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Nathalie Himmelrich

Inspiring Hope | Finding healthy ways of Grieving | Writer

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family of origin

Grief 10 years on

January 19, 2022 By Nathalie Himmelrich 4 Comments

Even though the time that has passed since death
does not determine the amount of grief left to be felt,
it still gives us information
on the length of time
we managed to survive without them.

Nathalie Himmelrich
From Nathalie Himmelrich´s private archives

What does grief and grief work look like 10 years on?

Today is my mother’s 10th year death anniversary. She died from suicide following years of depression, just 4.5 months after my daughter’s death.

First of all, it feels partly unreal that it’s already 10 years and partly I’m in sort of disbelief about the fact that she died at all.

Let me be clear: I’m cognitively absolutely clear that she is dead. And still, it’s somehow strangely unreal.

Grief still works through me

Today, I noticed feeling on edge, easily annoyed by trivial things. That’s normal and to be expected when the layer of ice over grief is thinned through an anniversary date. Honestly, I think my physical body is aware of and reacting in response to the approaching anniversary way before the mind catches up.

Feelings come and go

I let myself sit with feelings as they come and go, choose to look at memories and photos in honour of her, become teary looking at certain ones, plan to visit the cemetery, and leave ten roses for her. I feel restless, a bit lost, and let myself be in it. And then I do something else for a while and let it rest.

How long has it been for you? How do you feel around your loved one’s death anniversary? Share with me here.

Grief over time

If you want to read more about how grief changed over the years, you might find the following articles interesting to read:

10 years into grief (child loss)

  • The Purpose of Grief
  • How Did You Survive Child Loss?

7 years into grief (child loss)

  • The Evolution Of Grief: Grieving In The Seventh Year
  • Death Anniversary: The Body Remembers

6 years into grief (child loss)

  • The Birthday Of The Child Who Isn’t Alive

5 years into grief (child loss)

  • Learning To Live Without You

4 years into grief (sibling loss, mother loss, child loss)

  • Gusts Of Grief – 4.5 years into grief seen through the eyes of a surviving twin (sibling loss)
  • You Have Got To Be Strong Now – reflections on my mother´s death 4 year into grief (mother loss)
  • Dear Child Of Mine – 4 years into grief (child loss)

3 years into grief (child loss)

  • It’s 3 Years Today That I Held You In My Arms: The First, The Last, The Only Time

2 months into grief (child loss)

  • Grief – A Very Personal Experience

Filed Under: child loss, family of origin, from personal experience, grief support, grief/loss, grieving parents Tagged With: death anniversary, grief 10 years on, grief and time, time heals

💭 I daydream…

September 15, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich 18 Comments

I daydream about … 💫 who they would have become ✨

Grief Quote by Nathalie Himmelrich

Last night I went to Ananda Mae’s parents’ evening at the school. Every parent had to introduce their child given it was a new formation of kids.

As I heard the other parents describe their child, mentioning their siblings, I went off daydreaming about AM’s sister, A’Mya.

Who would you have become? What would it be like for the two to go to the same school, or even class? To share friends, experiences, and birthdays?

Just the other day Ananda Mae had asked me to daydream with her about her sister. She asked exactly those questions. “Mum, would A’Mya look just like me?” “I imagine very similar, given you are identical twins,” I replied.

Go ahead, daydream

Daydreaming about a future that cannot be is a way of remembering. Remembering your loved one. Living a relationship, learning to be in a new relationship when the kind of relationship we would have wanted to live is no longer possible.

Whoever came up with the notion ‘not to grow up the child/baby who died’ (I remember it was a therapist 🤦🏽‍♀️ – not me though) was wrong. It is completely normal and natural to do so, at least in my experience and the experience of her surviving twin.

Thank you for being right here and now with me 🕊

Filed Under: authenticity, child loss, family of origin, from personal experience, grief support, grief/loss, grieving parents, parenting Tagged With: child loss, grief, grief and loss, grief support, grieving, grieving a child, grieving parents, relationship

Mother’s Day After Loss

May 6, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

My Mother and her grand-child – Personal Archive

This article was originally published in the Erlenbacher Dorfbott, May 2017

I walk along Bahnhofstraße, past the parish hall, and reach the Erlenbach church. Although I am not religious, I am sometimes drawn there. It is a place of retreat, a place of silence and reflection. I walk through the gate, along with the old and new graves, down the stairs, past the statue of the young girl, and go to the community grave right by the lake. Through the bushes and branches, I can see the vastness of the lake with its mirror-like surface. This is my mother’s final resting place, the place she chose before she died.

