Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

gender/sexuality

It Is the Relationship Journey That Counts

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Today in a client’ session I heard myself say: A happy relationship with your partner might be your goal but it is not the purpose of (relationship) life. Let me explain.

The journey that counts

The famous quote “It’s not the destination but the journey that counts” leaves some questions unanswered:

  • What is on the journey?
  • What specifically counts as part of the journey
  • What does it really mean?

Quotes are nice but often leave a lot to personal interpretation. Let’s have a look at that quote in relation to your relationship life.

Relationship struggles

Whether intimate, casual or relationships with siblings, parents, friends, colleagues, or employers – relationship are seldom easy. Even the best of friends struggle with each other, have misunderstandings or fights.

This is normal and to be expected.

Relationships, and specifically the closer they are, have the potential within themselves to trigger and bring up any unresolved issues.

On your journey with relationship you will encounter struggles, sooner or later, if you are not just leaving any relationship before it gets close enough.

You see Mum and Dad

“Whatever you do, where ever you go, you see Mum and Dad and they see you.” This quote describes the transference we deal with in life on a daily basis. The person you meet might remind you of your mother or father, consciously or unconsciously and you are challenged with similar topics to those of your relationship with your mother or father.

You receive the chance to finish up the business you still have open (=left unfinished) between you. These are the stops along your relationship life, which will allow you to grow personally, no matter who you are in a relationship with and learning the lesson.

What’s the connection between relationships and the purpose of life?

In an intimate relationship, specifically with the person, we feel closest to, we want to be happy, understood, seen, appreciated, nurtured, loved, admired, listened to… basically have our needs met. The goal might be this ultimate relationship. The purpose however is that the same. The purpose of your intimate relationship is to heal those wounds that have been left unattained. To become aware of them, we are triggering each other’s sore points (=wounds), mostly without mal-intent or conscious knowledge.

Wounds you will encounter

There are only a few basic wounds or topic that the issues you’re facing will fall under:

  • Rejection
  • Abandonment
  • Humiliation
  • Betrayal (of trust)
  • Injustice

Some of those five wounds will interact or be experienced in combination.

In fact, it does not even really matter who you are relating to. If you can embrace the purpose of learning and growing while relating, any relationship will make a lot more sense.

10 Things About Relationship Changes With Grief

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Grief and loss change many things and the people directly involved. There is no doubt that it also changes the relationship dynamics between directly involved people, as well as the way friends and family interact with the bereaved and vice versa.

1. The world has changed

The world of a bereaved person changes dramatically following a loss. The way they see and interpret what has happened influences their worldview.

2. I have changed

Many bereaved people are challenged with the way they personally are changed after a loss. There is a term, describing the time post-loss as the ‘New Normal’, which in most cases feels anything but normal.

3. My partner has changed

As much as the bereaved person changes himself or herself, their view of their partner changes. Especially for bereaved parents, where the grief and loss affect both at the same time, the changes are heightened. The New Normal self has to meet and get used to the New Normal partner, which requires patience and time.

4. People don’t know what to say

The truth is, the bereaved persons themselves are speechless in the face of the shock following loss. It is therefore to be expected, that people around them reflect that in their helplessness with words.

5. Friends don’t talk to me anymore

As mentioned in #4, grief and loss are not yet common topics of conversation. As a society in the western world, we have largely become unaccustomed to be with the bereaved in a supportive role. The loss also brings up existential issues, which can lead to fear and insecurity in people. Not knowing the ‘right’ words to say or the ‘correct’ way to connect, many stay away or believe the bereaved ‘needs time’. Another reason friends stay away is that the bereaved, at least at the beginning phase after the loss has occurred, often need to talk a lot about what has happened and about the person they have lost. This need can tire out many well-intended friends.

6. People say horrible things

As described before, speechlessness and helplessness in the face of tragic events can lead to hopeless attempts at trying to help and saying the most unhelpful things. Remembering their well-meant intentions and at the same time letting them know what would be more helpful instead are both ways to support our society to become better equipped at being with the unavoidable of life and death.

7. My friends have forgotten me

In most cases this statement has a couple of causes: either the friends believe that the bereaved do not want to talk and needs time themselves or they have become overwhelmed with the sadness and pain they see their friend go through.

8. Differences in grieving

There are differences in grieving, both in terms of how someone grieves, as well as the time they need. Many relationship changes are due to the fact that people believe there is one way to grieve.

9. The relationship to myself

Even the relationship to one’s self, the way we perceive ourselves, is turned upside down. The bereaved often struggle with intense emotions, changes, and secondary losses like friendships, potential future, dreams and hopes. The changes on the level of personality are huge and often come with challenges of self-acceptance.

10. Friendships change with or without loss

What bereaved people in the midst of their state often forget is that friends come and go with the course of life whether loss has occurred or not. It is the natural cycle of life.

Anything else you find important about the changes relationships go through post-loss? Leave a comment below.

Relationship Wisdom – 6 Steps To Take When In Relationship Conflict

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Conflict in a relationship is often the pivotal point that leads to unhappiness and dissatisfaction of the relationship. Let’s have a look at conflict from a different point of view to turn it into an opportunity to grow and learn instead of an ‘I win – you loose’ scenario.

