counselling

Best Questions to ask – Supporting Questions

August 9, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich 2 Comments

“The answers you get depend on the questions you ask.”
― Thomas S. Kuhn, Author of the book The Structure of Scientific Revolutions

Supporting yourself or someone else through the throws of grief and trauma really depends on the conversations that are happening, inside and outside. It is about the thoughts we have in our minds and the questions we ask those we are supporting.

In order to understand the power of questions in grief support, let’s look at the most important three different types, adapted to the situation of grief, loss, trauma, and the support with those situations.*

Closed questions

Closed questions often invite a one-word answer, such as ‘yes’ or ‘no’. For example, ‘did she die immediately?’ or, ‘did you feel numb?’ They could also include answers to factual or multiple-choice questions, such as ‘how old was he when he died’, or ‘does it hurt more in the morning or in the evening?’

These questions are easy to answer and don’t require much detail. They, however, don’t really invite the person asked to open up about how they feeling or to share what they would need to talk about.

Useful for: getting a quick answer, not overwhelming the other person

Be mindful that: these questions do not open up for a deep conversation

Open questions

Open-ended questions can’t be answered with a simple yes or no response. They require a little more thought and readiness from the questioner to the potential of emotionality this might bring up in the person asked. These kinds of questions however also encourage wider discussion and elaboration. For example: ‘what do you think of the doctor’s advice?’ Or ‘why did you choose that kind of treatment?’ Or ‘what does it bring up for you to be without your mother on Mother’s Day?

Useful for: critical or creative discussion, finding out more information about a person or subject

Be mindful that: open questions can elicit emotions but also really allow the person to share from their heart, which is important

Probing questions

These questions are useful for gaining clarification and encouraging others to tell you more information about a subject. Probing questions are usually a series of questions that dig deeper and provide a fuller picture. For example: ‘when would you like me to come over, or would you like to give me a call when you are ready?’

Useful for: seeing the bigger picture, encouraging a reluctant speaker to tell you more information, and avoiding misunderstandings

Be mindful that: they need to be asked with sensitivity as the griever or traumatized might easily feel criticized or attacked for their way of dealing with their situation

A word on tone

Did you know that we take more than half of the meaning of a conversation out of body language? In addition, tone, context, and intonation, all help us make sense of what is being asked of us. But what happens when you throw technology into the mix and place a digital screen between the interlocutors? All those over 50% of the message carried by body language, tone, and intonation gets lost in translation.

Emojis and gifs have made their way into conversations everywhere. They can be useful but also lead to misunderstandings. Generally, I would always, if possible, prefer talking face-to-face with someone in distress over the phone or by text.

With a certain level of carefulness towards tone and a knowledge of how to ask questions in the right way, you can get a lot more out of your conversation.

Best supporting questions for the bereaved or traumatized

Choosing the best and most supportive questions to ask really depend on the circumstances and on the relationship between the people in conversation.

Here are some of those that I have found work really well to get a conversation going:

How are you doing today?
Based on what you know and what works best for you, what would help you the most? (you might like to follow up with 3-5 suggestions, if the person doesn’t come up with an answer themselves)
What has supported or helped you cope in the last few hours/days/weeks/months?

When working with people I found that when I have established a deeply trusting and supportive relationship with the client I can ask almost any question. This naturally is based on my lengthy experience and my sensitivity to the topic of grief, loss, and trauma.

👉🏼 Griever Input

Letting the people surrounding you know what is helpful and what is not is your right. They don’t know better, what you need, than YOU.

👉🏼 Supporter Input

Experience has shown that grieving or traumatized people appreciate being asked with sincerity and the intent of support. They do tell you when they don’t want to talk about certain things. They generally react well to being asked what they need, rather than being told.

*The types of questions are from the article ‘The 8 essential questioning techniques you need to know’ adapted to grief, loss, trauma.

