grief/loss

💭 I daydream…

September 15, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich 18 Comments

I daydream about … 💫 who they would have become ✨

Last night I went to Ananda Mae’s parents’ evening at the school. Every parent had to introduce their child given it was a new formation of kids.

As I heard the other parents describe their child, mentioning their siblings, I went off daydreaming about AM’s sister, A’Mya.

Who would you have become? What would it be like for the two to go to the same school, or even class? To share friends, experiences, and birthdays?

Just the other day Ananda Mae had asked me to daydream with her about her sister. She asked exactly those questions. “Mum, would A’Mya look just like me?” “I imagine very similar, given you are identical twins,” I replied.

Go ahead, daydream

Daydreaming about a future that cannot be is a way of remembering. Remembering your loved one. Living a relationship, learning to be in a new relationship when the kind of relationship we would have wanted to live is no longer possible.

Whoever came up with the notion ‘not to grow up the child/baby who died’ (I remember it was a therapist 🤦🏽‍♀️ – not me though) was wrong. It is completely normal and natural to do so, at least in my experience and the experience of her surviving twin.

Thank you for being right here and now with me 🕊

October – Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Month

August 30, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

PAIL support infographic — Image by Nathalie Himmelrich

October is International SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (and also Breast Cancer Awareness Month). This article will shine a light on the history and meaning for our community, and provide a resource of events and projects you can take part, if you wish, to make this month meaningful for you. It will also offer a list of ways you can support yourself.

History

According to Wikipedia, the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Movement began in the United States in 1987. On October 25, 1988, American President Ronald Reagan designated the entire month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. (Read more about the history here.)

In 2007, Congressman Tom Latham of Iowa introduced a House Resolution supporting the Goals and Ideals of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, October 15th, and called on the President of the United States to issue a proclamation encouraging the American people to honour this special day of remembrance.

October 15^th and the Wave of Light

On October 15^th, now called Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (PAILRD), at 7:00 pm in all time zones, families around the world will light candles (and leave the candle burning for at least an hour) in memory all of the precious babies who have been lost during pregnancy or in infancy. Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss.

If you or someone you know has suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss due to SIDS/SUID, prematurity or other cause, we hope you will join us in this national tribute to create awareness of these tragic infant deaths and provide support to those that are suffering. For suggestions, check out the image and please feel free to share it.

The Relationship Between Trauma & Grief

August 24, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich 2 Comments

Many of the people I have been working with have shown signs of Trauma & Grief intertwined. So, you might wonder, what is the difference and how do I know whether I or someone else is experience grief, trauma, or both?

Defining experiences

Normal Grief, as defined by MedicineNet, is: The normal process of reacting to a loss. The loss may be physical (such as a death), social (such as divorce), or occupational (such as a job). Segen’s Medical Dictionary says: Grief over the loss of a loved one begins to fade into adequate coping mechanisms within six months. This is obviously a very general definition. It leaves me wondering what they define as adequate coping mechanisms. It also does not incorporate the fact that it is highly dependent on which loved one it is (child, parent, partner, or friend?) or through what circumstances the loss occurred (old age, illness, accident, or, for example, murder?)

There is no such thing as ‘normal’ grief. Grievers know that there is nothing that feels normal in their experience. Grief makes them feel like they are going crazy. Normal Grief is grief that follows expected reactions and responses (check out Chapter 2 – Understanding Grief and the Bereaved in the book Bridging the Grief Gap). From a therapeutic point of view, grief progresses in a normal way when the bereaved gradually moves towards acceptance of the loss, and, as time goes by, they are able to re-enter life and engage in daily activities. It can also be called Uncomplicated Grief.

Traumatic Grief is a normal grief response to a loved one’s death that is perceived to be horrifying, unexpected, violent, or traumatic. This includes accidents, murder, abduction, abuse, or cruelty happening to the loved one. Trauma needs to be treated as well as the grief response. The distress experienced may be severe enough to impair daily functioning.

Trauma isn’t what happens to you
It is what happens inside of you as a result of that.
Gabor Mate

Grief, trauma or both?

If you or someone else is experiencing a loss that is paired with horror, violence, or happened suddenly, out of order, or unexpected there is also trauma involved.

