Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

coaching

What Shall I Write When A Baby Has Died?

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table with coffee and letter
Photo by Freddy Castro on Unsplash

Writing a card for a baby who died? If yes, what shall I write?
I don’t want to upset the parents…

Today, this great and important question reached me by email.

I have a friend who has just given birth to twins very prematurely. One of them was unfortunately born dead and the surviving twin is understandably very ill. I want to send a card to them but also want to congratulate them on the birth of their surviving daughter at the same time acknowledging the death of the other. Any thoughts of a message I could use?

I can only answer from my personal experience and my preferences.
Obviously you should always take cultural, religious and societal differences into consideration when writing a card.
Think about the parents’ situation and not yours (in terms of religion, for example).

Acknowledge the babies and parents

First of all: always acknowledge the babies born, born alive and born still. 

When I gave birth to my twin girls, I loved and appreciated those people who sent me cards congratulating me to twins.

  • “Congratulations to the birth of your [two] daughter, sons, children.”
  • “New parents are being born – congratulations to the birth of [names].”

A baby born still

As for the situation when one has been stillborn:

  • “I’m [so] sorry to hear that [name] was stillborn” or
  • “I’m sorry to hear that he/she died before he/she was born.”

I personally wouldn’t use ‘born dead’, even though it’s the reality, it sounds harsh.

A baby that is ill or unsure to survive

As for the situation where the surviving twin or a single baby is very ill (being premature or otherwise):

  • “I send you [courage, strength, love, hope… (chose one or two)] for the time ahead.”

Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Neonatal death, SIDS

A loss is a loss, no matter the age of the child.

If you feel close to someone and know they had a miscarriage, you could write a card. I would.

I have written cards to people for miscarriages and they have been very touched to be acknowledged in this way.

Remember that as a supporter you are supporting the parents by acknowledging them and their baby.
By talking about their baby you don’t ‘remind’ them of something they would otherwise have forgotten.

Don’ts

Refrain from using

  • Any sentences starting with “At least…”
  • Clichés like “Maybe it was for the best.”
  • Advice like “You need to…”
  • Comparison “I know how you feel, I lost…”
  • Thoughtless phrases like “At least you have your other children” or “You will have another baby.”
  • Silver linings like “At least he didn’t suffer.”
  • Advice on how to grieve
  • Beliefs and spiritual phrases like “It was God’s plan” or “She did what she came here to do”

Any of those statements may be said (and believed) by the parents’ themselves – it is their privilege.

10 Things About Grief Support

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Photo by Dayne Topkin on Unsplash

Grief is an experience we all have to deal with sooner or later. Whether you have experienced it or not, you will eventually have friends and family members who are dealing with a loss. That is when you are in the role of a supporter. The following ten things about grief support are written for the grieving and at the same time, they will hopefully enlighten the supporter’s role.

1. Grief is overwhelming

This applies to the bereaved person as much as to the support person. Keep this in mind and do not over-expect, neither from yourself, nor from your surroundings to know the right things to do and say in every moment.

2. Find the support that is right for you

Whether that is grief counselling, support group, religious support or talking to a friend, make whatever you chose to be suitable to you. Be willing to change, if the first thing you try does not work or stops working for you after a while.

3. Knowing and sharing what it is you need

I have yet to meet someone with a certificate in mind reading. Even people with pretty good intuition will not always know exactly what it is you need. First, find out what it is you need. Second, communicate your needs. Third, find those who are willing and able to support in line with those needs.

4. Apply mindfulness to your expectations in relationship

It’s normal to expect that your closest person, whether it is your family member, partner or children would be best at understanding where you are at. I’m sorry to say but the grieving experience is challenging to understand and makes sense of, even for the closest person: yourself.

5. Grief brings strangeness

Grief has a huge effect of changing yourself, so as much as you are getting acquainted with the post-loss self, so do you friends and family. Grief makes you a stranger to yourself and equally to your surroundings.

6. Be true to yourself

Grieving throws you back to yourself, to take care of yourself. This is the time to be true to yourself, to be selfish – in a good way – in looking after yourself. Do not overwhelm yourself with social outings, if you do not feel up to it. If however you feel it’s doing you good, go for it.

7. Do not let others tell you how to feel

This goes hand in hand with number six: There are no set guidelines about what, when and why in processing grief. Whether you consciously or unconsciously avoid it or go into the experience with full force, it is what it is for you.

8. Ask a professional

Your friends and family members will only be able to give you their opinion. They want you to feel better and get over it. If you need some advice, ask someone outside of your inner circle and get a professional opinion.

9. Think long-term

Against popular belief, grief is not ‘over’ after one year (or any other amount of time). Do not believe people saying: “You should be over this by now.” If you’re dealing with your grief, it may take a long time and you probably re-visit those emotions again and again when triggered. This is normal.

10. Feeling crazy is normal

The post-loss experience is a crazy ride. Lacking concentration, forgetting things, being emotional and lacking stamina is normal. People might think you’re going crazy. This is a temporary state, which is normal while processing grief.

