Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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Nathalie with Amy Watson on Stillbirth, Miscarriage, and Pregnancy After Loss | Episode 7

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Amy Watson on Stillbirth, Miscarriage, and Pregnancy After Loss

Today I speak with Amy Watson who has experienced a stillbirth and a miscarriage. She talks about pregnancy after loss, how she struggled but also how she supported herself through the different losses. The interesting part of her story is how differently she experienced her two losses and how she managed those differences. 

Amy says:

‘I call it Radical Self-Compassion, which means you love every part of you, including the grief, including the trauma, including the mess that it at all is, because that’s the reality of being a human. We go through these hard things and even if we don’t realise it, we all have these ideas of what it’s supposed to look like and how we’re supposed to be. I mean, that kind of covers at all? It’s like an umbrella: if you’re just really kind yourself. Because sometimes we think, well, if I just love myself when I want to lay in bed, I’ll just lay in bed forever, right? I’ll never get any better. But the opposite is true because if you’re kind and you just give yourself the space to maybe sleep in a little bit, you’re probably going to process through. And end up being able to get going if you want to. Or maybe you lay in bed, and you don’t make it mean anything about you.’

About this week’s guest 

Amy Watson is a certified life and grief coach. She takes her own experiences with stillbirth, miscarriage, and pregnancy after loss and combines them with proven techniques to help moms find themselves again after loss. She shares everything she knows to help you feel more peaceful, confident, and hopeful on her podcast, Smooth Stones. Amy wants all loss parents to know that by making friends with grief, tapping into their own inner voice, and learning to truly love themselves again they will be able to have not just a life to be endured, but one that is full and beautiful. Amy is a sought-after podcast guest, and she loves sharing her story, her babies, and hope everywhere she goes.

Visit Amy here:

Topics discussed in this episode

  • Lauren’s stillbirth
  • Explaining death to Lauren’s siblings
  • Pregnancy after loss and when you know it’s the right time
  • Whom to have on your support team for pregnancy after loss
  • Firefighter and builders – read more in the book Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple by Nathalie Himmelrich
  • River’s miscarriage, complicated D&C with physical trauma
  • Difference between grieving Lauren and River
  • Grieving and faith
  • Radical self-compassion

Resources mentioned in this episode

Links

–> For more information, please visit Nathalie’s website. 

–> Subscribe to the newsletter to receive updates on future episodes here.

–> Join the podcast’s Instagram page.

Thanks for listening to HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA. If you’d like to be updated on future episodes, please subscribe to my newsletter on Nathalie Himmelrich.com

If you need grief support, please contact me for a FREE 30 min discovery session.

HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA is produced and edited by me, Nathalie Himmelrich. 

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Remember to keep breathing, I promise, it will get easier.

Healthy Versus Unhealthy Coping Strategies for Grief

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All of my clients want to know how to deal with their grief and the aim is often and understandably to stop the intense pain.

coping strategies for grief

Healthy grieving strategies

If you have been reading up on it, you have found lists with healthy grief coping strategies, such as, for example:

  • Sharing your feelings: Talking to friends about how you feel can help ease the burden of loss. Let friends know that you don’t expect advice or answers and simply wish to share your emotions or reminisce about the person you’ve lost.
  • Keeping a journal: Writing your feelings and thoughts in a journal not only helps you process grief but also keeps a record of your progression through the grieving process. You can look back on how your view of the loss has changed over time, which can help you see that your bereavement is an ongoing process.
  • Getting creative: Making art, crafting, and playing music are all ways to express your creativity and process overwhelming emotions.
  • Setting aside time to grieve: Scheduling grief might seem counterintuitive, but putting specific time on your daily calendar to grieve can help you fully process intense emotions. Give yourself permission to cry, scream or otherwise display strong feelings during that time, and find a place where you feel free to let yourself grieve without fear of judgment.
  • Avoid making big changes in your life: A major loss causes a lot of upheaval in your life, so it’s best to keep everything else as normal as possible. Hold off on changing jobs, moving, or making other big life decisions until you have worked through the grief process for a while.
  • Exercising regularly: Add physical activity to your schedule to help you release energy as a form of grief expression. You can use a quiet walk or run to calm your body and emotions or punch and kick at a punching bag to work out anger and frustration about your loss.
  • Participating in social activities: Being home alone can leave you immersed in your grief, so make a point to go out to lunch with friends or join a social group.
  • Taking refuge in your religious practices: If you are a regular churchgoer, attending services may help you deal with grief. Private prayer, meditation, and listening to religious music are other ways to cope with the spiritual aspects of grieving.
  • Reminiscing in a healthy way: Your good memories of the person who has passed on can be a comfort during grief. Spend some time looking through old pictures, reading messages from the person who died, or watching videos taken during your loved one’s life. You might also find it helpful to talk aloud or write messages to the person who has died, expressing your feelings directly to that person and maintaining a connection that transcends death.
  • Memorialize your loved one: If the person you are grieving had an affinity for a specific cause or charity, consider volunteering or donating in that person’s memory.
  • Spending time with pets: Animal companions provide unconditional love and comfort that could help you cope with grief. If you don’t have pets of your own, consider volunteering at a local animal shelter to walk dogs or socialize kittens so they are ready for adoption.
  • Joining a grief support group: Being around others who have also recently experienced a major loss can help you share the burden of grief. If your loved one died of a specific illness, such as cancer or heart disease, there might be a local support group for people who have lost someone to that specific disease.