Trauma is stored in the body, in the tissue, in the muscles, bones, ligaments. It leads to people’s responses that can be classified into four categories:

fight
flight
freeze or
submission

Most often we are used to or have heard of the fight or flight reaction to trauma. In the event of traumatic loss, freeze is more often the case. Traumatic loss often leaves people helpless, hopeless, overwhelmed, and in despair.

It is important to be aware of the trauma aspect and have support in treating not just the grief, but also the trauma.

Permanent change

Grief changes people. They see life in a different light and speak a different language. One sentence I hear from grievers over and over: “I will never be the same again.” And even though they can’t know for sure what happens until the end of their life, they express the immensity of the effects of the life-altering experience: a significant loss.

Having studied trauma and the effects on human beings, I’ve come to realise that even though not all losses are experienced as traumatic many grievers grapple with the effects of the trauma related to their loss. The following paragraph is a summary of the effect of trauma in relation to loss, and its neuroscientific effect on the brain.

Following the death of her dad, journalist Amy Paturel wrote a story which appeared in the Discover magazine called The Traumatic Loss of a Loved One Is Like Experiencing a Brain Injury. “According to a 2019 study published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, grievers minimize awareness of thoughts related to their loss. The result: heightened anxiety and an inability to think straight” wrote Paturel. Additionally, Paturel shares scientists increasingly view the experience of traumatic loss as a type of brain injury.

Grief affects the brain. The loss of someone meaningful is a stressor that triggers the pituitary gland to release adrenocorticotrohin (ACTH). This sends a signal to the adrenal glands to release cortisone, a stress hormone. Given that the stressor isn’t temporary but intense, the body remains flooded by cortisone. This can cause your immune system to falter which leads to a run-down feeling. A traumatized brain leads to the primitive areas (including the fear centre) being overactive adding to feelings of stress and despair. Higher cortical areas are underactive, for example, the area that regulates emotions.

“The problem isn’t sorrow; it’s a fog of confusion, disorientation, and delusions of magical thinking,” writes Lisa Shulman, a neurologist at the University of Maryland School of Medicine, in a blog post for Johns Hopkins University Press about her book Before and After Loss: A Neurologist’s Perspective on Loss, Grief, and Our Brain. Shulman also explained that the emotional trauma of loss results in serious changes in brain function that endure.

References:

Paturel, Amy (2020). The Traumatic Loss of a Loved One Is Like Experiencing a Brain Injury,

https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/the-traumatic-loss-of-a-loved-one-is-like-experiencing-a-brain-injury

Shulman, Lisa (2018). Before and After Loss: A Neurologist’s Perspective on Loss, Grief, and Our Brain, MD: Johns Hopkins University Press

Photo by Shifaaz shamoon on Unsplash

Best Questions to ask – Supporting Questions

August 9, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich 2 Comments

“The answers you get depend on the questions you ask.”
― Thomas S. Kuhn, Author of the book The Structure of Scientific Revolutions

Supporting yourself or someone else through the throws of grief and trauma really depends on the conversations that are happening, inside and outside. It is about the thoughts we have in our minds and the questions we ask those we are supporting.

In order to understand the power of questions in grief support, let’s look at the most important three different types, adapted to the situation of grief, loss, trauma, and the support with those situations.*

Closed questions

Closed questions often invite a one-word answer, such as ‘yes’ or ‘no’. For example, ‘did she die immediately?’ or, ‘did you feel numb?’ They could also include answers to factual or multiple-choice questions, such as ‘how old was he when he died’, or ‘does it hurt more in the morning or in the evening?’

These questions are easy to answer and don’t require much detail. They, however, don’t really invite the person asked to open up about how they feeling or to share what they would need to talk about.

Useful for: getting a quick answer, not overwhelming the other person

Be mindful that: these questions do not open up for a deep conversation

Open questions

Open-ended questions can’t be answered with a simple yes or no response. They require a little more thought and readiness from the questioner to the potential of emotionality this might bring up in the person asked. These kinds of questions however also encourage wider discussion and elaboration. For example: ‘what do you think of the doctor’s advice?’ Or ‘why did you choose that kind of treatment?’ Or ‘what does it bring up for you to be without your mother on Mother’s Day?

Useful for: critical or creative discussion, finding out more information about a person or subject

Be mindful that: open questions can elicit emotions but also really allow the person to share from their heart, which is important

Probing questions

These questions are useful for gaining clarification and encouraging others to tell you more information about a subject. Probing questions are usually a series of questions that dig deeper and provide a fuller picture. For example: ‘when would you like me to come over, or would you like to give me a call when you are ready?’

