Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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Nathalie with Sharon Ehlers on Dealing With Suicide | Episode 13

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Sharon Ehlers Dealing with Suicide

Today Sharon Ehlers and I dive into the topic of loss by suicide. We both share how we dealt with losing close people who took their own lives. 

Sharon has lost multiple people in her life, two of which died by suicide. She shares so generously about all the tools and resources she found along her way that helped her deal with the losses after she realized that she wasn’t coping at all with the first loss of her best friend Joy. Attending to her grief and learning about death opened things for Sharon she wouldn’t want to miss and she says: 

The one thing that has changed that I wouldn’t want to miss is the fact of finding what feeds your soul. Certainly, as an intellectual person, it’s been about work all of my life and achieving to the point of craziness. And so now it’s like, what feeds your soul, and, in many cases, it may not be what you currently do. It may not be your work, maybe something else. And finding that is important.

Sharon Ehlers

About this week’s guest 

Sharon Ehlers’ grief and trauma journey began when her best friend as well as her former fiancé both died by suicide within two years of each other. Then her beloved Dad died unexpectedly from a fall. She was confused about why so many people either avoided her or didn’t want to talk about these events. Sharon tried to make sense of it all on her own, but “grief brain” made it tough to figure out what resources were available to help her. 

After years of struggling, Sharon conceptualized a multidimensional approach to grief and loss using Reiki and other spirituality-based tools. This eventually became her successful book, Grief Reiki® – An Integrated Approach to the Emotional, Physical and Spiritual Components of Grief and Loss. She also co-authored Grief Diaries: Surviving Loss by Suicide a finalist in the National Indie Excellence Awards, the Book Excellence Awards, and the Best Book Awards. 

Besides being an award-winning author, Sharon is also a Master Grief Coach Grief, Death Midwife, Reiki Master Teacher, and Medical Reiki Master. She has three beautiful children and lives in Los Angeles, CA. Her best lesson in life is: “Miracles do happen.”

Sharon’s Website: www.grief-reiki.com 

Topics discussed in this episode

  • Suicide: Sharon’s best friend Joy and ex-partner John both died by suicide
  • The death of Sharon’s father 
  • Dealing with the topic of suicide and the grief and trauma following a suicide
  • Trying to understand suicide and depression
  • ‘How did it happen?’ – the repercussions of this question 

Resources mentioned in this episode

Links

–> For more information, please visit Nathalie’s website. 

–> Subscribe to the newsletter to receive updates on future episodes here.

–> Join the podcast’s Instagram page.

Thanks for listening to HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA. If you’d like to be updated on future episodes, please subscribe to my newsletter on Nathalie Himmelrich.com

If you need grief support, please contact me for a FREE 30 min discovery session.

HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA is produced and edited by me, Nathalie Himmelrich. 

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Remember to keep breathing, I promise, it will get easier. 

Nathalie with Kellie Sipos on Drug Abuse and Multiple Losses | Episode 6

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Today I speak with Kellie Sipos who I met as part of being a guest on her podcast, My Child Left Home for Heaven. Kellie has experienced multiple losses within her own family which started with her father’s suicide, followed by the sudden unexpected loss of her sister. In 2018 she lost her daughter Emilie through an accidental drug overdose after which Kellie candidly shares how she herself abused drugs to manage her own grief. Just a few months ago, her mother, who she cared for the last few months of her life, died too. 

‘Emilie’s grief was so on the top of my heart every single day until I lost my mom. Now it’s like the grief of my mom is shadowing over top of the grief of Emilie, and I feel really guilty. I feel like I’m not grieving her appropriately. And then I realized: No, I’m just healing. I’m starting to move on from some of that. And yes, the grief with my mom is newer but that in time will be the same way. I think maybe having to go through it again somehow helped me get over that big hurdle of Emilie.’

Kellie Sipos

About this week’s guest 

Kellie Sipos is the mother of 4 daughters who tragically lost her oldest, Emilie to an accidental drug overdose on July 22, 2018.  Since this time Kellie has tried to stay focused on making a difference in this world. Working with children and young adults with Special Needs as a therapeutic riding instructor and an equine specialist. Mental health has always been her focus but since the loss of her child she is on a new mission, starting her podcast My Child Left Home for Heaven. Being an avid podcast listener she quickly found there were not a lot of podcasts on child loss from the Moms perspective. Kellie is also the state administrator for Drug Overdose Awareness and Moms Against Drugs as well as sharing her daughter’s story in the public school system to help bring awareness to the dangers of drug use. Keeping busy, speaking out and transparency in her grief have helped her to keep the joy in her life after child loss.