(Source: Three Oaks Hospice)

But at the beginning, in the raw grief period, even little things might be too much to handle.

Unhealthy coping mechanisms for grief

This is also when people often describe using other coping strategies.

Unhealthy coping mechanisms may include: 

  • Denial: refusing to acknowledge your loss or grief.
  • Risk-taking behaviour: this could include acting without thought of consequences and acting out through unhealthy relationships.
  • Substance abuse: turning to alcohol or drugs to numb your feelings.
  • Over or under eating: using food as a tool to numb or distract.
  • Obsessing/Controlling: since you could not control your loss, you may seek to control what you can. 

There can be many factors, including low self-esteem, or a history of untreated anxiety and depression that can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms. There may be a sense of emptiness or lack of safety that makes their loss feel intolerable and this inability to tolerate the emotions leads to those unhealthy behaviours. 

Intense emotions – how to deal with them?

Tolerating intense emotions requires practice, patience, and support. This is where an experienced therapist can support you in working through those intense emotions. By guiding you to understand the grieving process and dealing with obstacles and grief triggers you can experience a resilient way and the belief that you can deal with your grief.

Listen to Kellie Sipos on the How to Deal With Grief and Trauma Podcast on how she dealt with her drug abuse following the loss of her daughter.

Photo by Salman Hossain Saif on Unsplash

The Right Kind of Grief and Trauma Support

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What is the right kind of grief support and how can I find it? This is the question that each and every one of you reading this will have asked yourself.

hands and coffee on table

Where to find support?

I did too when I was freshly bereaved. Luckily I had a wonderful General Practitioner who referred me to a therapist who I, being a therapist, didn’t have to coach on how to be with me, talk to me, and treat me.

Looking back, she was very supportive and, as I later found out, was also pregnant at the time. I don’t know where I would have been without seeing her and being able to have a sounding board checking on my mental health. She made me feel normal in a situation where I felt as if I was going crazy. She helped me gain perspective and start my journey of dealing with grief before my subsequent and traumatic loss of my mother through suicide.

Am I doing grief ‘right’?

My request for my therapist was to help me gain an understanding of grief and loss. I need to know if I was doing it ‘right’. Even though I understood it from a therapist’s point of view and worked with clients facing grief, I was well aware that going through the experience myself was a completely different pair of shoes.

As a couple, we also went to a grief support group led by the hospital at which I had given birth. This was very helpful for both of us. We got to meet other mothers and fathers, who had also lost a child. We could benefit from listening to their situations and their way of dealing with them.

So how can you find suitable support for yourself?

First of all, you need to decide and find out what it is that you need. The following questions can help you:

  1. Do I need or prefer one on one support or group support or anything else that might support me?
  2. If therapy, do I prefer face-to-face, or am I okay with online therapy?
  3. If therapy, would I be better at seeing a male or a female therapist?
  4. If group support, do I prefer face-to-face or an online group?
  5. If group support, do I want to participate or prefer to be in the background?
  6. If neither therapy nor group supports me, what else supports me? Reading, writing, gardening…?
  7. What would you need to be able to incorporate the support that would be best?

Grief and trauma-informed therapy

If you are looking for a therapist and have experienced loss and or trauma, make absolutely sure that your therapist is grief and trauma-informed. What does that mean? Find out whether they have specific training in grief and trauma. You can either check their website on the about us page or ask them when you talk to them. There are multiple different forms of training for trauma some of the ones that I would recommend are Somatic Experience (SE) developed by Peter Levine and the Neuro Affective Relational Model (NARM) developed by Lawrence Heller. you can find practitioners around the world on their practitioners’ websites.

Finding the right therapist

Like any relationship, the therapist-client relationship needs to feel suitable to you personally. You might like to ask a friend for some recommendations. You could also ask for a referral from your doctor, midwife, nurse, or other healthcare providers.

In both of those situations, you still need to try them out to find out whether the two of you are a good fit.

