communication

Healthy Versus Unhealthy Coping Strategies for Grief

August 3, 2022 By Nathalie Himmelrich 2 Comments

All of my clients want to know how to deal with their grief and the aim is often and understandably to stop the intense pain.

Healthy grieving strategies

If you have been reading up on it, you have found lists with healthy grief coping strategies, such as, for example:

Sharing your feelings: Talking to friends about how you feel can help ease the burden of loss. Let friends know that you don’t expect advice or answers and simply wish to share your emotions or reminisce about the person you’ve lost.
Keeping a journal: Writing your feelings and thoughts in a journal not only helps you process grief but also keeps a record of your progression through the grieving process. You can look back on how your view of the loss has changed over time, which can help you see that your bereavement is an ongoing process.
Getting creative: Making art, crafting, and playing music are all ways to express your creativity and process overwhelming emotions.
Setting aside time to grieve: Scheduling grief might seem counterintuitive, but putting specific time on your daily calendar to grieve can help you fully process intense emotions. Give yourself permission to cry, scream or otherwise display strong feelings during that time, and find a place where you feel free to let yourself grieve without fear of judgment.
Avoid making big changes in your life: A major loss causes a lot of upheaval in your life, so it’s best to keep everything else as normal as possible. Hold off on changing jobs, moving, or making other big life decisions until you have worked through the grief process for a while.
Exercising regularly: Add physical activity to your schedule to help you release energy as a form of grief expression. You can use a quiet walk or run to calm your body and emotions or punch and kick at a punching bag to work out anger and frustration about your loss.
Participating in social activities: Being home alone can leave you immersed in your grief, so make a point to go out to lunch with friends or join a social group.
Taking refuge in your religious practices: If you are a regular churchgoer, attending services may help you deal with grief. Private prayer, meditation, and listening to religious music are other ways to cope with the spiritual aspects of grieving.
Reminiscing in a healthy way: Your good memories of the person who has passed on can be a comfort during grief. Spend some time looking through old pictures, reading messages from the person who died, or watching videos taken during your loved one’s life. You might also find it helpful to talk aloud or write messages to the person who has died, expressing your feelings directly to that person and maintaining a connection that transcends death.
Memorialize your loved one: If the person you are grieving had an affinity for a specific cause or charity, consider volunteering or donating in that person’s memory.
Spending time with pets: Animal companions provide unconditional love and comfort that could help you cope with grief. If you don’t have pets of your own, consider volunteering at a local animal shelter to walk dogs or socialize kittens so they are ready for adoption.
Joining a grief support group: Being around others who have also recently experienced a major loss can help you share the burden of grief. If your loved one died of a specific illness, such as cancer or heart disease, there might be a local support group for people who have lost someone to that specific disease.

(Source: Three Oaks Hospice)

But at the beginning, in the raw grief period, even little things might be too much to handle.

Unhealthy coping mechanisms for grief

This is also when people often describe using other coping strategies.

Unhealthy coping mechanisms may include:

Denial: refusing to acknowledge your loss or grief.
Risk-taking behaviour: this could include acting without thought of consequences and acting out through unhealthy relationships.
Substance abuse: turning to alcohol or drugs to numb your feelings.
Over or under eating: using food as a tool to numb or distract.
Obsessing/Controlling: since you could not control your loss, you may seek to control what you can.

There can be many factors, including low self-esteem, or a history of untreated anxiety and depression that can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms. There may be a sense of emptiness or lack of safety that makes their loss feel intolerable and this inability to tolerate the emotions leads to those unhealthy behaviours.

Intense emotions – how to deal with them?

Tolerating intense emotions requires practice, patience, and support. This is where an experienced therapist can support you in working through those intense emotions. By guiding you to understand the grieving process and dealing with obstacles and grief triggers you can experience a resilient way and the belief that you can deal with your grief.

Listen to Kellie Sipos on the How to Deal With Grief and Trauma Podcast on how she dealt with her drug abuse following the loss of her daughter.

Photo by Salman Hossain Saif on Unsplash

Best Questions to ask – Supporting Questions

August 9, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich 2 Comments

“The answers you get depend on the questions you ask.”
― Thomas S. Kuhn, Author of the book The Structure of Scientific Revolutions

Supporting yourself or someone else through the throws of grief and trauma really depends on the conversations that are happening, inside and outside. It is about the thoughts we have in our minds and the questions we ask those we are supporting.

