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Time To Grieve – How Long Will My Grief Last?

January 31, 2020 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Time To Grieve – How Long Will My Grief Last?

How long will I be grieving the death of my child? How long will my grief last? When will I feel better? Is there a time to grieve? Is it true that I need to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’? What does ‘moving on’ look like?

How much time to grieve do I have?

I have been asked these and similar questions for years. Just last week, a member of the Grieving Parents Support Network asked:

“Hi. Do you know of any articles about ‘how long the grieving process is for losing a child’? I was told ‘fresh grief’ takes about 2 years and another said it takes 5 years. My adult daughter passed away 6.5 months ago.

When I post something about her on Facebook one was telling me I need to move on – that’s what my daughter would want me to do. Others haven’t been quite so blunt, but the message is still clear.

These comments hurt and make me angry. What shall I do? Ignore them or try to respond with a message about how hard it is to lose a child and that it takes a long time? I don’t know what to do.”

The question showed me a couple of things:

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Comparing Grief – Can It Be Helpful?

December 19, 2019 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Comparing Grief – Can It Be Helpful?

Comparing grief is something we all have done at some point.

“But you’ve only had a miscarriage.”
“I experienced the same when my grandpa died.”
“My stillbirth was … in comparison to my miscarriages.”
“I cannot imagine losing a teenager.”

All these are comparisons: a miscarriage versus a stillbirth or neonatal death, the experience of the death of a child versus the death of grandpa, my stillbirth versus my miscarriages, the loss of a teenager versus another loss (or no loss).

Invalidating

Statements that include a comparison are often uttered without any bad intention. They are often an opinion of someone from what they understand or not understand from their vantage point in life.

In many cases, they are helpless attempts at dealing with the unimaginable grief that follows a loss, your own or someone else’s.

In many cases, however, a comparison is invalidating someone’s experience and feelings. No matter the kind of loss, it involves grief and pain.

We cannot truly know what someone else is going through, even if our losses involve the same person or the person in the same relationship (for example grandpa).

Even after an extensive exchange with our partner in regard to the loss of our child we only know what they have shared. And even then, we only have ‘what we understood’ and not ‘what they truly meant’.

Gaining perspective

If the comparison helps you to see something good and helpful for yourself, then it can be helpful – but only to yourself.

For example, Katja, one of the contributors of the book ‘Surviving My First Year of Child Loss’ said in an interview: “I know the murderer of my child, I know he’s in jail and I’ve got a trial coming up. Some other parents don’t have that option.”

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The Healing Is In The Feeling

September 10, 2019 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

The Healing Is In The Feeling

… and that is why it doesn’t help to be told ‘you should just get over it’.

So many times bereaved parents hear sentences that proclaim myths about their grieving and healing. We all have heard those myths, so much so that we have come to believe many of them. So it’s no surprise we, as the bereaved, struggle with healing after loss because it’s so different than portrayed or spoken about in society.

That’s where…

YOU (the bereaved) talking about your loss
YOU being open about your feelings and thoughts
YOU remembering your child
YOU openly sharing your tears when grief is triggered
YOU celebrating your child’s memory
YOU standing tall accepting where you are on your journey with grief

… are making a difference.

You are a grief and healing warrior

You are a hope spreader, truth speaker, way bearer, silence breaker, taboo destroyer, meaning creator, new normal ambassador and a human resilient healer.

Some of the myths, that we have heard for aeons are the following, or versions of:

get over the loss, stop talking about it, move on, forget about it, time heals all wounds, have another baby (in the case of a bereaved parent), think about… (your husband, your other surviving children), keep yourself busy.

As you all know, most of those are not helpful and deny us of our experience that we have to the point were we ourselves say “I shouldn’t be crying…” or “I’m sorry I lost it” when we feel what is a natural part of healing.

Healing is in the feeling. Healing happens one conversation at the time, thought by thought, tear after tear that runs down our cheeks. Healing can also happen by doing something, creating new meaning, putting your brainpower into a project or your physical power into building something. Healing is so varied and often happens without us even knowing it is happening. It also happens when we think ‘I’m feeling worse again’ or ‘I’ve gone backwards’.

Stop denying your experience. Stop giving other people the power to deny your experience. What you experience naturally is just that: natural.

Yes, of course, you can increase your not so pleasant feelings by doing the very thing you know increases it: for example looking at photos, listening to specific music. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do that, it means to be mindful when and how you do it.

So, how can you own your experience? By becoming and being aware of your own emotions, thoughts, actions, behaviours and spoken words. By taking responsibility on those powers and not let those be directed by what other people or society think or feel.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

You Don’t Need To Say Much – Communication Rules

February 4, 2015 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Couple looking at each other — Photo by Davids Kokainis on Unsplash

Recently when coaching a couple regarding their communication I heard myself comment on their way of engaging with each other when listening and heard myself say: “You don’t need to say much in order for someone to feel really listened to.” Having said that, there are some things you need to do or say, even when you are the listener. Let’s have a closer look at the communication rules of active listening.

Rules for Active Listeners:

Maintain contact, depending on cultural traditions this can be eye contact or sitting together
Focus on what the other person is saying
Make sure you have an open body language or try mirroring the speaker’s body language (without mimicking)
Use non-verbal cues (mm-hm, ah, OK) to let the other know you are listening
Put your agenda, your thoughts, to the side while listening
Reflect back to the other person what you think they meant
Do not simply rely on your assumption of what you understood, check with the other person

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Why Your Are Not Successful in Communicating With Your Partner – Issues of Content

January 21, 2015 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

The real reason for communication failures is often the lack of awareness of what is really happening. If you understand what level your challenges truly are and what you are communicating about, whether it is content or structure, you are then able to deal with the real issues. This article will look at the issues of content.

Content issues:

Discussing more than one topic
Referencing past issues
Changing the topic
Assumptions and unspoken expectations
Consciously hiding important information
Adding different seemingly similar situations or topics

Stay with one topic!

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Why Your Are Not Successful in Communicating With Your Partner – Issue of Structure

December 31, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Are you truly listening to me when I’m talking?

Structural issue overview:

Un-resourceful ways of listening

Finishing the other person’s sentences
Lack of supportive non-verbal cues
Inability to truly listen (=active listening)

Un-resourceful ways of talking

Interrupting
Talking in monologue
Different structures of talking
Recycling old issues
Using any of the emotional-based strategies
Unhelpful situations, time or environment

Are you clear whether you are listening or talking?

Listening

The basis of every conversation is speaking and listening. Often, however, all we care about is what I want to say and not what the other person has said. Listening is something we expect to be able to do but if it hasn’t been trained and made aware, we are not truly able to actively listen.

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