speaking the truth

Should I Tell Him?

August 9, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Entering into a new relationship means starting at the beginning and sharing your story with each other. The older you get and the more experiences you have collected, the more potential for aspects of your past that seems unworthy of sharing. Maybe some of your experiences make you feel guilty, ashamed or even disgusted with yourself. So, should you tell your new partner the whole truth or not?

Is it relevant right now?

Recently, a client of mine tormented herself about a past secret affair and whether or not she should tell her new partner, given the new man knew the man from the affair. What I asked her first is: “Is this part of your past relevant to you now and how?”

In regards to an affair, ask yourself whether you still have feelings for the other person, which might impede in your new forming relationship.

Ask yourself: Does my past affair emotionally stand in the way of forming this new relationship?

Level or trust and vulnerability

A new relationship is at the building stage of trust. You need to give your partner and yourself the time and space to let this trust naturally build. In the beginning, you share only certain aspects of yourself and this is normal. Once you feel more secure you are naturally willing to be more vulnerable to share the less favourable aspect of your personality.

Ask yourself: What would I want to know from or about my partner? When am I ready to share with him the deeper aspects of myself?

Boundaries

The learning within a relationship always includes knowing yourself and defining who you are within that relationship. This means experiencing your boundaries, sharing them and standing up if they are being trespassed. At the beginning of a relationship, it is natural to accept more and be more forgiving.

Ask yourself: What and where are my boundaries? What would I want from a relationship and what is out-of-bounds?

Walk in their shoes

Changing the perspective is always a good way to gauge what you need to speak and what isn’t necessary.

Ask yourself: If he experienced what I had, would I want/need to know? When would I want to know and in how much detail?

The truth

Telling the truth and being honest has become a high standard and yet in our human experience, it needs to thought through a bit deeper. The truth has a time and place and that’s not always here and now.

In regards to telling the truth I like to ask myself these three questions first:

1. Is it absolutely true or have I just heard/read it?

2. Is ‘this truth’ kind?

3. Is it of benefit to the person to hear ‘this truth’ now?

If at least one of the questions receive a ‘no’ then I know it’s not the time and place to share.

Relationship Wisdom – Think Before You Speak

October 30, 2013 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

woman with book — Photo by Fa Barboza on Unsplash

When you have been in a relationship for a while, you might have noticed that the way you say things to your partner has changed from the beginning. What happened to the adoring conversations with this wonderful man who did everything for you? What about the sexy chats with the super cute woman that you date? Change is inevitable. How you choose to communicate however is your choice.

Think before you speak

In general the more comfortable we become with someone, the more real we also allow ourselves to be. This means not only allowing the weaknesses and vulnerabilities, we otherwise keenly hide from people, but also the can of worms that opens with all our triggered emotions. This often leads us to say some more or less nasty and hurtful things to the person we love most.

So what can we do? First of all, it is about slowing things down, taking care of our emotionality and speak when we have more control and rationality rather than allowing the heat of the moment to take over. I just came across a night acronym on THINK before you speak, which might help you:

Is it True?
Is it Helpful?
Is it Inspiring?
Is it Necessary?
Is it Kind?

Let’s have a look at each one of those questions:

Is it true?

Often we go by what we assume or feel to be true, it is however not verified content. If you truly ask yourself whether what you are thinking is the truth and not just your opinion, then you might not need to say something or, instead of making a factual statement, you might want to ask a question.

For example: You are always late for dinner!
New question might be: It seems to me that when we agree to have dinner at 6pm it often happens that you come later. Is there a reason for that?

Is it helpful?

Making a snarky comment like: “Why did you leave the bread out on the bench, it will go dry!” might only inflame or discourage your partner’s efforts. Remember the French saying: ‘C’est le ton qui fait la musique’ which means the way your statement will be received depends on the tone of voice and the intent behind what you say. Sometimes you only notice that something you said was not helpful once you have already said it. This is good information to keep in mind for next time. Make a mental note and remember next time.

Is it inspiring?

Think back to the beginning of your relationship and how inspired you were while talking to your partner. Add some more of that into the present moment. This does not mean that you should not tell your wife about the annoying boss at work but if these are the only kind of conversations you have, then you might want to come up with some more inspiring topics.

Is it necessary?

Often we want to get noticed, especially in a relationship, which has become habitual. This will inevitably lead to mentioning things or making a point about something that is rarely necessary. Choose your battles wisely. If it is not necessary, let it go. You are not only doing your relationship but yourself a favour.

Is it kind?

Most snarky, making-a-point kinds of comments are not kind. They might be spoken with seemingly kind words but the reality behind the words is seldom kind. This question will hopefully also inspire you to think not just about the words but also about the way you say something important.

You might not be able to say ‘yes’ in response to the questions regarding all the things you want to say. The fact is that being in a relationship may mean you need to say things, which are necessary and true but not inspiring or kind. Whether things are helpful is also often a matter of the distance from which you look at what has been said.

All in all

Being reminded that we are in a relationship with the person we most love we have the choice to use the words, once we have taken care of our emotional tidal waves. If you are too emotional (for example heartbeat above 100 beats/minutes), my recommendation is to postpone any conversation until you both had time to cool down and settle.

How Much Information Is Needed When Telling The Truth?

December 25, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Being honest is something we learn while growing up but no one really teaches us how to do it, when it is suitable and when not, and how much information we really need to share when doing it. Let’s have a look at it.

Telling the truth is a good thing

Growing up I remember my parents preaching that telling the truth is a good thing however going through life I have experienced many times that doing exactly that has brought me more pain and sorrow. Once I told a boyfriend that I got to know this new guy that I found interesting and that I would like to get to know him better. My boyfriend didn’t want to hear my truth and walked away. I was in shock! I totally did not expect that.

Tell the truth – now!

Parents want their children to explain what has really happened rather than making excuses. The question really is: What has happened before this situation that made the child believe it couldn’t say what was going on? Usually, children experience punishment, shame, or fear due to past experiences with parents, teachers, or other people of care, which stops them from just telling things as they are.

Even the promise from parents to not punish the child if they only told the truth does not always hold up. Receiving double standard messages doesn’t make it easy…

Time and readiness

I believe that speaking the truth can only happen when 3 conditions are present:

Is what you are going to say about yourself and can you be absolutely sure that it is true?
Is the other person ready to hear what you have to say?
Is it beneficial for yourself and the other person to know?

If you answered one of these questions with a no wait for some better time. This does not mean that you have an excuse to never fess up to something you have done. Be honest with yourself as you answer the questions – honesty with yourself is the first step.

How much detail?

Working with clients in distress has taught me that the amount of detail is another important question in telling the truth. Too much or too little information can be detrimental, depending on the case. If you say too little and leave the rest up to the other person’s imagination you might create more pain than if you speak it all. On the other hand, if you go into too much detail about a sensitive issue, like for example an affair, you might also just add to the hurt as opposed to clear the air.