Useful for: seeing the bigger picture, encouraging a reluctant speaker to tell you more information, and avoiding misunderstandings

Be mindful that: they need to be asked with sensitivity as the griever or traumatized might easily feel criticized or attacked for their way of dealing with their situation

A word on tone

Did you know that we take more than half of the meaning of a conversation out of body language? In addition, tone, context, and intonation, all help us make sense of what is being asked of us. But what happens when you throw technology into the mix and place a digital screen between the interlocutors? All those over 50% of the message carried by body language, tone, and intonation gets lost in translation.

Emojis and gifs have made their way into conversations everywhere. They can be useful but also lead to misunderstandings. Generally, I would always, if possible, prefer talking face-to-face with someone in distress over the phone or by text.

With a certain level of carefulness towards tone and a knowledge of how to ask questions in the right way, you can get a lot more out of your conversation.

Best supporting questions for the bereaved or traumatized

Choosing the best and most supportive questions to ask really depend on the circumstances and on the relationship between the people in conversation.

Here are some of those that I have found work really well to get a conversation going:

How are you doing today?
Based on what you know and what works best for you, what would help you the most? (you might like to follow up with 3-5 suggestions, if the person doesn’t come up with an answer themselves)
What has supported or helped you cope in the last few hours/days/weeks/months?

When working with people I found that when I have established a deeply trusting and supportive relationship with the client I can ask almost any question. This naturally is based on my lengthy experience and my sensitivity to the topic of grief, loss, and trauma.

👉🏼 Griever Input

Letting the people surrounding you know what is helpful and what is not is your right. They don’t know better, what you need, than YOU.

👉🏼 Supporter Input

Experience has shown that grieving or traumatized people appreciate being asked with sincerity and the intent of support. They do tell you when they don’t want to talk about certain things. They generally react well to being asked what they need, rather than being told.

*The types of questions are from the article ‘The 8 essential questioning techniques you need to know’ adapted to grief, loss, trauma.

How Did You Survive Child Loss?

July 11, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

This is probably the question that most would want to ask, did they have the nerve to listen to the answer. In fact, some do, because – really, how does one survive the death of one’s own child?

Let me tell you – you will survive this loss.

The perspective of time and the myth of time

Writing this article, I’m now looking back 10 years to the time my daughter A’Mya, the younger of identical twins, died in my arms, just three days old.

But time in itself didn’t do the surviving, the healing.

Grief takes a lot of work. Work dealing with strong emotions, with the bleakness of life without your child, with finding the will to live again, even if it’s hard.

“Time does NOT heal all wounds”, especially not the pain of grief. It does however give perspective because looking back, I can see the gems of wisdom, understanding, and the practice of letting go I have gathered along the way.

The helpful…

So, what specifically does help?

I suggest you try to …

find someone to talk to, preferably someone professionally trained with grief or someone who does understand, because they have been where you are now.
find a community of supportive, understanding companions, such as a peer support group or a grief support group.
find someone specific who you can relate to who is a couple of years ahead of you in terms of their loss and talk to them about what you are experiencing. In the best case, they will normalize what you experience.
find something that you find supports you with strong emotions. This is individually different: for some it is the above mentioned, for others it is reading how others dealt with it, for yet others it is a creative, healing activity or phyisical activity. For me, for example, it was walking in the forest along a stream, which really supported me.
share your story, talk about your child, remember and celebrate them.

And the not-so-helpful…

There are other things that didn’t support me. Some of those, I noticed right away, others only much later. Let’s see if they ring a bell:

people proclaiming grief myths (you can read about some here, here or in the book Bridging the Grief Gap).
people no longer talking to me. I would have wished for them to stick around and say things like: “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here” or “I don’t think I’m a big help… I don’t know what to do” and at least stay in contact with me.
exposing myself to grief triggers early on, in my case identical twins. That really made me angry at the perceived unfairness of life.
people sharing their religious or spiritual beliefs about “there is always a reason for everything” or “God has a plan”. Those sentences really pissed me off!
people implying I should ‘move on’ or be ‘feeling differntly to what I was feeling’.
people giving advice who had no idea of the situation we were in. They were just trying to make themselves feel better.