The funeral

I was here for the first time when my mother was buried a little over five years ago. We had arrived from Sydney a few days earlier, from summer to winter. I remember walking as a family from my parents’ home to the church. It was a cold January day, but I didn’t feel much of that. I met familiar faces that I had hardly seen during my 15 years abroad. At 2 p.m. the church bells rang to signal the beginning of the funeral sermon. Even today the church bells remind me of that day. The church was full to bursting. We sat in the front row, in front of us on an easel a picture of my mother. I still couldn’t believe it. It had only been a week since my father called to tell me she had died. I turned around and saw the crowd, all the friends, acquaintances, and relatives who were here to honor my mother.

Mother’s Day without a mother

Soon it will be Mother’s Day again. This day, which is for all mothers, is emotionally complex. On the one hand, because my mother is not here. On the other hand, because I have another daughter besides my bright, soon-to-be six-year-old daughter. One that no one sees and few people remember: her twin sister, who died on the third day after her birth. In the span of four and a half months, I became a mother, a mother without her younger daughter, and a motherless daughter.

…and without a child

My first Mother’s Day five years ago was also my first Mother’s Day without my mother. As a half-orphaned daughter, the well-meaning sayings of Mother’s Day cards burned me like salt on a wound. I became painfully aware that on Mother’s Day my younger daughter would never make a drawing, leap towards me and fall around my neck. It’s a fact I’m still acutely aware of today and one that requires me to take a deep breath. I’m hardly the only one who feels this way. That the mother will eventually die is to be expected. But did you know that one in four pregnancies ends in loss? Losing your baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or having to bury your child happens more often than you think. Mother’s Day has become so commercialized that it is impossible to avoid it. In my case, it inevitably reminds me of what I no longer have.

Many people carry their grief in silence. Pregnancies, according to the advice of gynecologists, ‘should’ not be told before the 12th week, as the percentage rate of loss drops noticeably in the second trimester. Even if people may not show it so openly – a loss (of one’s own mother or a child) never passes someone by without leaving a trace.
As a psychotherapist, I have been working with people in grief for 15 years. So one might assume that I should have been prepared for the grieving experience. But that knowledge, while it helped me understand my process, had no diminishing effect on the emotional roller coaster I had to go through.

Do you have other children?

The often-asked question, “Does your daughter have any siblings?” is one that I meet with openness and honesty. However, many react helplessly when they hear my story. The reality that my child died in my arms makes people speechless. Infant death is taboo. It does not correspond to the natural sequence when children die before their parents. Parents do not even want to imagine this situation. Some break off the conversation, others avoid me. Few continue to talk and have the courage to ask questions. It is my intent to show them that I am not hurt if they continue to talk or ask questions. I want to encourage people to deal more openly with death and grief. Even if we don’t want to admit it, sooner or later we all have to deal with it.

Since I returned from Australia with my family almost five years ago, we have been living in Erlenbach, my mother’s last home. Living here connects me with her. After a period of adjustment, I feel very comfortable today. I cherish my home and Erlenbach is the place my daughter will remember as her first home. People continue to be present even when they are no longer physically in this world. I have been very aware of this since the death of my daughter and my mother. Perhaps you, who are reading this, know a mother who cannot raise all her children, or a daughter who no longer has a mother. Have the courage to reach out to them.

This coming Mother’s Day, I will walk to the cemetery again. Not out of sadness for the loss, but out of remembrance and gratitude to the mother who contributed a lot to what I am doing with my life.

Filed Under: child loss, emotions/feelings, family of origin, grief/loss Tagged With: bereaved mother's day, mother's day, mother's day after loss, mothers day

Gusts Of Grief

January 22, 2021 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Grief Quote by Nathalie Himmelrich
Handlettered Quote by Nathalie Himmelrich

My 4 ½-year-old just crawled into my bed, yawning and stretching.
“Good morning, sweetheart.”
“Good morning, mum.”
I had just woken up a minute before she turned up at my bedside and was still in the land between asleep and awake. The next thing caught me by surprise.
“Mum, if only my sister wasn’t dead,” followed by a moaning sound.
“Yes, dear, that would be nice,” I reply and gently pulled her closer.
“Mum, did Mimi love me?” (Mimi is the name of my mother – her grandmother – who died from suicide 4 ½ months after her sister’s death.)
“Yes, she loved you very much.”
“Why did she have to die? How did she die?” 

