sexuality/intimacy

Relationship Wisdom – Create A Relationship Vision

November 20, 2013 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

view into the sunset — Photo by Matt Noble on Unsplash

Many couples head into a relationship with lots of enthusiasm. This is good, right? This is what makes most relationships so interesting and exciting at the beginning. There are a lot of assumptions created from the honeymoon period hormones, which are then turned into expectations for the remainder of the relationship. Let’s have a look at how we can start with a bit more openness, reality check and clarity.

You used to tell me every day how beautiful I am

If receiving affirmative comments to you is a high priority value you will have been sold by those statements and swept away into feeling loved. He fulfilled one important need and turned the key and unlocked your heart. This is a beautiful way to start a romance but what if those beautiful words were just present at the happy beginning?

Starting over

Creating a relationship vision, like any other vision for life or business, has the potential to move you forward in life as a couple and support you in a satisfying partnership. When this vision in based on your personal values, the things that give meaning to your life, it will also ignite and bring more meaning to you as a couple. You can do this any time, the sooner the better.

What is a Relationship Vision?

By creating a vision you make clear what you want. You are describing in words what you can see, feel, hear and smell, based on your values and purpose. This vision can be a one-year, three-year, five-year or ten-year vision.

How can we create our Relationship Vision?

It is an advantage if both partners equally desire to create more meaning and put the time aside to work on a relationship vision. It is also possible to create a relationship vision if you are still single and want to imagine the kind of partnership you want to invite into your life.

Step 1: Identify your personal values

Values are those things that truly matter most to you. It might be honesty, openness, creativity, freedom, etc. Start by making a list of the 20-50 most important values for you and rate them from 1 to 5, 1 being very important, 5 being less important. Notice all the values scored as 1 or 2 and make a list of the top five core values that you cherish the most.

Step 2: Identify your relationship values

Relationship values are those things that truly matter most to you in regards to your relationship and your partner. Do this alone before sharing with your partner. Do it in the same way as you came up with your personal values but remember that there are specific relationship values that you might like to add, for example, intimacy, creating a family together, physical proximity etc.

Step 3: Compare your personal and your relationship values

Notice whether both of your values work together. Be honest with yourself and whether you are compromising your personal values for your relationship values. If necessary, align them so there is no compromise.

Step 4: Write your relationship vision

Pick a time frame: 1-year, 3-year, 5-year or 10-year and write from that moment, describing what you see, feel, hear etc. Use present tense and state as if you are looking through your eyes. Make sure you include the values that are most important to you. Remember to make this vision achievable and believable for you but let it stretch your imagination.

Step 5: Read it aloud

First, read it aloud to yourself. Then, if you have a partner, read it to them. Ask them to listen attentively and encourage you with their whole being.

Living according to your personal and relationship values and being aware of your partner’s values will give you greater relationship satisfaction in itself. Once you have openly shared your vision with your partner there might be goals you want to set together or other conversations coming up regarding what you want to achieve together.

Remember that this might bring up insecurities as well as excitement. Being truthful to yourself and to your partner will make your relationship more real and propel you towards your personal vision and purpose.

Relationship Wisdom – I Just Do Not Love My Partner Anymore

October 24, 2013 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

hands on chest — Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

It will have happened to most of us that we experience ‘love’ as an emotion, which does not remain forever. The notion of ‘forever’ however still lives on in our heads, either through what we have learnt from fairy tales, films or society’s expectation. Is forever outdated in today’s society?

Changes in dependency

We do not have to go back far in time to see that even just 50 years ago partners in relationships where much more dependent on each other than nowadays. Social structures where the man was the breadwinner and the woman stayed at home and looked after the children were much more the norm. Nowadays, besides other movements towards independence, women, in particular, are no longer required to stay in a relationship. They have options, which they did not have in the last century.

Changes in family structures

The composition of families has gone through a rebirth in the last 100 years. The tendency to divorce, and therefore the chances of remarrying, has increased over the last decades. In Switzerland for example the divorce rate has clearly increased from 13% in 1970 to 43% today. Single parents or blended family structures are common, which means that partners are less likely to continue living in a relationship that is less than satisfying.

