Sometimes it is just that knowing something additional, even if it is a seemingly little thing, can alter a relationship pattern that makes a big difference. The following article will hopefully provide you with one of those meaningful pieces of wisdom in terms of how different people perceive the world.
Literal and inferential
This is a differentiation that is not as well-known as the more common ones, for example introvert and extrovert or thinking and feeling types of people. A literal person will interpret a statement literally. This means that if they have a visitor saying ‘I’m thirsty’ this, to the literal person, is simply a statement about thirst. The inferential person will infer meaning into the statement and make an assumption about the meaning behind what is said. In the example above, they most probably will offer their visitor something to drink.
If you are an inferential person, you might think ‘but this is common sense’ and some things are. Even the literal person may have become habituated to understand and infer ‘common sense’ through education or training. It is however not their natural way of thinking.
My sister comes for dinner but does not help even though I’m on crutches!
This difference might even be differentiating you and your siblings and creating unnecessary stress. If you have ever been ill you will have noticed which of your family members or friends are inferring and which ones are literal. The inferring group will go around your house, help out and do whatever seems necessary. The literal person will come visit, probably because you asked them to, sit on your bed and talk to you. They might wait for you to offer them a cup of tea but if you cannot get out of bed you need to be literal with them and ask them to make their own cup of tea.
Recently, a client of mine mentioned her sister didn’t help out while she was visiting having dinner even though my client was obviously challenged being on crutches. Having read the above what is your guess on the two sisters? Indeed, the visiting sister most likely belongs to the literal group of people, whereas the sister who was ill, to whom it was common sense to help out, belongs to the inferential group.
How to use this knowledge
This difference is usually more of a problem to the inferring person because they expect the other to do or say something they repeatedly don’t do or say. Seldom, the literal person will start to wonder why the other person comes to certain conclusions that are not reality.
Suggestion for the inferential person:
As an inferential person you have to remember that your assumptions are just that: assumptions. They do not necessarily need to reflect reality, as much as they might seem like that to you.
As mentioned above, remember to ask the literal person specifically what you want them to do: Please wash the dishes. Could you please also dry them and put them away. If your partner comes out of the kitchen without having cleaned the bench, then aim to add this specific detail. Don’t assume he or she didn’t do it to get back at you, even though that’s what you might do.
Suggestions for the literal person:
If you are unsure what your partner might mean with a request, aim to clarify. This way you avoid misunderstanding and upset. Have a clear understanding of what your partner’s likes and dislikes are and make sure you remember that cleaning the dishes also means wiping the bench afterwards.
For both:
Repeat to yourself ‘my partner is a literal person, which means he/she does things I specifically and clearly ask’ or ‘my partner is an inferential person, he/she will, for example, infer that me not coming home at the usual time means something is wrong.’
If you are both trying to see the world from time to time through the other person’s perspective you not only widen yours, you also add satisfaction and understanding to your relationships.
This has help me some what because my boyfriend is a literal person and sometimes when I say things he doesn’t understand why I say them. And I get frustrated sometimes. Because I express my feeling he doesn’t he just go with the flow of things and then he has to think about what I say and then come back and say what was the purpose of you saying that or you reading to much into something. So I’m trying to better understand him.
Thank you Robin for your comment.
It’s great that you now have insight into what’s happening behind the conversation you have with your boyfriend.
I hope it might help him too to understand you better.
To your best, Nathalie
For me this article was mine blowing eye-opening like an aha moment me and my wife has struggled literally struggled for seven years on the verge of divorce she’s always said she was a literal person and I didn’t take the time to really actually see the difference or read about the difference or understand the difference between us until tonight I want to thank you for your article me and my wife have children together and whether we divorce Or not she will be in my life for ever because of our children so thank you for helping me to understand a lot more about the differences between us
You’re most welcome John.
I’m glad you find it mind-blowing.
All the best, Nathalie
I also find it mind blowing unfortunately have a partner who reads nothing l listens to nothing, or no one and thinks only of themselves what’s your suggestion? 35 years tired and so done.
