Grieving is Healing

Grieving is often seen as a problem or treated as an illness that needs fixing. That is far from how we should view the act of grieving.

Grieving is healing and not the problem!

As a grief coach and trauma-informed therapist, I accompany people in all important life cycles. I stand beside men and women going through some form of crises and most of them involve some form of trauma and all of them have to do with loss.

Through my own experience of significant loss and trauma, losing my daughter and holding her as she drew her last breath, watching my mother struggle with depression and dying from it through suicide, as well as professional experiences of supporting many clients with their loss and trauma experiences, I have witnessed certain phenomena after death.

Existential issues

The experiences of loss, whether death-related or not, are as existential as the birth of a new life. Some religions deal with the topic of existentialism, but not many go into the depth of speaking openly about it so that grieving people feel understood and able to see and understand their experience as normal.

Experiences of loss and death are as existential as the birth of a new life. These are corner stones of our soul’s experiences in life.

Religious contemplations about life and death

Some religions, for example, Buddhism delve into the topics, such as in the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, which is a book by Sogyal Rinpoche that talks about core Buddhist beliefs, and how to incorporate them into your daily life (and, ultimately, death) while serving as somewhat of a commentary on the Tibetan Book of the Dead but more focuses on general Buddhist and Tibetan principles.

Whatever religion you follow, I believe we could (or should) speak much more openly about the two most common experiences of human life: birth AND death, which includes joy and grief. We cannot avoid grief in our lives and sooner or later we have to face the inevitable: dealing with our mortality or the death of a loved one.

Grief needs to be witnessed

Most if not all of my clients have a belief which says something like: “I should be or feel less sad (or insert any other emotion such as, for example, devasted/angry/disappointed etc.) than I am.” This comes from a grief-avoidant culture, not able to deal with strong emotions and allow the natural emotional experience however it unfolds in each one.

In my work with clients, we look at how grief shows up in their lives. It can be that they socially isolate themselves, experience problems in dealing with everyday tasks, or feel overwhelmed by their intense emotional rollercoaster. The heavy feeling associated with grief often comes unannounced and leaves the bereaved emotionally and physically drained.

Another common experience is the guilt experienced over ‘what if’s’. Many clients talk about the guilt they feel for not having done enough or said the right thing at the right time. Maybe a proper goodbye or unspoken words of forgiveness. Often bereaved feel that they didn’t show enough love or care and berat themselves for their lack of empathy.

Another important question is how people around the bereaved treat and support them. In my work with clients I often observe them struggling with the way their support network is trying to avoid the topic and it’s expression the best they can. A better approach, as I described in the book Bridging the Grief Gap, would be to be open and allowing the bereaved to feel what they are feeling and expressing is normal given the circumstances.

Grief is normal and expected

Grief is the normal reaction and response to loss. All that is experienced and is described under the umbrella of ‘grieving’ is normal and expected given the circumstances. Having said this, clients describe that they experience the grieving as harder and longer than expected which is because what is commonly expected isn’t real!

Grieving is like learning to speak a language. There are many different dialects and pronunciations of the same words and different people speak the same language in different ways. The aim for the bereaved is to speak the language with fluency and for the non-bereaved the aim is to understand any person’s personal dialect and pronunciation.

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