Having Lost and Being Lost

I have lost…
I am lost…

I say ‘I lost my child’ or ‘I lost my mother’ but the fact is that really
I have lost trust in the world, as I knew it before I became acquainted with death.
I say ‘I lost my child’ or ‘I lost my mother’ but the fact is that really I am lost. Grief makes me feel lost again and again.

• I have lost trust in the world, as I knew it before I became acquainted with death.
• I have lost faith that good things will happen.
• I have lost the belief that things will turn out well in the end.
• I have lost motivation to persevere with certain things.
• I have lost the ability to live free of worries.
• I have lost the tenacity to follow through and be vigilant.
• I have lost the zest of life I used to experience.
• I have lost energy to socialize and to manage long conversations.

Just recently I was wondering about the physical changes that happen following the onset of dealing with grief after a loved one dies. I experience myself as a different person, inside and out. The meanings I place on situations, things and people have changed. I don’t get attached to things the way I used to. I hear myself think ‘what’s the point of that’ ever so often. I am no longer gullible to bullshit people say. I have noticed previous friends disappearing and new friendships building at a rate unparalleled to what I was previously used to. Maybe it’s me? Or maybe it’s people’s inability to deal with me going through grief? I don’t know, maybe a bit of both.

I describe myself as being ‘less socially digestible’: I no longer sustain long meaningless chit-chats; I no longer do things out of reasons other than I really want to do them and I more often say what I truly think and feel, even when this means that someone is upset. I have reduced the amount of times I follow socially acceptable or expected behaviors or words. I cannot say if that is all but I can relate to other grieving people’s word I have read about ‘inconveniencing others with grief’. The experience of grief has changed me. I have changed in the face of death.

I do understand the inability to fully comprehend the grieving person’s journey. I have accompanied hundreds of clients in their journey of dealing with different stories of loss. I have been trained to work with grief and loss. Yet nothing could have prepared me for the personal impact of my journey. Theory and client experience has tenderized my heart for the tremendous journey one has to go through yet my personal experience has truly broken my heart open in compassion for the grieving.

As I say this I am also aware of the personal journey that each and every grieving person has to embark on. Having read numerous stories of people traveling on their road through their grief there are similarities as well as differences. Individuals are trying to deal in their own personal way with the enormous task of continuing living without a loved one. This is grief.

Today
Having interviewed many individuals and couples as part of the series on “Grieving Parents dealing with the Loss of a Child” parents have shared about the healing effect of being able to tell their story to someone actively listening to them. So for today, try it for yourself:

Remind yourself of your own unique story of loss.

• What is lost? Think about what is lost in your self, in the outside world, in life’s experiences etc.
• What has changed? What hasn’t changed? How have you changed? How do you experience the world has changed around you?

When you are ready, ask yourself:

• What has this experienced taught me so far? What have I gained? What new understandings and beliefs have I acquired? What new friends or acquaintances have I made through this?
• What would I like to change for the better, which is in my reach or part of my abilities? What do I need to support myself?

Answer these questions at different stages throughout your journey and see what and how things are changing and shifting. Accept yourself for where you are at and reach out for support if needed.

Support is the basis of a healthy grieving experience.

Interested in more? Visit www.grievingparents.net or www.facebook.com/grievingparents.net

This article first appeared in Still Standing Magazine on June 2, 2014.