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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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Why You Will Never Fully Understand My Grief Experience As A Bereaved Mother

February 19, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

woman crouched up
Photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash

The experience of every bereaved mother (or father) is unique and so is their grieving experience. You can never fully understand another bereaved mother’s experience, even if you sit with her through the dark of the night, talk to her for hours, cry endless tears in compassion. I’ve tried. And I might have one advantage: I myself am a bereaved mother.

Let go

As much I have been hoping that I could, I can’t fully understand what another bereaved parent is going through. I still do my best at understanding the bereaved families I’m working with and according to them, I’m doing a great job but I have let go of the unattainable: to totally and utterly understand their despair.

In that letting go, there is something else that opens up, something with far greater potential. Rather than trying to enter their experience and in that wondering how that would feel within me, I stay with them. It takes courage and compassion to totally be with someone else, without an ounce of the self who is ‘wanting to make it better for them’ or ‘helping’ them. After all that’s my job, supporting them in finding healing. But here is the thing: the pain of missing someone who is no longer physically present is not something that needs healing or fixing.

Grieving parents have something in common. They must continue their life without seeing their babies grow up to be children or their children to grow up to become adults. Grief is like unrequited love but one where the relationship hasn’t ended even though the person has left and is not contactable. That’s the paradox of child loss.

What if I’m not a bereaved mother?

As someone who hasn’t experienced the loss of a child, you can still be there for bereaved parents. You can walk side by side with them and support them with your love. You don’t need to understand their experience to accept how they express or live with it.

So, be there. Don’t try to fix them but stay with them through the darkness. The presence you show by your willingness to fully be there, is enough. You are enough, even if you don’t fully understand the grief experience.

Filed Under: child loss, depression, emotions/feelings, grief/loss, grieving parents, health Tagged With: grief and loss, griever, grieving parents, supporter, understanding grief

Four Ways You Can Support Someone After Loss

January 15, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Grief is Homeless Love
Handlettered Quote by Nathalie Himmelrich

In my book Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple I wrote about ‘The Art of Presence’: “Be there, not merely in the moment of crisis. Walk alongside me in the months and years to come. Allow me my process of healing. Sit with me in the moments of painful emotions and the darkness of depression.”

Recently I have become more and more aware of the powerful healing that can occur if we just practice the Art of Presence.

So here is what I have found to be the important four things you can do for a friend who has experienced the loss of someone they love – and you might like to share this article with them, if you agree:

  1. Be there
    Sounds simple. Is it simple? It needs practice, practise to stay with someone in pain, practice to just be. Accept that you might be feeling uncomfortable in the other person’s pain, it’s ok, you may still remain there with them. You don’t need to do or say anything, just your presence will be appreciated.
    It is an illusion that in times of crisis people need space. Respect someone’s wish, if they tell you so. Otherwise, be present.
  2. Witness the pain
    Bereaved people might openly show their sadness and grief. Others might show strong emotions like anger and rage at the injustice of death having taken their loved one too soon.
    Allow your friend’s pain. Welcome their tears. Welcome their strong emotions. A person expressing strong emotions is relieving tension, it is a normal and healthy reaction unless they are likely to harm themselves or others.
  3. Remember the loved one
    After the loss, people often want to talk about their lost loved ones. Grieving Parents want to talk about their baby, their child. Remember their loved one with them. Mention their name. Talk about your memories. People are often afraid of the potential of increasing the bereaved person’s pain. Let me tell you, your mentioning the loved one’s name cannot increase the pain that they have already experienced through the loss. Even though the mentioning of my daughter’s name brought sadness, it also brought joy to my heart that people remembered and spoke about her.
  1. Saying less is more
    Do not try to fix their pain by saying something to cheer them up or attempting to remind them to be grateful of what the still have. There are so many statements made in a helpless attempt to relieve the person’s pain. Those sentences might be intellectually true but they are emotionally barren. This is why they hurt. Intellectual truth does not mend a broken heart.

I recently heard this beautiful statement, said to a friend of mine by the priest who buried their son:

Grief is homeless love.

Let the grieving people tend to the homeless love in their broken heart.

This article was first published March 2, 2016 in Still Standing Magazine.

Filed Under: child loss, counselling, emotions/feelings, grief/loss, grieving parents, Uncategorized Tagged With: art of presence, grief and loss, grief support, supporter, supporting a bereaved person

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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