Lucinda,
ask yourself what do you wish?
That is the starting point to what comes next.
Best, Nathalie
“I’m thirsty” is a ridiculous example. Both people would assume the person means they are thirsty, and empathy would compel them to offer a drink. Literal people have empathy.
Michelle,
Your comment shows that you are thinking and listening style are (mostly) inferential.
Literal people have empathy but their translation of what they hear must be facilitated.
Also, people are rarely one or the other, but rather a blend of both with more or less of one.
Best,
Nathalie
Thank you for this article. My girlfriend is literal and I am not. It feels like work and we have a plethora of misunderstandings. I get a headache when I think of having to communicate or explain something. I wonder if we will work out since we have mutual frustration many times. I’ll try to improve – I just feel like my brain is tired, trying to alter my concentration.
I’m glad you found it valuable Janeen.
I feel with you as my daughter is literal and as much as I’m aware of it, it sometimes is challenging.
Good luck, Nathalie
I’ve never felt more intellectually handicapped than being a literal thinker. A comment earlier made me question if the reason literal thinkers are so despised is because we come off as not having empathy and that’s frustrating from my point of view. To me, inferential people seem to expect others to be mind readers or decide for oneself when your words and ideas hold their real value or not. The flip side is that often people refuse to believe things I say and to me it’s hurtful and disrespectful. Inferring is very close to assuming and assuming can be a dangerous thing to do. This was a good read and still an interesting and trying ongoing topic in my life. Thank you for sharing!
Dear Maria,
Indeed, inferential thinkers or speakers do assume and sometimes (often?) misinterpret or misread literal people.
My daughter is inferential and she is my daily reminder to keep changing my language and my thinking from my preferred way of thinking and speaking.
Thank you for your comment.
Nathalie
Is there a book or any additional reading one can do to assist with a literal person? I want my relationship to work.
Dear Ree,
I do not know of a specific book on the topic. I’ve learnt it through my Meta Coaching Certification.
You can however find quite a bit of information on the topic by doing a search on the internet.
All the best, Nathalie
Is there a book or more examples or anything you can provide to further assist me. I want this relationship to work. He is literal and I am not
Dear Ree,
As mentioned in my other reply to you, I recommend a search on the internet for more information or in addition I would recommend coaching with a person who can assist you in understanding the effects this meta program has on your relationship and how the knowledge and understand can be applied.
Check the following page to find out whether working with me would be of interest to you: https://nathaliehimmelrich.com/counselling-and-coaching/
All the best, Nathalie
I’m glad you mentioned that a person isn’t one or the other but is blend leaning more to one side than the other.
I tend to take what people say literally most times as to not get in trouble for assuming ; but I will also be a bit on the inferential side.
I just thought of it as “treat others as I want to be treated”, ” common consideration”, ” say what you mean/need” and ” listening to what one says and how it’s said”. The last one cost me a lot of money until I realized that when I’m being asked if I got a couple bucks and I say yes and give it to them I’m not getting it paid back . They didn’t ask to borrow it . But if I ask if you’ve got a couple bucks I will pay it back because it’s the right thing to do and would hope you would do the same in return. I don’t expect it tho.
I just thought all of this was from what we were taught growing up; instilled in us. Having manners and being thoughtful. If someone tells me they’re thirsty I’m more likely to say “ya know where the fridge is help yourself” cuz I don’t want to be bothered with the whole “what would you like me to get you “? then go thru the list of what we have to drink. So, unless your either over for the first couple times : then, you’re a guest. More than a couple times, you’re like fam and your arms and legs aren’t broke so mi casa su casa. Now if your legs and or arms are broken I’ll ask you to let me know what you need or want or if I can help you “just let me know”. Type of person
Thank you for your thoughts Trina,
Yes, mostly it is about what we learn through upbringing and role modelling from our surroundings.
Understanding the difference in people’s way of speaking and hearing can support us in not seeing things as black or white but with the grey shades they come with.