Silence. An internal sigh. What do I respond?
Weighing the different options in my head, she’s already repeating her question.
Still, I’m grappling for an answer and I can’t think when she talks.
Telling the truth would be my choice but only if it’s age and situation appropriate.
Finally, I answer by saying “I will explain this to you later” and try to distract her continuous questions along the lines of “but why…?”.

Even though the sea of my grief is calm, I had to learn to live with the gusts of wind that come from the outside. Through her perspective I learn about a delayed form of grief, a yearning for her sister, a consciousness which only started to dawn around her 4th birthday.

She’s just representing one kind of gust of wind. There are others, which still catch me by surprise.
Today I saw two pregnant women and noticed a tinge of sadness at the fact that I won’t be pregnant again. We won’t have a sibling for little miss bliss.
Our preschool is holding a parent’s evening with the topic of ‘siblings’ this week. I decided not to attend, even though the teacher assured me that the talk would include the topic of one-child families.

And yet, you might say: ‘But you’ve got one.’
Yes, I have one.
Still, sadness over the yearning to mother does not magically get cured because I have one.

~~~~

The day ended with my daughter stroking my stomach.
Pensively she drew her fingers over it and spoke softly:
“Are you sure there isn’t a baby in your tummy?”
I lovingly looked into her eyes as I replied: “Yes, we are sure.”
“Have you looked?” she continued hopefully.
Hugging her tight I felt her head leaning softly against my shoulder.
“I’m sorry, possum, there is no baby in here.”

~~~~

And even if there was a baby, I can only echo the words of a fellow loss-mum on Instagram: “Life isn’t magically better when a new baby comes. In some way grief resets due to all the things we do with S that we never got to do with R.”
There is no ‘Life is magically better when…’ or ‘Grief is magically over when…’.

Shifting to an understanding and acceptance that the emotional relationship will never cease when the physical body is gone makes it easier to accept the ebb and flow of the sea of emotions. I don’t want to call it just grief because truthfully, my life was full of emotions before my losses, grief included.

¸.•*¨`*•✿      ✿      ✿•*´¨*•.¸

And… most important:
Talking about the daughter and sister (or mother) that isn’t physically here does not have to mean ‘not moving on’ or ‘grieving’ – for me, it means
REMEMBERING.

¸.•*¨`*•✿      ✿      ✿•*´¨*•.¸

This article was first published April 6, 2016 in Still Standing Magazine.

Filed Under: authenticity, child loss, family of origin, from personal experience, grief/loss, grieving parents Tagged With: child's grief, children grieve, grief attack, grief through the years, gusts of grief

Surviving Child Loss As a Couple

October 11, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple

The loss of a child is without any doubt one of the most challenging experiences I have gone through in my life both personally and in my relationship.

The most important aspect I have found through my survey of more than a hundred people and through interviewing parents one-on-one are:

  • Understanding different ways of grieving
  • Accepting the differences
  • Allowing each other time to grieve.

The 5 steps to survive your loss as a couple

Grief and death are topics that make a lot of people uncomfortable. Since you and I have both experienced the loss of a child, we know this from personal experience. You as a couple have a common source for your experience of loss. Nonetheless, even though the source may be the same, the experience itself can be very different. When, where, and how the experience differs is the point at which you need to keep working with each other to stay connected.

The main causes for stress in the relationship post-loss are that couples:

A. Have different grieving styles and are unaware of them

B. Don’t recognize, don’t understand, or don’t accept each other’s style

C. Think / feel the other is not grieving properly

D. Expect the other to grieve like they do.

Overview

  • Step 1 ALLOWING
  • Step 2 AWARENESS
  • Step 3 ACKNOWLEDGING
  • Step 4 ADJUSTING
  • Step 5 ABSORBING & INTEGRATING

Step 1: Allowing

The first step is all about the initial response to the loss of your child. You are in shock, which emotionally protects you from being too overwhelmed by the loss. You are unconscious to most of what is happening to you and around you. Your life’s energy is focused on giving you the best support in dealing with this shock by experiencing numbness and disbelief. What is required at this step is to allow yourself to be taken care of by your friends and family and allowing your experience to unfold.