In order to understand the power of questions in grief support, let’s look at the most important three different types, adapted to the situation of grief, loss, trauma, and the support with those situations.*

Closed questions

Closed questions often invite a one-word answer, such as ‘yes’ or ‘no’. For example, ‘did she die immediately?’ or, ‘did you feel numb?’ They could also include answers to factual or multiple-choice questions, such as ‘how old was he when he died’, or ‘does it hurt more in the morning or in the evening?’

These questions are easy to answer and don’t require much detail. They, however, don’t really invite the person asked to open up about how they feeling or to share what they would need to talk about.

Useful for: getting a quick answer, not overwhelming the other person

Be mindful that: these questions do not open up for a deep conversation

Open questions

Open-ended questions can’t be answered with a simple yes or no response. They require a little more thought and readiness from the questioner to the potential of emotionality this might bring up in the person asked. These kinds of questions however also encourage wider discussion and elaboration. For example: ‘what do you think of the doctor’s advice?’ Or ‘why did you choose that kind of treatment?’ Or ‘what does it bring up for you to be without your mother on Mother’s Day?

Useful for: critical or creative discussion, finding out more information about a person or subject

Be mindful that: open questions can elicit emotions but also really allow the person to share from their heart, which is important

Probing questions

These questions are useful for gaining clarification and encouraging others to tell you more information about a subject. Probing questions are usually a series of questions that dig deeper and provide a fuller picture. For example: ‘when would you like me to come over, or would you like to give me a call when you are ready?’

Useful for: seeing the bigger picture, encouraging a reluctant speaker to tell you more information, and avoiding misunderstandings

Be mindful that: they need to be asked with sensitivity as the griever or traumatized might easily feel criticized or attacked for their way of dealing with their situation

A word on tone

Did you know that we take more than half of the meaning of a conversation out of body language? In addition, tone, context, and intonation, all help us make sense of what is being asked of us. But what happens when you throw technology into the mix and place a digital screen between the interlocutors? All those over 50% of the message carried by body language, tone, and intonation gets lost in translation.

Emojis and gifs have made their way into conversations everywhere. They can be useful but also lead to misunderstandings. Generally, I would always, if possible, prefer talking face-to-face with someone in distress over the phone or by text.

With a certain level of carefulness towards tone and a knowledge of how to ask questions in the right way, you can get a lot more out of your conversation.

Best supporting questions for the bereaved or traumatized

Choosing the best and most supportive questions to ask really depend on the circumstances and on the relationship between the people in conversation.

Here are some of those that I have found work really well to get a conversation going:

How are you doing today?
Based on what you know and what works best for you, what would help you the most? (you might like to follow up with 3-5 suggestions, if the person doesn’t come up with an answer themselves)
What has supported or helped you cope in the last few hours/days/weeks/months?

When working with people I found that when I have established a deeply trusting and supportive relationship with the client I can ask almost any question. This naturally is based on my lengthy experience and my sensitivity to the topic of grief, loss, and trauma.

👉🏼 Griever Input

Letting the people surrounding you know what is helpful and what is not is your right. They don’t know better, what you need, than YOU.

👉🏼 Supporter Input

Experience has shown that grieving or traumatized people appreciate being asked with sincerity and the intent of support. They do tell you when they don’t want to talk about certain things. They generally react well to being asked what they need, rather than being told.

*The types of questions are from the article ‘The 8 essential questioning techniques you need to know’ adapted to grief, loss, trauma.

You Don’t Need To Say Much – Communication Rules

February 4, 2015 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Couple looking at each other — Photo by Davids Kokainis on Unsplash

Recently when coaching a couple regarding their communication I heard myself comment on their way of engaging with each other when listening and heard myself say: “You don’t need to say much in order for someone to feel really listened to.” Having said that, there are some things you need to do or say, even when you are the listener. Let’s have a closer look at the communication rules of active listening.

Rules for Active Listeners:

Maintain contact, depending on cultural traditions this can be eye contact or sitting together
Focus on what the other person is saying
Make sure you have open body language or try mirroring the speaker’s body language (without mimicking)
Use non-verbal cues (mm-hm, ah, OK) to let the other know you are listening
Put your agenda, your thoughts, to the side while listening
Reflect back to the other person what you think they meant
Do not simply rely on your assumption of what you understood, check with the other person

Don’ts for Active Listeners:

Do not simply stare at the other person
Do not pretend to listen, it will show
If you notice you’re thinking, for example about your to-do list, stop
Do not use unsupportive non-verbal cues like rolling your eyes, sneering, crossing your arms in front of your chest or sighing

If you happen to do those things, it’s best to apologize by saying something like: “I’m sorry, I was just absent for a moment” and refocus. You can be sure that if you are not interested but pretend to be, the speaker will notice something not quite right.