Remember that your friends and family might not be able to support you the way you need it. Find the support that you need and don’t expect your surroundings to fill a role they don’t fit. It does not mean you have to burn those bridges unless you chose to do so.

To find out more about the latest grief resource book, Bridging the Grief Gap, click here.

9 Steps On How To Get Things Done

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diary

Have you ever experienced that some of your tasks never seem to get done, even though they might be important and some even urgent? It is because they trigger some aversion, fear, worry, insecurity or boredom. Here is how you can get them done.

1. Make a list

Put aside 20 minutes and a take a fresh notebook. Start by making a list of all those things that you want to get done. This will create some free mental space and release some of the worries around forgetting them or the repercussions of not completing them.

2. Sort your list

Go through your list and sort your items into four categories:
a) urgent and important,
b) urgent but not important,
c) important but not urgent,
d) neither urgent not important 

3. One off tasks or recurring jobs

One-off tasks may repeat themselves once in a while, like cleaning the garage, shopping for a winter jacket or creating a photo book.

Recurring jobs repeat themselves daily, weekly or monthly, like washing laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills or ironing.

Sort each of the categories a) to d) into one off tasks or recurring jobs.

4. Done automatically or not

Some of the things you’ve written done will get done automatically so you don’t need to spend time on them. Even though you might not necessarily like doing those things, they do not have an aversion big enough attached to them for you to avoid them at all cost.

Those which do not get done automatically need to be scheduled.

5. Scheduling

The tool I prefer to use is the Google calendar. It synchronizes with your smartphone and sends you a pop-up reminder if you set them accordingly.

– One-off tasks: Schedule them according to their urgency and importance into your calendar. Sit down, look over your timing for the coming week, or month and make an appointment with yourself to do one at the time.

– Recurring jobs: Create calendar entries and set them to repeat daily, weekly or monthly. Allow enough time and re-adjust if needed.

6. Pop-up reminders

If you use Google calendar you can add pop-up reminders from minutes to hours and days prior to the appointment you’ve set. Pick as many or few as you need to remind yourself, without annoying yourself with too many.

7. Reminders

I also use the reminders app on the computer and have a weekly schedule list with my recurring jobs. This works well if you feel good about ticking off items you’ve done.

These reminders also have the option to not only remind you of a specific time and date but also at a location. If you need to remember to buy something in a specific shop when you’re next there, set up a location reminder.

8. Dealing with aversion

If you notice aversion and avoidance with certain specific things after you’ve organized them, it is time to seek help in clearing those patterns. There are ways to get rid of them so you will be able to do your tax with much less time spent worrying and avoiding the issue!

9. Plan, plan and re-plan

Many times people stop after their first trial. Remember that 99% of the time the NASA flies to the moon they reprogram their route. If whatever you’ve sorted, scheduled, planned didn’t work out, start by changing and adapting to better suit your needs.

Maybe you need to

  • set more reminders?
  • allow more time?
  • Ask for someone’s help?

Remember:

  • If you work better with rewards, plan them in as well.
  • Do not over-schedule your diary. If you don’t plan time to eat, relax and sleep you will easily feel overwhelmed.
  • If you didn’t do what’s in the diary, re-plan it for the following day or week.

As Marie Forleo says: If it’s not planned in your diary, it’s not real.

The Secret Is In the Words – Choose Them Wisely

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word quote
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

As adults, we create meaning by the words we put onto experiences. “This was the worst day of my life” or “at least you have other children” are just examples of what we either say to ourselves, to others, either out loud or in our thoughts. The more we think about something, the more we believe it, the more it affects us emotionally, the more it creates our emotional, physical and mental state.

Listen to yourself

Once you start to listen to yourself and become sensitized to the verbal flow, you start to wonder whether what you hear is actually what you want to listen to. “This won’t get any better” and “I’m such a loser” often go unnoticed as part of our mind chatter.

Listen to others

When however we hear others speak to us in less than favourable terms, we notice it often more quickly and feel it stronger. Derogatory statement hurt. Comments delivered without grace, even though they are meant well, leave their painful scar. When others continuously speak to us in a way that leaves us feeling unsatisfied, we question or leave the relationship.

The relationship to yourself

You’ve got no choice: you’re stuck in relationship with yourself. The upside: if you decide to change, you only need to negotiate with yourself.

During the writing of my forthcoming book, I have been thoroughly thinking about the words bereaved parents use and the impact it has on their healing. This applies to all of us. What you think and say to yourself is responsible for your state, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Explain, please

The tendency of human beings to favour information that confirms their beliefs is referred to as confirmation bias. This effect is stronger for emotionally charged issues and for deeply entrenched beliefs. We habitually interpret ambiguous evidence as supporting our existing beliefs.