Relationship purpose

The ultimate purpose of every relationship, whether it is an intimate one or not, is to enable both of you to grow personally and interpersonally. Whenever we enter into a relationship there is this meeting place of two human beings finding out something new about themselves and each other. It really is the evolution of your own consciousness as well as the consciousness of interaction at large.

Avoiding conflict

Conflict is often seen as the opposite of intimacy. The reality of “me-against-you conflict” is that it reduces the feeling of safety, ability and willingness to be vulnerable. Avoiding conflict therefore is what seems like the most logical solution.

Conflict can also be seen as the opportunity to know more about yourself and the other person; to know about your likes and dislikes, what you are made of, your boundaries, your needs and wants and the same things in the other person.

Misunderstanding

When we start to see conflict in a different way, we can stay connected while having a different opinion to your partner.  Rather than imagining a fight, conflict or argument as a “me-against-you” scenario, we can visualize it being a fight against a common misunderstanding.

Every conflict is really engaging in a misunderstanding, which the two people in it don’t yet realize or understand. It is not about the money spent or the mother-in-law. It basically boils down to not having your needs and wants met around “being loved”:

  • Not loved (enough)
  • Not respected (enough)
  • Not seen (enough)
  • Not feeling important (enough)

Conflict as part of a real loving relationship is only a temporary misunderstanding, which, if analyzed, will allow you to understand yourself and your partner better.

Emotionality in conflict

Your anger (or other emotional expression) during the conflict is always a cover for hurt. Behind that hurt there is an important and sacred need or value that has been trespassed. If, instead of attacking or defending, you start investigating and inquiring into what is really behind, you will learn from conflict, rather than being tired out by it.

Start being curious

This might mean putting your own hurt aside and asking your partner: “I can see you’re really angry and hurt, there must be something really important here for you that I do not yet fully understand, what was that?” This curiosity, spoken with true empathy rather than sarcasm, will bring you back into an intimate and vulnerable space from which you can then learn to turn this conflict around.

You need to be in love, to alchemize conflict, because in conflict your darkest parts come out.

What do to when in conflict?

  1. Take a couple of deep breaths and ground yourself
  2. Take a time-out if needed, with an agreed time and place to return and finish the conversation
  3. Reach out and touch your partner, touch helps to feel safe and continuously loving even though we have different opinions
  4. Asking yourself: What is it that I need right now that I’m not getting. Give it yourself = re-parent yourself
  5. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict
  6. Show leadership in offering steps to resolve the conflict

13 Myths About Relationship Satisfaction

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1. Happy relationship = happy self

It is the other way around: Your relationship life is a reflection of your personal emotional state. Your relationship won’t make you happy unless you are.

2. Next time it will be better

If you carry the bricks from your past relationship you will end up building the same house. A new relationship will only be as good as where you are at in yourself.

3. Good sex = satisfaction

Yeah, sure… momentarily. The frequency or quality of your sex life however does not guarantee that you are otherwise satisfied with your partner in daily life.

4. Let’s have a family!

Bringing up children will bring you a fair amount of joy and happiness and probably equal the amount of fatigues, stress and challenge. Introducing a child into an otherwise unsatisfactory relationship will probably tip the balance towards additional stress.

5. If only my partner would…

Your partner needs to change and you would be more satisfied. Clearly. Until you find another reason for needed change.
Related article you might like to read: How to manage the wanting-to-fix-my-Partner’ Pattern

6. Unconditional love is the answer

Sadly, unconditional love is the biggest myth of all! You are in a partnership with someone who fulfills certain criteria and needs. Honestly, otherwise you could be happy with anyone.

7. Open communication will solve everything

Sorry, sometimes it’s better to be silent. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

8. Date nights will bring the spark back

Uninterrupted couple’s time is necessary. Even the most romantic candle light dinner on a sandy beach will only work as much as the two people are prepared to join in.

9. The more sex the better

The key is not the frequency but the compatibility. The problem arises if you have one partner who is sex-driven and other is not.

10. You just got to be honest with each other

Truth is what might be honest in one moment, may be irrelevant in another. Honesty can become an excuse to be tactless or hurtful. Neither brings satisfaction.

11. It is healthy to argue

Without suggesting the opposite, it is also very wise to know when to leave something un-argued.

12. Opposites attract

This is the case in the initial relationship stage but it will make your lasting relationship more challenging, especially conflict resolution style, life style, or libido.

13. Jealousy brings back the lover

Artificially making your partner jealous because you have started flirting with others may create some attention but you haven’t addressed the problem under the surface. Also, it is a rather childish reaction to feeling unloved.

Relationship Wisdom – 15 Types Of Relationship: Which One Do You Have?

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There is often confusion about the kinds of relationship my clients are in, so let me define them here in this article. Any of these can also be stages you go through in your relationship life.

Truly compatible:

Depending on your definition of the ‘perfect relationship’ this is it. There is a high degree of mutual understanding and acceptance of who and how you are. You are in love and people around you admire you for your connection.

