Many of my clients in relationship counseling either wonder how to find the right partner or whether the one they have is the right one. Where are you at: in your search or in your questioning of whom you are with?
The Right Partner
Imagine two circles. They symbolize two people, two individual people. That is the situation before you meet: You are each a unique person with likes and dislikes, interests etc.
Once you meet someone imagine that the two circles start to overlap. You will find common elements that you can relate to in the other person. This overlap is what symbolizes your commonalities.
The fact is that you will never be equal to anyone else. Some people need more overlap with another person to feel comfortable with them, and others need less.
The question whether you found the right person for you is whether you are comfortable with the overlap and the parts where you don’t overlap. This will always be an answer for this point in time.
The factor of time and development
Over time you will change, the things you are able to perceive, how you perceive them change and so does the content of your circle. The same applies to your partner. At some point in time you might no longer be willing to share time and space with your partner because of this change or because you have changed your perspective of what still might be the same content. What might have seemed ‘right’ at one moment might not be later.
Knowing the key is your decision to sustain a relationship. Sometimes the parts that don’t overlap might be such a deal-breaker or the parts that overlap are simply no longer sufficient that it leads to a break-up. At other times it means that the time has come to put effort, time and energy back into your relationship. Sustaining love is not something that just happens to you, like falling in love (you might think). Things in a mature relationship rarely happen spontaneously. Like you don’t just find yourself randomly at the gym at 6am, you plan for it and make it a routine.
Relationship success and longevity is not a mystery, which works for some and not for others. It starts with your decision to do so, to make the person you found the person you love, learning to inject daily love and attention into your relationship and work on areas that need improvement.
The right person will be the right person as long as you decide so and are willing to give it your focused time and energy.