Examples

In the example of the parental bereavement community, you may hear statements like “He lost his battle with cancer” or “My daughter was taken from me”. Looking at the first statement, it presumes that a) dealing with cancer is a battle (sounds a bit like war) and b) death equals losing the battle and c) the situation was him against cancer. To soften or question the words chosen, ask yourself: What else could it be, rather than a battle? What other word would make you feel better, or less defeated? What if the situation was him and the condition side by side, what would that be like? What else could death equate to?

For the second statement, it presumes that a) my daughter is mine and b) death equals taken away. To change the sentiment around those words you can ask yourself: Are my children really mine or just lent to me? Does her death mean that I cannot have a relationship with her, not even in my thoughts?

Let me be clear: All those questions only need to be asked if you want to change something and it feels better afterwards. If this is not the case, simply stay with the thought patterns that serve you.

Something needs to change

That is usually the time my clients start counselling and coaching. They have made the decision that something needs to change. Sometimes it is because something in the outside world leaves them unhappy. For some (or most) it’s easier to see the ‘fault’ in someone else than finding what they can change within themselves that creates change. The truth is, we can only ever work on ourselves.

Healing And Re-Parenting Your Inner Child

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child
Photo by Bekah Russom on Unsplash

Sitting across from my husband and our daughter, while he was reading a bedtime story to her, I was reminded that my dad was not available to me in this way when I was a child. I distinctly remember a sentence he uttered when I was nineteen: “Your mother was responsible for the love in the house and I was responsible for bringing the money into the house.”

Parents are human too

Parents do the best they can with the resources they have at the time. They are not superman or superwoman. As I experience now, parenting is not an easy task, filled with challenges no matter how much I adore my daughter. I have an appreciation for what my parents offered us and I also have to deal with the shortcomings I experienced. One of those was my father’s absence.

Re-parent Yourself

Once you become an adult, it’s up to you to rewrite history. It’s never too late. Even though you can’t change the childhood you’ve experienced, you do have the potential to change what and how you like to imagine it could have been. Having children is a step in re-parenting yourself and healing your inner child if you choose to.

Rewire your brain

As I was watching my husband interact with our daughter, I found myself imagining being the little girl. I was smiling as I imagined being read to, having the attention, getting the story explained with patience and having the total focus on me. I didn’t move nor followed any complicated process. I simply smiled at the process of re-imprinting what childhood could have looked like for me, would I have had a father with more conscious awareness.

Forgiveness

In no moment there was sadness at lost potential or upset at my father. I had dealt with that prior and forgiven my father for his shortcomings. He was unaware and non-intentional. What happened in the past, happened then. Now I was attending to my inner child, re-parenting it from the inside.

Take responsibility

You have the choice in every moment to reminisce the good moments of the past, curse those moments that were not good or start taking responsibility in the present. Every time you remember something you slightly alter the memory. Why not consciously changing them to your advantage?

I am the parent now

If you want to take that responsibility now, start by taking an active role in parenting yourself as an adult. You do this by addressing your needs in a healthy, conscious way, looking after your wishes and self-reflect on what is supporting you now.

What if you could have the childhood you already dreamt of now as an adult?

Drama Triangle And How To Avoid It

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Drama and winners triangle
Image by Nathalie Himmelrich

Getting hooked into a drama happens quickly, especially in close relationships. The following article will help you understand the different roles played and how to step out of the cycle altogether.

What Drama?

Stephen Karpman has first described the drama triangle in an article in 1968.  The model shows the three positions people have often taken in interactions: the victim, the persecutor and the rescuer.

The situation usually starts with a person taking the role of a victim or a persecutor. Once the bait is out, other people are lured into playing the game and take on other roles. The game then continues by the two (or three) players switching roles: the victim turns into the rescuer, the rescuer switches to persecutor or the rescuer becomes a victim exclaiming: I just wanted to help!

See what you made me do?

Recently a client described an interaction between her father and herself.

He found her folding boxes and said: “You can take my cardboard to the recycling as you’re just doing yours.”
She responded in an assertive way by saying: “If it all fits into the car, that will be fine.”
He added: “But otherwise I have to take it all the way to…”

She said: “The recycling place is open tomorrow morning, you can take it on your way.”
He, in an annoyed, angry tone of voice: “Oh well, just forget it. If you don’t want to help me then I’ll just take it all the way to…”

As the example shows, the father switches between the victim (poor me) and the persecutor (passive-aggressive tone of voice). The daughter answered assertively, which is the way out of the drama cycle. At a later stage, however, she became really annoyed at him and his reaction and noticed that he was able to pull her into his game. It didn’t verbally come out but she felt the effect while discussing it in our session.

Let me out of here!

Get over to the Winner’s Triangle! The same triangle has three winner’s positions: The vulnerable one also seen as a creator, aware of their own needs and being able to state them; the challenger, who assertively makes their point without becoming dominating or aggressive; and the coach or nurturer, someone who sees the individual as capable of making their choices or solving their own problems.

Awareness and a conscious shift to the positions mentioned will interrupt the drama cycle and allow you to make informed choices and focus on outcomes instead of problems. This dynamic is much more empowering and will leave you feeling satisfied.