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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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listicle

9 Steps On How To Get Things Done

July 9, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

diary

Have you ever experienced that some of your tasks never seem to get done, even though they might be important and some even urgent? It is because they trigger some aversion, fear, worry, insecurity or boredom. Here is how you can get them done.

1. Make a list

Put aside 20 minutes and a take a fresh notebook. Start by making a list of all those things that you want to get done. This will create some free mental space and release some of the worries around forgetting them or the repercussions of not completing them.

2. Sort your list

Go through your list and sort your items into four categories:
a) urgent and important,
b) urgent but not important,
c) important but not urgent,
d) neither urgent not important 

3. One off tasks or recurring jobs

One-off tasks may repeat themselves once in a while, like cleaning the garage, shopping for a winter jacket or creating a photo book.

Recurring jobs repeat themselves daily, weekly or monthly, like washing laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills or ironing.

Sort each of the categories a) to d) into one off tasks or recurring jobs.

4. Done automatically or not

Some of the things you’ve written done will get done automatically so you don’t need to spend time on them. Even though you might not necessarily like doing those things, they do not have an aversion big enough attached to them for you to avoid them at all cost.

Those which do not get done automatically need to be scheduled.

5. Scheduling

The tool I prefer to use is the Google calendar. It synchronizes with your smartphone and sends you a pop-up reminder if you set them accordingly.

– One-off tasks: Schedule them according to their urgency and importance into your calendar. Sit down, look over your timing for the coming week, or month and make an appointment with yourself to do one at the time.

– Recurring jobs: Create calendar entries and set them to repeat daily, weekly or monthly. Allow enough time and re-adjust if needed.

6. Pop-up reminders

If you use Google calendar you can add pop-up reminders from minutes to hours and days prior to the appointment you’ve set. Pick as many or few as you need to remind yourself, without annoying yourself with too many.

7. Reminders

I also use the reminders app on the computer and have a weekly schedule list with my recurring jobs. This works well if you feel good about ticking off items you’ve done.

These reminders also have the option to not only remind you of a specific time and date but also at a location. If you need to remember to buy something in a specific shop when you’re next there, set up a location reminder.

8. Dealing with aversion

If you notice aversion and avoidance with certain specific things after you’ve organized them, it is time to seek help in clearing those patterns. There are ways to get rid of them so you will be able to do your tax with much less time spent worrying and avoiding the issue!

9. Plan, plan and re-plan

Many times people stop after their first trial. Remember that 99% of the time the NASA flies to the moon they reprogram their route. If whatever you’ve sorted, scheduled, planned didn’t work out, start by changing and adapting to better suit your needs.

Maybe you need to

  • set more reminders?
  • allow more time?
  • Ask for someone’s help?

Remember:

  • If you work better with rewards, plan them in as well.
  • Do not over-schedule your diary. If you don’t plan time to eat, relax and sleep you will easily feel overwhelmed.
  • If you didn’t do what’s in the diary, re-plan it for the following day or week.

As Marie Forleo says: If it’s not planned in your diary, it’s not real.

Filed Under: coaching, listicle, self development/motivation Tagged With: getting organised, organise, organize, plan time, time planning

13 Myths About Relationship Satisfaction

February 5, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

hands intertwined
Photo by Octavio Fossatti on Unsplash

1. Happy relationship = happy self

It is the other way around: Your relationship life is a reflection of your personal emotional state. Your relationship won’t make you happy unless you are.

2. Next time it will be better

If you carry the bricks from your past relationship you will end up building the same house. A new relationship will only be as good as where you are at in yourself.

3. Good sex = satisfaction

Yeah, sure… momentarily. The frequency or quality of your sex life however does not guarantee that you are otherwise satisfied with your partner in daily life.

4. Let’s have a family!

Bringing up children will bring you a fair amount of joy and happiness and probably equal the amount of fatigues, stress and challenge. Introducing a child into an otherwise unsatisfactory relationship will probably tip the balance towards additional stress.