Topics discussed in this episode

  • The recent loss of her mother
  • Emilie, her drug addiction leading to her accidental drug overdose which killed her
  • Kellie’s granddaughter being taken away by her father after Emilie’s death
  • Drug addiction and abuse within the family and in the process of dealing with grief
  • PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) following the traumatic loss of Emilie
  • Suicide of her father, the sudden death of her sister
  • Post loss guilt and regrets
  • Compassion fatigue for therapists

Resources mentioned in this episode

Links

–> For more information, please visit Nathalie’s website. 

–> Subscribe to the newsletter to receive updates on future episodes here.

–> Join the podcast’s Instagram page.

Thanks for listening to HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA. If you’d like to be updated on future episodes, please subscribe to my newsletter on Nathalie Himmelrich.com

If you need grief support, please contact me for a FREE 30 min discovery session.

HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA is produced and edited by me, Nathalie Himmelrich. 

The Misunderstanding About Grief And Death

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Image by Nathalie Himmelrich

When I held my daughter in my arms as she drew her last breath I knew it.
When I learned that my mother had just died through suicide I knew it.

I speak boldly when I say that society largely misunderstands grief. Even as a trained psychotherapist specialising in grief and relationship, I misunderstood grief. I thought I understood it, knew about it. I was mistaken. What was interesting to me was that according to my clients I was well equipped to support people through their losses even though I didn’t fully understand grief.

From the perspective of personally LIVED loss experiences, deeply inhaling the grieving process, struggling to keep up the resilience to get up every day, dealing with mundane daily tasks… I really had no idea about grieving prior to my own losses and I believe not many people do – until life shows them death.

There are many unconscious biases and grief myths that are commonly used in our everyday language (see my articles on Downton Abbey Grief Theory Part 1 here and Part 2 here) that it comes as no surprise that society BELIEVES that:

  • Grief has a set timeline and it will be ‘over’ after that time
  • ‘Keeping it together’ and ‘not losing it’, meaning to not show emotions, are desirable signs of being strong and this is how we should show up
  • Replacing what was lost will resolve the grief (like ‘have another baby’)
  • If you just do something useful (=keep yourself busy) it will be better

And, to a certain degree, we as the bereaved ourselves believe these myths which make us stuff down our emotions, pretend we don’t feel them or numb them out with all kinds of (addictive) behaviour.

EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS

Openly feeling and authentically expressing our emotions is not encouraged in our society. ‘Don’t cry’ is probably the most used sentence responsible for children from a young age learning that emotional expression is not welcome. We often get shamed, judged, critiqued or even laughed at when showing our emotions and the pain of that vulnerability makes us shut down.

MISUNDERSTANDING:

Not feeling or not expressing the feelings makes the pain go away.
Keeping yourself busy will resolve any unpleasant feelings.

GRIEF TRUTH:

When loss has touched our lives and after the shock and numbness wear off, we are often overwhelmed by emotions. We need to speak about it, often much longer than the people surrounding us can bear to listen without being emotionally affected themselves.

TIMELINE

In a recent workshop on bereavement support, I heard the presenter mention that the average time of dealing with the bereavement is 2 to 3 years when losing a parent, 5 to 7 years when losing a partner and a lifetime when losing a child. Even though these are (again) suggested timelines, he also said that we all process loss differently and therefore the time span will vary from person to person.

MISUNDERSTANDING:

Grieving is done after a certain time. Bereaved people ‘should get over’ their loss and move on with life. Time heals all wounds.

GRIEF TRUTH:

Everyone’s experience of loss is unique. Everyone’s timeframe on when they are willing and able to integrate their loss and turn their attention back to life is different. And no, the loss will never be put ‘behind’ or ‘over’ – the loss stays a part of the bereaved person’s life.
Time on its own does not simply heal all wounds.

REPLACING THE LOSS

If you lose a child, the next child will not simply fill a space. It’s not possible. The hole in a parent’s heart will not be healed by another child. A new baby does not diminish the wishes, dreams and expectations you had for the one before.

MISUNDERSTANDING:

A rainbow child will heal the loss of a lost child.

