner?

We used to have sex all the time!

We can find a multitude of reasons why the frequency of intimacy and sexual intercourse in specific usually decreases over the course of a relationship. First of all, it depends on the libido of the people involved, so keep that in mind while continuing to read this article. One reason that applies to all of us is that at the beginning of a relationship, while a couple is filled with ‘honeymoon hormones’ the drive to have sex is the highest. Given that this state lasts anywhere from six to 18 months and then decreases, it makes sense that so does the desire. This reason is based in biology and it is said that it is linked to the average time it takes to procreate and conceive a baby.[Tweet “We used to make love all the time…”]

Other reasons

In addition to that we also enter into a different way of interacting as the relationship progresses. Some couples move in together, have babies, jobs, bills to pay and life takes over. From being very focused on the other at the beginning of the relationship we come back to ourselves a bit more. Where at the beginning of a relationship you meet and all you do is focus on each other, later you might spend time in the same location with each other and you might be doing some work, paying bills, doing some housework etc.

Maturing relationships

With time we are also less able to just show the ‘perfect me’ and become more of the ‘real me’, which at times has negative emotions spilling over or annoying habits showing up. In all relationships that I have been working with it has also been obvious that the longer a relationship lasts, the more reactions are experienced to the differences in a couple. Things that might not have been obvious in the beginning suddenly stand out as if they are highlighted. And some of these lead to disappointment, resentment and conflict.

Get your mind out of the way

The strongest block in sexuality that I have come across in my couples work is the mind. Next time you deny your partner sex, ask yourself: What’s going on in my mind? What am I telling myself about him or her, about the situation etc.? The power of your mind can stand between you and your partner’s sexual enjoyment. In addition, it is where we hold our limiting beliefs (for example I’m not sexy enough, I shouldn’t enjoy sex or sex is bad), judgments (for example He’s just not doing it right, she is not willing to be experimental etc.) and rules (for example I can only have intercourse when…). If you start listening to your inner conversations, you will get an idea of the powerful blocks you’ve set up for yourself!

Relationship Wisdom – High Desire Versus Low Desire Partner

June 28, 2011 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

In any relationship, you will sooner or later come across differences, which ultimately challenge you and the harmony of the relationship. One very common difference is the difference in sexual desire. This article will help you understand this topic better and answer some of your questions.

High desire and low desire partner

I recently came across a book by Dr David Schnarch, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist who is an expert on marriage and sexuality. In his book Intimacy & Desire, he introduces the pattern of high desire and low desire partner. This does not only apply to sexuality – it actually describes any kind of difference. Schnarch says: ‘The low desire partner and the high desire partner are positions in a relationship on virtually any issue and decision in your relationship.” There is always one partner who wants to do something and the other who doesn’t, or wants to do it less. So actually, to be correct, the two positions mean that there is one who has a higher desire and one who has a lower desire. It is all a question of comparison.

Part of personality or situational?

These two positions shift on different issues so they are situational. You might be the high desire partner for sex, but our partner might be the high desire partner for intimacy or connection. It is also possible that the partner that started out as being the high desire sex partner at the beginning of the relationship, ends up being the low desire partner later. It is important to accept that neither positions are character nor personality traits, which will help you become less defensive or feel less inadequate or defective.

So where is the problem?

There isn’t any – the only problem really is how you as an individual and as a couple deal with the facts. Neither of the positions has a problem as such, if there isn’t an addiction or something else driving the position. The person with the lower desire is only in this position due to the other partner having a higher desire. In another relationship these positions might be reversed.

Sexual desire problems are part of any healthy sexual relationship!

Control

Schnarch makes it clear that it is a fact that the partner with the lower desire controls the situation. Again, this does not only apply to sex. Often couples start blaming each other for their positions, thinking that they have taken them to either ‘get back’ at the other or ‘punish’ the partner. Remember that the partner with the lower desire has not chosen this position and also not the control that inevitably comes with it.

The same applies, for example, to the household task. The person with the least desire for household chores controls when, how, and if theirs get done. If you are in the position of higher desire in regards to household chores the only way is to wait for your partner to take responsibility and obviously by bringing the topic to the conversation but it doesn’t change the fact of the control.

Masters of relationships realize and accept that 69% of their issues are perpetual problems (according to relationship expert Dr John Gottman). This means that they are unsolvable. The way to deal with them is to keep communicating about them within the relationship.

Improving Communication in Your Relationship – 3 Important Tips

April 6, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple on a pier — Photo by Raffy John Jimenez on Unsplash

Some people might naturally be more talented at communicating than others and this still does not mean that you just have to shrug your shoulders and accept things the way they are. Communication is a skill and therefore can be learnt, trained and improved with willingness and dedicated practice.

Tip #1: Listening

Becoming a better listener is the first part in practicing your communication skills. It is when you really listen to your partner that you will find out what is really going on. Often we make assumptions based on past experiences and fail to notice changes.

Start to practice listening by summarizing and feeding back to your partner what you have heard. Refrain from paraphrasing and adding your own interpretation. Ask clarifying questions, even if you think you know. Let your partner know that you have your own idea of what you think they mean but you are genuinely interested in what THEY meant.

Tip #2: Take time

Take time to have an in-depth conversation. If you need to, make it a date or an appointed time in your calendar if you have to juggle children, work commitments and courses or study. Allow each of you to take turn in speaking and listening. Remember to choose a specific place that suits the conversation you are going to have, for example discussing child-rearing when the children are in bed as opposed to on the dinner table.

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Nathalie Himmelrich