self development/motivation

New Year New Grief

January 1, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

woman in pickup — Photo by averie woodard on Unsplash

Setting intentions for the New Year ’s intentions are all around at this time of the year. For many of us, bereaved parents, the holidays and New Year’s celebration with its ‘merry’ and ‘happy’ wishes can lead us to slide down and get lost in another grief rabbit-hole. We are left with the sentiment that nothing that the New Year brings can make the feelings of loss any better.

Surviving the Holidays

The good news:

Welcome on the other side. Take a breath. You survived the holidays.
As much as I love part of the holiday spirit, I often encounter myself in a quiet, unsociable mood and end up spending – at least some part of it – by myself. This is how I re-energize and re-calibrate for whatever newness might come with the New Year.

Setting Intentions

For the New Year, I asked the community of the Grieving Parents Support Network to share their intentions, relating to their grief. Here is what they said:

I spent the last year encumbered by grief, but unable to process. The loss of one twin and the survival of another have kept me in a state of limbo between that grief and the happiness being a first-time mom evokes. I have felt guilty for enjoying certain moments without Benji, just as much as I have felt guilty not enjoying others with his brother.
My intention for 2018 is to process and get to a point where that guilt isn’t there, in either direction.
I am creating a bucket list, it reiterates the last line of the poem “to live in a way that would make you proud” in memory of Sam 7/5/2015
I promise to hold onto hope even when I feel blind.
My New Year’s intentions are to keep Charlotte’s memory alive, to celebrate her birthday (15) and the day she gained her wings (28), to share pictures and videos of her that people haven’t seen on the 15th and 28th of each month, and to organize something for friends and family to participate in to remember Baby Charlotte.

Or it can be as simple as: “I intend to take one day at a time.”

Intentions don’t have to be hard and fast rules or goals as you would set them in a business plan. Whatever your intentions are, think about them as guiding principles that will lead you through the year.

Grieving in healthy ways, for me, means not to look for ways ‘to get over it’ or ‘through it’ as a way to get it done. It is about finding ways to be curious about what is stirring in my heart. Integrating not just the memory, but my ever-unfolding experience into my life. In this light, dear healthy grieved, here some New Year Review Questions for you:

What have you learned about yourself and grief/grieving?
What has changed since the loss of your child? Hint: make it specific. Look both for negative and positive things (for example I no longer take life for granted.)
What are you ready to let go?
How do you want to be with your grief in the New Year?

Looking Forward

What do you want to bring forward into this New Year?
Setting an intention can be powerful. Author Lynn McTaggart* has found that for something to occur it is 300,000 times more likely when one has set an intention.

INSPIRATION NEEDED?

You can check out mine on the GPSNetwork blog and take whichever you like.

* References can be found in the books by Lynn McTaggart: The Field and The Intention Experiment

This article was first published January 3, 2018 in Still Standing Magazine.

Who Is Your Spiritual Authority?

August 27, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

milky way — Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash

Going through life we learn from parents, teachers, lecturers, educators, coaches, trainers, workshop leaders, religious leaders, partners, and children. Spiritual seekers often learn from gurus. But who is your spiritual authority? Who tells you what’s right and what’s wrong? What to believe and from whom? When to apply what you have learnt and why?

The good, the bad and the useless

As a child, we learn and believe our parents. As pupils, we learn from our teachers. Sadly, not all the teaching we receive is beneficial. When the teaching is received in the formative years of a child, it is often taken on before they gain the ability to decipher between good and bad. As we grow older, we hopefully become more and more equipped to differentiate between what of the learning and beliefs we want to believe and what we need to throw overboard.

Experience and perception

If you were to ask me what I believe after all that I’ve been through, I wouldn’t be able to give you a simple answer. The answer is continuously changing and adapting to the current experience. The personal experience comes from within my body and my perspective of the current reality based on my perception, which is based on my learning and experiences in the past.

What have you been encouraged to believe?

Luckily I haven’t been brought up with strong religious dogma. My parents were liberal in their religious thinking and early on my dad encouraged me to read spiritual books about the kabala, numerology, meditation, hypnosis and various eastern religions. With any of those he used to answer my question “Do you believe this?” with his permissive statement: “I see this as a possibility, an option of many.”

Admiration of teachers

Encouraged to read and learn more I followed the breadcrumbs from one book to the next, picking and choosing what resonated with me. I have fallen into the trap of admiration of teachers and gurus, believing their version of the story to be the one. And I have been disillusioned many times and thrown my admirations over board.

Claim your spiritual authority

Just the other day, a new friend of mine said something about ‘claiming spiritual authority’ and I suddenly felt alert. When speaking more about the topic, she explained that in relating teachings to personal experience and picking and choosing what related to the self I suddenly felt my process and experience to be understood. She spoke more about the process of owning your own spiritual authority. This concept makes sense to me and it ties in with owning our body, mind, emotions and our spirit. I like it.

The only answer to the question above is: “I am!”

Should I Tell Him?