Step 2: Awareness

In the second step you become more aware and conscious of what has happened and try to deal with the irrevocable reality of death. You grieve but you don’t know what to do about it. You are becoming aware of the emotions like anger, sadness, guilt, and anxiety while also experiencing physical, behavioural, and cognitive symptoms as part of your suffering.

Step 3: Acknowledging

As time goes by and as you move to step three you are aware of how you process the loss and actively try to find ways to progress through it. This is most likely the time for you to pick up books and talk to other bereaved parents. You are starting to take steps towards your new life where the loss is still important but moves away from the centre of your life.

Step 4: Adjusting

In the fourth step, you begin to integrate your child’s memory into your life. Grief has become a habitual reaction to triggers. You have become familiar with it and are able to move with it. As recovery takes place, you are better able to accept the loss. You invest energy to create your New Normal life. You still feel the loss but that feeling becomes part of your more typical feelings and experiences.

Step 5: Absorbing and integrating

The fifth step guides you in (totally) integrating the loss in your life. You reflect on it. You recognize its gift in your life and are grateful for the evolution in your life since. The experience of gratitude and the understanding of the gifts from your loss prevail over the sadness. The loss has found an integrated place in your life and you focus on other areas of your life and the future ahead.

Relationships can be challenging without loss. It is my personal opinion that we enter any relationship to grow: emotionally and spiritually. Having said this, we definitely did not choose to add the loss of a child to our ‘personal growth to-do list’.

To read more about this, check out the book Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss As A Couple.

Filed Under: child loss, family of origin, grief/loss, grieving parents Tagged With: death of a child, grief, grieving for a child, grieving parents, loss, loss of a child

What Is a Mother to You?

May 7, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich Leave a Comment

mother and child
Photo by Jessica Rockowitz on Unsplash

With another Mother’s Day is just around the corner I have been invited to ponder the meaning and definition of Mother.

The definition of a mother

There is a distinct difference between mother as a noun, versus the action of mothering in the form of a verb. Reading the definition of a mother it says a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth. The verb ‘to mother’ means to bring up (a child) with care and affection, also referred to as ‘the art of mothering’. In the past to mother meant to give birth.

It is interesting to note that the person giving birth and the person bringing up a child with care and affection may not always be the same person.

Becoming a mother

Throughout my early adult life, I had a distinct feeling I would have two children before I turned thirty. I could imagine being a mother but really, this was just an idea and far from a real image of being a mother.

Later in life, once I decided I actively wanted children, I noticed a shift within me. The mother inside me was giving birth to itself.

Appreciation of my own mother

Only having a child myself has truly allowed me to appreciate the journey my mother has gone through, enjoying the beautiful aspect as well as dealing with the challenges of having children: the hugs and kisses, as well as the “No!” and “Go away Mummy” comments.

Being a mother is an experience, one that I never could have imagined. People who have children say: “You don’t know what it’s like until you have them.” They are right. I thought I did know but truly had no clue. I’m still finding out day by day what’s next to come in bringing up my daughter.

Yearning to be a mother

Not every woman can be a mother but every woman has had a mother. Many women would have loved to be a mother but didn’t have or can’t have a child due to various reasons. With my limited experience of yearning for motherhood (before I was a mother) I empathize with these women. I remember the disappointment I felt every month of not being pregnant. I remember the sadness in looking at other pregnant mothers striding along holding their bellies.

The need to be mothered

Many children never have the experience of their birthmother’s love and care. One can only hope that they find another woman to raise them as a mother. We all need to be mothered or cared for, even as adults. We translate it into being loved, understood, heard, seen and felt. It is a basic human need.

I do hope that on this Mother’s Day every woman has someone or something she truly cares for and has someone who truly cares for her, whether she has living children or not.

Filed Under: family of origin, parenting Tagged With: being a mother, child rearing, educating a child, mother, mothering, mothers day

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    Nathalie Himmelrich

    I accompany people therapeutically as a holistic counsellor and coach.

    I walk alongside people dealing with the challenges presented by life and death.

    I’m also a writer and published author of multiple grief resource books and the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

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