Imperfect:

Something in your partnership isn’t working properly. Either you are challenged by your communication with each other, have a lot of conflict or sexual differences. Couples usually stay together as they are not as unhappy as such. This is a pretty normal stage for any relationship to move through.

Unhappy:

In addition to something not being perfect, you are also unhappy in your relationship. The reasons to stay may be a financial dependency, social expectations or mutual children.

Emotional affair:

You might be sharing personal details or secret with someone without being physically intimate, maybe because you or the other person is already in a committed relationship. Often, one, the other or both fall in love with each other without realizing it.

Sexual affair:

You might be enjoying having sex with someone without emotional attachment or intent to take this to the stage of a relationship. More often an emotional affair is secret when you or the other are in committed relationships already. If it is an openly sexual affair is often referred to as “friend with benefits”.

Asexual:

You are no longer interested in having sex with your partner but otherwise more or less enjoy each other’s company, friendship or shared parenting responsibilities. This can also be a stage that you go through after childbirth or following a hurtful personal or relational situation.

Temporary:

You are with a partner with whom you have little or no intention to build a future. As much as you are “good for now” you know it will not last forever.

Co-dependent:

This is where you are dependent on your partner and cannot function properly without each other. You might change plans or yourself solely to have more time with your partner. Often, co-dependent couples totally forget their friends around them, more than what is normal in the honeymoon stage.

Independent:

The very opposite of co-dependent is when you are mostly focused on yourself, your career, hobby, social life etc. that you are not prepared to make any compromised for each other. Love and relationship is not a priority and mostly just a convenience.

Controlling/dominating:

One partner has a controlling or dominating role to which the other more or less agrees. Dominating a relationship will involve your partner distancing you from your social network and making you feel frustrated, insecure and helpless.

Abusive:

This is where the control or domination has passed the point of a healthy relationship by a long shot. Not only when it has become physically abusive, but also with emotional abusive there is only one answer: get help and walk away. Even if you are convinced that it was a one-off incident, it almost never is.

Volatile:

This can also be called the “love-hate relationship” and can lead to not just verbal but physical violence in conflict resolution. As couples, you might be head over heels in love one day and at your throats the next. This seesaw of emotional outburst sooner or later needs to be addressed otherwise you will destroy your partnership.

Toxic:

There can be many reasons your relationship has become toxic. Here are some possible interactions that are signs: blaming your partner, dropping hints, being passive-aggressive, competing with each other, or emotional blackmail threatening the commitment to the relationship.

Open:

Both partners agree to be emotionally committed but leave each other the freedom to have sex with other people with each other’s consent. This agreement needs to be reassessed regularly to avoid jealousy or other frustrations in the relationship.

Long distance:

Even though you are emotionally connected, maybe Skype twice a day, the fact is that you physically live on two different continents (or cities) and therefore only share limited physical intimacy. This kind of relationship can work for certain types and not for others.

There are other types or stages or relationship to add here, but these are the main ones I often refer to. Please add any others in the comment section.

Relationship Wisdom – I Just Do Not Love My Partner Anymore

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It will have happened to most of us that we experience ‘love’ as an emotion, which does not remain forever. The notion of ‘forever’ however still lives on in our heads, either through what we have learnt from fairy tales, films or society’s expectation. Is forever outdated in today’s society?

Changes in dependency

We do not have to go back far in time to see that even just 50 years ago partners in relationships where much more dependent on each other than nowadays. Social structures where the man was the breadwinner and the woman stayed at home and looked after the children were much more the norm. Nowadays, besides other movements towards independence, women, in particular, are no longer required to stay in a relationship. They have options, which they did not have in the last century.

Changes in family structures

The composition of families has gone through a rebirth in the last 100 years. The tendency to divorce, and therefore the chances of remarrying, has increased over the last decades. In Switzerland for example the divorce rate has clearly increased from 13% in 1970 to 43% today. Single parents or blended family structures are common, which means that partners are less likely to continue living in a relationship that is less than satisfying.

Relationship development

There are still many of my clients who long to experience a relationship that would sustain the honeymoon love experience over years. The fact of relationship development however shows that this first initial love will have to transform into another kind of love for one another. This process of change is also often complicated by life’s challenges like financial struggles, job loss, inability to deal with conflicts, death in the family, etc.

Stages of relationship

So if the reality is that our love for each other changes, what can we do at that stage? You basically have two different choices: either you continue meeting new people to love so you can continue the beginning stage of love over and over again or you learn about being in a relationship past this point. Love is an experience of inter-connectedness, which can be experienced with many different people in various situations, like during a conversation with a friend or playing with your child.

I don’t love my partner anymore

Not loving your partner anymore does not necessarily have to mean that you have to end the relationship but maybe learn more about it, the people involved and then make an informed decision.

If however, your relationship has run its course, separation might be the best solution. If you are still unsure, you might want to investigate a bit deeper and analyze and feel into what is going on. If your thoughts are leading nowhere, consider talking to someone who is specialized in this topic like a counsellor, coach or mediator.