Find out what the therapist offers in a free introductory session or give them a call and ask for 10 minutes of their time to get to know them. (Book a FREE 30 min introductory session with me here.)

Then make an appointment. When you are there sense how this therapist fits you:

  • Does the therapist’s room make me feel at ease?
  • Do I get a feeling of being supported when I speak to them?
  • Do they listen to me, and do I feel validated and understood?
  • Do I feel at ease being there?
  • Do I feel like making another appointment?
  • Does the therapist ask me about my wishes, aspirations, reasons for therapy, and what I would like to achieve through being here?

These questions should be giving her enough information on whether you want to continue therapy with a specific person or try another one.

Grief group support

There are many different grief support groups out there and through the years of COVID people have become used to meeting online if in-person isn’t possible. On the support page, you can find different suggested groups or you can simply search them yourself based on the specific topic that you need support with, for example, pregnancy loss, child loss, loss through suicide, homicide loss, loss of a grandparent, loss of partner loss of a mother, loss of a father, etc.

Finding the right group

In the same way, as therapists need to fit your needs so does a group. If you like to participate in a group, it is good to choose a group that meets regularly either in person or online. If you prefer to stay in the background, there are grief groups, for example on Facebook, where you can read and comment if you like to.

Make sure that the general theme of the group is a fit for you. I personally have noticed that there are some groups who did not fit with me early on because they were too focused on religion. I needed a group that was filled with hope and showed me the potential for healing and integration.

Overwhelm versus support

Remember: When you are in the early stages of grief, you need support. You might be able to find support among your friends or family members but chances are, they too are to some degree affected and overwhelmed and cannot give you the full support you need. Divide your support needs among different people and providers and don’t overload just any one friend. Talk to a therapist, take part in a support group, message a friend. You might find this article on ‘Circles of Support’ interesting to read.

What you need to be mindful of, is your own feeling of overwhelm: Clients have described to me that certain groups are ‘just too much’ for them, or ‘all the stories of other … losing … triggers me’. Again: You need support, so sense inside yourself to find out what truly supports you. You are also not there to support others – that might come later on. To become a skilled bereaved supporter, you might like to read this book.

This really hurt

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image from personal archive

With a pain in my stomach, I write to you today. This week I received an email from one of my subscribers that really hurt.

She wrote:

I wish ppl would stop trying to make money off us. If you’ve known this kind of tragedy (losing your only child) you know there are setbacks, depression, loss of job, spouse, etc. It’s so unnecessary. So I’m unsubscribing and marking spam.

It pains me to be misunderstood, my passion to be taken the wrong way.

I do know of setbacks: I have experienced the loss of a child, dealt with trauma from the aftermath of my mother’s suicide, sexual abuse, and burnout. And – most recently – divorce.

This is part of why I’m doing what I’m doing!

I want to be honest with you: This is my passion:

–> to support YOU who are dealing with grief and trauma.

It is my life’s work.

My heart is in my work

Still, I also earn my living from supporting people: working with clients, writing and selling books, giving courses. All of this requires my time and my creative work.

It requires investment in my personal as well as professional resources outside of myself. For example:

  • costs for book self-publishing: cost for a editor and interior designer,
  • costs for my therapeutic work: on-going professional training and memberships,
  • everyday business expenses such as: web hosting, book keeping and accounting, membership for the platform that sends you email newsletters.

…just to name a few.

I also do and have done a lot of unpaid work for the community and outreach work, donate my books regularly to grief support groups, give away free spots on my courses, etc. I feel in balance.

My work is not only born from personal life experience, it is grounded in solid professional training and years of professional experience.

Making money from people’s pain

If you believe, people like me ‘are making money off people in pain’, you’ve got it the wrong way around:

We are not making money off your pain, we are supporting your healing because we are passionate about healing and are earning our living while doing what is our passion.

Unsubscribe

The subscriber I quoted above did not unsubscribe. I deleted her email address because I do not need to pay to send her stuff she does not want.

Please, if you no longer benefit from the content I provide in my newsletters, unsubscribe through the link at the bottom of the email. No explanation is needed.

And: I’m surprised you’re reading this far.

Much Love ♥️

What Shall I Write When A Baby Has Died?

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table with coffee and letter
Photo by Freddy Castro on Unsplash

Writing a card for a baby who died? If yes, what shall I write?
I don’t want to upset the parents…

Today, this great and important question reached me by email.

I have a friend who has just given birth to twins very prematurely. One of them was unfortunately born dead and the surviving twin is understandably very ill. I want to send a card to them but also want to congratulate them on the birth of their surviving daughter at the same time acknowledging the death of the other. Any thoughts of a message I could use?