The Complete List Of Do’s And Don’ts When Supporting The Bereaved

January 29, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

grief quote by nathalie himmelrich — Grief Quote by Nathalie Himmelrich

On rare occasions, I had ‘friends’ tell me versions of: “Wouldn’t it be time to move on?” or “You’ve got such a beautiful daughter, don’t you think it would be better for her to stop mentioning her twin sister or the topic of grief and loss?” Who hasn’t heard some version of the above? Have you?

I find it hard when people tell me to change the way I feel. Especially when it’s people that haven’t experienced what I have.

Every person surrounding us has their version of what healing after loss looks like. My version is called healthy grieving: I believe in integrating loss into my life, which allows for joy and sadness, reminiscing in the past and full present-day laughter, remembering with mindfulness and gratitude.

There are lots of words written about what not to say in response to grief but not enough about how to respond to grief. As part of the book Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple I have made it a priority and my heartfelt intent to help supporters understand how to be with the bereaved. If you find it helpful, feel free to share it with your family, friends and supporters. Remember that this always needs to be applied with respect to the person’s culture and traditions. If something has really helped you, let me know in the comment section, as well as if something does not feel right for you.

The “5 Star Grief Support Guide”, which you’ll receive upon signing up for updates on the Grieving Parents Support Network summarises what I wrote here below:

Things to say or do

Things that made most difference: dropping food at our door, taking Harry out to play… just being ok with how we were.
Gavin Blue, President of Heartfelt Australia

First and foremost bereaved parents have shared with me that supporters should not feel obligated to say anything. What some call the “Art of Presence”, being there is all that is needed.

However, should you feel compelled to say something, here are the three simplest things to say:

I am sorry for your loss.
I am here for you.
I don’t know what to say, I’m at a loss for words.

Whatever you do or say, remember these things:

Acknowledge the bereaved parents, son, daughter, family member of the person who died
Listen but do not try to fix
Encourage and give them hope
Practice the Art of Presence.

The following points are an excerpt of my blog I wrote twenty months after Amya’s death. These are suggestions that help to acknowledge the grieving parents’ pain, journey, and responses. Use your own words or way of saying things.

ASKING QUESTIONS

Inquire how I’m doing, what I’m feeling. Don’t tell me “it must be hard” or “you must feel so awful.” Ask me, but don’t tell me. Ask again tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. Be gentle when asking, it needn’t be an interrogation.

Suggestions:

How are you coping?
What kind of help would be supportive for you? (Make a couple of suggestions)
May I bring some food over tonight?
Would you like me to just be there with you?
What did the doctor say?
Do you have anyone you can talk to?

I’M SO SORRY

This is the simplest and most appropriate sentence. It bridges any “I don’t know what to say” or “I’m lost for words” moment, any awkward silence that you might be tempted to fill with clichés. Don’t. Just say, “I’m sorry for your loss”.

SHOW YOU CARE

The little messages “I’m thinking of you” on the anniversary of my daughter’s or my mother’s death mean a lot.

I hear you
I’ve been thinking of you
You are not alone – I am here for you
I read your blog
My heart goes out to you.

Recently I received a touching message from someone I don’t even know who told me how much my blog touched her. She was a 38-year-old identical twin who had lost her twin sister when they were 10 days old. I would have never known whom my writing touches if she hadn’t told me.

CONTINUE TO INTERACT

I must have stunned many people into silence with my grief spell. It is okay to be contacting me again and again, even if I might not have the energy to hold long conversations. Social interactions are more tiring, yet I still crave to be with people. I am no longer the person I was pre “date with death” and as much as I sometimes want that person back, I have to deal with the New Me. Please try to do so, too.

ACCEPT ME

It’s hard enough to be sad and depressed. I am learning to accept being what I am in any moment. If you can accept that too, you won’t need to make me feel better, offer me advice, solutions, or try to tickle me with humour. Please accept me as I am.