5. If only my partner would…

Your partner needs to change and you would be more satisfied. Clearly. Until you find another reason for needed change.
Related article you might like to read: How to manage the wanting-to-fix-my-Partner’ Pattern

6. Unconditional love is the answer

Sadly, unconditional love is the biggest myth of all! You are in a partnership with someone who fulfills certain criteria and needs. Honestly, otherwise you could be happy with anyone.

7. Open communication will solve everything

Sorry, sometimes it’s better to be silent. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

8. Date nights will bring the spark back

Uninterrupted couple’s time is necessary. Even the most romantic candle light dinner on a sandy beach will only work as much as the two people are prepared to join in.

9. The more sex the better

The key is not the frequency but the compatibility. The problem arises if you have one partner who is sex-driven and other is not.

10. You just got to be honest with each other

Truth is what might be honest in one moment, may be irrelevant in another. Honesty can become an excuse to be tactless or hurtful. Neither brings satisfaction.

11. It is healthy to argue

Without suggesting the opposite, it is also very wise to know when to leave something un-argued.

12. Opposites attract

This is the case in the initial relationship stage but it will make your lasting relationship more challenging, especially conflict resolution style, life style, or libido.

13. Jealousy brings back the lover

Artificially making your partner jealous because you have started flirting with others may create some attention but you haven’t addressed the problem under the surface. Also, it is a rather childish reaction to feeling unloved.

Filed Under: coaching, counselling, gender/sexuality, listicle, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: relationship myths, satisfying relationship, unconditional love

Relationship Wisdom – 15 Types Of Relationship: Which One Do You Have?

January 22, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple with shoes
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

There is often confusion about the kinds of relationship my clients are in, so let me define them here in this article. Any of these can also be stages you go through in your relationship life.

Truly compatible:

Depending on your definition of the ‘perfect relationship’ this is it. There is a high degree of mutual understanding and acceptance of who and how you are. You are in love and people around you admire you for your connection.

Imperfect:

Something in your partnership isn’t working properly. Either you are challenged by your communication with each other, have a lot of conflict or sexual differences. Couples usually stay together as they are not as unhappy as such. This is a pretty normal stage for any relationship to move through.

Unhappy:

In addition to something not being perfect, you are also unhappy in your relationship. The reasons to stay may be a financial dependency, social expectations or mutual children.

Emotional affair:

You might be sharing personal details or secret with someone without being physically intimate, maybe because you or the other person is already in a committed relationship. Often, one, the other or both fall in love with each other without realizing it.

Sexual affair:

You might be enjoying having sex with someone without emotional attachment or intent to take this to the stage of a relationship. More often an emotional affair is secret when you or the other are in committed relationships already. If it is an openly sexual affair is often referred to as “friend with benefits”.

Asexual:

You are no longer interested in having sex with your partner but otherwise more or less enjoy each other’s company, friendship or shared parenting responsibilities. This can also be a stage that you go through after childbirth or following a hurtful personal or relational situation.

Temporary:

You are with a partner with whom you have little or no intention to build a future. As much as you are “good for now” you know it will not last forever.

Co-dependent:

This is where you are dependent on your partner and cannot function properly without each other. You might change plans or yourself solely to have more time with your partner. Often, co-dependent couples totally forget their friends around them, more than what is normal in the honeymoon stage.

Independent:

The very opposite of co-dependent is when you are mostly focused on yourself, your career, hobby, social life etc. that you are not prepared to make any compromised for each other. Love and relationship is not a priority and mostly just a convenience.

Controlling/dominating:

One partner has a controlling or dominating role to which the other more or less agrees. Dominating a relationship will involve your partner distancing you from your social network and making you feel frustrated, insecure and helpless.

Abusive:

This is where the control or domination has passed the point of a healthy relationship by a long shot. Not only when it has become physically abusive, but also with emotional abusive there is only one answer: get help and walk away. Even if you are convinced that it was a one-off incident, it almost never is.

Volatile:

This can also be called the “love-hate relationship” and can lead to not just verbal but physical violence in conflict resolution. As couples, you might be head over heels in love one day and at your throats the next. This seesaw of emotional outburst sooner or later needs to be addressed otherwise you will destroy your partnership.

Toxic:

There can be many reasons your relationship has become toxic. Here are some possible interactions that are signs: blaming your partner, dropping hints, being passive-aggressive, competing with each other, or emotional blackmail threatening the commitment to the relationship.

