Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

listicle

5 Things I Found Out Since Being A Bereaved Mother

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sad women behind glas
Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

Over the past five and a half years since my daughter died in my arms and I became a bereaved mother I have come to terms with my New Normal (= the post loss self). Initially I struggled and fought, argued and – honestly – hated much of the personal changes that came with loss. Now I’m able see both sides of the medal, live with and accept the changes and even see their potential.

Here is what I found out about myself since becoming a bereaved mother

  1. Seemingly opposite states can coexist
    Strength and weakness, joy and sadness, never before experienced love and overwhelming grief can live inside of me simultaneously.
    Experiencing the love for a newborn at the same time as grieving her sister was so confusing. I was in love at the same time as grieving. I was joyful and sad.
    People experienced me as strong, when inside I felt weak. I wasn’t putting on a face or pretending something I wasn’t. This showed me that being authentic and real is strength.
  2. I’m less social
    Being with a group of people drains me. I prefer one-on-one meaningful conversations over a group of people chatting on a party. Some days I wonder about inviting a bunch of people over and realise that this was something I would have done in the past. The reality of now is I don’t want this anymore.
  3. I can no longer multi task
    Whereas before I was easily listening to music while answering a phone call and writing an email, now it’s one thing at the time. This took time to readjust, I can tell you. As much as I love being productive I now need to take this into consideration when planning things.
  4. I’m more honest and forthright
    Given before I was more people pleasing and diplomatic, this has been difficult to accept for some people. I’m less ‘socially digestible’ but I’m comfortable with this. It’s more authentic, even if not always easy. I’m also more honest with myself and my needs, which brings me to the next point.
  5. Self-care is most important of all
    This is the biggest thing I realised about myself. The main difference to before my loss is that now self-care has become non-negotiable. I have experienced time and time again that both myself and my surroundings suffer, when I don’t look after myself. I’m much clearer about what is good for me and what is not but knowing and acting on it are two different things. I’m still learning to apply this daily.

Maybe one day some of these things will change again. I’m aware of not using phrases like ‘I will never ever again…’ because I don’t foresee the future. As much as I might not be able to imagine something to ever be possible again, the truth is I don’t. There were days I didn’t know how to go on and looking back I have survived. And so can you.

This article was first published February 1st, 2017.

10 Things About Helping Children Through Grief

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child face
Photo by Thomas Park on Unsplash

Children are affected by the loss of a loved one, just as we adults are. Depending on their age and maturity, they will have different needs and show various symptoms. Siblings might respond in a similar manner or some seemingly not as much.

1. Support according to age and maturity

All children are affected, how and if they show it can be quite different. Young toddlers might not consciously know what’s going on, nor cognitively understand death, but they respond to the parent’s emotional state. Teenagers understand and often deal with death in their own personal way. Choose support for your child according to their personal needs, age and maturity.

2. ‘Put your own mask on first’

As the announcement when taking off in a flight says: “Put your own mask on first and then help your child.” This applies to supporting your child through grief. Look after your own needs first, and then you will be better equipped to help them. This obviously means that you still feed the kids…

3. Books

Stories and metaphors are a great way to explain death and dying to your children. Choose an age-appropriate book or go to the library and have your child pick one. The librarian might also know some suitable books to recommend.

4. Keep up the routine

As much as possible keep up the routine you have with your children. They need some stability, and ‘things that stay the same’ assist in the turmoil of life and death.

5. Be there fully, when you can 

Finding the balance between looking after yourself and being there for your children might not be an easy one. Be there fully, when you can.

6. Ask for help

Involve your family and friends in looking after the children and teens when you need your personal space and time. Have someone (that you feel comfortable with) come and stay with you to help cook, clean and run errands.

7.  Expect changes

I am not someone who easily flows with changes. The journey dealing with loss brings changes, personally as well as with children and teens. Expect them to be different and act in disparate ways. They might show changes in appetite, be less interested in schoolwork and become lethargic. Give them time.