BE WITH ME

There doesn’t need to be much talking. Knowing that you are not afraid of being in my presence, no matter what, counts. Offer your presence even if by just holding my hand.

RESPECT MY SPACE AND MY BELIEFS

You might believe in God or that, “It was meant to be this way.” Whatever it is, keep it to yourself. You cannot know where I stand in relation to your beliefs. Leave me with mine. Respect where I am with regard to what I believe or even where I might have lost any faith and trust.

ACKNOWLEDGE THE DEAD PERSON

I do understand that you might fear my reaction if you speak about my baby or my mother. Do trust that by acknowledging or talking about them you honour their memory. Say their names.

RESPECT THAT I WON’T GET OVER IT

I didn’t really understand the depth of grief before my personal experience. You do not need to understand it to accept and respect that holding my child in my arms as she passed isn’t something that I will get over. I am learning to live with it, whatever that means. Anything can and will trigger the grief and I don’t always know when or why…

TACT AND RESPECT

By all means tell me about what is going on your life, no matter how trivial or devastating it might be. I can handle it if you handle my response with tact and respect. What I do not need at this moment are trivializations of women who got pregnant and didn’t even want to have another child or mothers who abort their baby because of its gender.

PHYSICAL CONTACT – HUGS

There are times when I am very sensitive and do not want to be touched. Please consider asking before you want to give me a hug.

THE ART OF PRESENCE

Be there, not merely in the moment of crisis. Walk alongside me in the months and years to come. Allow me my process of healing. Sit with me in the moments of painful emotions and the darkness of depression. It is an illusion that in times of crisis people need space. Respect someone’s wish, if they tell you so. Otherwise, be present.

The “5 Star Grief Support Guide”, which you’ll receive upon signing up for updates on the Grieving Parents Support Network summarises the above.

The things not to say or do

Even though other authors on Still Standing Magazine have already covered this topic, this is what I wrote in the book regarding things not to say or do.

TIME

It does not matter whether you allow the grieving parent more or less time than they need or make suggestions on what should be difficult or not – comments like those mentioned below are unhelpful as they lead to self-judgment or guilt about the situation experienced.

Time heals all wounds.
It will get better with time.
The first year is the hardest.
Take your time.

DESTINY

Any suggestion on where or how the baby is now or what his or her destiny should or shouldn’t be are wild guesses or assumptions. For any mother or father there is no better place for their child than in their arms now and for eternity.

He is in a better place.
She was not meant to suffer any longer.
It was for the best.
Better it happened now than in x amount of time (days, weeks, months, years).

PARENT’S FEELINGS

Refrain from assuming you know how the grieving parent feels. You can’t know that. These comments cut like a knife. There is nothing that compares to parental grief.

I know how you feel.
It must be hard.
You must feel terrible!

BELIEFS AND SPIRITUALITY

Do not share your beliefs even if you think you follow the same religion or spiritual practices. The grieving parents might not be in a place to feel the same way about their religion or spirituality following the loss. Keep your religious beliefs, spiritual ideas, or ideologies to yourself.

God needed a special angel.
It was God’s plan.
It was meant to be this way.
It was his life’s plan.
She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go.

HOW TO GRIEVE

Suggestions on how to grieve and/or heal are ill-considered. They are based on the assumption that you know better on how to deal with the grief than the parents. Even if you have lost a child yourself, remember that every parental grief is based on their individual story, the meanings, and beliefs they have.

You just need to get back to your old self.
Chin up!
Distract yourself.
You need to… (followed by any suggestion).

COMPARISONS

Each trauma needs to be respected in its uniqueness. Every parent’s loss needs to be heard as its own story and with full attention. There is nothing that compares to the loss of a child.

I know how you feel, I lost my grandmother (or dad or pet).
I can imagine how hard it must be.

CLICHÉS

Say nothing or “I don’t know what to say” instead of any platitude.

Life goes on.
It will be all right.
There is a reason for everything.
It’s all for the best.