GRIEF TRUTH:

The emotions following loss are present in some form or another. It’s natural that the parents will be busy with another child and therefore have less time and space to grieve. This does not, however, mean it’s resolved.

When death visited, I knew. I knew it in my cells. Death was filling me equally with awe as it filled me with devastation. I knew that this was the single biggest emotional experience my life had trusted me with so far.

Looking back I know now that…
My soul was ready for the experience; my humanness, however, was thrown into the painful path of grief.
My soul knew I was resilient; my humanness struggled for months and years.
My soul knew its purpose and my humanness was yet to embark on the journey to find out.

From Depression to Suicide

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depression girl on chair
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

Today we all heard the news of Robin Williams’ death through suicide. How sad. I do not read the news but I start my day by browsing Facebook, especially now that I’m in the last stretch of publishing my forthcoming book Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple. The news feed today was full of Robin Williams’ pictures, quotes, movie references… a display of people’s love and admiration for his craft and talent of having an impact on people’s lives.

Reading about his death I noticed that, unbeknownst to me, he had depression and committed suicide. I had multiple conversations with people who said things like: “He was such an inspiring character, it’s unbelievable that he was depressed” or “He was so successful, I can’t believe he committed suicide.” It’s the question of theodicy, a topic I cover in my book:

The question of theodicy

“Why do bad things happen to good people?” is the most common version of the theological question around why evil is possible in this world. Religious parents are faced with the question of why a good God permits the manifestation of evil, like the death of their child. Any variation of the post-loss “why” questions can become a way of amplifying loss. According to Dr L. Michael Hall, focusing on getting to acceptance as quickly as possible takes the semantic power out of the “why” question. If overused, the “why” question can become a way to amplify loss.

I just want to know why!

It is completely natural to want to make sense. Unfortunately, there is little to no chance of finding an answer that will quench the thirst for finding the answer that would explain the tragedy. In regards to suicide from depression I have personal experience through my mother’s death which apparently happened in a similar way as Robin Williams’ death.

  • People suffer depression, no matter their IQ, EQ, the success or the amount of fame, friends, status, toys, things they possess.
  • People commit suicide no matter how much they are loved, cherished, admired, known, in the public eye (or not).
  • People, suffering from depression who commit suicide have people who love them and who have told them so every day.
  • Depression is like a bottom-less cup where any love poured in evaporates, not through their ill will but because of their depression.
  • In the moment of self-chosen death, many suicide victims have tunnel vision and do not think of the people they leave behind.

I had some in-depth conversations with my mum following her first few suicide attempts. At the time I was 19 weeks pregnant and was furious that she would have me go through grief while being pregnant with the twin girls. “I just wanted to end this pain, it had nothing to do with you or anyone else” – my mother’s words when we were talking about her previous attempts. “I know grief would be hard at the beginning but it will get easier with time,” she added… I shook my head in disbelief. She must be out of her mind.

In retrospect she was ‘out-of-her-mind’ and she was able to see the bigger picture. She was right: It will get easier with time.

Grief Reflections

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grief quote
Image by Nathalie Himmelrich

The experience of grief is with no doubt one of the toughest life lessons you have to master. Having lost one of my twin daughters on her 3rd day, as well as my mother through suicide following her depression I speak from personal experience. Being able to accompany my daughter in her passing has been an experience that no words could do justice. The gifts unveiled have been and still are beautiful and painful alike.

The greatest teacher of all

The other day, someone asked: Who is your biggest teacher in life? Without thinking I would have to say, my two daughters. The experience of giving life and observing the transition between life and death have been the deepest experiences in my life so far. Processing grief is a road frequently travelled, yet I have not met many travellers enjoying the trip. Finding new, different and meaningful perspectives is my intent and reflecting on grief has been the inevitable journey of the past 3 years.

Grief Reflections

Reflecting on your journey of grief, looking at the challenges families face while grieving for their loved ones will allow you to gain awareness and insights above and beyond the pain. There is no way to stop or shortcut the grieving process, no way out. There are however ways to make the journey survivable.

Who’s dying?

Death brings up existential questions: Who am I? What’s the meaning of life, and death? Why are we here, what is our purpose? Why do loved ones have to die? Reports brought back from people with Near Death Experiences recall the beautiful aspects of the transition and those I have read mention that they would not have come back to their earthly lives, did they have the choice. This, to me, means there is nothing to fear in death. In fact, since holding my daughter while she took her last breath, I have lost the fear of death. Really, the people who stop living after a loved one has died, are the ones who are dying.