8. Acting out

As mentioned before, children and teens may act differently and behave strangely. This is because sometimes they don’t know how to be with these emotions that they feel in their bodies. Be mindful and show them your love and understanding.

9. Show them love

A hug goes a long way in comforting not only children but adults as well. In fact, I have read the research that shows that hugging, as well as crying, releases chemicals in the brain that help with the sadness.

10. Get professional help

Feel encouraged to ask someone you trust for advice or a referral. This might be a friend, who’s experienced loss, a social worker, priest, nurse, your child’s school teacher, psychologist or your doctor.

Healing takes time. Dealing with the changes that the loss brings and adjusting to life without this person takes time and space. Allow for it.

10 Things About Relationship Changes With Grief

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couple from behind
Photo by Almos Bechtold on Unsplash

Grief and loss change many things and the people directly involved. There is no doubt that it also changes the relationship dynamics between directly involved people, as well as the way friends and family interact with the bereaved and vice versa.

1. The world has changed

The world of a bereaved person changes dramatically following a loss. The way they see and interpret what has happened influences their worldview.

2. I have changed

Many bereaved people are challenged with the way they personally are changed after a loss. There is a term, describing the time post-loss as the ‘New Normal’, which in most cases feels anything but normal.

3. My partner has changed

As much as the bereaved person changes himself or herself, their view of their partner changes. Especially for bereaved parents, where the grief and loss affect both at the same time, the changes are heightened. The New Normal self has to meet and get used to the New Normal partner, which requires patience and time.

4. People don’t know what to say

The truth is, the bereaved persons themselves are speechless in the face of the shock following loss. It is therefore to be expected, that people around them reflect that in their helplessness with words.

5. Friends don’t talk to me anymore

As mentioned in #4, grief and loss are not yet common topics of conversation. As a society in the western world, we have largely become unaccustomed to be with the bereaved in a supportive role. The loss also brings up existential issues, which can lead to fear and insecurity in people. Not knowing the ‘right’ words to say or the ‘correct’ way to connect, many stay away or believe the bereaved ‘needs time’. Another reason friends stay away is that the bereaved, at least at the beginning phase after the loss has occurred, often need to talk a lot about what has happened and about the person they have lost. This need can tire out many well-intended friends.

6. People say horrible things

As described before, speechlessness and helplessness in the face of tragic events can lead to hopeless attempts at trying to help and saying the most unhelpful things. Remembering their well-meant intentions and at the same time letting them know what would be more helpful instead are both ways to support our society to become better equipped at being with the unavoidable of life and death.

7. My friends have forgotten me

In most cases this statement has a couple of causes: either the friends believe that the bereaved do not want to talk and needs time themselves or they have become overwhelmed with the sadness and pain they see their friend go through.

8. Differences in grieving

There are differences in grieving, both in terms of how someone grieves, as well as the time they need. Many relationship changes are due to the fact that people believe there is one way to grieve.

9. The relationship to myself

Even the relationship to one’s self, the way we perceive ourselves, is turned upside down. The bereaved often struggle with intense emotions, changes, and secondary losses like friendships, potential future, dreams and hopes. The changes on the level of personality are huge and often come with challenges of self-acceptance.

10. Friendships change with or without loss

What bereaved people in the midst of their state often forget is that friends come and go with the course of life whether loss has occurred or not. It is the natural cycle of life.

Anything else you find important about the changes relationships go through post-loss? Leave a comment below.

10 Things About the First Year of Grief

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book cover surviving my first year of child loss
Book Cover – Image by Nathalie Himmelrich

The first year marks the first time you experience and do everything without the person you have lost. Traditionally, society believed that it gets easier after the first year. Some still believe this nowadays. The truth is that the challenging time post-loss is as individual as the bereaved themselves. Trust in your own timeline processing grief.

1. Shock and numbness

The very first phase of grief will most likely be spent in numbness from the shock. This is a protective way for the body to help you cope with the intensity.

2. Surviving the first year

Living through the first phase of grief may not seem survivable. It may even seem as no relief to know other bereaved have walked this path before. It is survivable and it takes time and energy.

