Nathalie Himmelrich

Anniversaries, as you know, have a way of being remembered in the body way before they get consciously registered in the mind. It is as if our body remembers first. 

And, most important of all, EVERY BODY remembers differently because every body IS different. 

Is there a purpose in grieving 10 years later? 

… I asked myself. I like to think there is. I don’t know what the purpose might be but I do trust the body is doing its best to integrate loss into life. 

What are your thoughts? Why do you think we grieve, why grieving might be necessary? 

10 years later

You might have read in my last newsletter, you will have read that last week was my twin daughter’s birthday and also my younger daughter’s 10th death anniversary. 

The following is what I wrote this year on the anniversary:

It’s been 10 years and it still hurts. Most of the time, I’m not actively grieving. But then there are times when it overcomes me. This was today, the 10th anniversary of A’Mya’s death. 

This week where birthday and death anniversary collide is usually the most intense in the whole year. 

So, what happens after death, after grief no longer runs your life on a daily or regular basis? 

Triggers will bring up memories 

The following I wrote yesterday:

Today, as I watched the Grey’s Anatomy series, the tiny premmie in the NICU died. I watched the mother in the scene hold her baby for the first, last, and only time… “I’m not ready yet”, the uttered through tears streaming down her face, as he stopped breathing. That was me, 10 years ago. 
And I remember with every fiber of my being the gut-wrenching pain as well as the honor to hold her as she drew her last breath. 

Triggers will come up, no matter the time that has passed since the death. For me, it isn’t about avoiding triggers. It is about riding the waves and let them wash up the shore until the sea has calmed down again. 

And then there is life, continuing 

The week of birth and death anniversaries has come to an end… and life goes on… and continues… turning and turning like the big Ferris wheel 🎡 currently in our village.

The hardest part of grief is learning to go on living without them. ​

Regulated

Human beings have a nervous system. This nervous system comes into play on a daily basis.

When a nervous system is regulated, blood flows naturally and effortlessly, moves into the higher-order part of our brain. In a regulated state, we have access to our social engagement function, creativity, higher-order problem solving, and complex perspective-taking to the current level of our cognitive development.

Having a regulated nervous system is essential to well-being and the potential of thriving as a human being.

Dysregulated

When dysregulated, however, this higher-order brain function shuts down by degrees depending on just how activated (triggered) our nervous system becomes.

Triggers can for example be

• being exposed to intense noise, activity or movement
• trying to accomplish too much in too short of time, rushing
• being in a highly stressful environment, such as at work or home
• sudden shock, for example being fightened by a loud noise or through an attack
• violence to the body, as subtle as through blood being taken

As an effect, we lose access to our ability to engage socially, often felt as social anxiety.

We lose access to creativity and problem solving, which often feels like stress.

We lose access to perspective-taking, often felt es rigid and stuck thinking.

As a result, we tend to experience some heightened aspect, of a combination of

• fight
• flight
• freeze
• fawn

“There are two types of people in this world. Those that are traumatized, and those that are traumatized but they don’t know it.”

Gabor Mate

Regulation is a priority

Being regulated, therefore, should be a high priority in the way we approach life.

A truly regulated state, however, only exists in relation to other human beings, referred to as co-regulation. We are socially wired and our nervous systems need others to feel safe.

Co-regulation versus self-regulation

A dysregulated state is essentially a child state, and a child is incapable of feeling safe without the presence of a calm adult. Regulation is learned by modeling and through co-regulation in attuned and secure parenting relationships.

When there is a lack of a safe, calm other – either because that is the reality one finds on in or because prevailing attachment patterns block one from being able to recognize and move towards this form of security, then alternative regulation strategies are enacted.

Self-soothing (self-regulation)

Examples of self-soothing (calming down an anxious nervous system) are:

• calming strategies, such as breathing in a specific rhythm
• going for walks in nature
• using specific scents an essentials, such as in aroma therapy

Self-soothing is a strategy, a technique to help one get by but it won’t solve the reason why the nervous system is in an anxious state, to begin with.

In regards to attachment styles, this technique is most often used by anxious types.

Auto-regulation (self-regulation)

This strategy tends to focus on taking one’s mind away from the intensity of interpersonal stress, often by seeking other forms of intensity.

Examples of auto-regulation are:

• exercising with high intensity or in extreme sports
• using drug or alcohol
• watching movies or series, usually dramatic or action intense
• sex
• applying one self in certain types of intense breath-work or meditation
• working through high focus periods
• using emotional cathartic prelease processes

All these intense energy-focusing activities shift one’s focus away from the triggering event while maintaining the activated state within the nervous system. This seemingly highly productive strategy is over time taxing on the adrenals, kidneys, and the nervous system health.

In regards to attachment style, this technique is most often used by avoidant types.

Co-regulation

Co-regulation, however, is an experience of entering a regulated nervous system state in and by the presence of another, or multiple, human beings.

It is often so natural that we don’t necessarily recognize that we are in it.

Examples of co-regulation are:

• connecting to your beloved
• playing and having fun with another human being
• feeling the care of attuned parents
• looking into someone’s eyes without even saying any words

Ways to co-regulate are:

• Touch – such as holding hands, sitting shoulder to shoulder, back to back or in a simple embrace with anther human being
• Breath and gaze – which involved breathing together while maintaingin some form of eye contact
• Verbal – through active, embodied listening and reflective mirroring

Co-regulation AND self-regulation

All of those kinds of regulations have their place and are highly necessary. At times, self-regulation is the only available option, yet, co-regulation is vitally important. Even more so in today’s situation.

Optimal trhiving as a human being does not, cannot, and will not (while we remain human) occur in isolation.

Damien Bohler