coaching

13 Myths About Relationship Satisfaction

February 5, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

hands intertwined — Photo by Octavio Fossatti on Unsplash

1. Happy relationship = happy self

It is the other way around: Your relationship life is a reflection of your personal emotional state. Your relationship won’t make you happy unless you are.

2. Next time it will be better

If you carry the bricks from your past relationship you will end up building the same house. A new relationship will only be as good as where you are at in yourself.

3. Good sex = satisfaction

Yeah, sure… momentarily. The frequency or quality of your sex life however does not guarantee that you are otherwise satisfied with your partner in daily life.

4. Let’s have a family!

Bringing up children will bring you a fair amount of joy and happiness and probably equal the amount of fatigues, stress and challenge. Introducing a child into an otherwise unsatisfactory relationship will probably tip the balance towards additional stress.

5. If only my partner would…

Your partner needs to change and you would be more satisfied. Clearly. Until you find another reason for needed change.
Related article you might like to read: How to manage the wanting-to-fix-my-Partner’ Pattern

6. Unconditional love is the answer

Sadly, unconditional love is the biggest myth of all! You are in a partnership with someone who fulfills certain criteria and needs. Honestly, otherwise you could be happy with anyone.

7. Open communication will solve everything

Sorry, sometimes it’s better to be silent. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

8. Date nights will bring the spark back

Uninterrupted couple’s time is necessary. Even the most romantic candle light dinner on a sandy beach will only work as much as the two people are prepared to join in.

9. The more sex the better

The key is not the frequency but the compatibility. The problem arises if you have one partner who is sex-driven and other is not.

10. You just got to be honest with each other

Truth is what might be honest in one moment, may be irrelevant in another. Honesty can become an excuse to be tactless or hurtful. Neither brings satisfaction.

11. It is healthy to argue

Without suggesting the opposite, it is also very wise to know when to leave something un-argued.

12. Opposites attract

This is the case in the initial relationship stage but it will make your lasting relationship more challenging, especially conflict resolution style, life style, or libido.

13. Jealousy brings back the lover

Artificially making your partner jealous because you have started flirting with others may create some attention but you haven’t addressed the problem under the surface. Also, it is a rather childish reaction to feeling unloved.

The Five Stages Of Learning

January 29, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich 1 Comment

The following model is used to understand the stages we go through while learning. It is also known as the four stages of competence, or the “conscious competence” learning model. Depending on what source of information you are looking at, it can either be traced back to Abraham Maslow or Thomas Gordon’ Training.

This model provides insight on the psychological states involved in learning a new skill and the process from being unaware of what you do not know to be able to perform the new skill without having to think about it.

Let’s have a look at the 4 stages in the example of “driving a car”:

First Stage: Unconscious Incompetence

My two and a half year old daughter does not know that she cannot drive a car and she probably does not mind, at this stage. She does not know that she does not know how to drive a car: She is unconscious about her incompetence.

Generally speaking, individuals are not too bothered at this stage as they do not recognize the value of learning a skill. When they start to realize the benefit of a new skill, then they move to the next step.

Second Stage: Conscious Incompetence

At some point in time, my daughter will realize that she is not able to drive like Mum or Dad. She might even say that in a few years she will start to drive a car herself. In this stage she knows, that she cannot drive the car: She is conscious about her incompetence.

People want to learn something once they found out what it could mean for them if they knew. This is preceded by the realization that they do not yet have the ability they seek. This is where awareness comes in. If there is an obvious benefit, the individual will be inclined to start the learning and training process, which is the transition to the next stage.

Third Stage: Conscious Competence

When my daughter is 18 years old, she will have started to drive and take her time in practicing the individual skills it takes to become a competent driver. It will take her some time where she pays extra attention while driving. She is very conscious that she now can drive the car (her new competency) but will do it with extra care.

Moving from stage two to three can be uncomfortable as we are in the training and practices stage. This also means making mistakes or failing at times, like stalling the car. With persistence and enough motivation that makes the skill worthwhile, we move to the next stage.

Fourth Stage: Unconscious Competence

After some years, my daughter will drive from A to B without thinking too much about indicating or changing lanes, it will happen naturally as she has refined her skill over time.

This is when a new skill has become “second nature” and we are often able to do other things alongside of it.

Fifth Stage: Reflective Ability over the other Stages

This is the stage of the driving instructor, teacher, coach or trainer. It allows teaching others what they need to move through the stages.

This stage is not part of the original model.

Relationship Wisdom – 15 Types Of Relationship: Which One Do You Have?

January 22, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple with shoes — Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

There is often confusion about the kinds of relationship my clients are in, so let me define them here in this article. Any of these can also be stages you go through in your relationship life.

Truly compatible:

Depending on your definition of the ‘perfect relationship’ this is it. There is a high degree of mutual understanding and acceptance of who and how you are. You are in love and people around you admire you for your connection.

Imperfect:

Something in your partnership isn’t working properly. Either you are challenged by your communication with each other, have a lot of conflict or sexual differences. Couples usually stay together as they are not as unhappy as such. This is a pretty normal stage for any relationship to move through.