Why would we want to reflect on something painful?

Because that’s what painful experiences require. A blister on your foot asks you to stop walking, to attend to your wound and look after its healing. The same applies to emotional pain. It is a normal human reaction to want to stop the pain. Avoiding might temporarily stop the pain but not resolve it. Reflecting on pain will help you gain perspective and insight and work towards a resolution. Whatever way you choose, both take time. Remember that ‘doing the right thing’ does not necessarily instantly mean ‘no pain’. If the blister is there, not walking will stop you from creating more pain but what is already there, must first heal.

Responding To Grief

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Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

There are lots of words written about what NOT to say in response to grief but not enough about HOW to respond to grief. This is my experience about what could help when in grief. It specifically is my experience in relation to the death of my 3-day-old baby and the suicide of my mother, it may however also be the case for other people’s grief in different circumstances.

Asking Questions

Inquire how I’m doing, what I’m feeling. Don’t tell me ‘it must be hard’ or ‘you must feel so awful’. Ask me, don’t tell me. Ask again tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. Be gentle when asking, it needn’t be an interrogation.

I’m So Sorry

This is the simplest and most appropriate sentence. It bridges any ‘I don’t know what to say’ moment, an awkward silence that you might be tempted to fill with clichés. Don’t. Just say ‘I’m sorry for your loss’.

Show You Care

The little messages ‘I’m thinking of you’ on the anniversary of my daughter’s or my mother’s death mean a lot. It doesn’t even have to be on that day only. Tell me ‘I hear you’, ‘I’ve been thinking of you’ or ‘I read your blog’. Just recently I received a touching message from someone I don’t even know telling me how much my blog touched her. She was a 38-year-old identical twin who had lost her twin sister when she was 10 days old. I never knew who my writings touch if she didn’t tell me.

Continue To Interact

I must have stunned many people into silence with my grief spell. It’s OK to be contacting me again and again, even if I might not have the energy to hold long conversations. Social interactions are more tiring, yet I still crave to be with people once in a while. I’m no longer the person I was pre ‘date with death’ and as much as I’m sometimes wanting that person back, I have to deal with ‘the new me’. Please try it too.

Accept Me

It’s hard enough to BE sad and depressed, trust me. I’m learning to accept being with what is at any moment. If you can accept that too, you won’t need to make me feel better, offer me advice, solutions, or try and tickle me with humour. Just accept me as I am.

Be With Me

There doesn’t need to be much talking, just even the knowledge that you are not afraid of being in my presence no matter what it will be like. Offer your presence. Even if it’s just by holding my hand.

Respect My Space and My Beliefs

You might believe in God or that ‘it wasn’t meant to be’. Whatever it is, keep it to yourself. You cannot know where I stand in relation to your beliefs. Leave me with mine. Respect where I am in regards to what I believe or even where I might have lost any faith and trust.

No One Really Knows Why

You might be tempted to find reasons, but really no one really knows the answer to the ‘why’ question. Instead of assuming, just ask me how I am today.

Acknowledge The Dead Person

I do understand that you might fear my reaction if you speak about my baby or my mother. Do trust that by acknowledging or talking about them you honour their memory. Say their name.

Respect That I Won’t Get Over It

I didn’t really understand the depth of grief before my personal experience. You do not need to understand it to accept and respect that holding my child in my arms as she passed isn’t something that I will EVER get over. I am learning to live with it, whatever that means. Anything can and will trigger the grief and I don’t always know when or why…

A Word About Comparisons and Stories

No loss compares to another loss. No grief compares to another person’s grief. Do not even attempt to tell me about someone else’s loss or compare me to another person. They all have their stories and their ways of dealing with it. They are all valid. And so is mine.

Tact and Respect

By all means tell me about what is going on in your life, no matter how trivial or devastating it might be. I can handle it if you handle my response with tact and respect. (What I do not need at the moment is trivializations of women who got pregnant and didn’t even want to have yet another child or mothers who abort their baby because of its gender.)

Time

Time is not linear when it comes to grieving. Whether the loss happened just weeks ago, months or years is not respective of the amount of grief that someone is experiencing. ‘She should be over it by now’ is out of the question, it will never ever apply.

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

    Copyright © 2012 - 2022 Nathalie Himmelrich