Are you listening?

There are some reactions you will notice in your conversation when the other person does not feel listened to. They will either repeat themselves, try and make eye contact with you, look doubtful, get irritated or frustrated or blatantly ask the question: “Are you listening?” This is the cue for the listener that they haven’t followed the rules above.

I’m overwhelmed!

People who don’t feel heard or understood tend to repeat themselves, speak more than needed and look for affirmation from the listener. If you feel overwhelmed at the amount of talking, you as the listener are required to be honest and say so. Say something like: “Too much information, I’m overwhelmed! Can you summarize that?” or “I am overwhelmed and I can’t take more in, can we speak about this a bit later again?”

You don’t need to say much, to make someone feel listened to. You need to show up, be present and suspend your agenda for later. Simply said, but not easily done.

Remember that every conversation you have is training in being a good and honest listener. It means a lot to most people to feel listened to, which is why many people search out counsellors and coaches and are happy to pay them so they are fully listened to.

Why Your Are Not Successful in Communicating With Your Partner – Issues of Content

January 21, 2015 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

The real reason for communication failures is often the lack of awareness of what is really happening. If you understand what level your challenges truly are and what you are communicating about, whether it is content or structure, you are then able to deal with the real issues. This article will look at the issues of content.

Content issues:

Discussing more than one topic
Referencing past issues
Changing the topic
Assumptions and unspoken expectations
Consciously hiding important information
Adding different seemingly similar situations or topics

Stay with one topic!

It is very common to mix and mingle different topics, referencing issues that haven’t fully been dealt with in the past or changing the topic mid-conversation. Let’s face it: Concentrating on one thing is difficult for most of us.

What is helpful is, if you agree on what it is that you are talking about and – assuming you have made sure that your structural situation is supportive – stick with it. If you notice that there is another topic creeping into the conversation make it a topic for another conversation. Set a time and date to discuss this and return to the current affair.

Referencing the past will most likely just fuel unresolved hurt, create more hurt, lead to criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling, which will lead you down the rabbit-hole of John Gottman’s ‘Four Horseman of the Apocalypse’.

If you notice that the topic has changed, find out whether the original one has been dealt with to satisfaction. If not, return to it and finish it. The same applies to adding seemingly similar situations or topics.

Assumptions and unspoken expectations

When noticing disagreement or emotionality creeping up in conversation, there is a high likelihood for assumptions which haven’t been clarified or expectations that are looming but not communicated. Ask yourself: What do you believe about your partner or the issue, which you haven’t yet clarified? What expectations do you have about your partner or the topic that haven’t yet been brought out into the open?

Often, these are actually the underlying problem of the current topic. This is an important distinction to make: The underlying problem will surface in different situations and, if it is a solvable problem which is adequately dealt with and sufficient time is allowed for the change to occur, it will disappear. The current topic is only the example in which it is shown in the present moment.

Hiding information

A secret lives energetically with a couple, whether it has been made consciously aware or not. If you’re consciously hiding important information, that would lead to solving an issue, ask yourself: What is the benefit for me? What am I trying to get?

It might be about keeping the power structure between you and your partner intact or avoiding him or her leaving you. Once you have more insight, it’s up to you to move on.

Unsolvable issues

Relationship researcher John Gottman says that 69% of issues a couple have are unsolvable. So the question becomes not just about “How can we solve our issues?” but “How can we be happy despite our unsolvable issues (differences)?”

Why Your Are Not Successful in Communicating With Your Partner – Issue of Structure

December 31, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Are you truly listening to me when I’m talking?

Structural issue overview:

Un-resourceful ways of listening

Finishing the other person’s sentences
Lack of supportive non-verbal cues
Inability to truly listen (=active listening)

Un-resourceful ways of talking

Interrupting
Talking in monologue
Different structures of talking
Recycling old issues
Using any of the emotional-based strategies
Unhelpful situations, time or environment

Are you clear whether you are listening or talking?