Do not just survive, thrive

If you’re in your early, raw stage of grief this paragraph might not make sense to you. Believe me, it didn’t enter into the realm of possibilities for me either at that time.

For the first two years, I didn’t even put on any mascara, let alone make-up. I didn’t care. I had a baby to care for and I did my best but I didn’t have the energy for much else. Having said that, we moved from Sydney, Australia to Zurich, Switzerland, 11 months after her loss, so I really don’t remember who on earth I managed that.

I was angry A LOT of the time and remember telling my husband, about 18 months post-loss: “You can leave anytime, I’m stuck with myself.” I was so fed up with the ‘new normal self’ that was supposed to be me. I was angry at my mother, who died of suicide just 4,5 months after my daughter. I wrote a lot, I walked the forest, I growled, I cried and in the second year I was pulled to write the first book, Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple.

In writing that book, I interviewed about 20 bereaved parents and support professionals. I got to see ahead in time as some of them were further out from their loss. I understood more and more about my grief, even though I was already a trained counsellor before my loss.

With time, I found that I didn’t want to just survive this. I wanted to thrive. As a friend of mine says: I wanted to gather all the vitamins this life challenging situation had in store for me. Big sigh. It was hard work, but worthwhile nevertheless.

The Truth About “I’m Sorry”

May 7, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

In the book Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple, in Chapter 12 for the supporters of the Grieving Parent, I suggest the three simplest things to say to a bereaved parent, among a whole list of other do’s and don’ts:

I am sorry for your loss
I am here for you
I don’t know what to say, I’m lost for words

Sparked by the varied feedback I received to “I am sorry for your loss” and in line with what I wrote about in Chapter 10 (Inner Support) on meaning making, I have thought about the different ways in which people understand and perceive that simple sentence.

What does it mean to you?

First of all I have to say that English not being my mother tongue I might have a completely different understanding and meaning that I place upon this sentence. This is however not only specific to people speaking a different language but between any two individuals. Any individual word in fact holds specific meaning to each and every person depending on their history with it.

I remember a course with 400+ attendees who were asked to write down 5 synonyms to the term Love. Not two of the people had five identical words written down and only a handful had three identical words. This shows how individual the meanings are that we place on a topic, in the example love, even one that everyone is familiar with.

For me personally the sentence “I am sorry…” makes sense to me when used in a context where someone is apologizing for their wrongdoing. In regards to my daughter dying there was no one being responsible for her death so even though I understand what the people meant, it didn’t completely fit. Still, it was better than the clichés like “time heals all wounds”.

Think about what it means to you and maybe how the meaning has changed since your child passed away.

I scream if I hear those words one more time!

Every sentence, if heard over and over again, can become stale and over-used. It is in fact the most used statement after loss and can become like a broken record for the bereaved. Especially if it’s not matched with real compassion and empathy, it’s useless.

It is understandable that you might become weary of hearing “so sorry for your loss” from people who have never experienced a similar loss.

Maybe it is the best thing for you to scream, or alternatively start by telling those that matter in an honest way what else you’d prefer they said or did. Yes, I hear your tiredness of educating your surroundings on which satin gloves to wear or what to say or do that would support you.

But honestly – and in quoting famous John E. Lewis statement:

If not us, then who?
If not now, then when?
John E. Lewis

There will come a time – if it hasn’t already – that most things that bothered you at the beginning stages of your grief, won’t bother you anymore. Then it’s too late to help people understand what it is YOU needed then.

The ‘complete list’ is incomplete

Really, there are no perfectly crafted sentences, attitudes, or ways of being which fit all bereaved parents. Just as your baby or child was and is still unique, so are you.

Having said this we, the bereaved parent community, can only benefit if we can help those around find better words, if not for us, then maybe for another couple who has a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, or who lost a child at any age.

Where does that leave you, the supporters, and your desire to know what to do or say?

Whatever my complete list of do’s and don’ts says, it needs to be used in reference to the specific situation and bereaved person. If in doubt, ask the person you are trying to support.

A guide or a list with suggestions is only ever that: a guide. Bring your intuition, at the same time be open to ‘go wrong’ and be humble enough to learn from the bereaved – sooner or later in your life you will be the bereaved missing a loved one and experience grief, even if it’s not for your child.

This article was first published June 3, 2015 in Still Standing Magazine.