think

woman with book — Photo by Fa Barboza on Unsplash

When you have been in a relationship for a while, you might have noticed that the way you say things to your partner has changed from the beginning. What happened to the adoring conversations with this wonderful man who did everything for you? What about the sexy chats with the super cute woman that you date? Change is inevitable. How you choose to communicate however is your choice.

Think before you speak

In general the more comfortable we become with someone, the more real we also allow ourselves to be. This means not only allowing the weaknesses and vulnerabilities, we otherwise keenly hide from people, but also the can of worms that opens with all our triggered emotions. This often leads us to say some more or less nasty and hurtful things to the person we love most.

So what can we do? First of all, it is about slowing things down, taking care of our emotionality and speak when we have more control and rationality rather than allowing the heat of the moment to take over. I just came across a night acronym on THINK before you speak, which might help you:

Is it True?
Is it Helpful?
Is it Inspiring?
Is it Necessary?
Is it Kind?

Let’s have a look at each one of those questions:

Is it true?

Often we go by what we assume or feel to be true, it is however not verified content. If you truly ask yourself whether what you are thinking is the truth and not just your opinion, then you might not need to say something or, instead of making a factual statement, you might want to ask a question.

For example: You are always late for dinner!
New question might be: It seems to me that when we agree to have dinner at 6pm it often happens that you come later. Is there a reason for that?

Is it helpful?

Making a snarky comment like: “Why did you leave the bread out on the bench, it will go dry!” might only inflame or discourage your partner’s efforts. Remember the French saying: ‘C’est le ton qui fait la musique’ which means the way your statement will be received depends on the tone of voice and the intent behind what you say. Sometimes you only notice that something you said was not helpful once you have already said it. This is good information to keep in mind for next time. Make a mental note and remember next time.

Is it inspiring?

Think back to the beginning of your relationship and how inspired you were while talking to your partner. Add some more of that into the present moment. This does not mean that you should not tell your wife about the annoying boss at work but if these are the only kind of conversations you have, then you might want to come up with some more inspiring topics.

Is it necessary?

Often we want to get noticed, especially in a relationship, which has become habitual. This will inevitably lead to mentioning things or making a point about something that is rarely necessary. Choose your battles wisely. If it is not necessary, let it go. You are not only doing your relationship but yourself a favour.

Is it kind?

Most snarky, making-a-point kinds of comments are not kind. They might be spoken with seemingly kind words but the reality behind the words is seldom kind. This question will hopefully also inspire you to think not just about the words but also about the way you say something important.

You might not be able to say ‘yes’ in response to the questions regarding all the things you want to say. The fact is that being in a relationship may mean you need to say things, which are necessary and true but not inspiring or kind. Whether things are helpful is also often a matter of the distance from which you look at what has been said.

All in all

Being reminded that we are in a relationship with the person we most love we have the choice to use the words, once we have taken care of our emotional tidal waves. If you are too emotional (for example heartbeat above 100 beats/minutes), my recommendation is to postpone any conversation until you both had time to cool down and settle.

person in sunset raising her fist — Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

Whether you believe it or not: we all have personal powers that make us powerful beyond means. You might not have physical strength like superman or the genius strike of Einstein but you have the power to think, believe, feel, act and say what you want.

Victor Frankl described in his book ‘Man’s search for meaning’ that people couldn’t take away his choice over his attitude and the meanings he places on the events in his life. He was a prisoner in a concentration camp during the Second World War, definitely a more challenging surrounding for such findings where he observed the psychological effects of being a prisoner.

I have the last say over what I think of feel!

Even though most of us nowadays don’t have to live through the hardship of being a prisoner, our current day-to-day circumstances might be enough to make us feel imprisoned. Especially if you allow them to do just that.

Freedom in harvesting your personal powers

We all have four personal powers: The power of emotions, thoughts, speech and actions or behaviour. And this is where Victor Frankl found that even though you might not be able to change your current circumstances, no one can take away your attitude about the situations, your personal powers.

The meaning of the four powers

Once you realise and take total responsibility for your emotions or feelings and thoughts you come to realise that you alone have control over them. We often hear sentences like: ‘You made me feel sad…’ which in fact is not true. Without your conscious or unconscious consent, no one can make you feel anything. They might trigger something within you, but the cause is in YOU. If you feel it, it is YOURS. Imagine facing a situation with your friend and both of you have a different emotional reaction – this is the proof that the situation, however disturbing it might be, is not the cause for your emotional reaction, but merely the trigger.

The same applies to your speech, actions and behaviour. What you say and do is your responsibility. This is what we teach children growing up from an early age: think about the consequences of your words and actions.

Locus of power must be inside of you

Once you have truly accepted total responsibility for your four powers, the locus of these powers must be inside of you and not with your partner, parents, boss, friends etc. Only then are you no longer dependant on their approval or opinions.

Remember: There is always a chance that with whatever you do or say you might disagree with someone somewhere.

I would like to acknowledge Dr L. Michael Hall’s work on self-actualization, which is where I first came across the idea of ‘Personal Powers’.

Relationship Wisdom – Think Before You Speak

Your Personal Powers