YOU SHOULD…

References to what they should be happy about, think about, or do instead are uncalled for. Whether it is fact or not is unimportant. The fact is the parents are mourning the loss of their child.

You have two other children.
At least you had your child for x number of years.
You should think about your husband.

THOUGHTLESS PHRASES

Be mindful of what may slip out of your mouth without thinking. You might be shaking your head in disbelief at these statements below. Trust me, we have all heard them. Better to say nothing at all.

How are things at home?
Was she in pain?
Have another baby!
You can have other children!
You’re kidding!
That’s not good!

INTERPRETATIONS

Over-interpreting, trying to make sense of the inexplicable or finding reasons why the baby or child has died are not helpful. Every parent experiences the why question looping in their mind. Don’t add your thoughts; leave them to

work on that.

Maybe it was because… (filling in your reasons why).

LET ME FIX YOU

Please do not try to fix, or make suggestions on what to do. The grieving parent only knows what it means to lose a child and what they want or do not want to do or be at this specific time in their grieving journey.

You need to keep yourself busy.
Distract yourself!
You need some time to yourself.
You need to look after her (said to the husband).

SILVER LINING

Leave any silver linings out of conversations with parents. If the grieving parent speaks them, it is their prerogative. It is not yours.

It’s all for the better.
At least . . . did not suffer.
You have 3 other beautiful children.
You’re lucky it was early on (in case of a miscarriage).
You are so strong.

¸.•´*¨`*•✿ ✿ ✿•*´¨*`•.¸

What is your version of healthy grieving?
What does it look like for you?
Share it with me, us, the world because the world need your story of healing.

Let’s start a tidal wave of
#healthygrieving
when you are ready…

¸.•´*¨`*•✿ ✿ ✿•*´¨*`•.¸

This article was first published February 4, 2015 in Still Standing Magazine.

Four Ways You Can Support Someone After Loss

January 15, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Grief is Homeless Love — Handlettered Quote by Nathalie Himmelrich

In my book Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple I wrote about ‘The Art of Presence’: “Be there, not merely in the moment of crisis. Walk alongside me in the months and years to come. Allow me my process of healing. Sit with me in the moments of painful emotions and the darkness of depression.”

Recently I have become more and more aware of the powerful healing that can occur if we just practice the Art of Presence.

So here is what I have found to be the important four things you can do for a friend who has experienced the loss of someone they love – and you might like to share this article with them, if you agree:

Be there
Sounds simple. Is it simple? It needs practice, practise to stay with someone in pain, practice to just be. Accept that you might be feeling uncomfortable in the other person’s pain, it’s ok, you may still remain there with them. You don’t need to do or say anything, just your presence will be appreciated.
It is an illusion that in times of crisis people need space. Respect someone’s wish, if they tell you so. Otherwise, be present.
Witness the pain
Bereaved people might openly show their sadness and grief. Others might show strong emotions like anger and rage at the injustice of death having taken their loved one too soon.
Allow your friend’s pain. Welcome their tears. Welcome their strong emotions. A person expressing strong emotions is relieving tension, it is a normal and healthy reaction unless they are likely to harm themselves or others.
Remember the loved one
After the loss, people often want to talk about their lost loved ones. Grieving Parents want to talk about their baby, their child. Remember their loved one with them. Mention their name. Talk about your memories. People are often afraid of the potential of increasing the bereaved person’s pain. Let me tell you, your mentioning the loved one’s name cannot increase the pain that they have already experienced through the loss. Even though the mentioning of my daughter’s name brought sadness, it also brought joy to my heart that people remembered and spoke about her.

Saying less is more
Do not try to fix their pain by saying something to cheer them up or attempting to remind them to be grateful of what the still have. There are so many statements made in a helpless attempt to relieve the person’s pain. Those sentences might be intellectually true but they are emotionally barren. This is why they hurt. Intellectual truth does not mend a broken heart.