3. It is so painful

Just today I have been reminded of how to deal with pain. Experiencing physical pain today, I stayed in bed all day. Three different kinds of painkillers didn’t change the physical pain I felt. All that was possible was to lie in bed, clutch a hot water bottle and breathe, slipping between lying awake and drowsy sleeping. Similar to this I remember the physical experience of grief.

4. Conserving energy

Three years post my loss; I still notice the need to conserve my energy. In the first year, I remember not being able to go out for anything else than absolutely necessary. It took me quite some time to engage in social activities again, let alone enjoy them. Take your time.

5. Accept help and find support

In my case, there was no choice but to accept the help that was generously offered. Friends brought meals, organized paperwork, and helped with errands. Let them help you, it also makes them feel that they at least can do something for you.

Also, find the most suitable support for you, whether that is group counselling, one-on-one therapy, talking to other bereaved parents in the community or talking to a friend. Most importantly, according to the suggestions of grieving parents in a survey, do it earlier than later.

6. The first year is the hardest

In my case, the first 18 to 24 months were rough. The time frame where grief is intense varies from person to person. Your time might be shorter or longer. It doesn’t matter, it’s no contest.

7. It’s been a year

It is a myth that some people still believe that after a year the bereaved should be over the worst. Every bereaved person grieves differently, every lost person held a different place in people’s heart. Allow yourself your own time.

8. Friendships will change

Friends become strangers and strangers become friends. Dealing with loss brings up everyone’s own mortality and existential questions. This can be deeply unnerving. Some people will not be able to cope with this or believe ‘you need time’. Remember their intention is mostly well-meaning.

9. Be true to yourself

… even if this means disappointing another. The first year of grief uses a lot of vital energy. It has required me to focus on the essentials and be true to my needs, more than ever before.

10. Crying is healthy

Crying is a way to release emotional stress. This is why babies and children do this a lot. As adults, we have un-learned the benefit of taking time for ourselves and releasing pent-up emotional stress. Research has shown that tears vary in their composition. Tears from grief are healing.

Anything else you find important to mention about the first year of grief? Leave a comment below.

Read Surviving My The First Year Of Child Loss: Personal Stories From Grieving Stories.
This book is a compilation of first-hand accounts of members of the Grieving Parent Support Network. Sign up to find out about any future anthology projects.

10 Things About Anniversaries Post-Loss

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wilted rose
Photo by Marcus Ganahl on Unsplash

The journey with grief and healing after loss includes dealing with anniversaries. This might be your loved one’s birthday, death day or any other specific meaningful day in relation to them. In fact, anything meaningful is a reminder and may trigger reactions and responses – this is very normal.

Here are 10 things to help you think about, prepare and nurture yourself when approaching anniversaries and other meaningful dates.

1. Anniversary reactions are normal

Even years after the loss you may have emotional reactions to anniversaries. You might feel sad, angry, contemplative or any other emotions. Remembering them as being normal can help you understand and take them as healing opportunities.

2. Do whatever feels right for you

Take it in your hands, take responsibility to make the day meaningful/helpful/healing-ful for you. Healing is YOUR choice, remembering too.

If you have done something special please share it in the comments for others to read and benefit.

3. Manage your expectations of others

This might sound harsh but no one is required to remember your loved one. Thinking that others should/need to… will turn into disappointment. Everyone is doing the best they can, some remember but prefer not to talk about it and some don’t remember. In addition, they are not mind readers and therefore do not know whether you prefer to talk about your child or not. In general, society does keep quiet for ‘fear’ of the potential emotional reaction they might trigger.

4. Speak up

Say what you need. Involve those that are important to you. On the first birthday of my daughter, I asked the family to bring something from nature, like a stone, feather etc. to remember Amya. We held a small circle and each person was invited to speak. This is what I needed and by letting people know, it happened. On the girls 2nd birthday, I made this. Just for myself – the way I wanted to honour Amya.