Relationship development

There are still many of my clients who long to experience a relationship that would sustain the honeymoon love experience over years. The fact of relationship development however shows that this first initial love will have to transform into another kind of love for one another. This process of change is also often complicated by life’s challenges like financial struggles, job loss, inability to deal with conflicts, death in the family, etc.

Stages of relationship

So if the reality is that our love for each other changes, what can we do at that stage? You basically have two different choices: either you continue meeting new people to love so you can continue the beginning stage of love over and over again or you learn about being in a relationship past this point. Love is an experience of inter-connectedness, which can be experienced with many different people in various situations, like during a conversation with a friend or playing with your child.

I don’t love my partner anymore

Not loving your partner anymore does not necessarily have to mean that you have to end the relationship but maybe learn more about it, the people involved and then make an informed decision.

If however, your relationship has run its course, separation might be the best solution. If you are still unsure, you might want to investigate a bit deeper and analyze and feel into what is going on. If your thoughts are leading nowhere, consider talking to someone who is specialized in this topic like a counsellor, coach or mediator.

Relationship Wisdom – My Wife Does Not Want To Have Sex

October 16, 2013 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

woman behind curtain — Photo by Monika Kozub on Unsplash

Lack of sexual desire is a common relationship challenge that couples face. It does not always have to be the female partner who has the reduced sex drive. Couples facing this issue however do seldom have an erectile dysfunction. This article will look a bit deeper into these different issues.

Clarification of different terms

Erectile dysfunction or impotence is the term used when a man is not able to maintain or develop an erection of the penis during sexual intercourse. This can occur as a physical impotence or psychological impotence.
Libido, also referred to as sex drive, is a person’s (male and female) desire for sexual activities such as intercourse.

Reasons for reduced sex drive

There are various reasons that can influence the sex drive: physical factors such as hormones like testosterone, psychological factors such as personality, beliefs, stress or social factors such as societal beliefs, as well as family ideas and imposed rules. Other physical factors to keep in mind are smoking, alcohol and drug abuse, which also cause imbalances in your hormones, as well as medications, like anti-depressants, so check with your doctor. A women’s libido is strongly related to her menstrual cycle.

The duration of the relationship, as well as transitions like becoming parents or getting a new job or losing one’s job greatly influence the sex life as well as other areas of the relationship. Fertility problems, being pregnant, having a new born a baby, personal changes like menopause etc. all influence not just the personal emotional, physical and mental balance and well-being but also the couple’s.

Effects on relationship

Changes in desire for sexual activity or erectile dysfunction often have a big influence on relationship satisfaction. In both situations it is recommend getting professional help after checking any potential physical problems with your doctor.

Differences in libido between partners is not just common but the rule in most relationships. It does not always have to be gender stereotypically the man who has more sex drive.

When is Couples Coaching or Counselling required?

Once you have out-ruled any potential physical components it is time to look at the individual and couples patterns of interacting, communicating and strategies for creating intimacy. Often we continue to live and love by out-dated rules and beliefs we acquired from our parents and have not yet learnt a new and more suitable way of interacting in today’s relationship.

Just because you are an adult does not mean that you have got all the keys sorted out in relating well to your spouse. Having been together for five or more years also does not mean you know ‘everything’ about him or her. Most importantly I can promise you that ‘things that worked at the beginning of the relationship’ won’t work for ever. And – you change over time and so do your partner and your relationship.

Another interesting observation I have found in couples work over the years is that fear of intimacy might actually increase with the duration of the relationship. Knowing the soft or sore spots of your partner does not guarantee that you will always treat them accordingly.

Can the relationship be saved?

Every relationship needs to be cared for like your garden needs constant watering and weeding. This is the time when you need to update your way of relating if you don’t just want to throw it all away and start again with a new relationship. Sooner or later, you will get to this point with a new relationship, so it’s up to you whether you want to resolve the issue or postpone them.

Relationship Wisdom – What Stops You From Having Sex With Your Partner?

July 17, 2011 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

couple having sex — Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

Reading the statistics about how often a couple has sex makes some wonder: ‘What’s wrong with me?’ The fact is that these numbers are not necessarily representative of the whole population. Still, the question remains: What stops you from having sex with your partner?

We used to have sex all the time!