I recently heard this beautiful statement, said to a friend of mine by the priest who buried their son:

Grief is homeless love.

Let the grieving people tend to the homeless love in their broken heart.

This article was first published March 2, 2016 in Still Standing Magazine.

New Year New Grief

January 1, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

woman in pickup — Photo by averie woodard on Unsplash

Setting intentions for the New Year ’s intentions are all around at this time of the year. For many of us, bereaved parents, the holidays and New Year’s celebration with its ‘merry’ and ‘happy’ wishes can lead us to slide down and get lost in another grief rabbit-hole. We are left with the sentiment that nothing that the New Year brings can make the feelings of loss any better.

Surviving the Holidays

The good news:

Welcome on the other side. Take a breath. You survived the holidays.
As much as I love part of the holiday spirit, I often encounter myself in a quiet, unsociable mood and end up spending – at least some part of it – by myself. This is how I re-energize and re-calibrate for whatever newness might come with the New Year.

Setting Intentions

For the New Year, I asked the community of the Grieving Parents Support Network to share their intentions, relating to their grief. Here is what they said:

I spent the last year encumbered by grief, but unable to process. The loss of one twin and the survival of another have kept me in a state of limbo between that grief and the happiness being a first-time mom evokes. I have felt guilty for enjoying certain moments without Benji, just as much as I have felt guilty not enjoying others with his brother.
My intention for 2018 is to process and get to a point where that guilt isn’t there, in either direction.
I am creating a bucket list, it reiterates the last line of the poem “to live in a way that would make you proud” in memory of Sam 7/5/2015
I promise to hold onto hope even when I feel blind.
My New Year’s intentions are to keep Charlotte’s memory alive, to celebrate her birthday (15) and the day she gained her wings (28), to share pictures and videos of her that people haven’t seen on the 15th and 28th of each month, and to organize something for friends and family to participate in to remember Baby Charlotte.

Or it can be as simple as: “I intend to take one day at a time.”

Intentions don’t have to be hard and fast rules or goals as you would set them in a business plan. Whatever your intentions are, think about them as guiding principles that will lead you through the year.

Grieving in healthy ways, for me, means not to look for ways ‘to get over it’ or ‘through it’ as a way to get it done. It is about finding ways to be curious about what is stirring in my heart. Integrating not just the memory, but my ever-unfolding experience into my life. In this light, dear healthy grieved, here some New Year Review Questions for you:

What have you learned about yourself and grief/grieving?
What has changed since the loss of your child? Hint: make it specific. Look both for negative and positive things (for example I no longer take life for granted.)
What are you ready to let go?
How do you want to be with your grief in the New Year?

Looking Forward

What do you want to bring forward into this New Year?
Setting an intention can be powerful. Author Lynn McTaggart* has found that for something to occur it is 300,000 times more likely when one has set an intention.

INSPIRATION NEEDED?

You can check out mine on the GPSNetwork blog and take whichever you like.

* References can be found in the books by Lynn McTaggart: The Field and The Intention Experiment

This article was first published January 3, 2018 in Still Standing Magazine.

The Evolution Of Grief: Grieving In The Seventh Year

August 12, 2018 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Image: From Nathalie Himmelrich’s private archives

What is it like in the seventh year of grief? Is the grieving still there all the time? Is it gone, mostly gone or never gone completely?

My daughter A’Mya died on September 3^rd2011, just 3 days old. In the first few months, I couldn’t see further than feeding her twin sister and getting some sleep. There were really hard times in raw grief.

It’s not all roses

Four months after A’Mya’s death, the day before my mother died, I wrote:

The face I show the world is not usually the one where my eyes are filled with tears and where I’m sobbing with the grief of missing A’Mya.

Comments about how good I look or how happy I seem are describing the surface of that very same face in just another moment of life. But the heart feels everything and different emotions on various levels no matter what shows up on the surface.

