grief/loss

Time To Grieve – How Long Will My Grief Last?

January 31, 2020 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Time To Grieve – How Long Will My Grief Last?

How long will I be grieving the death of my child? How long will my grief last? When will I feel better? Is there a time to grieve? Is it true that I need to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’? What does ‘moving on’ look like?

How much time to grieve do I have?

I have been asked these and similar questions for years. Just last week, a member of the Grieving Parents Support Network asked:

“Hi. Do you know of any articles about ‘how long the grieving process is for losing a child’? I was told ‘fresh grief’ takes about 2 years and another said it takes 5 years. My adult daughter passed away 6.5 months ago.

When I post something about her on Facebook one was telling me I need to move on – that’s what my daughter would want me to do. Others haven’t been quite so blunt, but the message is still clear.

These comments hurt and make me angry. What shall I do? Ignore them or try to respond with a message about how hard it is to lose a child and that it takes a long time? I don’t know what to do.”

The question showed me a couple of things:

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Comparing Grief – Can It Be Helpful?

December 19, 2019 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Comparing Grief – Can It Be Helpful?

Comparing grief is something we all have done at some point.

“But you’ve only had a miscarriage.”
“I experienced the same when my grandpa died.”
“My stillbirth was … in comparison to my miscarriages.”
“I cannot imagine losing a teenager.”

All these are comparisons: a miscarriage versus a stillbirth or neonatal death, the experience of the death of a child versus the death of grandpa, my stillbirth versus my miscarriages, the loss of a teenager versus another loss (or no loss).

Invalidating

Statements that include a comparison are often uttered without any bad intention. They are often an opinion of someone from what they understand or not understand from their vantage point in life.

In many cases, they are helpless attempts at dealing with the unimaginable grief that follows a loss, your own or someone else’s.

In many cases, however, a comparison is invalidating someone’s experience and feelings. No matter the kind of loss, it involves grief and pain.

We cannot truly know what someone else is going through, even if our losses involve the same person or the person in the same relationship (for example grandpa).

Even after an extensive exchange with our partner in regard to the loss of our child we only know what they have shared. And even then, we only have ‘what we understood’ and not ‘what they truly meant’.

Gaining perspective

If the comparison helps you to see something good and helpful for yourself, then it can be helpful – but only to yourself.

For example, Katja, one of the contributors of the book ‘Surviving My First Year of Child Loss’ said in an interview: “I know the murderer of my child, I know he’s in jail and I’ve got a trial coming up. Some other parents don’t have that option.”

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What Shall I Write When A Baby Has Died?

November 26, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

What Shall I Write When A Baby Has Died?

Writing a card for a baby who died? If yes, what shall I write?
I don’t want to upset the parents…

Today, this great and important question reached me by email.

I have a friend who has just given birth to twins very prematurely. One of them was unfortunately born dead and the surviving twin is understandably very ill. I want to send a card to them but also want to congratulate them on the birth of their surviving daughter at the same time acknowledging the death of the other. Any thoughts of a message I could use?

I can only answer from my personal experience and my preferences.
Obviously you should always take cultural, religious and societal differences into consideration when writing a card.
Think about the parents’ situation and not yours (in terms of religion, for example).

Acknowledge the babies and parents

First of all: always acknowledge the babies born, born alive and born still.

When I gave birth to my twin girls, I loved and appreciated those people who sent me cards congratulating me to twins.

“Congratulations to the birth of your [two] daughter, sons, children.”

“New parents are being born – congratulations to the birth of [names].”

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Surviving Child Loss As a Couple

October 11, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

The loss of a child is without any doubt one of the most challenging experiences I have gone through in my life both personally and in my relationship.

The most important aspect I have found through my survey of more than a hundred people and through interviewing parents one-on-one are:

Understanding different ways of grieving
Accepting the differences
Allowing each other time to grieve.

The 5 steps to survive your loss as a couple

Grief and death are topics that make a lot of people uncomfortable. Since you and I have both experienced the loss of a child, we know this from personal experience. You as a couple have a common source for your experience of loss. Nonetheless, even though the source may be the same, the experience itself can be very different. When, where, and how the experience differs is the point at which you need to keep working with each other to stay connected.[Tweet “What do you really know about your partner’s way of grieving?”] [Read more…] about Surviving Child Loss As a Couple

10 Things About Helping Children Through Grief

September 17, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Supporting-Children-Through-Grief — Supporting Children Through Grief

Children are affected by the loss of a loved one, just as we adults are. Depending on their age and maturity, they will have different needs and show various symptoms. Siblings might respond in a similar manner or some seemingly not as much.

1. Support according to age and maturity

All children are affected, how and if they show it can be quite different. Young toddlers might not consciously know what’s going on, nor cognitively understand death, but they respond to the parents’ emotional state. Teenagers understand and often deal with death in their own personal way. Choose support for your child according to their personal needs, age and maturity.[Tweet “Why Everyone Wins When You Put Your Oxygen Mask on First”]

10 Things About Relationship Changes With Grief

September 10, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Grief and loss changes many things and the people directly involved. There is no doubt that it also changes the relationship dynamics between directly involved people, as well as the way friends and family interact with the bereaved and vice versa.

1. The world has changed

The world of a bereaved person changes dramatically following a loss. The way they see and interpret what has happened influences their worldview.

2. I have changed

Many bereaved people are challenged with the way they personally are changed after a loss. There is a term, describing the time post loss as the ‘New Normal’, which in most cases feels anything but normal.[Tweet “Relationship change, with or without loss”]

3. My partner has changed [Read more…] about 10 Things About Relationship Changes With Grief