We can find a multitude of reasons why the frequency of intimacy and sexual intercourse in specific usually decreases over the course of a relationship. First of all, it depends on the libido of the people involved, so keep that in mind while continuing to read this article. One reason that applies to all of us is that at the beginning of a relationship, while a couple is filled with ‘honeymoon hormones’ the drive to have sex is the highest. Given that this state lasts anywhere from six to 18 months and then decreases, it makes sense that so does the desire. This reason is based in biology and it is said that it is linked to the average time it takes to procreate and conceive a baby.[Tweet “We used to make love all the time…”]

Other reasons

In addition to that we also enter into a different way of interacting as the relationship progresses. Some couples move in together, have babies, jobs, bills to pay and life takes over. From being very focused on the other at the beginning of the relationship we come back to ourselves a bit more. Where at the beginning of a relationship you meet and all you do is focus on each other, later you might spend time in the same location with each other and you might be doing some work, paying bills, doing some housework etc.

Maturing relationships

With time we are also less able to just show the ‘perfect me’ and become more of the ‘real me’, which at times has negative emotions spilling over or annoying habits showing up. In all relationships that I have been working with it has also been obvious that the longer a relationship lasts, the more reactions are experienced to the differences in a couple. Things that might not have been obvious in the beginning suddenly stand out as if they are highlighted. And some of these lead to disappointment, resentment and conflict.

Get your mind out of the way

The strongest block in sexuality that I have come across in my couples work is the mind. Next time you deny your partner sex, ask yourself: What’s going on in my mind? What am I telling myself about him or her, about the situation etc.? The power of your mind can stand between you and your partner’s sexual enjoyment. In addition, it is where we hold our limiting beliefs (for example I’m not sexy enough, I shouldn’t enjoy sex or sex is bad), judgments (for example He’s just not doing it right, she is not willing to be experimental etc.) and rules (for example I can only have intercourse when…). If you start listening to your inner conversations, you will get an idea of the powerful blocks you’ve set up for yourself!

Relationship Wisdom – High Desire Versus Low Desire Partner

June 28, 2011 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

In any relationship, you will sooner or later come across differences, which ultimately challenge you and the harmony of the relationship. One very common difference is the difference in sexual desire. This article will help you understand this topic better and answer some of your questions.

High desire and low desire partner

I recently came across a book by Dr David Schnarch, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist who is an expert on marriage and sexuality. In his book Intimacy & Desire, he introduces the pattern of high desire and low desire partner. This does not only apply to sexuality – it actually describes any kind of difference. Schnarch says: ‘The low desire partner and the high desire partner are positions in a relationship on virtually any issue and decision in your relationship.” There is always one partner who wants to do something and the other who doesn’t, or wants to do it less. So actually, to be correct, the two positions mean that there is one who has a higher desire and one who has a lower desire. It is all a question of comparison.

Part of personality or situational?

These two positions shift on different issues so they are situational. You might be the high desire partner for sex, but our partner might be the high desire partner for intimacy or connection. It is also possible that the partner that started out as being the high desire sex partner at the beginning of the relationship, ends up being the low desire partner later. It is important to accept that neither positions are character nor personality traits, which will help you become less defensive or feel less inadequate or defective.

So where is the problem?

There isn’t any – the only problem really is how you as an individual and as a couple deal with the facts. Neither of the positions has a problem as such, if there isn’t an addiction or something else driving the position. The person with the lower desire is only in this position due to the other partner having a higher desire. In another relationship these positions might be reversed.

Sexual desire problems are part of any healthy sexual relationship!

Control

Schnarch makes it clear that it is a fact that the partner with the lower desire controls the situation. Again, this does not only apply to sex. Often couples start blaming each other for their positions, thinking that they have taken them to either ‘get back’ at the other or ‘punish’ the partner. Remember that the partner with the lower desire has not chosen this position and also not the control that inevitably comes with it.

The same applies, for example, to the household task. The person with the least desire for household chores controls when, how, and if theirs get done. If you are in the position of higher desire in regards to household chores the only way is to wait for your partner to take responsibility and obviously by bringing the topic to the conversation but it doesn’t change the fact of the control.

Masters of relationships realize and accept that 69% of their issues are perpetual problems (according to relationship expert Dr John Gottman). This means that they are unsolvable. The way to deal with them is to keep communicating about them within the relationship.

sexuality/intimacy

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Nathalie Himmelrich