Sometimes these well-meant comments make me feel angry as they so miss the point of how I’m really feeling. What you see is not all there is… And yet, I realize, we all portray only a part of ourselves to the world and so do I. Have a look at the photos you’ve posted on Facebook and you’ll realize what I mean.

Much processing happens internally or in my personal space. Few have shared some pretty tough and unpleasant moments with me when all the emotions pour out. If you have you may consider yourself a close friend who I trust won’t turn away because of my sudden outbreak of emotions.

Having said that, recently I experience a lot of anger and frustration, anger in response to many things, situations and people. Even though I’m aware of this too being part of the grief it is still difficult to be with those unpleasant feelings, even for myself.

Many, even close friends, have become silent or distant. Who would want to get themselves in the line of fire by saying something that might trigger a bolt of emotions? Some who spoke said ‘I don’t know what to say…’. I understand and yet it feels lonely. I miss simply being myself with some mundane life issues to deal with.

I keep A’Mya in my heart and Ananda Mae close to my heart.

If life gets challenging, meet it.

Two months later, I wrote:

Looking back over the last 6 months I haven’t been writing as much as I usually do and definitely not as much as I would like to.

LIFE HAS BEEN CHALLENGING AS I…

… have gone through a twin pregnancy
… have been emotionally and physically challenged
… have been told by a doctor at 26 weeks that one of my babies would most likely not survive
… have been living with the fear of losing my child who was clearly very alive in my tummy
… was dealing with my mum’s depression and supporting her and my family living overseas
… was giving birth and then, 2 days later, having to make the decision to let our little daughter go
… was holding her in my arms as she was disconnected from life support
… was grieving the loss of my child and at the same time caring for my other newborn daughter
… am learning to be a parent and dealing with sleepless nights
… have been dealing with the edges of post-natal depression and the joys of motherhood at the same time as going through the grieving process
… was facing the news of my mother’s suicide overseas

Sounds like I’ve got the disaster bug. I notice how challenged people I met are when hearing my news. Some wonder how I’m able to deal with all of this, others are just worried that if they talk to me about any of the above I might crumble or fall into a heap of tears. But I’m not! Life just happened to hand me a handful of tough challenges and I believe that I will deal and learn to live with them over time. I’m not in denial. I feel the pain and I feel the joy. Even though all the challenges hit hard there was and is always beauty and there are many amazing moments also part of the last 6 months.

We all face challenges and even though you might compare and think yours are more or less bad than someone else’s challenges, in the end, you have to deal with YOURS.

It is true though that when I feel challenged my view for those amazing moments gets clouded and I’m less able to take them in. That’s when I’ve needed help.

I went to see someone because I’m very aware that even though I’m an experienced counsellor and coach it does not give me absolution of experiencing, feeling, and thinking. I wanted to make sure that I’m dealing with this, that I’m not in denial, that I’m checking in not just with myself but with someone who has an outside perspective and the psychological training and experience to keep me in check. Someone that is there for me but not a friend that I had to go easy on or remember not to overdraw on favours.

I haven’t heard from some of my friends. I refrain from making any assumptions or judgments as I’m reminded that I don’t really have any idea of what’s been going on in their lives.

It makes me sad to realise that in our culture we are not used to talking openly about death, depression and suicide. Often these topics are taboo, and it seems that we are afraid to meet our own mortality and meet the emotions of shock, sadness, grief, fear…by avoiding looking into what’s the unavoidable outcome for all of us.

I have changed.
I’m making fewer excuses.
I’m more open and honest, even if it means confronting a friend.
I take less bullshit.
I’m more open to accepting help and am immensely grateful for it.
I’m no longer overly accommodating or accepting of bad behaviour.

In my experience of meeting my challenges remaining factual doesn’t cut it. I had and still have to meet it, feel it, and experience it. Diving right into all of it doesn’t mean drowning. That’s where I’m finding the balance between meeting the demands of daily life and giving to myself (like this reflection, even if it happens to be at 3 am after not being able to fall back asleep for 2 hours after feeding the baby). It also means accepting help and taking my support network into consideration.