Open:

Both partners agree to be emotionally committed but leave each other the freedom to have sex with other people with each other’s consent. This agreement needs to be reassessed regularly to avoid jealousy or other frustrations in the relationship.

Long distance:

Even though you are emotionally connected, maybe Skype twice a day, the fact is that you physically live on two different continents (or cities) and therefore only share limited physical intimacy. This kind of relationship can work for certain types and not for others.

There are other types or stages or relationship to add here, but these are the main ones I often refer to. Please add any others in the comment section.

Filed Under: coaching, counselling, gender/sexuality, listicle, love/relationship/marriage

5 Tips for Christmas – How To Survive The Celebrations

December 22, 2013 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Christmas
Photo by Valentin Petkov on Unsplash

The fact that Christmas originally really had nothing to do with family, love and being together in harmony might shock you. In fact, I was quite surprised to read that it apparently originated in what the Roman pagans first introduced as a weeklong period of lawlessness, the holiday of Saturnalia. In the week from 17 until 25 December, Roman courts were closed and no one could be punished for injuring people or damaging property. Imagine that!

According to the ancient Greek writer, poet and historian Lucian the festival included intoxication, going from house to house singing naked, sexual frivolities and even human sacrifice. He also mentioned the consummation of human-shaped biscuits.

Nowadays, most people in the Western world will deal with eating and drinking too much, keeping their family tradition-loving and harmonious and unpacking presents bought in the pre-Christmas frenzy but luckily we do not have to fear being sacrificed. In the light of today’s challenges, let’s have a look at how to ‘survive’ Christmas:

Tip 1: When Christmas is ‘just too much’

Think about what it is that you need and what you do not want to be a part of. Be honest and communicate it clearly. If, for example, you do not want to take part in the Christmas present frenzy say so, preferably ahead of time. Suggest an alternative like donating money to a charity.

Tip 2: When you are alone

If you are alone and prefer not to be: check out the local community and whether they offer something that might interest you. Talk to friends and mention you’re feeling alone. Ask to be invited or invite some friends to your house. There are other people who are alone and do not want to be, like ex-pats or people in homes. Why not invite them or volunteer somewhere?
If you are alone and prefer it that way: make sure to plan something that you like. Maybe it is watching a movie, reading a book or… (Fill in your own activity).

Tip 3: When you just want to get away from it all

Why not plan a holiday? Or go away for the day? Find an activity that you like and that is open on Christmas, for example, skiing. If you stay at a hotel you will surely be around people but you can choose whether you want to communicate or stay to yourself.

Tip 4: It’s a lot of work

Delegate. Make a list of all the things that need to be done and ask for help. Even though it might have been tradition that you cook the roast, serve the sumptuous meal and clean up after everyone we do live in the 21st century and people do help each other. Traditions can evolve.

Tip 5: I miss them…

Given all the (pretend?) happiness and joyfulness people who are no longer with us, whether they are dead or have left, can be missed more strongly. Remember that you are allowed to feel sad but also know when you have to pull yourself out of feeling miserable. Preplan what you can do, if you need to cheer yourself up.

Filed Under: listicle, spirituality Tagged With: celebration, christmas tradition, merry christmas

Love Languages: 10 Tips For Your Relationship

February 20, 2011 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple on beach dancing

Based on Dr. Gary Chapman’s work, there are five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Here are some tips to help you become more satisfied with your relationship using these love languages as a guide:

Tip #1: Fill up your partner’s love tank

Ask your partner: ‘What could I do today that would make you feel loved and appreciated?’ Start making a list of the things that work best for them and you’ll soon have more ideas about their primary love language. Commit to doing what your partner wished for, given you want to, and agree to their suggestion.

Tip #2: Listen to your spouse’s criticism

Your partner’s criticism will give you clues about their primary love language. People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.

Tip #3: Love Language Physical Touch

Remember that the touch that brings you the most pleasure might not also bring your partner the same pleasure. Ask each other for feedback: ‘Do you like it when I touch you here like that? Or what would you prefer?’