Unhappy:

In addition to something not being perfect, you are also unhappy in your relationship. The reasons to stay may be a financial dependency, social expectations or mutual children.

Emotional affair:

You might be sharing personal details or secret with someone without being physically intimate, maybe because you or the other person is already in a committed relationship. Often, one, the other or both fall in love with each other without realizing it.

Sexual affair:

You might be enjoying having sex with someone without emotional attachment or intent to take this to the stage of a relationship. More often an emotional affair is secret when you or the other are in committed relationships already. If it is an openly sexual affair is often referred to as “friend with benefits”.

Asexual:

You are no longer interested in having sex with your partner but otherwise more or less enjoy each other’s company, friendship or shared parenting responsibilities. This can also be a stage that you go through after childbirth or following a hurtful personal or relational situation.

Temporary:

You are with a partner with whom you have little or no intention to build a future. As much as you are “good for now” you know it will not last forever.

Co-dependent:

This is where you are dependent on your partner and cannot function properly without each other. You might change plans or yourself solely to have more time with your partner. Often, co-dependent couples totally forget their friends around them, more than what is normal in the honeymoon stage.

Independent:

The very opposite of co-dependent is when you are mostly focused on yourself, your career, hobby, social life etc. that you are not prepared to make any compromised for each other. Love and relationship is not a priority and mostly just a convenience.

Controlling/dominating:

One partner has a controlling or dominating role to which the other more or less agrees. Dominating a relationship will involve your partner distancing you from your social network and making you feel frustrated, insecure and helpless.

Abusive:

This is where the control or domination has passed the point of a healthy relationship by a long shot. Not only when it has become physically abusive, but also with emotional abusive there is only one answer: get help and walk away. Even if you are convinced that it was a one-off incident, it almost never is.

Volatile:

This can also be called the “love-hate relationship” and can lead to not just verbal but physical violence in conflict resolution. As couples, you might be head over heels in love one day and at your throats the next. This seesaw of emotional outburst sooner or later needs to be addressed otherwise you will destroy your partnership.

Toxic:

There can be many reasons your relationship has become toxic. Here are some possible interactions that are signs: blaming your partner, dropping hints, being passive-aggressive, competing with each other, or emotional blackmail threatening the commitment to the relationship.

Open:

Both partners agree to be emotionally committed but leave each other the freedom to have sex with other people with each other’s consent. This agreement needs to be reassessed regularly to avoid jealousy or other frustrations in the relationship.

Long distance:

Even though you are emotionally connected, maybe Skype twice a day, the fact is that you physically live on two different continents (or cities) and therefore only share limited physical intimacy. This kind of relationship can work for certain types and not for others.

There are other types or stages or relationship to add here, but these are the main ones I often refer to. Please add any others in the comment section.

Meta Programs – All-Or-Nothing Thinking

December 11, 2013 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

never coffee sign — Photo by Randy Rizo on Unsplash

Do you start sentences with “always” or “never” as the second word? That is what is called ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking or generalising. If you happen to think like that you are most likely rarely (or never?) happy with what you have achieved and are highly critical of yourself and others.

Is this me?

If you think in extremes, with no grey areas or middle ground, either like someone or hate them, exercise seven times a week or not at all, then you are very likely an ‘all-or-nothing thinker. Once you start listening you will find yourself saying words like “always”, “never” and “totally”. An example could be: “My boss never listens to me” or “I always get stuck in traffic. [Tweet “Do you find yourself saying words like “always”, “never” and “totally”? Who, me? Never!”]

So what is the problem?

If you are working in a profession where perfectionism is crucial, like for an accountant, then this kind of thinking is an advantage. If however, you are not able to give yourself a break, you will most likely magnify the stressors in your life and make them seem bigger than they are. This can lead to overwhelm and stress-related illnesses such as high blood pressure etc.

Seeing shades of grey

Sometimes it makes sense to focus on seeing the ‘in-between’. For example in relationships, when one partner disappoints the other or has an affair, it is an advantage to look at the situation with more shades than just black and white.

Behavioural flexibility

The aim of meta-programs is to first know oneself and our natural tendencies. Then and if it is beneficial, we want to learn to become more flexible with them so we have a choice of how we act as opposed to re-act in our predominant ways.

I remember working with a couple, where the husband cheated on his wife who was naturally an ‘all-or-nothing thinker. Through our work together she came to a point where she was able to change her natural way of reacting. Rather than chucking him out of the house, she chose to have relationship coaching and address the underlying issues in their marriage. This saved their relationship and allowed them to stay together as a family with their two boys.

How to get out of this thinking pattern?

Ask yourself: “always?” or “never?” depending on what you are thinking or saying. The question of whether there was ever a time when this was not like that. There are not any aspect in human reality that is absolute, except if your thinking makes them like that.