It’s not about ‘soldiering’ on and keeping my head down marching no matter what but it is about staying vulnerable in the depth of my heart and soul and sometimes in public, sharing myself without the fear of being judged or pitied.

I feel the need to share maybe because on some level all the dealing with it becomes too much to be contained.

There is Hope

Seven years later I have mostly integrated the loss of my daughter into my life. She is part of my life, but her death does not define me anymore. Triggers like National Twins Day still affect me, but I take a deep breath, grit my teeth and let out a sigh. I sometimes feel jealous of parents with identical twin girls. I’m aware of my daughter’s grief over not having her sister with her.

In order to answer the question above whether the grieving is still there, we need to define ‘grief and grieving’. Oxford Dictionaries define it as an ‘Intense sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death’.

I do not experience intense sorrow anymore or only on very rare occasions regarding A’Mya’s (or my mother’s) death. This is my personal experience and I’m well aware others might experience it in different ways.

What I know is that I have done a huge amount of work on my grief, both personally, in therapy, in groups, through reading and writing, through interviewing and talking to other bereaved parents. I know this has helped me to find ways to deal with my emotions and find ways to incorporate the loss into my life. Yes, my situation is not like yours, but no situation is like any other. Even though we all have lost a child, the individual story and history with grief and loss are as personal as the relationship with the person who died.

Why Your Are Not Successful in Communicating With Your Partner – Issues of Content

January 21, 2015 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

The real reason for communication failures is often the lack of awareness of what is really happening. If you understand what level your challenges truly are and what you are communicating about, whether it is content or structure, you are then able to deal with the real issues. This article will look at the issues of content.

Content issues:

Discussing more than one topic
Referencing past issues
Changing the topic
Assumptions and unspoken expectations
Consciously hiding important information
Adding different seemingly similar situations or topics

Stay with one topic!

It is very common to mix and mingle different topics, referencing issues that haven’t fully been dealt with in the past or changing the topic mid-conversation. Let’s face it: Concentrating on one thing is difficult for most of us.

What is helpful is, if you agree on what it is that you are talking about and – assuming you have made sure that your structural situation is supportive – stick with it. If you notice that there is another topic creeping into the conversation make it a topic for another conversation. Set a time and date to discuss this and return to the current affair.

Referencing the past will most likely just fuel unresolved hurt, create more hurt, lead to criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling, which will lead you down the rabbit-hole of John Gottman’s ‘Four Horseman of the Apocalypse’.

If you notice that the topic has changed, find out whether the original one has been dealt with to satisfaction. If not, return to it and finish it. The same applies to adding seemingly similar situations or topics.

Assumptions and unspoken expectations

When noticing disagreement or emotionality creeping up in conversation, there is a high likelihood for assumptions which haven’t been clarified or expectations that are looming but not communicated. Ask yourself: What do you believe about your partner or the issue, which you haven’t yet clarified? What expectations do you have about your partner or the topic that haven’t yet been brought out into the open?

Often, these are actually the underlying problem of the current topic. This is an important distinction to make: The underlying problem will surface in different situations and, if it is a solvable problem which is adequately dealt with and sufficient time is allowed for the change to occur, it will disappear. The current topic is only the example in which it is shown in the present moment.

Hiding information

A secret lives energetically with a couple, whether it has been made consciously aware or not. If you’re consciously hiding important information, that would lead to solving an issue, ask yourself: What is the benefit for me? What am I trying to get?

It might be about keeping the power structure between you and your partner intact or avoiding him or her leaving you. Once you have more insight, it’s up to you to move on.

Unsolvable issues

Relationship researcher John Gottman says that 69% of issues a couple have are unsolvable. So the question becomes not just about “How can we solve our issues?” but “How can we be happy despite our unsolvable issues (differences)?”