Listening

The basis of every conversation is speaking and listening. Often, however, all we care about is what I want to say and not what the other person has said. Listening is something we expect to be able to do but if it hasn’t been trained and made aware, we are not truly able to actively listen.

What is active listening?

Wikipedia describes it as a communication technique, which requires the listener to feedback what they hear to the speaker, by way of re-stating or paraphrasing what they have heard in their own words, to confirm what they have heard and whether both parties understand it the same way.

In a normal everyday conversation this might feel stilted but when we are challenged in our conversations, it is a way to remove or diminish any assumptions (see also the articles on emotional issues affecting conversations and content issues).

Active listening also means putting aside your own agenda and truly focussing on what the other person is trying to convey. This will significantly help the other person feel understood – and isn’t that what we all want?

It means waiting for the other to finish, without interruptions and without finishing their statement in your own head or saying: “Yes, yes, I know what you’re trying to say.”

One last but not less important aspect is non-verbal cues: nodding your head in agreement, holding eye contact, facial changes that show you are listening, like frowning in astonishment are just examples. Some people are very stoic in their non-verbal cues and show minimal to none. Others are very expressive. The question is less about how much you show and more about whether you show that you are truly listening.

Talking

We all want to be listened to and we all want to get some talking time. A balanced couple’s conversation must have approximately equal talking time for each partner, taking personal talking styles into consideration. Women generally talk more and more often. Still, in a couple, there needs to be space for both.

Continuous interruptions will lead to frustration and subsequent emotionally based issues like stonewalling, shutting down or attacking.

Talking in monologue will lead to disinterest and cause a lack of or a lesser quality of listening. Listening gets tiring in a conversation if one person takes over.

People have different styles of talking, for example, some are very detailed and others prefer the broad view, the summary and are not interested in details. Notice and accept your different styles of talking.

By recycling old issues and using an emotional-based strategy, for example projecting, deflecting or personalising, the actual topic discussed is being diluted and avoided. If you drag old issues into the conversation you are less likely to resolve the topic at hand.

Unhelpful situations

When discussing, make sure that the time and space is suitable. Having family or children around will make it less effective because there are distractions or other people will add their opinion, asked or unasked.

Make sure you plan sufficient time, ask your partner beforehand and get yourself into the right state of mind (and emotion) for the best possible outcome.

Why You Are Not Successful in Communicating With Your Partner

December 26, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

A lot of couples struggle to successfully communicate on an issue (content) because they are unaware of the way they communicate (structure). Over time, unresolved hurt from previously escalated communication attempts to keep surfacing and dominating each conversation. This means that the lack of skilful communication structure impedes the resolution on a content level.

You are speaking lots, even while you are not talking…

Structural issue:

Un-resourceful ways of listening

Finishing the other’s sentences
Lack of supportive non-verbal cues
Inability to truly listen (=active listening)

Un-resourceful ways of talking

Interrupting
Talking in monologue
Different structures of talking
Recycling old issues
Using any of the emotional-based strategies

Unhelpful situations

unsuitable or not enough time
unsuitable environment

Emotionally based issues affecting communication:

blaming
criticizing
projecting
attacking
stonewalling
shutting down
disrespectful way of talking
name-calling
deflecting
personalizing
assuming without clarifying

Content issues:

Discussing more than one topic
Referencing past issues
Changing the topic
Assumptions and unspoken expectations
Consciously hiding important information
Adding different seemingly similar situations or topics

If you are truly aware and consciously reflecting on your communication, you will have noticed that ‘talking about something’ is never just as simple as it sounds.

Most of us believe that as adults we should be able to communicate, make someone and especially our partner understand what we mean and feel understood by them. What we fail to notice is that in any conversation, and especially with someone that you feel close, there is potential to be hurt based on what we decide to reveal. We are the most vulnerable with the people we share most intimately.

So, what can we do?

What are ways to repair the damage that has happened in a relationship and return to meaningful and successful communication?

First of all, we have to accept that even though we might be highly skilled at certain skills we can always learn and practice something and especially in areas like communication, even though we use it every day.

Second, we need to accept that we might be unaware or unconscious of our shortcomings. Experiencing misunderstanding and challenges, especially in our closest relationships are testimony to the fact that there are skills we need to update which we are still unconscious about.

Third, we need to be willing to learn and understand, have someone show us our blind spot and be humble enough to say: “OK, I might not yet be able to see it, but trust I can learn and practice to improve.”

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