August 9, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Entering into a new relationship means starting at the beginning and sharing your story with each other. The older you get and the more experiences you have collected, the more potential for aspects of your past that seems unworthy of sharing. Maybe some of your experiences make you feel guilty, ashamed or even disgusted with yourself. So, should you tell your new partner the whole truth or not?

Is it relevant right now?

Recently, a client of mine tormented herself about a past secret affair and whether or not she should tell her new partner, given the new man knew the man from the affair. What I asked her first is: “Is this part of your past relevant to you now and how?”

In regards to an affair, ask yourself whether you still have feelings for the other person, which might impede in your new forming relationship.

Ask yourself: Does my past affair emotionally stand in the way of forming this new relationship?

Level or trust and vulnerability

A new relationship is at the building stage of trust. You need to give your partner and yourself the time and space to let this trust naturally build. In the beginning, you share only certain aspects of yourself and this is normal. Once you feel more secure you are naturally willing to be more vulnerable to share the less favourable aspect of your personality.

Ask yourself: What would I want to know from or about my partner? When am I ready to share with him the deeper aspects of myself?

Boundaries

The learning within a relationship always includes knowing yourself and defining who you are within that relationship. This means experiencing your boundaries, sharing them and standing up if they are being trespassed. At the beginning of a relationship, it is natural to accept more and be more forgiving.

Ask yourself: What and where are my boundaries? What would I want from a relationship and what is out-of-bounds?

Walk in their shoes

Changing the perspective is always a good way to gauge what you need to speak and what isn’t necessary.

Ask yourself: If he experienced what I had, would I want/need to know? When would I want to know and in how much detail?

The truth

Telling the truth and being honest has become a high standard and yet in our human experience, it needs to thought through a bit deeper. The truth has a time and place and that’s not always here and now.

In regards to telling the truth I like to ask myself these three questions first:

1. Is it absolutely true or have I just heard/read it?

2. Is ‘this truth’ kind?

3. Is it of benefit to the person to hear ‘this truth’ now?

If at least one of the questions receive a ‘no’ then I know it’s not the time and place to share.

What You Don’t Want In a Relationship

July 23, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

hands intertwined — Photo by Renate Vanaga on Unsplash

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This week I heard the song “I can’t go for that” by Rumer and Daryl Hall. It made me ponder the question of relationship boundaries. Have you thought about where your boundaries in a relationship are lately? Ponder with me…

The beginning

We usually start out with a relationship being in head-over-heels love for one another where we are tempted to full-heartedly believe in the romantic notion of “I’ll do anything for you”. Even though that is completely normal at the very beginning of a relationship, it is not normal, when you progress into everyday life.

The reality

When we relate with our partner past the honeymoon stage we usually come back to our more realistic self, meeting the more realistic self of the partner. That’s where, sometimes, the disillusionment sets in and some relationships fall apart.

In a perfect world

In everyday life and once we ‘come back to our true self’ we should, in a perfect world, re-evaluate our relating and discuss boundaries. What are the things, behaviours and actions you like or dislike and what is non-acceptable? Have you ever thought about it yourself, let alone communicated with your partner? Well, most couples would have to answer a truthful no – you’re not alone.

Where do you dare me to draw the line?

Start by thinking it through by yourself. Simply list things, behaviours and actions, in relation to your partner, in three categories: like/need – dislike but somewhat acceptable (borderline) – not acceptable or not possible.

Ask yourself:

From past experience or what I’ve seen and heard, what is it that I like and need in my relationship? It might be open communication, respect or honesty.
From past experience or what I’ve seen and heard, what is it that I dislike but can accept to a certain degree? It might be going out without telling me when you come back, taking my things (laptop) without asking or not communicating when we have visitors.
From past experience or what I’ve seen and heard, what is it that I dislike and is non-acceptable? It might be physical violence like hitting, stonewalling for days (not speaking as a form of punishment) or having sexual relationships outside our relationship.

I can’t go for that

Once you bring your list to an open discussion with your partner, you might find out that some things he/she likes, you don’t want to do or agree to or you simply might not be able to do. In the song, Daryl Hall says: “I can’t go for being twice as nice”. Your husband/partner might not be very social when visitors are around. Your wife/girlfriend might not want to be in a sexually open relationship.

Pretend or real? Dependent or honouring self?

You can choose the relationship you would like to be in, with your partner and also with your self. Choose wisely.

Doing something for someone else, even if it’s your partner, which speaks against your core values will sooner or later dissatisfy you.

9 Steps On How To Get Things Done

July 9, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Have you ever experienced that some of your tasks never seem to get done, even though they might be important and some even urgent? It is because they trigger some aversion, fear, worry, insecurity or boredom. Here is how you can get them done.

1. Make a list

Put aside 20 minutes and a take a fresh notebook. Start by making a list of all those things that you want to get done. This will create some free mental space and release some of the worries around forgetting them or the repercussions of not completing them.