Meta Programs – Discounting and Counting

December 4, 2013 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

making a list — Photo by Cathryn Lavery on Unsplash

Meta Programs are processes that operate at a metal level, which influence other lower mental levels (meta meaning ‘above’). They help you understand how you (and others) make sense of the world, and how you shape your values, beliefs and behaviours. The term meta-programs comes from the world of NLP and is widely used in self-development, coaching and counselling.

Translated into everyday language meta-programs would be ‘thinking habits’. Depending on whom you asked there are almost 100 different meta-programs that have been identified so far (according to L. Michael Hall).

Does this count? Or not?

This meta program is called Discounting versus Counting and looks at how you habitually look at what you have achieved. If you simply think about how you look back at today’s actions, are you noticing and counting the things you have done or rather discounting them by saying something like “ah, that’s nothing” or “that’s normal, everyone has to do this”.

The famous “To Do list”…

Many of you reading this use something to remind you to get things done. It’s usually in list form and states all the errands and things that still have to get done. This list might get updated with more things to do but those items that have been delivered or finished usually disappear without much celebration. You might, for a short moment, be relieved of having done something but then the focus is on “ok, what’s next?”

Have you done enough?

If you suffer from overwhelm, truth is that you are probably sorting much more for the things that you haven’t done and discounting the things that you have. As a ‘human doing’ we have learnt from an early age that we are only ever as good as what we have done. This is a belief worth reconsidering and updating if you still fully stand behind it.

Starting to count

How about a new list called “Things I have achieved list”? This would be the first subtle change toward counting. You might wonder “but what’s the point of that?” which is just another discounting statement. The fact is once we start to really appreciate who we are, what we have and are doing as opposed to beating us up for who we are not, what is left to be done or didn’t have time, we will notice a letting-go, a relaxation and a shift to self-appreciation.

Understanding Self-Overwhelm Pattern

November 13, 2013 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

chaos — Photo by Ricardo Viana on Unsplash

Who does not feel overwhelmed at times? I certainly do, more often than I would like to. Today, I have achieved a higher level of insight on the recipe that leads to a number of my overwhelming moments, which I would like to share with you. Have a think about what aspects of this recipe might also apply to you and you might shift it for tomorrow!

I am feeling so overwhelmed!

In many cases, or from experiencing feelings that you do not like. It also keeps you from achieving things that you really would like to but entail some uncomfortable steps or to get things done that are clogging up your energy because they remain on the ‘to do’ list.

What creates overwhelm?

If you are like me, then too many visual or auditory (or other senses) stimuli will overwhelm you. My 2 year old daughter talking like a chatter box and repeating the same questions like “Mum, scissors, mum, want to cut, mum, mum, mummy, scissors… ” or imagining a task like creating a photo album from the last 2 years of her life with literally thousands of photos stored somewhere on my computer. It can also be a task, which has too many unknown components or steps, or one that needs to be finished in too short a time frame. In your case you might find some loosely related topics that create your overwhelm.

Response and result

A not analyzed or automatic response to overwhelm is something like stress, impatience or thinking ‘this is too much for me’ or ‘I cannot handle this anymore. This may lead to avoiding the task, becoming emotional (angry, annoyed, impatient), suddenly feeling sleepy or finding yourself doing other things (like watching a movie) or turning to food.

Thinking pattern creating havoc

Often, our thinking patterns or ‘cognitive distortions’ are forming a big part of the problem. If you are an ‘all-or-nothing’ thinker you will already have one ingredient for the overwhelm recipe. Another one is being overly ‘other-reverenced’.

What does this mean?

Let me show you how I have done it in the past (until today): information (visual, verbal stimuli) comes into my system. My ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking says: “I always have to respond” and my ‘other-reference’ adds: “… to my daughter” (for example). If I would add another distortion of time, I might add “now” and/or “immediately”. Given my daughter is only 2 year old this might seem very reasonable but thinking about her latest pleasure of cutting anything into small pieces it is not really an emergency to get the scissors now and always.

What and how to change?

First of all, make a list of the stimuli that lead to your overwhelm. Find your personal response and result pattern. Then ask yourself: What would I prefer to have instead? What would I like to feel instead?

In my case, the new desired response was to feel relaxed. I also needed to get clear on HOW to get relaxed because it seemed too impossible to even imagine.

I inserted a ‘self’ check: ‘Do I have enough to give right now?’ If not, and it wasn’t an emergency, I would be allowed to set boundaries and take time to look after myself. This is the antidote to being overly ‘other-referenced’ and it is called being ‘self-referenced with an outside check’. ‘Do I have enough energy?’ is the ‘self’ check and ‘is it an emergency?’ is the ‘outside’ check.

The second step was to ask myself whether I had to or needed to respond to everything she wanted at any given moment.

Often, with an ‘all-or-nothing’ frame we also look at the whole picture, which might become overwhelming, rather than looking for incremental steps to the end result.

It is important to always try on the changes that you envisage and see whether it fits for you. If not, or not yet, you might have to include another step or make some adjustments to the process. Then, when you think it fits, it is time to practice it in real life and get feedback from there.

Give it a try and let me know in the comments how you are going.

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Nathalie Himmelrich