Tip #4: Love Language Quality Time

Each language has its different dialect and so do love languages. A dialect of quality time is quality activity. Ask each other to complete the following statement in writing: ‘I feel most loved by my partner when …’ and then when you are both finished, read it to each other.

Tip #5: Love Language Words of Affirmation

We all do need encouraging words, even if this is not our primary love language. If you hear your partner asking you many questions like ‘do you like the dinner?’ or ‘what do you think about this idea?’ you might also sometimes hear ‘you don’t give me any feedback!’ It’s obvious, you need to give your partner more verbal affirmation. Find something each day to affirm them with.

Tip #6: Love Language Receiving Gifts

Even if your spouse’s primary love language is not a gift, still give them something once in a while. It’s the thought that counts and in whatever way you give it can include another love language, for example, if you write a card with lots of affirmation then you’ve got already two covered.

Tip #7: Love Language Acts of Service

How balanced are the chores in your relationship? What are you doing for your partner without them having to ask for it? Do you realize what your partner is already doing for you? Simple: acknowledge what’s already there.

Tip #8: Do something at least once a week

Plan something special for your spouse at least once a week and notice how they react. Have a notebook where you record the things and how impactful they were, and how they were received. This will give you a gauge on which deposits into your partner’s emotional bank account have the biggest return.

Tip #9: Loving someone is giving them what THEY need

Often we automatically fall into the pitfall of doing what we would like to be done to us. Loving someone is becoming aware of their likes and dislikes and giving them what they want, as opposed to thinking about us.

Tip #10: If you don’t know – ask!

No matter how long you’ve been together, it’s never too late to get to know your partner better. Dare to ask what they like, appreciate, long for, need…, and if you’re prone to forget things, write them down so you can look things up!

Gary Chapman: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Filed Under: communication, listicle, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: enhancing your relationship, gifts, love language, physical touch, quality time, showing love, words of affirmation

10 Ways to Develop Intimacy in Your Relationship

May 12, 2010 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple
Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

Intimacy is part of every close relationship; this can be between lovers, husband and wife, friends, sisters and/or brothers or other parts of the family. Intimacy itself means a ‘close familiarity, closeness or togetherness’ in general and ‘intercourse, lovemaking’ in sexual relations. In the following article, we will look at ways to develop intimacy specifically between a couple in a relationship; however, they might also apply to other relationships mentioned.

1. Make room

In order to be able to allow intimacy, we need to be in the right environment. This depends on the kind of intimacy we are looking for and on the personality of the people involved. Mostly we need some private space where we can be undisturbed.

2. Reserve some time

Intimacy is also related to time in the sense that it develops with time. As with creating the space, we need to allow time for it to flourish.

3. Be present

Let your thoughts of the day drift away and be present in this moment and space. Specifically, draw your full attention to your partner.

4. Focus your attention

In tantric exercises, couples are asked to look into each other’s eyes and start to breathe together. This encourages presence and attention to be focused on each other which allows intimacy.

5. Speak from the heart

Complete the following sentences: ‘What I appreciate about you is…’ and ‘What I love about you is…’ while you look into your partner’s eyes.

6. Listen – inside and outside

Often people have unconscious fears about intimacy and being seen. Listen to what is happening inside of you (your internal thoughts) and to what your partner is saying.

7. Allow vulnerability

Intimacy also brings up vulnerabilities about who we are at the core. This is where you can develop yourself and your intimacy by allowing any related feelings and truly stay open.

8. Practice acceptance and welcoming

Just as you are opening up your ‘innermost’ self to your partner so will they. Developing more intimacy goes hand in hand with the feeling of acceptance and welcoming that we receive from our partner.

9. Share your fears

Opening up about your fears and failures can develop intimacy if it is mutual.

10. Make it a habit

Continue and repeat steps 1 to 9 and make it a habit. Intimacy does not just happen by accident; it is a result of two people being committed to making their relationship deep and meaningful.

Intimacy has also been transformed into ‘in-to-me-I-see’. To me, this means that in an intimate relationship what we ultimately become aware of and develop is what we see in ourselves.

Filed Under: communication, listicle, love/relationship/marriage Tagged With: couples satisfaction, developing in relationship, intimacy, relationship intimacy

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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