I can only answer from my personal experience and my preferences.
Obviously you should always take cultural, religious and societal differences into consideration when writing a card.
Think about the parents’ situation and not yours (in terms of religion, for example).

Acknowledge the babies and parents

First of all: always acknowledge the babies born, born alive and born still. 

When I gave birth to my twin girls, I loved and appreciated those people who sent me cards congratulating me to twins.

  • “Congratulations to the birth of your [two] daughter, sons, children.”
  • “New parents are being born – congratulations to the birth of [names].”

A baby born still

As for the situation when one has been stillborn:

  • “I’m [so] sorry to hear that [name] was stillborn” or
  • “I’m sorry to hear that he/she died before he/she was born.”

I personally wouldn’t use ‘born dead’, even though it’s the reality, it sounds harsh.

A baby that is ill or unsure to survive

As for the situation where the surviving twin or a single baby is very ill (being premature or otherwise):

  • “I send you [courage, strength, love, hope… (chose one or two)] for the time ahead.”

Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Neonatal death, SIDS

A loss is a loss, no matter the age of the child.

If you feel close to someone and know they had a miscarriage, you could write a card. I would.

I have written cards to people for miscarriages and they have been very touched to be acknowledged in this way.

Remember that as a supporter you are supporting the parents by acknowledging them and their baby.
By talking about their baby you don’t ‘remind’ them of something they would otherwise have forgotten.

Don’ts

Refrain from using

  • Any sentences starting with “At least…”
  • Clichés like “Maybe it was for the best.”
  • Advice like “You need to…”
  • Comparison “I know how you feel, I lost…”
  • Thoughtless phrases like “At least you have your other children” or “You will have another baby.”
  • Silver linings like “At least he didn’t suffer.”
  • Advice on how to grieve
  • Beliefs and spiritual phrases like “It was God’s plan” or “She did what she came here to do”

Any of those statements may be said (and believed) by the parents’ themselves – it is their privilege.

10 Things About Grief Support

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hands around a cup
Photo by Dayne Topkin on Unsplash

Grief is an experience we all have to deal with sooner or later. Whether you have experienced it or not, you will eventually have friends and family members who are dealing with a loss. That is when you are in the role of a supporter. The following ten things about grief support are written for the grieving and at the same time, they will hopefully enlighten the supporter’s role.

1. Grief is overwhelming

This applies to the bereaved person as much as to the support person. Keep this in mind and do not over-expect, neither from yourself, nor from your surroundings to know the right things to do and say in every moment.

2. Find the support that is right for you

Whether that is grief counselling, support group, religious support or talking to a friend, make whatever you chose to be suitable to you. Be willing to change, if the first thing you try does not work or stops working for you after a while.

3. Knowing and sharing what it is you need

I have yet to meet someone with a certificate in mind reading. Even people with pretty good intuition will not always know exactly what it is you need. First, find out what it is you need. Second, communicate your needs. Third, find those who are willing and able to support in line with those needs.

4. Apply mindfulness to your expectations in relationship

It’s normal to expect that your closest person, whether it is your family member, partner or children would be best at understanding where you are at. I’m sorry to say but the grieving experience is challenging to understand and makes sense of, even for the closest person: yourself.

5. Grief brings strangeness

Grief has a huge effect of changing yourself, so as much as you are getting acquainted with the post-loss self, so do you friends and family. Grief makes you a stranger to yourself and equally to your surroundings.

6. Be true to yourself

Grieving throws you back to yourself, to take care of yourself. This is the time to be true to yourself, to be selfish – in a good way – in looking after yourself. Do not overwhelm yourself with social outings, if you do not feel up to it. If however you feel it’s doing you good, go for it.

7. Do not let others tell you how to feel

This goes hand in hand with number six: There are no set guidelines about what, when and why in processing grief. Whether you consciously or unconsciously avoid it or go into the experience with full force, it is what it is for you.

8. Ask a professional

Your friends and family members will only be able to give you their opinion. They want you to feel better and get over it. If you need some advice, ask someone outside of your inner circle and get a professional opinion.

9. Think long-term

Against popular belief, grief is not ‘over’ after one year (or any other amount of time). Do not believe people saying: “You should be over this by now.” If you’re dealing with your grief, it may take a long time and you probably re-visit those emotions again and again when triggered. This is normal.

10. Feeling crazy is normal

The post-loss experience is a crazy ride. Lacking concentration, forgetting things, being emotional and lacking stamina is normal. People might think you’re going crazy. This is a temporary state, which is normal while processing grief.

Remember that your friends and family might not be able to support you the way you need it. Find the support that you need and don’t expect your surroundings to fill a role they don’t fit. It does not mean you have to burn those bridges unless you chose to do so.

To find out more about the latest grief resource book, Bridging the Grief Gap, click here.

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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