2. Sort your list

Go through your list and sort your items into four categories:
a) urgent and important,
b) urgent but not important,
c) important but not urgent,
d) neither urgent not important

3. One off tasks or recurring jobs

One-off tasks may repeat themselves once in a while, like cleaning the garage, shopping for a winter jacket or creating a photo book.

Recurring jobs repeat themselves daily, weekly or monthly, like washing laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills or ironing.

Sort each of the categories a) to d) into one off tasks or recurring jobs.

4. Done automatically or not

Some of the things you’ve written done will get done automatically so you don’t need to spend time on them. Even though you might not necessarily like doing those things, they do not have an aversion big enough attached to them for you to avoid them at all cost.

Those which do not get done automatically need to be scheduled.

5. Scheduling

The tool I prefer to use is the Google calendar. It synchronizes with your smartphone and sends you a pop-up reminder if you set them accordingly.

– One-off tasks: Schedule them according to their urgency and importance into your calendar. Sit down, look over your timing for the coming week, or month and make an appointment with yourself to do one at the time.

– Recurring jobs: Create calendar entries and set them to repeat daily, weekly or monthly. Allow enough time and re-adjust if needed.

6. Pop-up reminders

If you use Google calendar you can add pop-up reminders from minutes to hours and days prior to the appointment you’ve set. Pick as many or few as you need to remind yourself, without annoying yourself with too many.

7. Reminders

I also use the reminders app on the computer and have a weekly schedule list with my recurring jobs. This works well if you feel good about ticking off items you’ve done.

These reminders also have the option to not only remind you of a specific time and date but also at a location. If you need to remember to buy something in a specific shop when you’re next there, set up a location reminder.

8. Dealing with aversion

If you notice aversion and avoidance with certain specific things after you’ve organized them, it is time to seek help in clearing those patterns. There are ways to get rid of them so you will be able to do your tax with much less time spent worrying and avoiding the issue!

9. Plan, plan and re-plan

Many times people stop after their first trial. Remember that 99% of the time the NASA flies to the moon they reprogram their route. If whatever you’ve sorted, scheduled, planned didn’t work out, start by changing and adapting to better suit your needs.

Maybe you need to

set more reminders?
allow more time?
Ask for someone’s help?

Remember:

If you work better with rewards, plan them in as well.
Do not over-schedule your diary. If you don’t plan time to eat, relax and sleep you will easily feel overwhelmed.
If you didn’t do what’s in the diary, re-plan it for the following day or week.

As Marie Forleo says: If it’s not planned in your diary, it’s not real.

The Secret Is In the Words – Choose Them Wisely

June 23, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

word quote — Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

As adults, we create meaning by the words we put onto experiences. “This was the worst day of my life” or “at least you have other children” are just examples of what we either say to ourselves, to others, either out loud or in our thoughts. The more we think about something, the more we believe it, the more it affects us emotionally, the more it creates our emotional, physical and mental state.

Listen to yourself

Once you start to listen to yourself and become sensitized to the verbal flow, you start to wonder whether what you hear is actually what you want to listen to. “This won’t get any better” and “I’m such a loser” often go unnoticed as part of our mind chatter.

Listen to others

When however we hear others speak to us in less than favourable terms, we notice it often more quickly and feel it stronger. Derogatory statement hurt. Comments delivered without grace, even though they are meant well, leave their painful scar. When others continuously speak to us in a way that leaves us feeling unsatisfied, we question or leave the relationship.

The relationship to yourself

You’ve got no choice: you’re stuck in relationship with yourself. The upside: if you decide to change, you only need to negotiate with yourself.

During the writing of my forthcoming book, I have been thoroughly thinking about the words bereaved parents use and the impact it has on their healing. This applies to all of us. What you think and say to yourself is responsible for your state, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Explain, please

The tendency of human beings to favour information that confirms their beliefs is referred to as confirmation bias. This effect is stronger for emotionally charged issues and for deeply entrenched beliefs. We habitually interpret ambiguous evidence as supporting our existing beliefs.

Examples

In the example of the parental bereavement community, you may hear statements like “He lost his battle with cancer” or “My daughter was taken from me”. Looking at the first statement, it presumes that a) dealing with cancer is a battle (sounds a bit like war) and b) death equals losing the battle and c) the situation was him against cancer. To soften or question the words chosen, ask yourself: What else could it be, rather than a battle? What other word would make you feel better, or less defeated? What if the situation was him and the condition side by side, what would that be like? What else could death equate to?

For the second statement, it presumes that a) my daughter is mine and b) death equals taken away. To change the sentiment around those words you can ask yourself: Are my children really mine or just lent to me? Does her death mean that I cannot have a relationship with her, not even in my thoughts?

Let me be clear: All those questions only need to be asked if you want to change something and it feels better afterwards. If this is not the case, simply stay with the thought patterns that serve you.

Something needs to change

That is usually the time my clients start counselling and coaching. They have made the decision that something needs to change. Sometimes it is because something in the outside world leaves them unhappy. For some (or most) it’s easier to see the ‘fault’ in someone else than finding what they can change within themselves that creates change. The truth is, we can only ever work on ourselves.